Oh I Don't Know

My life just isn't exciting right now..So I'll just be random and tell you everything that is going on right now (because I know you are waiting w/baited breath to hear about my life) in bullet formation (which you know is my favorite).

• Have you ever heard of anyone being allergic to dog SALIVA!? Well I am. Yay for me. If she licks me, or bites (and not attack bitting, she's playing, but DAMN) then I break out in HUGE hives. Same w/if she scratches me. Also, we've been letting her sleep in our bed (at the end of it) and somehow, magically, when I got home from work today, there was dog fur/dander ALL OVER my side of the bed. Apparently Big E went back to bed after I left and let her sleep there. He's seen the hives..does he think thats sexy!? Ugh, Im hoping big time that the Allegra 180 takes car of this...if not..what is the next step? Allergy shots? I don't know anything about that, if you do, let me know.
• We haven't had sexual times for TEN day!! Seriously?! See AF came on the 19th and JUST stopped this afternoon. I bled for 12 days..Isn't that a big much? Nothing like a constant reminder of our failing to conceive. This cycle was super off, but more on that in a moment. But the hub does NOT do me during AF..and w/me that makes is stop and makes the cramps go away. And I like the sexy times w/the hub, so Im JONESIN for some. He had to work tonight so maybe tonight while he's still in his uniform (he's a police officer..o0o0o0o) And I would say "sorry for the TMI" but this is my blog and I'll TMI if I want to.
• Okay..so let me tell you about this cycle and you tell me why you think it was so f-ed up. Okay, I had spotting on the 11th & 12th (for a little longer then I thought, 24hrs on & off) and I was like oh, maybe it's implantation bleeding (LOL). Then it was gone, then on the 19th, bright bleeding on & off then by the 20th it kicked in big time. TERRIBLE cramps and heavy bleeding. Then this Wednesday it was super light and I was like yay, Im done, NO, at night, cramps back and super heavy, it was that way Wed/Thur/Fri. And today, nothing, so Im done for real, so explain that to me? I mean, Im glad my period has gotten on a pretty regular cycle, but if it didn't want to show up again for, oh say, 9 months (with a baby on the inside, I don't want it not to show up just to be an asshole), that would be fine with me.
• We got 12.5" of snow this Wednesday and I have yet to dig my car out. Maybe not the best idea, but I don't care. For some fun reason for the last month or so my car has decided that it would be fun to frost not only on the outside back/front winshield, but the inside back/front windshield and windows. So when I go to get in my car, this is the deal 1) use the frost remover spray, which smears everywhere 2) use windex to clear up smearing 3) use frost remover spray since the Windex froze 4) try to use windex quickly before it freezes again to clean up smearing. So this was taking about 30 minutes and I couldn't leave my car running because we don't have an extra key. So the Hub just started driving me to work since it's on his way and we only live 10 minutes away. Hence, it's still buried in the snow, so there.
• I love Walmart brand fruit snacks (they are called "Smiles".) I have the sour ones at home and a resealable bag at work. Fantastic. I could live off of them.
• The hub thinks I need a gun for when I stay at home alone and this is why. Im TERRIFIED of staying alone, in fact, tonight, I most likely won't go to sleep until he gets home because of the fear. So the last time he worked overnight (from like 6-2) I slept w/a knife in the bed just in case someone came in. Because I for sure wouldn't be too scared to use it, yeah. So when he got in bed, he of course, cut himself cause it was in the bed. Ooops. My bad. I was like, well, if we had a gun, you would've been shot, so being cut is better. It wasn't life threatening, it was a flesh wound. And also, I have NO problem with guns in the house. I grew up with them in my house (my dad was a police officer) and I had/have no idea where the guns were kept or where they are kept now. I never felt like it was an issue. I also feel like if you are trained to use it, then you are also trained to know where and how to keep it. So if we got another one for me to keep, then I wil for sure be getting classes/training. And thinking of that, the dog needs obedience training BIG TIME. And she's currently snoring, so maybe some etiquette classes as well?

Okay, pretty sure thats all for now. My life is HUGELY uninteresting, but keep reading anyway.

Just Real Quick

So I have 2 thoughts currently bouncing around in my head and Im hoping YOU can help me out w/them..

1. Is it dumb to start a blog that is like writing/talking to my baby to be? Do you know what I mean? Like this is my TTC blog, but one that is just about talking to my yet-to-be baby..Is that dumb? Do tell your thoughts

2. I am WAY ready for a new blog layout thing and it took me 120 years to find one that would work on here ( I wen to the websites that were specifically for blogger, and they wouldn't work when I put the HTML in) and I lost all my little tickers and stuff. So can you tell me how/where to get one? I'd change it every week if i could.

So any and all advice is appreciated and I have to go because Allie is currently taking things from our room and "hiding" them in the guest room. Oh and i had to recover 2 pairs of socks, a pair of undies and a shirt from her crate this AM.


More tonight.

Fucked Up Day

So firstly..go visit Aunt Becky because they found a cyst on Miss Amelia's head and she is having all kinds of tests an new baby should not have to go through and I cannot even imagine what Aunt B is feeling..Send her love and support!!

Okay..here's how the day went. So I walk into the office today (since I had a snow day yesterday) and apparently the doc felt the need to talk about me while I wasn't there. Let me preface this story by saying I took exaclty ZERO days off while going through my miscarriage and in all acutality it started while I was AT WORK!! But I had a little mini-breakdown in the back office and went about my day (cause if I had gone home, I think I might have lost my shit). So the doc and my boss walked in on me in the back, and so I had to tell them something, and the doc, is kind of a jerk sometimes, made 2 comments. 1. "We had one in between our 2nd and 3rd child, so I COMPLETELY understand what you are going through" and 2. "Did the doctor tell you to wait to "try" again?" Cause I jumped right back in it after 3 days." So here's my thing..firstly, do you have a uterus!? Are you capable of carrying a baby!? Then you have ABSOFUCKINLUTELY no idea what I am going through. Not just the physical pain but the mental and emotional as well. Secondly, YOU jumped right back in it? Your wife had no sayso? I can tell you that I did NOT want sex for a good almost month afterwards, Im pretty sure she felt teh same way. But I just let that go because w/him you can be happy or you can be right, I chose to be happy that day because I just couldn't deal w/anything else. So today I come in and out of the blue, my boss (hereto refered to as KL), tells me that he asked her yesterday if Big E & I are trying to get pregnant (which I haven't not talked to him about because read above). She said yes, I think so, but I don't know, you'll have to ask her. He proceeded to say "well thats exactly what she doesn't need right now. She just got married and that is the last thing she needs to think about doing. What is she gonna do? Quit her job? We aren't going to hold a job for her for 8 weeks." WHAT THE FUCK! How dare you? If my husband and I want to have a child, and God chooses to bless us with one, then we are HAVING a baby!!! And that is between my husband and myself, I don't remember ever inviting you into our bedroom. And guess who decides what's best for me? ME!! I DO!!! I just felt sucker punched, also, you cannot threaten my job if I decide to have a baby. Plus, Im pretty sure, that in Indiana, the law states that a woman can have 8 weeks of paid maternity leave. But me trying and hopefully having a baby will in no way affect you or my work. What you think has no bearing on whether I have a baby or not. Im still so upset I just could not hardly look at him.

Then to make things better, a lady from our new insurance called and told me she was putting rider on me for 12 months because I have asthma. WTF again!? I have to prove I had insurance b/f this one and since I was only on Big E's other insurance w/his previous job for 63 days, they aren't using that because it has to be 90 days or some bullshit. Now Im having to jump through all these hoops and I have to have my asthma medication covered. One month supply w/o insurane costs $600. Seriously. With insurance, my copay was $150. So I have to have this covered. With the rider, they won't cover the medication or any doctors/hospital visits I have to make that has to do w/asthma. I just dont' know what Im gonna do. I need to just get some sleep so I can stop stressing. Ugh.

Im so angry!!

You guys, people are SO insensitive. Something was said at work today and I am REALLY having issues with it. It involves my husband and I trying to have a baby, which involves NO ONE but the two of us and Im pretty sure that you can't threaten my job because I want to have a baby. Oh man, I am so angry. I'll have more details later, I can't type about it cause I am at said job, but I just had to vent a little bit before I exploded!!!! More on this little debacle later.

Congratulations

Head over to Aunt Becky's to welcome Amelia Grace. She was born about 5 hours ago..And I can't wait to see pictures (I feel like it's my baby because I started reading Aunt Becky about 9 mos. ago, right before Amelia's conception.) Lol, crazy I know, but share the love!!


Also, today, as previously mentioned, we had a snow day, and we spent it getting to know Allie. She is so rambunctious and full of energy and when she sleeps (as she is now) she snores BIG TIME. We are madly in love with her..Did I mention I am big time allergic to dogs? Whenever seh scratches or licks me, I break out into hives. It doesn't affect my asthma too much, except when I break out in hives I get all swollen and hot. But, if I take Allegra, then it doesn't get too bad, unfortunately, I cannot afford that rigth now, so we'll wait and see. We are so lucky we got such a good dog. We actually got her from a family we found on craigslist. She's a purebred boxer, came w/her crate, 2 huge bags of food, a pillow for her crate, a leash, a collar, food and water bowls, a kong (a toy you can put doggie peanut butter in and she loves it), the peanut butter, dog shampoo, and an unused electric fence, for $100. We are taking her to have her checked by the vet Saturday (even though I have all of her records, we just want to make sure) and we are getting her some new toys on Friday (because she loves to play bite, so we're gonna get her some bones and some more ropes.) And yes, we've become the people that call themselves mama and daddy to the dog. I couldn't help it. Oh, and she's just like me, she LOVES blankets. She took 3 of ours and shoved them into her crate, we had to fight her to get them back. Seriously, as soon as I A) find my camera and B) learn how to load pics on my computer, you'll get to meet her.

Also, since it was a lazy day, and Netflix movies came last night, I've been watching a show called "The L Word." Now usually, I can't watch movies that have gay & lesbian make-out scenes (well thats not entirely true, I can watch girls, guys, not so much) and not because Im anti-homosexual or anything, it's just weird for me, as Im sure it is weird for those that are not heterosexual to watch us kiss. But anyway, I love this show, I adore it. It is so real, and it deals w/real life stuff and it doesn't have a huge lesbian-esque lean. It's like they are just dealing with real life and I know this makes me sound dumb, but I figured they wouldnt' have the same problems if there aren't men in the picture. Untrue, in fact, with some of the issues they are harder to deal w/because there are 2 women's emotions involved. I also like that it's not al lipstick lesbians like what you know are on pornos. They're just real. Check it if you feel so inclined (do it even if you don't, I was against it until I saw one episode on Showtime, then I had to get the series.)

Okay, let me leave you with a story that will warm your heart and raise your bile all at the same time. So this dog, as previously mentioned, gets into everything per her breed. Well I was in our room watching my show and my husband was like "honey, I think Allie has one of your maxi pads (lol, yes MAXI pad)" And I said "well just take it away from her." And he says "umm it's not a clean one." OMG, I was MORTIFIED. So I was trying to get out from under the covers and Im all tangled, fall off the bed, and get to the hallway, and Im like "where is it?!" And he tells me he already threw it away, no big deal. OMG. What a guy. I know thats disgusting (and no we don't leave used pads lying around the house, she dug it out of the bathroom trash) but at the same time, he just did it, like it was no big deal. Wow.

SNOW DAY!!!

So basically we got outside and the streets in our neighborhood were semi-plowed..The bad news, they plowed our car in. Nice! We must have 7inches of snow. The weather people said it was falling last night and overnight at a rate of 1in per hour!! WHOA. So Big E's work called and said they were calling everyone in and that no one needed to go (he works outside, so obviously, today was not the best day for that.) And so I called my boss and told her I most likely wouldn't be there because of our car being plowed in and the fact that he doesnt have to go in (he's been driving me to work because my car likes to frost on the inside and the outside of the car). So basically, Im not going in today (which is good because the roads are bad) but bad because Im not getting paid and today is a 10 hour day. Oh well, I'd rather be safe then paid. Okay, now I must go load up on Benadryl so I don't die w/the doggie.

If knew how to post pictures..

I would introduce you to our new baby girl..Allie!! She is gorgeous, we braved a winter storm (that wasn't TOO bad) to go get her and she is precious. 100% Boxer, fawn colored w/ a white belly and black and pink nose and into EVERYTHING per her breed. I feel bad because we have to crate her during the day, but I'd feel worse if she destroyed the house. We will be taking her to obedience class, because we don't want her to be a crated dog, but we just can't do that til we have more time. But Im going to take her to the vet Saturday and ask for suggestions on obedience class places. She is just lovely. My allergies and asthma are doing okay, Im broken out in hives pretty much anywhere she has licked me, but they just itch, so it's okay. My breathing seems alright and I'll get back on my Allegra once our good insurance kicks in (it'd be full price since we haven't met our deductible yet, so $180, nope, I'll just stick w/benadryl and hope I don't fall asleep at work). There is a fuckton of snow on the ground and for once the weather forecasters got it right. Anyway, I'll most likely have a big announcement later as Aunt Becky is due to deliver Amelia today..Head her way to make guesses about height/weight/time. Okay, I must go get ready since the commute is gonna take 20 years this morning.



PS: Oh duh, I haven't even mentioned my dirty little secret, I still watch the Miss America/Miss USA pageants always secretly hoping for Miss Indiana to win, which she NEVER does, until last Saturday, when she did!!! Katie Stam is Miss America..I must say, I shed a little tear (I've only been watching since I was 6) Anyway, oh and also, I called my doc about the cramps/clotting issue and she prescribed some Vico*din (thank you Lord) and I have an appointment to see her in March (since thats when our new insurance kicks in and the deductible goes bye bye) unless I have another period like this, then she wants me to come in earlier (or, by some miracle, I get PG, hahahahha). So thats that. Oh and also, every single school district in Indy and surrounding areas closed today, but yet, I still have to trek into work. My boss just called to make sure I kne WE were going to be open. Do you know how many cancellations we'll have today. Poop.

Killing Me

These cramps are..Aren't you supposed to get cramps BEFORE your period?! So can I give you probably what is too much TMI and get some advice? Lets say yes.

So remember I said that around the 11th or 12th I had about 12 hours of on & off brown spotting? And then some more starting on the 19th and then it kicked into high gear on the 20th? Well, here I am on the 27th and I am having cramps so bad Im waking up in the middle of the night and heavy bleeding and little clots. Ugh this is gross. Im sorry, it might just be too early in the morning for this, but I need to know what is going on. Usually, my periods aren't like this. The only thing that has been remotely like this was the m/c. Is it possible that A) the clottiness is leftover from the m/c or B) my periods are going to be different now that I've had a m/c? And no, Im 99.9% there was no PG this time around, but I also didn't test because of the weird bleeding. So, Im not worried about another early m/c, Im just wondering if this is gonna be the norm because if so, I need to buy stock in Infinity Pads and talk to my doctor about getting narcotics for the uterus. Anyway, thats enough nastiness.

So Aunt Becky is supposed to be going in TOMORROW to deliver Miss Amelia, so head over and give her some more love and support. Oh yeah, on the topic of babies, so I haven't so much told you about my friend Candi, and Im not gonna go into great details except that she is a mess (what is it w/me attracting people who are a little screwy?) she has one son, and is not w/ the dad, she's younger then me (22) and we met at school and she was in the wedding. Well she just recently got back together (for the 4th time) w/this d-bag who is abusive (physically, mentally, and emotionally) and they been together for 15 minutes and are....trying to have a baby. Awesome. Im almost positive she's already PG and I just want to go bury my head in the sand. She got PG last May, while he was cheating on her, they broke up, got together, broke up, you get the picture, and she miscarried in August. And she asks for my advice, and then gets pissy when I tell her having a baby w/this asshat may not be the best idea. She tells me Im just jealous because she can get pregnant. Isn't that nice? Yes, Im super jealous that you are on round 4 w/this douche and all I have is a supportive, loving husband who won't leave me when we do have a baby and who doesn't abuse me. Dammit! Where did I go wrong?

Okay, I have to start getting ready. Oh and I think Im going to become a weather forecaster because every news channel in Indy called for this big weather storm deal, and I said, umm it's gonna miss us completely and instead of 5 inches of snow we'll get 0-1inch. Guess who was right?

Good Thoughts, prayers, etc.

Please send love, comments, prayers, good thoughts, etc to these two fantastic women...
Aunt Becky: She's expecting Miss Amelia any old day, although she has made herself quite comfortable in the womb, making Aunt Becky extremely uncomfortable everywhere else. She went in to plead for an induction at 1pm today, so Im sure any of the above would be appreciated.
Nancy: Just had baby Karl and a horrific delivery, and is now suffering from a very high fever, mushy/raspy lungs and an overall feeling of fuckupedness. Head over and give love!

So necessary

Apparently..the concensus is that Rach is just too toxic (and hyper-fertile) to be friends with. And I have to say, as much as I hate it, I agree. I just don't think we could be friends like we were and it kills me. The hub and I talked about it & I talked about it w/my mom, and it's just like, it's all about her, ALL the time. And the fact that she might be PG 8wks after delivering the last one, was just like a kick in the stomach. I wish my eggs were that good. Ugh, I just sometimes feel like I "owe" it to her to give it another go because of what she did for me. But at the same time, God puts people in our lives at certain times for a reason. He knew, at that time, she was going to save me, and maybe, I need to save her now? I don't know. I just know that our values and thinking are different and I also know that she has NO idea who she is. She's been married 3x and for each marriage has changed into whatever kind of woman the man she is married to likes. Like husband #1, liked sexy kind of women, so she lost a ton of weight and kind of dressed hoochie. #2 liked more Christian in the church, freak in the bed, so she became that and #3 loves all things dark and witchy, so now, thats who she is. I just can't see changing myself like that, and all these marriages, and stuff are tearing up her children. I can't see being a mother and putting yourself before your children. Maybe that sounds weird or bad, but when Im a mom, my kids well being comes before my own. Enough about that. We'll just see if she calls or whatever again.

This ICLW has been fantastic. I really hope that I've gained some new readers, because I've gained new blogs to follow. And the reason I hope I've gained some new readers is because the advice I've gotten is amazing and helpful and the words of support are just incredible and it makes me feel less alone on this journey knowing there are others going through the same thing. And I have to tell you, sometimes, I feel like a fake since we've only been trying 4mos and I haven't seen specialists or anything, but at the same time, I can relate. We've had one loss, and every month that AF shows up, Im shattered. And I used to be the girl that would PRAY for normal cycles. And, when she's 1 day late, I try SO hard not to get my hopes up, but my brain just overules everything else and I start imagining due dates, and maternity clothes, and nurseries, and then after that, I imagine being pregnant, and not carrying to term AGAIN. It's just a neverending, vicious cycle. I never realized until we started TTC how many people are in the same boat, it's amazing, and sad at the same time. I wish getting (and staying) PG was as easy as "relaxing" or "not trying to plan it." My love to you all and thank you so much for everything!

PS: On a completely unrelated note, I got the cleaning bug that I get about once every 6mos and we cleaned the WHOLE house and got an email about a dog we've been thinking about adopting! We go meet her (Allie is her name) on Tuesday. Im so excited!!

I need to write (type)

So this might be a very here and there post, but Im emotional and needed to let it out. So follow along if you feel so inclined.

• Rach: She & I met in 2003 when we were both attending the same church. She married JC in May of 01 and they had Noah in May of 02. When we met she was PG w/Abby. She and I became friends because the church was making some shady decisions and not being 100% truthful w/ the parishoners. So we decided to be whistleblowers and make sure everyone knew what was really going on. That was one of the scariest things I have ever done, and we were bonded for life. After my little breakdown in 2004, she brought me back from the brink. She literally saved my life. W/o Im not sure I would still be here. I was suicidal at the time, it was a very dark part of my life and Im not sure to this day how I got over it. A lot of prayer and her friendship. We spent the majority of the summer of 04 together, and by together I mean I had a bed and clothes etc at their house. I was there ALL THE TIME. She was the sister God forgot to give me. Fast forward to November 2006. Rach begins "partying" and drinking every weekend. I wasn't in to it, but I babysat the kids so JC could go w/her to keep her from overdoing it. Finally, I stopped watching the kids because I was A)going to school & B) it was ridiculous. Eventually he stopped going out w/her. At the time, I distinctly remember telling my mom "If they're not divorced in a year, I'll be surprised." Her constant drinking put a stop to our friendship at the time. Fast forward to July 2007. I receive a phone call from JC telling me I had to come over right away, Rach had gone crazy and he was trying to keep her in the house. I had not spoken to either of them since about May. So I called Big E, who didn't want me to go, and told him the situation. It was July 28, 2007. I got there, they were screaming at each other. I just walked in the front door, checked on the kids (to make sure everyone was okay) and then walked back downstairs where I was told "We are leaving, get your shit and lets go" from Rach. I had no idea where we were going, she just told me we had to leave. So as we were driving around, I found out that in the last 6 mos. things had deteriorated rapidly and she was seperating from JC. I asked her where we were going & she said "my friend Mack's." So we got there, and there's this guy, who is OBVIOUSLY more then a friend and she proceeds to tell me the whole big story of why she is leaving him. She moves out the next day, into a trailer park. In September, when Big E & I get engaged, she has 2 questions when I see her "how did he afford that ring" and "how much did it cost" Basically, from then on the friendship is kind of off. I ask her to be one of my MOH, but she has no interest in what is going on w/us, it's all about her drama, and I understand that the world doesn't revolve around me, but she was supposed to be my best friend. By November she has moved herself and her 3 kids into Macks house and they are talking babies & marriage. By this time, we are on a talking like once a week basis. Fast forward again to April, when we are supposed to be picking out her MOH dress, she tells me, SURPRISE , she's PG and cannot possible afford to be in the wedding and all these other excuses (by the way, I called this pregnancy, I just knew she'd be PG by the summer). So I kind of wash my hands of her. She's bringing me down and it's all about her. Never about anything else. In fact, I dind't even invite her to the wedding. So tonight ,Im sitting at home while Big E is working, and out of the blue, she ims me on Yahoo. Tells me she misses me and she tried to call me a few times (NOPE) and wanted to talk. I ask her why she misses me, and that ending our friendship was devastating to me and then she calls. Well she had the baby on 12-02 and we are talking about it, and it's almost like she hasn't changed at all. Very few questions about how married life is etc. And again, it's not all about me, but conversation is a 2-way street. Then..the bomb. She had the baby almost 8 wks ago..And guess what..You can see this one coming..She might be PG AGAIN!!!!!! Oh sweet Lord I almost threw up. Not only because she's fertile myrtle, but because when I told her about the m/c she said "well just relax and it will happen, we weren't expecting it." I just, I don't know. I didn't know what to say. Congratulations on being as fertile as the Duggars? I don't know if we can ever be friends again. I mean, I want to try, but her life is SO different and being around someone who gets PG that easily, has never had ANY trouble TTC (w/her 1st husband they got PG 1 mo. after going off BCP's, w/ her 2nd husband they conceived 3 mos. after going off BCP, then again 3 mos after the first baby, and now w/her 3rd husband, they conceived after "throwing out the condoms" 2 mos later, and she has never had a m/c), I think would jut be hard for me. I don't know, maybe Im crazy. Maybe I do need to stop thinking about it, but I can't. I don't know if I ever will.
• I re-read what my mom wrote in our journal, and it just makes me sad, because I also re-read what I wrote, and Im not in the same place I was when I wrote my entry (it was 4 days after the m/c) but Im not that far away from it either and I just started sobbing. For all the babies she lost and for the 2 I've lost. And how I feel like my body is failing me, and how I don't think we have money for fertility drugs right now, and how I don't want to have to have to go through all the testing, and stirrups, and vag exams and making sex mechanical and not fun. But most of all, how I don't want to live life w/o children and how right now, Im feeling low, and I realize that, but I worry it's never going to happen. I think Im lucky because my doctor said that if nothing was happening after 6 mos (which would be April) we'd start looking into things. Im just ready to be PG. Where is my baby?!

Exact Opposites

Okay..so I've been skimming tv today while trying to find the want to to clean the house (it's just not happening) So there were 2 shows on today that I was flipping back and forth between...That Duggar Show..85 Kids and Counting or whatever it is and Bret Michaels Slut Bus. These two shows are EXACTLY what Im trying to keep my future daughter away from. Let me present MY opinions (and if you don't agree, I invite other opinions.) Oh yeah oh yeah..I joined TWITTER (finally) so follow along and join me if you want to and let me know if you twitter as well!!!

1. 85 Kids and Counting: Now firstly, w/TTC this show makes me crazy. She has 18 kids and I can't have JUST ONE!? WHY!? Now I understand that they are devoutly religious, but at the same time, these girls are "striving" to be walking/cleaning/feeding/doing everything but working outside the home uterus's. Now, I have absolutely NO problem w/stay at home mom's and I hope that when we finally have a baby, I can stay home for an extended (i.e. more then 8 weeks) period of time..But I AM NOT going to force my daughters to do the same if they don't want to. What have women's rights leaders fought so hard for? I have a college degree which I plan on furthering and USING. There are more choices then just being married and having kids and being a homemaker. I also agree w/some of their values, but I don't believe that using hell as a disciplinary measure is necessary either. I mean, on this show, it is so gender biased. The girls do all the housework, from a very early age. And the boys? It doesn't show them doing much of anything except playing and doing outside work if necessary. Why can't the girls get jobs? Go to college? What is wrong with that? There are religious schools. Not being able to socialize in public is bad too. I just think their daughters should be offered more opportunities.

2. Bret Michaels Slut Bus: OH. MY. GOD. I have never watched this show before (apparently there were like 2 other Bret Michaels deals?) On the first episode, there was a woman who did a shot out of another woman's vajayjay. ARE YOU SERIOUS?! This shit is on regular television, and not like late night or anything. And then I just watched another episode, and there were racial slurs, the woman talking about how much sex they have, how many people they've slept with, and each of them making out one right after another w/Bret Michaels (who HELLO, looks like a SHIM). I want my daughter to feel free about her sexuality (because I never was raised that way, and I kind of went crazy after I had found out about sex). But I want her to guard it, because after Big E & I waited, it meant SO much more. But I think having sex b/f marriage does not=eternal damnation. Im glad I did because I don't know that I would want to marry a virgin (I've been w/one, they have NO idea) but anyway. I don't think showing these woman as something girls should want to achieve is the best plan either. They are walking STD ads. And I think kissing is very sensual and it shouldn't be passed around nor would I ever in my life be someone's EXTREMELY sloppy seconds. This is just shit. Seriously. Big tits and loose..you knows do not an intelligent, happy woman make.


On a COMPLETELY unrelated note...I made herb roasted chicken for lunch before Big E left for work, and I used some red pepper flakes, which I did NOT realize were HOT, and used WAAAY too much and pretty much ruined it. Omg, I couldn't eat any of at. Like 2 bites, and my mouth was on fire and I had to have a glass of milk to cool it (and I hate milk.) My husband could stand it, but jeez. So now Im hungry and eating anything fast, like nachos and pop tarts. Always healthy.

LISTS...they feed the OCD

Got this from Misfit..she's left me some uplifting comments, so here goes...What I've done is in BOLD
1. Started your own blog..
3. Played in a band.
4. Visited Hawaii.
5. Watched a meteor shower.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.
7. Been to Disneyland.
8. Climbed a mountain.
9. Held a praying mantis.
10. Sang a solo.
11. Bungee jumped.
12. Visited Paris.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch.
15. Adopted a child (This is half bolded because I am adopted..does that count?)
.16. Had food poisoning.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty.
18. Grown your own vegetables.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France.
20. Slept on an overnight train.
21. Had a pillow fight.
22. Hitch hiked.
23. Taken a sick day when you're not sick.
24. Built a snow fort.
25. Held a lamb.
26. Gone skinny-dipping.
27. Run a marathon.
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice.
29. Seen a total eclipse.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.
31. Hit a home run.
32. Been on a cruise.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors.
35. Seen and Amish community.
36. Taught yourself a new language.
37. Had enough money to truly be satisfied.
38. Seen the leaning tower of Pisa in person.
39. Gone rock climbing.
40. Seen Michelangelo's David.
41. Sung karaoke.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt.
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant.
44. Visited Africa.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.
46. Been transported in an ambulance.
47. Had your portrait painted.
48. Gone deep sea fishing.
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person.
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling.
52. Kissed in the rain.
53. Played in the mud.
54. Gone to a drive-in theater.
55. Been in a movie.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China.
57. Started a business.
58. Taken a martial arts class.
59. Visited Russia.
60. Served in a soup kitchen.
61. Sold Girl Scout cookies.
62. Gone whale watching.
63. Gotten flowers for no reason.
64. Donated blood, platelets, or plasma.
65. Gone sky diving.
66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp.
67. Bounced a check.
68. Flown in a helicopter.
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial.
71. Eaten caviar.
72. Pieced a quilt.
73. Stood in Times Square.
74. Toured the Everglades.
75. Been fired from a job.
76. Seen the changing of the guard in London.
77. Broken a bone. (Does my nose count? x4?)
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person.
80. Published a book.
81. Been to the Vatican.
82. Bought a brand new car.
83. Walked in Jerusalem.
84. Had your picture in the paper.
85. Read the entire Bible.
86. Visited the White House.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
88. Had chicken pox.
89. Saved someone's life.
90. Sat on a jury.
91. Met someone famous.
92. Joined a book club.
93. Lost a loved one.
94. Had a baby.
95. Seen the Alamo in person.
96. Swum in the Great Salt Lake.
97. Been involved in a lawsuit.
98. Owned a cell phone.
99. Been stung by a bee.
100. Read an entire book in one day.

Oh, and because Im a tool, here's her link (someone tell me how to link things!!! I look dumb.) http://justbeinginfertile.blogspot.com/

I can't thinkg of a good title

Because this is just gonna be a myriad of thoughts....

1. Why do I myspace stalk people? Like my sorority big sis, she and I haven't talked since the summer after I left ISU..and I just found out she got married over the weekend and is expecting..lets talk about which Im excited about less. I'd love to be able to say nah nah nah I was married before you, but alas, she is with child, silencing all the little hurtful things I'd like to say because Im afraid they'd come out as growls from the green monster called jealously. I know of AT LEAST 3 other MYS friends that are PG, and Im just like, ugh, can I just stop talking to them? We WANT a baby, we would be great parents, we are stable etc. and these people who have "oops" babies or whatever, why not ME!? God Im whiny.
2. Go visit Aunt Becky here (and since I cannot for the life of me remember how to link, here it is, http://www.mommywantsvodka.com/ ) She is waiting on little Miss Amelia to make up her mind on whether she wants to come out or not and could use some encouragement.
3. I think this is my period. BRIGHT red blood today. So thats nice. 1 month after loosing our first baby AF comes back to remind me what a failure I am in the baby making department, thanks SO much for that. I can't believe I'd be almost through the 1st trimester by now. Ugh, it just kills me. I just feel broken. Why isn't it happening? How can teenagers and crack addicts, and stupid idiots just get pregnant and i can't? And Im so sick of people saying "oh it will happen when you relax/get a massage/have more sex/start thinking positive thoughts" If so, we'd have 4 babies by now. Just support me. Don't tell me how to change things. If it was that easy, don't you think I'd be doing it!?
5. ICLW still rocks. I love reading all the new blogs and meeting new people (even if it is cyberlly, ooo I like to make up words.)


Okay, I think thats random enough. And enough for now. I might have more later if I can't sleep.

Super Quick

Just something super quick w/ a better post to come later..I hope I didn't come off sounding like a pregnant-lady hater. Just having trouble TTC makes me so angry and crazy and jealous...and I do like pregnant-ladies, and Im happy for them, but sometimes, I don't think they understand why I feel the way I do. My maid of honor, Angel, just had a baby in December, and she was SO supportive of me, and was understanding about how I felt. I wasn't hateful towards her, but it was hard to go to the hospital and visit etc. I just feel like this blogging community kind of understands more. And can I tell you something..From the minute we got married I just instinctively KNEW having a baby was NOT going to be as easy as going off the BC and boom we're pregnant. I don't know how I knew, I just did. And sometimes I wonder if thinking like this CAUSED us to have trouble. I know that crazy, but still, sometimes thats how I feel. Okay, so long for a short entry. More later:)

WOW

You guys.. thank you for all the wonderful comments..It made me tear up to hear that you guys teared up..LOL..Im so emotional these days. Anyway, I haven't commented back to everyone, but I am working on it I promise.

Today's blog isn't so very interesting. I think AF is here..And I say I think because here is the scenario, and you give me some input. Last week, well almost 2 weeks ago, I had some brown discharge, lasted on /off maybe 12 hours. I thought it was AF starting, but then, it was gone. Then since Tuesday I've had what seems like the end of AF (light bleeding, nothing heavy, no more then a pad or two a day) which is really unsual for me. Last week I thought it might be implantation bleeding (which I didn't not have w/the other two PG's) but then this week, I've been over-emotional and really tired along w/the light bleeding. So is this AF? It's about the right timing, if not a little bit late, and I didn't buy a test because it's too expensive to keep getting the same fucking answer. I don't know what to think. I need a program of my reproductive system. Something like:
The Month of January Sponsored by Ovaries, Fallopian Tubes & Uterus
1-5: Finish M/C
10-15: 2 days of brown spotting for 12 hours and ..(insert whether this is implantation bleeding or not)
16-20: Light flow and..(insert if this is still implantation bleeding, AF, or another very early m/c)
21-28: Start all over.

See I need this so that I stop pulling my hair out. Also, the hub does not like sexy times during that time of the month, so having this bleeding/spotting/nastiness for 2 weeks is killing me.

So enough about that, oh and may I just very quickly say. If you are pregnant, and we don't see each other often, it's not SUPER necessary for you to tell me you are 10.4 minutes pregnant because you know I had a miscarriage and you think telling me early will make me "feel better" that I knew first. I'd rather just see you in 6months and know you are pregnant. Im sorry, but telling me "first" gives me that much more time to hate you. Also, I don't wish any ill will on anyone who is pregnant, in fact, I'll be the first to congratulate you, but on the inside, I die a little bit each time someone else gets what I am so badly longing for. On that same note, I received an email from one of my professors from last quarter today and it started like this:

Dear MrsJoyner~
Hope your holiday was well. How far along are you now? Have you found out when the baby is due?


It was like taking a bullet. I have tried to push it to the back of my mind since it happens, like I do all the rest of the feelings I don't want to deal with, and there it was, in black and white. I was pregnant the last time that she saw me. And I read this while at work, where there is no place to cry and nothing to hide behind. Im still reeling a little bit. I did write back to her and tell her the EDD was 08.13.09 and that we had m/c but I was shaking while doing so. I think to hold back the tears. I've been on an emotional low all night. Ugh, it just sucks, when Im a pregnant lady Im not gonna parade my pregnantness around the world, I'll still be here, comiserating because I've been there and because I know that days/months/years after a loss, one little sentence can send you back to that exact day, and when that happens, you need someone with open arms to catch you, and love you, and let you know it's okay to go back to that day, no matter what.

Re-Do

Two posts in one day?!? I know, Im excited too!!


So I had a post today that dealt w/some shit going on at work, but seeing as I've axcessed my blog at work (and yes Im allowed) and not exactly deleted the history, Im not gonna post it just in case some people from work are lurkers (which would freak me out). Anyway, here's 2 better topics.

1. I HEART ICLW!! Not only because I feel important from the comments (did you see todays? SEVEN!!) I know how those people that get 200 a day must feel. Anyway, thank you so much, even is those are the only ones I get the whole week, thats fine, because I've been introduced to 6 new blogs and 1 I was a lurker on and delurked today. I think it's just really awesome to see that there are others on this TTC journey who also thinks it sucks ass. I mean I know they're there, but to see it just makes me feel good and makes me realize, hey stop bitching and go support someone.

2. Let me tell you about something happened at Christmas. So I saw this idea in a magazine. It's a journal between a mother and her daughter. I think it was for a teenager and her mom to better communicate during those "volatile years" or something. So I was thinking, that would be so awesome now that Im married and not living at home (my mom and I are unnaturally close, we were ENEMIES for most of my teenage years and now things have leveled out). So I wrote to her a few days after the m/c. She and my dad struggled w/infertility for 10 years before they adopted me, and even afterwards. She had her last m/c when I was 18mos old. She was PG w/twins and one was ectopic (the docs didn't know because they didnt have that advanced of ultrasound technology) and it burst in her tube and almost killed her. Two weeks later, she lost the other one. They were girls, my sisters. So I knew that she would understand what I was going through. I begged her to work on it while they were in Michigan visting family after the holidays, and nothing. I asked her for the last 3 weeks and FINALLY last Sunday, there it was. Written in. You guys, I bawled reading it. Im tearing up right now just thinking about it. I cannot beleive what she went through. 10 years of trying to conceive, countless miscarriages and D&C's, and then, she said, "we found you" (thats me) "Our miracle, our baby, the one we'd been TTC." She said more on those 3 pages then she has ever said to me in my life. If she never writes in the journal again, it will have been worth it to hear her side of the story. She very RARELY talked about the years before me. I feel like, I don't know, in having a m/c we share a bond. She said she had hoped to never have to go through this with me, and that is why it took her so long to write back. She gave me hope and she just loved me w/o giving me advice. I have never been so touched in my life. I am so, SO Lucky.

ICLW Intro-January

Hey kids..I completely forgot that ICLW started today! YAY!! SO here's my intro, I heart comments and Im goona do a much better job this month of commenting back.


Me: MrsJoyner
Married: 10-04-08
Hub: Big E
Kids: 2 angels
TTC: Since the evening of 10-04-08
Losses: Read above..most recently 12-19-08 at 6wks1d
My Story (in bullet formation):

• Us: Im 26, my husband is 23 we dated for 4 months, got engaged in Sept 07, and got married in Oct. 08 w/ a big fall themed wedding. It was magical, wonderful and all other such cliches
• TTC: My husband wasn't sure if he wanted kids early in our marriage (I wanted to start trying directly after we said I do, possibly in the limo on the way to the reception). He decided on our honeymoon that having a baby early wouldn't be too bad. We were doing the O-tests and that kind of thing, but they didn't seem to be working. I had been on BC for 10 years (for wonky periods, imagine that) and so my cycles were wonky.
• Baby #1: I found out I was PG on 12-10-08. We were going to do the big reveal at Christmas, but it was not to be. I started spotting on 12-18 and m/c on 12-19. I bled for about 10 days. It was SO painful and I am still not over it (do you ever get over loosing a baby?) I also have to admit that sometimes I visit websites to see how far along I would be now and how big the baby would be. I just can't help it.
• Just FYI: I was 19 when I got pg the first time, and it was not good timing (I was in college, not exactly "with" the guy etc), but I was excited none the less. I got to 10wks5d and m/c on...12/19/02. Im not the biggest fan of December.
• Questions/Concerns? I love comments and I did a terrible job last month, due to the m/c so I promise to respond. Im pretty random so thats fun.

Maybe TMI, but there is it

So even though I was ROYALLY pissed this AM, the hub defn. made up for in the bedroom tonight..I heart being married!!!

ARRRGHHH

My husband is driving me crazy..When he sleeps. Literally. Im about to choke his ass out!! He breathes through his mouth and it sounds like a fucking freight train, I usually reach over and shut his mouth so he won't do it for a few seconds, but tonight, it out of control. I am literally about go look for some earplugs. It's MUCH better when he uses those nose strip deals that help you breathe through your nose..Oh and now he's making these lip smacking noises, oh Im gonna loose it. Im gonna have to go sleep in the guest room if I EVER want to get any rest, cause I have no idea where my ear plugs are. HELLLLLLLP. Work tomorrow, a 12 hour day, will be GREAT fun on 5 hours of sleep. FUUUUUCK.

I've Decided

"Every mile is TWO in winter." ~George Herbert~

So I feel like getting some things off my chest, I mean, this is MY blog right?! I feel like maybe sometimes I need to talk about things in the past, but at the same time, shouldn't I keep the past in the past? I don't know. There are just some things I think about, and I need to get them off my chest. I don't know if Im ready for the big "in depth" blog post yet, but soon, most likely during ICLW, just so maybe I can get some feedback. We'll see. Oh and watching Sex & The City (the complete series) makes me want to write a column dammit!! Anyway, thats all on that right now, but hopefully I get up the courage to bare all, we'll see.

Anyway, reading the above quote? That basically describes the weather right now here. I've heard it's much, MUCH worse in places like the Dakota's and Minnesota. But seriously, last night it was -22. Today the schools actually closed because of the cold. That hasn't happened since I was like in 6th grade (and Im 26 now, so there you are.) Seriously, it was so cold today, I was outside long enough to go from the front door to the car (about 500 feet) and I had on a sweater, a shirt, a scarf, a fleece hat, 180's, wool coat, etc. and I was STILL cold!! Like bitter cold, like I thought I had frostbite on my fingers and toes. And my husband works outside, and it was like this yesterday and today. He had to work a full day yesterday and FINALLY around noon they sent everyone home. Ugh, this just blows. I don't mind snow, but this, is just too much.

That's all for now, for real, well except that Im watching the episode of SATC wherein Miranda & Steve go on their honeymoon and it's in the mountains and I want to go back to Gatlinburg. Waah. Oh well, maybe soon.

Quotes

Is it odd to have a quote of the day? I have found this site, quotationspage.com and I really like a lot of the quotes and I don't think we use quotes often enough in the day. I kind of want to add one to the top of my page, but w/o looking like a tool (which I do often enough anyway.) Let me know what you think. Maybe not a quote every day, but one's that I like, and then tell you why I like them. Is that being too self-indulgent? Could I be any more random? Anyway, let me know what you think.
PS: Umm, the leftover PG test in my drawer I hid from myself got the better of me the other night. You know what the answer was. And I knew that. It was just good to get rid of it, so Im not taunted constantly by my bathroom drawer.

Bored Blogger

Jeez, I've just become a bad blogger. I mean, I could post my wedding pictures, or pictures of Ava or Grace, but Im just not & I don't know why. Im just, ugh w/blogging right now. Nothing exciting is happening in my life besides that I have bronchitis and my husband fell on ice an sprained his back today. The baby making is going the same, it's been almost a month since the m/c but I haven't even really thought about that since just now. Life is just boring is my house right now. I promise to be a good blogger during ICLW, and participate for real this time. Thats all for now. Sorry for the sporadicness (mmm I like the make up words).

Finally a post

Okay..just a few quick things before the clusterf*ck begins at work.
1. Nancy delivered Karl on Saturday 01-10 at around 2pm. She is now having some blood loss and heart troubles, so please visit her blog and leave her some love and prayers (and since I can't figure out how to link, AGAIN, here is the address to her site, http://thenewlifeofnancy.blogspot.com).
2. Tony Dungy is leaving the Colts. The new coach will be Jim Caldwell. It's bittersweet, because he has been such an amazing force not just for the team, but for Indianapolis as well. I only hope that Caldwell knows what big shoes he has to fill.
3. We had the Moo this weekend and cleaned the entire house (it looks SO nice.) And I really love having her, I just hope E does more w/our own child then he does w/her (he does all the "fun" stuff and nothing else). Im sure our own child will be very different.

I think that is all for now.

Quickly, before I nod off

Just read my email and.....



IT'S A GIRL!!!!
Ava Rose
10:16am (today)
7lbs 0oz 20in
BEAUTIFUL!!
Congrats to Mike & Amanda on their first baby!!!

That is all for now. A better update tomorrow

Insomnia

I has it bad. I haven't been able to sleep for about 2.5 weeks otherwise known as the day the baby left my body. I hadn't really thought about it that way. I just figured I was back to my old ways of NEVER being able to sleep. Staying up til 1 or 2 (or 4) and getting up at 7. It used to happen all the time. I was beginning to wonder if maybe I was depressed (I took the depression test, tested a 7 which = mild depressive symptoms.) But don't worry Im not having crazy/suicidal thoughts or anything, Im just NOT sleeping, even when Im tired. The only time I have has been the past 2 days, because I've been sick. But last night I went to bed at 7pm, woke up at 9:30pm, went back to bed at 12 and woke up at 9:30. But the last couple of weeks, it hasn't been b/f 1am. And I was doing so well, well at least sleeping on a schedule. I think maybe I am a little depressed, moody, change in appetite, sleeping pattern. Any suggestions? I am hesistant to go back on anti-depressants (esp. if they aren't warranted) because..well I enjoye the sexy times w/the husband, and I know it affects my ability, to, lets say, seal the deal. And thats not the most important thing, but I do enjoy it. So I guess, if things don't change soon, I'll head to the doc as soon as we get our new insurance cards? In the meantime, dear internet, any suggestions? Besides what Im currently doing which is Tylenol Severe Cold & Congestion PM? Please, fill me in. Off to bed I try to go.

Oh my goodness

#1: I am sick. Head cold, sinuses, drainage, moved into my chest this morning. I feel like a Mucinex commercial. I thought it was just a sore throat, of course not. Ugh, this is bad.
#2: I quite the Colts. 2 years in a row!?!?!? 6x total, against the CHARGERS!? We had a good team that shoulda, coulda, woulda made it to the Super Bowl again had they ever TRIED to play. Peyton comes out, throws the ball to nowhere land, the defense didn't even get off the bus, and the offense was on the sidelines drinking beer and have a hot dog. Lord, the better playing team won. Maybe the colts suckage is what made me sick?


PS: Read back to the end of December/Early January of last year, this probably looks eerily like a post from then.

I. AM. SO. EXCITED.!!!!

Our wedding pictures are online!! And they are GORGEOUS!! I cannot believe how many she took and how well they turned out. I found out while I was at work and I have looked at most of them, but man, she did so well. She also said that she was putting them in the mail, so we should have them UPS'ed by today. I CANNOT wait to see them in person. It just makes me re-live the whole day, and I get to see all the little things I didn't see that day (like my hub w/Moo and his guys and his families, and the little ones getting ready etc). I just can't say enough!! I'll link them up ASAP.

Year end roundup and other musings

It turns out I have TWO followers!! Wow, could I be anymore popular? Well actually, Im quite impressed that 2 people think Im interesting enough to follow my story. So thank you.

Okay here's 2008 in month/bullet formation

• January:I finished up my first year at IBC and the wedding plans were in full swing. My mom and I went to a HUGE bridal show the first weekend in January, where we met our photographer, the place to hold our reception, and rehearsal dinner. I made a decision to try and blog on a daily basis and I've done pretty good. My friend Johni' had a baby on the 4th and my friend Becca got married on the 5th.
• February: I know this is HUGELY superficial, but E got me TWO COACH purses for Valentines Day. He also took me to Maggianos and it was very romantic. The New York Giants beat the asshat Patriots in the Super Bowl, it was so exciting, almost as exciting as the Colts superbowl. Evan took more police tests and my car continually broke down, eventually costing me over $500. I was consistently feeling frustrated and I think it had to with us having no sex (a promise we made before we got engaged). TMI alert..it's all better now that we ARE married
  
• March: This month I discovered just how many friends and relatives my parents had. When we had first started the wedding planning we were inviting about 100 people, after my parents added their guest list, that number skyrocted to 353 eventually, we ended up inviting over 360 people. It was insane (and just FYI, about 300 came, it was fantastic!!). I was also DEATHLY ill again and we celebrated E's 23rd birthday. After being diagnosed w/ viral gastroenteritis, I have had problems with my GI tract for almost a year. Still, to this day, I can't eat big meals and not feel sick. I plan on seeing a GI specialist as soon as our new insurance kicks in. Also this month, I took a trip to Gulf Shores, AL w/my parents and it COMPLETELY solidified my need to live there in the very near future. E and I talked it over, and we tentatively plan on moving there (after he gets his police training) by 2011.
  
• April: This month we sent out our Save-the-Dates to the wedding and I came to a few realizations. One is that after my parents move to TN and we move to AL, there's really no reason for us to come back to IN. His family is here and so is mine, but my extended family isn't really that close (except for my grandma) and his family isn't close at all (except for his mom). It was hard to accept, since my family used to be very close when I was younger. I also found out that when friends get new lives, they sometimes don't involve you. My best friend of over 5 years divorced her husband (after cheating on him), moved into a trailer w/her 3 kids, moved into her new boyfriends house, got pregnant and got married all in the space of 10 months. And her new life just didn't mesh with mine. I asked her to be my MOH right after we got engaged, and by April, we were barely talking. We just don't have the same goals or values anymore, and it was a really sad time. But things happen for a reason and I hope she's happy now. E & I also realized that his new wife & her family will always mean more to him then his biological children. Which I am still and will most likely always be a little angry about. He doesn't just treat E & I differently, he treats Linds the same way. It's sad, but it's his choice.
  
• May: We chose a cake for the wedding, the bridesmaid got their dresses ordered. I was so excited for her. I also started having wonky periods and becoming obsessive like I am now. I had to take Prometrium to kick start my period and it was AWFUL. I was and am so scared that that part of my anatomy doesn't work right. I discovered that I have (had) fantastic credit, E had terrible credit and buying a home wasn't in our future for a year. I also went to the dentist, had 4 cavities and needed oral surgery for peridontal work. Oh and this month, Mike & Amanda our good friends found out they were expecting (as of today, no baby yet, her EDD is the 4th). I finally started my period and my MOH got herself engaged!! Also this month, Indianapolis found out they would be hosting the 2012 SUPERBOWL and E and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary by going to Holiday World and making a long weekend out of it. To cap off this month my cousin Megan and her fiance Tim tied the knot in Rogers, Arkansas. It was beautiful and they just celebrated their 6 mo. anniversary.
  
• June: This month, everyone around me was getting pregnant, it seemed, at the drop of a hat. My MOH and her fiance found out they would be becoming parents for the 3rd time at the beginning of December (her EDD was 12-25, but it was revised to the 4th). I got tagged for the first time and REALLY realized my fear of having another m/c and never being able to carry a pregnancy to term. I got great advice and support on this, and for that, I am forever thankful. I found out that E's ADHD can be an annoyance sometime, and got some much needed "snap out of it" advice in the process. My work/church was flooded very badly as Indiana had it's worst bout of flooding (esp. the southern) part in at least 30 years. It was so bad that there are still people living in FEMA trailers and who are homeless right now. And to add to the baby list, my Aunt J and Uncle C let us know they were also expecting #3. I had my first round of oral surgery on the 22nd and we made it to 100 days until the wedding. At the end of the month, we celebrated Moo's 3rd birthday. She came and stayed w/ me for 3 days, we went to the zoo, the childrens museum, had a camp out and did girly things. I realized how much she meant to me and how she continually makes me know I will be a mommy some day.
• July: The month started off w/my mom's birthday. We didn't get to celebrate w/her since she was in Canada, but she had a big ol party while she was there. E & I celebrated the 4th by going downtown and seeing the fireworks (a tradition w/my family, which we are carrying on). We found out that my good friend Candi was NOT pregnant (which was a good annoucement in my world of + pee sticks). The bridesmaids gowns came in and so did the tuxes and everything was GORGEOUS. On the 15th I remebered my unfufilled due date w/ Genevieve. She would have been 5 in 2008, starting school and I was just very sad. I wondered if Moo was a little bit of her reincarnate? I had my 2nd and last round of oral surgery to end the month of w/a vico*din induced haze.
• August: My friend Leighanne had her baby boy on the 2nd and I was a terrible blogger this month. I was just so busy w/wedding stuff and school. This month Angel had an AFP test that came back + for trisomy 18. Somehow, I had to comfort my friend who was potentially planning for the birth and immediate death of her baby. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but it strengthened our friendship beyond all measure. She is the strongest woman I know, and we celebrated the baby anyway. And prayed hard for a different outcome from the next testing she had to go through. 3 weeks later..a miracle. Angel got a re-test and baby Dane tested NEGATIVE for trisomy 18. It was amazing.
  
• September: This month started the month of last minute wedding planning. We were running around like chickens w/our heads cut off. To start the month off, I found out my friend Becca got pg on her honeymoon, and was expecting a baby boy in the midding of October..It was so exciting and she was so cute!!! I had my 2nd bridal shower and we received so many wonderful gifts, that we TOTALLY needed. I started my externship and loved every second of it. On the 22nd the girls & I celebrated my last weeks as a single girl w/ a fantastic bachelorette party bash!! It was the MOST fun I have ever had. It was just such a good time. We ended the month by moving in to our very own townhouse which was and is a beautiful place. We had our Moo that weekend and I got to see how E will be as a dad, and it was a fantastic site.
• October: Of course, this month's biggest deal was our WEDDING, which took place on October 4, 2008. I cannot even explain how wonderful it was. Everything was pretty much perfect, I have never felt more loved, and lucky. It was just everything it could have been. I couldn't have asked for anything more. And I got to marry the man God made just for me. Our ceremony was just moving and meaningful and our reception was rockin, filled w/laughter, good food, good friends, and of course, good drinks. Unfortunately, I started off our honeymoon w/another round of viral gastroenteritis to the point I was crying I was in so much pain and we had to find an immediate care center in Gatlinburg, TN. Once we did, and I was medicated, the rest of our honeymoon was phenomenal..And may I say to everyone who said waiting for sex was a bad decision..There was NOTHING to worry about. That was a wild week. (and it's getting better everytime we do it). Since we started the week w/me being sick we HAD to end the week w/me getting my PERIOD. One of the worst one's I have ever had!! But we managed to still have a good time and get back in one piece. E also told me that he does want to have a baby and so I threw our hat into the TTC ring!!
• November: E and I had our first HUGE fight this month, but after we did, everything got better. E realized Im not his mom and I realized he's not a mind reader. On the 4th, America elected the first African-American to be our next president. This was a long and dirty campaign, on both sides and it was such a relief for it to be over. I guess we'll see what his election brings (and it has to better, since it can't really get much worse). E FINALLY got a new car (a lovely Toyota Camry) which we love, but it was hard to get financially. We found out that Angel would be having her c-section on 12-01 and that 3 more parents at preschool were expecting. We had Moo many times this month and she annouced to us that she wants to be the "big sister" so there you have it and we were working on it. We had our 2nd negative cycle and I was a little bit crushed. I tore the trapezius muscle in my back, and got a for sure job offer at my externship site. On the 18th, I celebrated my 26th (gasp) birthday w/my husband and my parents, who took me to a wonderful dinner. I also had suprise cake at preschool and some good lovin from the hub. I also found out this month that a very dear friend had been diagnosed w/breast cancer. It was stage 1, but it was still just scary and sad news to hear (as of now, she has had a lumpectomy and is in the middle of radiation). We ended the month w/my last day at preschool, which was bittersweet. As much drama was there, that place had become my home, my 2nd family and it was hard to leave, but so worth it. And on the 27th, I cooked my first real meal, Thanksgiving Dinner. And it was a smashing success (and I have been cooking ever since).
• December: On the 1st day of this month, Angel and Asher welcomed Dane Lee. He was beautiful and E held a newborn for the first time (and may I just said, he did it SO naturally, it brought a little tear to my eye). And 3 people decided I was pregnant (and not one of them was me). On our 2 month anniversary, our car was broken into and our GPS was stolen, not the kind of celebrating we wanted to do. E started the IMPD process again by taking and passing very well the physical exam. I can say it now, out loud, something I've never said before..On December 10th, I found out I was pregnant. And in DEEP denial. I was not POAS, but in my heart, I knew. And my period was late. And I had a multitude of symptoms. I finally peed on some sticks later, having very faint positives and then nothing. All negatives. I was planning on telling my husband and our families at Christmas time. Then, on December 19, I lost our baby. I was devastated and I am still not completely over it. I was 6wk1d pregnant. I was due on my dad's birthday (08-13). I am now completely terrified that I will never carry to term. I again joined ICLW and received so much love, care, and support from a group of women that don't even know me that I can't begin to repay. I struggled w/the holidays, as I was continually thinking about how I would be telling my husband and the would-be grandparents about the baby, but I celebrated our lives too. On the 26th, my Aunt & Uncle welcomed Grace Lee, their 3rd and BIGGEST baby. She's very adorable. I am healing emotionally and I finally got my sex drive back. My husband has been a rock this month, just giving me space when I need it, but not letting me push him away.
  

I feel like this was the most important year of my life, and I am eternally grateful for everything that I have experienced. I am so excited for 2009 as I get to share it w/my fantastic husband and hopefully, we will add a baby to our family. I am so lucky to be able to connect w/bloggers who don't judge, who are in the same boat as me and that just let me whine and cry if I need to, and who celebrate life w/me. I am thankful for everything I have and everything I am going to experience. Goodbye 2008, welcome 2009!!