Gross Ear & Feeling Useless

The following is a bit graphic..you are forewarned =)

So, Moo's ear did get worse. She woke up from her nap around 4pm and this "plug" (for lack of a better word) had halfway come out and there was a gaping hole. You know when you get your ears pierceda and it forms that hard thing in the middle? I can't remember what it's called, but it's the hard scar tissue. That came out. It. Was. Nasty. I don't get grossed out very easily, and this made my stomach turn. It didn't seem to hurt her unless I pressed on it to try and drain some of the pus away. So because of the infection and the hole, I decide to take her to Riverview (where I was this time *last* Sunday). She was seen by the physician's assistant and they said yes, it was extremely infected, gave her a round of Keflex, wrote her a script for more antibiotic, dressed the wound, gave her an orange popsicle and we were out the door. Took all of about 90 minutes. The PA said I did the right thing bringing her in so that it didn't cause infection anywhere else. Also, as a sidenote, McDonalds twice in one day is TOO much. Seriously. Im set for the next couple of months. It's no good for the gallbladder (I KNOW). We had it for lunch today when we went shopping and then she was hungry after the hospital, so I go her some CK nuggets. Bad Mai. Bad Bad.

The rest of the day, I was pretty useless. We got the Christmas tree up last night, but since last weekend, I've just been devoid of all of my energy. I feel so useless. It hurts to stretch, to put things up high, to take deep breaths. My DH hasn't complained, but I hate how messy the house is. We got some of our decorations put up as well, but DH "put away" some of our stuff a few weeks ago..and by put up I mean through everythng in the guest room closet, completely unorganized. So we still have to do that. And all of the fall decorations go in a rubbermaid container that is on the bottom behind a million boxes. Gah. I wanted to have all of this done by Thanksgiving. How's that going?

Okay..doggie is on one side keeping me warm and DH is asleep on the other side..I love cuddling..How was your weekend dear bloggy friends?

Broken Butt

So let me set the stage for you...We went to Target today and got some new Christmas decorations..We have arched doorways in our house and for Halloween I put up some Halloween garland and I got some very rad silver w/lights garland to go around the door. Let me also tell you that we have forged iron chairs..So Im standing on the chair hanging the garland, and as I come down, I shift my leg just enough that I *completely* come down on the side of my butt and tailbone. Dear, sweet readers, if you'd ever like to experience pain that takes your breath away while simultaneously making you heave, hit your tailbone on forged iron. Moo was standing there saying "whats wrong, whats wrong?!" And when I didn't answer (because the pain was so great that I couldn't talk) she started saying, "are you okay, are you okay?!" LOL. I was wonderful. Now, I am sporting a fist sized DARK purple bruise, w/a swollen side-ass and deep red welt. It hurts to sit. I need a donut.

Also, Moo's grandma sent her over w/new earrings. She told me they hurt last night, but when I looked at them, they looked fine. Today, both ears were red and swollen and the left ear had white pus coming out of it. We finally got the earrings out (while she screamed, in the McDonalds parking lot, awesome.) And her left ear is so, SO infected. The hole is almost completely closed over and it leaks pus. Super gross. So I cleaned it out as best I could (without causing an infantesimal amount of pain), put hydrone peroxide on it, put on antibiotic cream, and gave her some Tylenol for the pain. We're doing that (minus the Tylenol, unless she needs it) every 2-3 hours. Called grandma, re-reminded her that Moo can't have the cutesy Claire's earrings and all is well...well hopefully it will be. She might need to see the doctor Monday if the swelling hasn't gone down.

My mom and dad spent the last week in Gatlinburg, and left for their cruise this morning..Im jealous=) What also sucks is that when they are on the boat, we (obviously) can't talk on the phone..and that makes me nervous. You know me, worse case scenario Barbie. But I miss not being able to talk to my mom just whenever. Esp. since I meet w/the GI surgeon on Friday. Gah. But they deserve it. Being retired has been the best time for them.

Okay, enough of this novel. Oh, and welcome back sweet Melissa!!

Prometrium Is SUCH A Downer

I think I felt the need to post because:

1. I had to start another round of Prometrium tonight..I was supposed to wait until Monday..but f*ck it..I got 2 BFN's, a negative blood test at the hospital and NO sign of AF. And I love how I got these Prom's when we thought October might actually be the month..BAHAHAA.
2. I love to torture myself by looking at other people's BFP's on FB or flickr. Wtf is wrong w/me? I don't know. Or I've gone back and looked at my own BFP's from July & August. It makes me sick. Im such a pessimistic person now. I don't want to see big pregnant bellies, or answer "when are you going to get pregnant" questions..I just want SCREAM, SCREAM "never, it feels like fucking never!!" Or just go in a corner and sob. Whichever.
3. I love my husband and I know he loves me..But I also know that I am SO much more loveable when my hormones aren't 100% crapped out. I have mood swings, I get angry a lot easier, and take things a lot more personal. He has to hate that. He is such a good husband that he never says anything, but ughh...one of these days he's gonna just chew me out. Ahhh...seriously, going back on BCP's seems so much easier (no acne, loosing weight) but so much harder (oh the DVT, hard cramps,..uhh.. no babies).
4. Tell me if Im the only one that does that..But by taking this Prometrium, I know that in about 10 days, AF will come, then we start charting ovulation, and I've already thought about how Im gonna handle another BFN...Not how I will react if we get a BFP. That thought doesn't even enter my head anymore..and to tell you the truth, I think that is my brain protecting me..Because I also can't imagine what would happen if we had another miscarriage. So my brain is protecting me from that thought also..I would rather have a BFN then a miscarriage any day. The joy from seeing a positive HPT is (in my case) suddenly and quickly tampered by pain, cramping, blood, loosing my baby. I just correlate one thing w/the other. SUCK.

Okay..I think thats all for the night..Thanks for letting me get this off my chest =)

Im Such A Nerd

I have literally been waiting for 2 days to change my blog layout over to Christmas..There are so many choice..And mad love to Cutest Blog On The Block for their awesome selections. Seriously, it took me like an hour to make a decision. Click the link on the upper left hand side of me page to go visit =)

Please go visit Mrs.Gamgee & AshPash as they both got bad news this week/weekend and could use some extra, EXTRA love. They don't deserve this and it sucks big time.

Hmm..what else? Im pretty boring today. We went to DH's mom's side of the family for Thanksgiving yesterday..I've never done that (and have no desire to do so again) because last year I made Thanksgiving dinner and 2 years ago, we went to my parents. I have no desire to go again because it was SO uncomfortable. Seriously..He has some very stuck-up relatives. Just because you make more money then me, does not give you the right to talk down to me (or my DH or his sister or anyone else.) Also, it doesn't make you 100% right, all-knowing, or omnipotent. It just makes you look like a jackass. I don't know what it is about his family events. They are just super uncomfortable. I try to be as nice and as cheery as possible, but hearing "so when are you going to start a family?" 40x in one afternoon is a bit much. I almost said "well, we've semi-started a family 4x this year.." or something to that effect. But I just did the usual "hopefully soon" or "we don't know." ETC. You think maybe his mom would let her nosey sisters know our situation..but that would be asking tooooooooo much. Also, these questions came from the one sister who is PG w/her 3rd child in 3 years...or the sister w/5 perfect children, a perfect house, a perfect husband. ETC. Yes, Im jealous. Count me in on that train. Also, my SIL, asked me "do you ever wonder if there's something you did that has caused all the miscarriages?" Nice. Thanks for that. I only blame myself for every one of them and for any and all BFN's we have had. Jeez. It's just hard to be from a family that is SUPER fertile and be having trouble conceiving.

We have Moo-Moo here this weekend..We were going to go to the Black Friday sales, but sleep was just SO much more appealing =) I did get some good shopping done online..the SIL & her boyfriend are done and I got some things for DH. It just feels like money is SO much tighter this year. SUCK. But DH & I decided to try and get everything bought by this weekend (because all of our bills are paid) so that when bill time rolls around again in December, we know we have the Christmas buying out of the way. I don't know what our plans are for this weekend. I think we are putting the tree up tomorrow and decorating, and Moo decided JUST NOW to fall asleep watching a movie so she'll be up til dawn..We may try to go to church on Sunday..E has to work tonight at the theater and Sunday in Middletown..Maybe I could clean the house?

Oh also, I *finally* saw New Moon..<-- disappointment. I mean, I know for the timing of the movie they have to cut out certain things..But they left out major parts, and it was just kind of gah. Now, Taylor Lautner=hot. I know, he's jailbait and there is a 10 year age difference. But thats okay =) Also, when he took his shirt off (when Bella was hurt on the motorcycle) the *entire* audience (minus me) sighed and oooh'ed and ahhh'ed. GAH. Whatever. 17 years old!! I've never been the kind of person to have "crushes" on people completely out of my league or movie stars, so Im not a TwiHard, but defn. the people in the theater are.

Okay...I might just go lay down w/ Moo. I've been having really bad rebound headaches from the Norco, and I feel one behind my eyes now..

Thankful

Myspace Comments, Thanksgiving Comments at WishAFriend.com



3 Thankful Things (So Appropriate)

1. My family: I know, so cliched, but this year has been one of the toughest of my life. Almost loosing my husband and our marriage, loosing 4 babies..It's just been a lot to handle. On my own, I don't know what I would have done.
2. My TTC/IF/ART Blog Sisters: Because seriously, without all of you, this process would be unbearable. I really wish we weren't all in this boat, but in a way, Im glad we are together. To support each other, to be overjoyed w/each other, to scream and cry..it just takes someone who is been there to help your heart heal. For this, I am thankful.
3. For even being given the chance to carry those babies: It made me a stronger woman, a stronger momma. I cherish each of those babies, no matter how short their time here was. It has shown me that I can survive, that there is a bigger plan for me & DH. It has shown me that I don't always have to rely on myself, that sometimes, I just have to let it go. I can allow myself to be broken, as long as I pick up the pieces and come back. It has made me fall in love w/DH all over again. Letting those babies go is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I know DH & I (and any future children) have 4 guardian angels in heaven.

So Happy Thanksgiving to everyone..May today be blessed for you..and may you eat enough that you need bigger pants =)

I Should Be Happy..

But another friend announced their pregnancy this morning..His wife is expecting a baby girl in March..I think I remember them telling me she was pregnant back in like August? But I kind of just forgot or my mind blocked it..But still. Every PG annoucement is like taking a bullet. Seriously, I know I should be happy for them, but it's just hard to take. Especially w/this most recent set-back. I went and bought some more O-tests today because I heart torturing myself. Dr. R. wants me to wait until next Monday to start the prometrium, but I want to get this out of the way..Is that okay? I want to get this next cycle started. And I seriously want to have "hope" for this cycle, and then, I completely don't. I was so (secretly) excited that there might be a chance for a Christmas-time BFP..now that I know there's not, Im just down. Whatever. Good for them I guess.

I ate real food today. It was painful, but I figure my only option to having the pain gone is having the gallbladder removed, so Im just eating and taking pain pills. LOL. Im staying away from fried fatty foods, and when I feel full, I stop eating. Today, eating caused more nausea then pain, but if I let myself get hungry, then the pain starts right away. WTF.

Okay..Im going to bed early. When I sleep, the Ambien takes away the pain. Woot.

Not How I Wanted To Start The Week

Yesterday was the.worst. I promise..Let me start at the beginning...

About 2 weeks ago, I posted about having pain like my diaphragm was broken..Trouble breathing, severe abdominal pain, bloating after eating etc. That lasted a full week. The pain was the most severe in the late afternoon through the evening and after meals. Last week, it was barely there, and for the most part I felt fine. Yesterday, around 12pm, all of the sudden, I started having the same pain, except that it was a 10 instead of a 6 on the pain scale. I remember that I was folding laundry and all of the sudden I thought I was going to pass out. I had to use the washer/dryer, the wall, the kitchen island, and the dining room table to get to the bed. And the pain was excruciating. Seriously. It was like being stabbed and kicked at the same time. It was in the right upper quadrant and epigastric region of my stomach, and it hurt to take deep breaths. I figured it was just bad indigestion, so I took a Prilosec, some Pepto and laid down on the couch. I had these little attacks every 30 minutes until about 6pm. Then, one started, and and didn't let up. DH wanted to take me to the ER, but I was worried about $$$ and the time it would take. I didn't want him to get to bed late, since he has to work early, and I didn't want to miss work. But my temperature was spiking and DH said my face was changing colors. He told me to put on my shoes, we were going to the ER. So we get to the ER, my BP is 144/87. My normal BP is 112/71. Like, religiously. The pain was getting worse, so they immediately got me back to a room and ask me 50 million times if I was pregnant (NO, STAB) and administered my first round of the Morphine/Zofran cocktail. The pain went away immediately...until the doctor came in and did an exam of my belly. Now, I am not a crier, but I was sobbing it hurt that much. So she told me I had "classic" symptoms of a gallbladder attack and asked how long I had been dealing w/this. I told her about the time 2 weeks ago..and then remembered that my "wonderful" PCP and I had had this discussion back in February. She didn't pursue major treatment because A) I was pregnant at the time & B) she didn't think it was that serious. Apparently it was. I had to drink this contrast stuff, and it made the pain worse, so they administered 3 more doses of my magic cocktail, and explain to me how my body fought the Morphine?! I was high as a kite, but not at all sleepy. Just couldn't feel my extremities. So I had the CT scan done, it didn't show anything structurally wrong, but my gallbladder is/was inflamed. She said that I defn. need to follow up w/my PCP (umm, nope, since she missed this almost a YEAR ago) but I told her I would call the referral line and get in to see one of their doctors asap..cause this pain, I cannot have it again.

As of now, I am still in pain, but the Morphine is still in my system so its keeping it at bay..The worst part right now is the rebound headaches. I took a Norco (which was prescribed to me when we left the hospital) but it made me vomit. Yeah, Im having a great day. I still feel woozey, and am not working today cause I don't think I can drive. Im supposed to see Dr. Reuter today, but I don't know if I should go to that appt. or not. I guess I'll see how I feel at 12:30. Also, I was expecting AF today (cause they tested my blood like a jillion times to pregnancy, BFN, duh) and it's been 30 days, and thats usually my cycle number..But like I've said previously, I just have a "feeling" it's gonna be a forced Prometrium cycle. GAH!!!

Anyone have any ideas on how to get through Thanksgiving dinner w/o being sick? Or having to go to some podunk BFE hospital? Man, I hope Im better by Thursday. Now, back to bed.


**Update**
Just got off of a phone consult w/Dr. R. that was supposed to get me some Clomid..I should've known that there is no way she is starting me on anything until I get this gallbladder thing figured out.. I *know* it's for the best. But wtf? Sure, bring on the set-backs. Awesome. Also, she told me that if AF hasn't started on her own, to start the Prometrium next Monday, which means, FOR SURE, December is not our month. But on a good (?) note..She referred me to a GI surgeon who I am scheduled to see on 12-04. Totally awesome.

Down

I just needed to post this today..it's been on my mind for 2 days..This time last year, I was pregnant. I had *no* idea of course..but I was. Gah. It's just been a hard day. And seriously, by the time Thanksgiving came around last year, I was starting to have symptoms..though I didn't know it at the time.. I was SO hungry, and SO exhausted. Stupid shit was making me cry..About a week later I got the first very fait BFP and then a monster one on the 10th. I was in denial. We were jubilant....I just. Gah. I'd give anything for that again. I keep remember that this Thanksgiving and this Christmas we should have a beautiful almost 4 month old baby. As I feel the pangs of my next cycle about to start..I hope, hard, and pray harder..That this is the ONE. This is the one that sticks. The one that becomes our baby. All I want for Christmas is to make my husband a daddy, to make our parents grandparents, to be a momma to live baby in September..Please.

Things That Deeply Concern Me

A bitching post...What else is new?

• I have a FB friend who did the "25 Random Facts About Me" post and listed at the 2 things she absolutely HATED the most as "being pregnant, or wearing a swimsuit post-pregnancy" If I could reach through the computer and bitch-slap the hell out of her, you knwo I would have. Not only did she WILLINGLY get pregnant the first time, she had a second child in October. If you hated something, why would you do it twice?! And why, on God's green earth would you say that you HATED being pregnant??? Do you know what I would give for that? What so many of us would give for that? I feel like that is almost like saying you hate your children, and what the f*ck is that!? She obviously does not know the pain, the sorrow, the desperation of someone who is ttc, who has had recurrent pregnancy loss, who has had post-natal death, who would die, just for one of their children to live. I really want to say something to her, but I just haven't been able to come up w/anything that doesn't involve the words "hateful bitch" or "ungrateful asshole."
• Got a BFN, happy b-day to me. I wasn't really expecting this cycle to take, and because it didn't, I have an appt. w/the RE to see where exactly I am in my cycle, and where we are going from here. I am 17DPO, so if there was a baby, it'd show up by now. I expect AF tomorrow or Saturday..well I expect her, but I don't think she'll show. It feels like this is going to be another forced Prometrium cycle, which sucks balls since I don't EVER start til day 11. Such a waste of time. But on the flip side, because I didn't ovulate on my own this month (well the OPK showed ovulation on the 2nd, but I think it was screwy due to the going off BCP's), I *get* to start fertility meds. Which scares me & makes me feel like Im actually doing something. It scares me because I've heard horror stories about Clomid (which I think is what she wants to start me on) and because now, to our insurance, we will be considered "infertile." Thus far, we have only had "recurrent PG loss." Also, our deductible ($500) and OOP ($1000) starts over in January. We'll meet the deductible the first month due to the DH being on Adderall ($339) and me being on Advair ($267). So thats good news. I guess I should call and make sure fertility stuff is covered. But either way, we are moving ahead. I can't wait anymore.
• Im TERRIFIED of getting pregnant and loosing the pregnancy again. I seriously don't know if I can mentally handle another loss. I might just be done w/the TTC if we loose another baby. 5 losses would be 4 too many. We would defn. consider adoption, but I just think I'll go batty, or be so numb that I can't function. I know I shouldn't worry about the "what ifs" but I do. After so many losses, I don't even get excited or anxious at the prospect of a + HPT or a pregnancy. To me, these are one & the same w/death. I hate that m/c and IF has made me such a pessimistic person. I really try to see the bright side of things, but sometimes, I just struggle.
• This deeply concerns me, but excites me just the same. I was VEHEMENTLY against having any kind of multiples when DH & I first got married. Not so much that I wouldn't welcome them w/open arms, but I didn't "want" them. Now, I want twins. Big time. And I know that's asking for a lot, but I also know for a lot of people, that Clomid has given them multiples. Now, Im not so much a big fan of high-order multiples (3 or more) but I would take whatever God gives me (including a singleton). Just please, a baby. Now, don't tell DH because he is stressing enough about having one..But I think he would be tickled to have 2..Gah. Lets just worry about the getting & STAYING pregnant part first.
• Our upstairs neighbor STILL feels the need to just randomly, at all times of the night, throw his sh*t around his apartment. Seriously!? 12AM? You're redecorating? Get a girlfriend, get a hobby, SOMETHING. Apparently, DH has met him a few times, and he always apologizes for Allie barking. Uh, not so much me. Im like, that's what he gets for being so f-ing loud all hours of the night...and how old am I that late night noise makes me pissy!?
• DH is working the Twilight premiere tonight...and they have no more tickets!! GAH!! So jealous. I told him he is FORBIDDEN to watch it until we see it together. I know, he 100% has no interest in the movies, but I also know, that he can't keep a secret (everytime I've been PG, he's called his mom b/f the pee can even dry on the stick) and he would spill the beans about how good (or bad) the movie is. I've read all 4 books (Im re-reading book 3 for the 3rd time right now) so I know how it ends, but still. Dangit.
• I've been watching The Tudors (Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, OMG) and I am NOT a fan of Anne Boylen. Seriously. What a hoe. And there is so much s-e-x. I didn't know people had that much sex back in the 1500's. LOL..Im so naive. But it is an addicting serious, and I love English accents, and I watch it w/the subtitles on, so I can catch what is going on. Oh, also, I love Wikipedia, for giving quick and semi-accurate information on the show and the history. Wootie.

Okay..thats all for now. Back to the Tudors

27

Thats how old I am, as of today..It was such a good birthday!! And I made out like a bandit..Here's the rundown

• Lunch at Cancun (one of my fav. Mexican resteraunts) w/my coworkers
• a COACH wallet from Tea & Dee
• A "furry" fuschia winter hat & gloves from Kathy & socket outlets (they are these things you can screw in your lightbulb socket, that have extra outlets on the bottom, we are using them so we can turn our outside Christmas lights off & on w/o going out)
• PS: I Love You body spray, hand creme, & body wash from Bath & Body Works (from Ronda)
• A *pink* Snuggie, (yaaay, I REFUSED to buy one for myself cause they are so ridiculous, but I don't refuse to accept on as a gift!!), Love, Love perfume (my Maraschino), and some furry socks from the DH
• A pair of marroon fleece glovesa, fleece patchwork matching scarf and some really pretty dangly earrings from mom & dad (oh, and a lint roller, brrnt)
• Too many FB wishes to count, 6 cards
• Maggiano's w/mom, dad, & DH

It's been a great day. 27 really seems old though. Lol. Im just excited to be moving forward w/our lives. Hopefully, by this time next year I'l either A) have a baby or B)be pregnant, we'll see what the future holds!!

TMI..My favorite =)

TMI POST. You are forewarned........................




I feel like new life has been breathed into my marriage!! I haven't been on for a few days because things were just shitty, but literally, I feel so much better...and yeah, it might have had something to do w/(whisper) s-e-x. We hadn't had any for quite some time. Since the beginning of the month, for a multitude of reason, but my not feeling well being at the top of the list, the pain after the HSG. Etc. It. Was. Great.

I think, technically we are on the tail end of the 2WW. The OPK was positive on 11-02, and I haven't really had any signs of impending AF. It'd be 30 days on the 23. So we'll see how it goes. I don't feel PG. I've had some "symptoms." The weird digestive issues, mood swings, emotional, and yesterday, extreme left side pain in the ovary area. But, those could all be AF symptoms as well. Oh, and the insomnia. Jeez. It's terrible. I think there are 2 options. 1) AF comes on her own or 2) I have to have another forced cycle w/the Prometrium. Pass on option 2. I'd love to just start on my own (or be pregnant). But, my body hates me, so probably not. We'll see. Having AF during the Thanksgiving holidays would be AWESOME. GAH.

Tomorrow is my 27th birthday. YIKES!!! Im on the downward spiral towards 30..lol. Oh well, hopefully, this year brings us a baby. I got PG 2 days after my bday last year sooooo...maybe. Oh, and thank you a jillion tons to Melissa for my birthday card all the way from Minnesota...WOOT WOOT!!

DH & I

So please tell me why my DH looks hot & like a model in every picture? And I look dumb and gross...But anyway, obviously we had some free time earlier this evening.

Pic 1: Being silly

Pic 2: I LOVE this picture. It is one of my favorite of us.

Pic 3: Just us...look at how green his eyes are & how blue mine are. There's one gurantee. Our kids will have GORGEOUS eyes.

Pic 4: I married him because he makes me laugh =)

Pic 5: This is traditonally how we look. Allie just sneaking in, lookin crazy. Can we use this as our "family portrait" for our Christmas cards?

Oh Hell

Add to the issues, a water leak in the wall of our new place...that is leaking into the kitchen. SO rad. They have to tear down our wall, fix the pipes, replace the wallboard, come back in a week, and repaint the wall. Rad. Guys, seriously. Im just laughing maniacally. I have to pay $400 tomorrow, so thats awesome, and then another $375 due on...drum roll..my birthday. Nice. It's just been an awesome week. Im super ready for November to be over. Im not usually like this, but I just realized today that we will just break even next Friday, and then rent is due 2 weeks from Tuesday. Nothing like being poor. Gah.


3 Thankful Things

1. Not backing down from my boss and getting my WHOLE bonus, which covers the money that is due tomorrow, and then some.
2. My husband. Seriously. So thankful.
3. Moo-Moo. She just makes me smile. She is going home from PS tomorrow w/my mom and she told her "I just love going to visit Moo & Big Evan. I just love them." Aww. Tear.

Broken Diaphragm

I know, it sounds like a birth control story gone wrong, but no, I am, in fact talking about the organ located below your lungs that helps w/breathing. As previously mentioned, I have been under the weather since last Friday night. Here are my current symptoms. Im convinced it's H1N1. But whatever. Please feel free to leave your diagnoses

• Extremely hard to breathe, as in, using my "emergency" inhaler 1-2x an hour
• Pain after every meal. Including, but not limited to, toast & rice. I've basically just been saying f*ck it, and eating normally and feeling AWFUL!!
• Having to take Pepto-Bismol b/f every meal and usually once in the morning and once or twice in the evening. Like, constantly.
• Having weird noises/feelings in my stomach. I listened to my own bowels (intestines/stomach) w/my stethescope, and it was contant movement. I listened for 15 minutes. There was no crackling/rowles in my lungs, but I am wheezing.
• Intermittent nausea
• NO fever (well maybe a *tad* high for me, like 99 degrees)

The breathing situation is the worse part, and is getting worse daily. It's not so bad during the day, but in the evenngs it's really bad. Like breathing like I ran a marathon. And it doesn't go away. It's constant. And the pain is pretty bad too. Like a costant 5.5 on a scale of 1-10. I attribute this also to stress. The insurance money thing, the not being pregnant thing, and now today, my boss has decided to call in question my bonuses (of which, he owes me $1200 for September/October) and I only want him to pay me part ($400). I broke at work today. My mom came in for an appointment and gave me some money, and I just couldn't handle it. Im almost 27, my mom shouldn't feel like she & my dad need to give us money. And she said she didn't. She said that this kind of debt is so different from like CC debt, because I didn't cause it. There was no stopping this from happening. GAH. I don't want to take the money, but it will give us a cushion, so Im going to. But we will be paying them back.

3 Thankful Things (this is *so* hard for me right now. Ugh)

1. Availabilty of OTC inhalers, since never can I ever afford to get the script every 4-5 days.
2. Busy days at work that keep my mind off all the rest of the FML stuff going on right now.
3. The Blockbuster rewards program: Cause seriously, renting 4 movies for $4.25? You can't beat that =)

Beat

I just feel run-down. The last few days have just drained me of all my positive thoughts. Seriously. I haven't posted because I just feel like I bitch all the time and I need to be positive. It's not happening, and since I find solace here, in my spot, here's what's going on. It's in bulleted format, but bound to be long, so pull up a chair, get your blanky, etc.

• So on Friday, I got a massage from one of the massage therapists I work with. It felt super good, but afterwards I was insanely dizzy. It cleared about 2 hours later. That night we went to my parents for dinner and I felt totally okay until about 9pm when we got home. From about 9:30-2:00 (am) I was on the toilet. Sorry for TMI. It was waves of nausea, and out the other end. It. Was. Awful. Pain. Lots of it. I haven't felt "well" since Friday. It sucks big time. Pepto-Bismol & I have become close friends. Im not digesting any of my meals correctly
• I came home Saturday from work to a summons to appear in the Marion Township Small Claims Court. Apparently, I owe St. V's hospital $400 plus $456 in legal fees. So I called our insurance that we had LAST OCTOBER (I had to go to the ER because I was having breathing difficulties.) I was given 2 breathing treatments, and an EKG. We paid our $150 copay and left. We received a "statement" from the hospital and doctor for $1050. Insurance sent us an EOB that they would be covering our bill w/only the copay OOP. Apparently not. Im being sued. Awesome. So I talked to the insurance company today, and they told us that we had 80/20 coverage w/a $500 deductible. So what they paid went towards the deductible plus the 20% we have to pay. I told the lady that would've been nice to know BEFORE St. V's hospital sued me. I know that not only did we call in October, but again February and July. She said she had record of me calling, but not the benefits quoted. She said she could look up what I was told and I ask her if she was gonna give me $900, she said no, so I told her I didn't need to hear anything else she had to say. I also talked to the attorney, and they said in order to have the case dismissed, and not go to court, I have to have this paid in full by November 18th (my bday, happy birthday to me). So, does anyone have $856 I can borrow? Im good for it, I promise. My boss owe's me for Sept/Oct bonuses, and I told him I need at least $400 (of the $1200 he owes me) by Friday so I can make a payment. Also, next week is a pay week, so worse case scenario is that some of my bonus goes towards a payment on Friday, and then the rest is paid Wednesday and I get paid again on Friday. Gah & stab. Seriously.
• The sewer backed up in our office today. It took 8 hours to fix it. Need I say more?
• Two of my friends found out they are expecting baby girls this Spring. STAB. Seriously. I don't know that I could be more jealous. One of them is due 2 days before my April EDD. I know they can't help that they are pregnant, but they can help from posting every 5 seconds about it on FB. I know. I could defriend them or whatever, but I just can't cause they are PG. I should be happy for them, but Im not. And I don't comment, even though I want to. Also, one of these friends is due at the end of March, CONSTANTLY bitches about how she "can't wait to have her body back" and bitches about having 2 kids under 2. Firstly, you can prevent that & secondly, I would give anything for that.

3 Bloggers: Go Give Love (Otherwise known as 3 Thankful Things)

1. Sassy: Had 4 great eggs transferred via ICSI, go give her love and luck!!
2. AshPash: Used DE's for this cycle and transferred one excellent and one good egg, so go visit her while she waits to POAS (her blood test is on my birthday, yaay!!)
3. Kelly: She has experienced 3 losses, and is meeting w/the doctor soon. Please go give her love as she demands (and deserves) all the tests she can have.

Drinking On The Job

So as you can see from exhibit A (otherwise known as the first picture) the whole office took the day off today...kind of. Dr. S. has a cabin in Nashville, IN (about 60 miles south of Indy) and after working til 11am, we all rode down to the cabin. He bought us lunch (KFC, hey big spender) and we ate lunch, imbibed on 3 different kinds of wine and had margaritas. There was a really good sparkling white wine (that doc informed us "is italian, and expensive" yeah) which tasted like juice, and I could have *easily* gotten highly intoxicated, but A) I don't think it's good to get drunk around co-workers, esp. since I become *kissy & B) I HATE wine headaches. So anyway, the first picture is the side of the outside of the cabin. I expected it to be some podunk little lean-to (because the doc calls it his "hunting cabin", so I expected a kitchenette and a bed. It actually was really nice. It reminded me of the 1br cabins you can rent in G-Burg. It had a really nice kitchen, full sized dining table, a fire place in the living room 1 br on the main floor, 1 br in the fully finished basement, 1 BA on the main floor, and another living room/bunk bed area in the basement. It also has a garage to park the 2 4-wheelers. It was really nice! So after we ate lunch, we all headed into downtown Nashville (about 10 miles away) and shopped for about 2hours. For those who are familiar w/Brown County, IN, it's a real touristy shop. I call it a mini-Gatlinburg. It's hilly, and the downtown area has a lot of little shops. I got 5 pairs of socks from For Bare Feet sock store (they are the MOST comfortable, soft, warm socks I have ever had, completely worth the money). I got myself 2 pairs of frog socks, the DH a pair of Police socks, a pair of socks w/Boxer dogs on them (as a joke, but he says they are SUPER comfortable) and my mom a pair of thick socks that have wolves on them. My socks are also super think as I have really cold feet in the winter. Anyway, I also got a quarter pound of ameretto/chocolate fudge, peanut butter/chocolate fudge, homemade cinnamon balls and homemade lemon balls. SO good!! We also stopped at the Brown County Winery, where the doc bought us all our wine of choice. I got plum wine which is super good (and 11% alcohol, yaaay!) We also had a wine tasting (which I have never done b/f, also, a super easy & free way to get tipsy). I tried the blueberry wine (too sweet), the red raspberry wine (couldn't even drink this, it smelled *awful*), the mulled wine (SOOOOO good, got the receipe, gonna make it), the vista white, and the plum (which kind of tastes like a sour ball). Anyway, it was an okay day. I wish the DH could've gone. He really likes Nashville and we haven't been since right after we got engaged. It was nice to be out of the office, the weather was unseasonabley warm, but it would've be even nicer to get paid. Whatever. So, just had to share how sometimes my job rocks =)

3 Thankful Things

1. Getting home alive: On the way home, the guy directly in front of us had a COMPLETE tire blow out. We are lucky pieces of the tire, or the guy, didn't hit us.
2. Making a pit stop at the Coach outlet: And being able to have enough self control NOT to buy the 70% off purse.
3. The beginning of the holiday season: And I mean Thanksgiving. No Christmas music or decorations til 11-25 or thereafter. Im not a scrooge, but it's already commercialized enough. Lets ENJOY it.

Duuuuude

Do you like the new layout? Is it *too* much? It's from Aqua Poppy Designs and all of her designds are LOVELY!! And muchas gracias to Kelly for introducing them to me =) Anyway, tonight DH & I *finally* had it out about this TTC thing. He has been distant whenever I mention it lately & still hasn't had his bloodwork done. So he finally told me he is worried about our financial situation (which isn't awful, we have money saved, but we aren't millionaires). So we talked about it & he wants things to be perfect, but it never will be. So, we finally hashed it out & agreed to continuing TTC #1 & then waiting until baby numero uno is 2-3 (at LEAST potty-trained) b/f going for baby numero dos. I really feel a lot better now. And we addressed the seperation (it was disturbingly hard for both of us) and how we feel like we are a lot different now. We are both trying to make each other happy and we are arguing but coming to agreements instead of just letting things simmer. I just feel good & now, secure. BUT, I am so ready to pregnant. Seriously. Im all done w/this wonky cycle BS. Gah.

3 Thankful Things

1. Free blog layouts, cause my blog would be SO boring if not for them =)
2. Getting to know my DH better, even if it takes arguing. Sometimes we just have to get everything out there, and it's so awesome to know that it isn't gonna break us.
3. My laptop. So I can be lazy & watch tv while surfin the net.

GAAAAAAAAH

So let me list the 3 things Im thankful for today, before I get to the bulleted bitching.

3 Thankful Things

1. Electricity: I know, such a small thing. But I was just thinking, while I did the 1 millionth load of laundry and doing the dishes how IMPOSSIBLE it would be w/o electricity. Seriously. I struggle to do this stuff w/it, let alone, without. And Im thankful that it's affordable, cause *gah*, we've been having to turn off & on the heat due to the silly weather.
2. OTC Meds: DH is having "fluish" symptoms. But, at home, we have Tylenol Flu nighttime meds, which makes him sleep and stop being a baby =) "My throat hurts, it's swine flu." So, yay for Tylenol!!
3. Cable TV: Cause seriously, as much as I hate to admit to this, I puffy heart the Law & Order SVU marathons.

Okay, bulleted bitching.

• Can anything about my cycles be NORMAL!?(TMI ahead, so you're forewarned) So here's the situation. I stopped the bcp's after seeing Dr. R. on Saturday, and started spotting Sunday night. Now, it's up to almost a full flow needing 2 pads/tampons a day. On top of that, my OPK's showed positive. Which I've been using because Dr. R told me to. So anyway, I called the nurse and she told me that my doctor "would never" tell me to use OPK's right after stopping bcp's (whatever) and that this was AF. I explained that I *just* finished AF last Tuesday and I was only on the pills for 7 days. She told me not to chart this cycle because it was all screwed up from the bcp's. So (again TMI) I took a hot bath & we bd'ed last night (yay!). So today, the flow picked up, and I called to see if I needed to do my f/u (I love using that med. term) appointment since I saw the doc on Saturday. She said no, that I would need to come in if my AF hadn't started on it's own my Thanksgiving week. So I told her, again, about the flow right now. She said if it turned into a full period, then I start the OPK's on day 10. And the prometrium up the hoo-ha when the color changes, if not, then I have to have ANOTHER forced cycle. OMG. Please no. So I don't know what to do or what this is. It doesn't feel like AF and the flow is off & on heavy. Has anyone else experienced this?
• Work=dumb. Im 100% sick of being treated like shit. Seriously. My DH & I talked about me looking for a new job, but I just don't see it being a good idea to change jobs while we are trying to have a baby, although, most other jobs give paid maternity leave, whereas, at my current job, I have to have Aflac insurance that pays you while you are off. Im just scared. I can't afford to take 6 wks off unpaid.
• The dog: JEEEEZ. Got into the tampons and pads and they were all over the master bathroom when I got home. DH didn't see it because he had just gotten home a few minutes before me. It was a big ol mess. She is such a hot mess.

Okay..thats all=)

Bleh

So today was my Aunt Mary's viewing..and can I please use my friend Melissa's words *gah* & *stab*? And I'll tell you why....That side of my family is super hilljack. They just are. Can't help it, it just is...and, they are SUPER fertile. STAAAAAAAAAAAB. Seriously, my youngest cousin Susan had her first child in March 2007, and TWINS in July 2008. There is a real chance she is KU'ed right now. The oldest cousin on that side, Jack & his wife Erica are due w/their first child in February 2010. Now what also gets me is that this side of the family "relies" very heavily on the govt. and handouts. Susan & her husband didn't move into their own house until AFTER she had the twins. They were living w/her mom & dad on the pull-out couch when she conceived all 3 kids (yuck) and the same w/Jack. He is such a doucher. I know that it's jealousy, but I don't care. Where's my babeh? Gah, I know. I should just be nice, and I was, but inside I was dying a small death.

It was a nice viewing, as nice as those things can get I guess. Her daughter, Martha, was really sad, but thats to be expected. There was a steady crowd, and we stayed for almost the full 4 hours. We rode down (to Seymour, IN) w/my mom because my dad *had* to work the Colts game. Must.Be.Nice =) Im not a big fan of these things (but who really is?) so I was ready to go after about 27 minutes. We drove around Seymour a little bit because DH is applying for an open police position there. I do NOT want to live there, it's a little podunk town, and I just don't want to do it. Mainly because it means looking for a new RE (and I love ours) and finding a new job. Pass on both of those. But if he gets a police job, it's 100% worth it. So we'll see how that goes.

Anyway, it's been a long day and Im exhausted. It got super cold here today, so it'll be nice to see if my car does the same thing it did last winter and I have frost on the INSIDE of my windows AND the outside. Can't wait =)