I Got An Award, Wootie Woot!!

So when I got up this morning, to check all my email, blog updates, etc. I had a comment that said I had an award..how exciting! I feel so special when I get one..I feel like I just write about everyday life and it makes me feel good to know Im connecting w/other people. I've gotten SO much support from the IF blogsphere, if Im giving half of that back, Im pumped. So go visit Kelly, if you havent already, and give her support and read through. She's a great gal and a great writer!! Thank you mam!!

Here's what I need to do, since I won this award =)

• Thank the person who nominated me and copy the award in my blog (check!)
• Link to the person who nominated me (check!)
• Share seven interesting things about myself (see below and check!)
• Nominate seven fellow bloggers and link to their blogs (see below and check!)

Hmm..7 interesting facts about me? I don't know if their "interesting" but they are about me =)

1. I was born a blonde. Like WHITE blonde. My hair darkened up through school, and now it's a deep red..Im not just *too* sure what my "natural" hair color is. I think a dark brown. Red fits SO much better!!
2. I had never had a breaded pork tenderloin until last summer (09) at the State Fair. I don't know why, but we went about 4x last summer, and I had 2 each time we went. They.Are.Amazing!!
3. I don't like to be touched when I sleep. I know. It's really fun when it's me, DH, Moo, & Allie in bed together. I don't know why, but I can't stand it. Occ. DH & I cuddle while we sleep, but most of the time, no.
4. I leave stuff around the house so I remember where it is..I.E. scrub tops on the kitchen table instead of in the closet. That way I can just grab them. Or socks on my nightstand. This annoys DH to no end, but I just can't help it. I can never seem to find stuff if I actually put it in the *right* place. Dangit, now your gonna think there's just odd stuff at odd places all over our house...well..if the shoe fits =)
5. There are 5 things I CANNOT live without..A hairtie, my cell phone, chapstick, my wallet, and my glasses.
6. I want to have twins. There I said it. Now, DO NOT tell DH!! Also, 1 baby would be just fine God, if you're listening.
7. I do not understand football, at ALL. I've been banned from watching w/my dad & DH before because I asked so many questions..I know. But I love it just the same.

Passing this on to:

1. Lily at Adventures of a Military Family
2. Sassy at EyeHeartInternet
3. Jenn at Got Love, Got Married, Where The Hell's The Baby Carriage
4. Wifey at My Infertility Journey
5. Hannah at Life Happens When Your Making Other Plans
6. Tio at The Impatient Optimist
7. Trinity at Three Is A Magic Number

So there you have it. Don't I feel special =)

Today we did more shopping for the wedding (which is on New Years Eve 2010 or 12-31-10, for those who asked =) and I think she chose a dress..and I found my bridesmaid dress. I am such a fan of it. It's so freaking pretty. I'll post pics soon.

Today's 365 (day 31) was taken @ Walmart. Moo wanted/had to sit in the cart, she was NOT taking no for an answer, so we obliged, explaining that we were there to get groceries and if she wanted to sit in the "basket" portion of the cart, she'd have groceries with her. After they got to about her had, she wanted out. We told her she sould have not gotten into the cart. And here she is..covered in groceries =)

Dude, I just realized, she's not a baby anymore!!! Wahhhh!!!!
Anyway, she had great behavior again today and even got to try on some dresses. We even got her to hold still for one whole picture, but I'll post that later. Now, Im off to finish my Subway (thanks DH!!) and watch some Kitchen Nightmares.

30 Days!!!

Milestone for me..I've completed one month of my 365 project. Im pretty freakin proud of myself..Usually Im a huge procrastinator and I feel like some of my pics have really shown whats been going on in our lives. So for todays 365 (day 30) I took a picture of the camera I've been using for my 365 pics..

My husband was really surprised at what good pics this little, cheapish camera we bought. We got this the last time we went to Gatlinburg, back in October 2009. We could NOT find our old digital camera, which I loved. There was NO WAY I was going to G-Burg w/o taking pictures so we stopped at Walmart and bought this one for $89..and it's a 9.2 megapixel and hello, it takes fantastic pics. You've seen them =) Also, remember how last weekend we cleaned the whole house? Did DH find the old digi-cam? Oh yes he did. Now my SIL has this camera that has a little pen thingy (what are those called?) and can use it to edit her pics b/f she even gets them on the computer. I want one SO bad!! But they are almost $350, we don't have that extra money...but dangit, I want one!!

Today we did wedding stuff w/the SIL & almost BIL. We also had Moo and it was SO much fun!! Seriously..It's so much easier to enjoy stuff when it's not your wedding your planning..So less stressful. The cake was DELICIOUS..So expensive though. We also went and look @ bridal gowns and I think Lindsey found "the one." She still wants to have that moment w/her mom, but she looked AMAZING today. Plus, it was on the cheap (less than $1000). And then I found my BM dress..gorgeous and over $200..but I effing love it!! It's a trumpet skirt w/lace overlay on the bodice and a sash over the overlay. The dress will be black, the color under the overlay is called "peacock" and is a teal/jade color, and the overlay and sash will both be black. So freaking gorgeous. You have no idea. Totally worth the $200 even if I only get to wear it once. I know..But then you know what SIL said ? "If your PG, this might be harder to alter." Do I dare hope that? Do I dare think about the "what ifs" when we are dress shopping? My mom mentioned the same thing. She is CONVINCED the Femara cycle in March will be "the one". Ugh. I know everyone means well, but then I feel like such a failure when it doesn't happen, ya know? But anyway, today was super fun, Moo was SO good and we might go out and try on more tomorrow, along w/some flowergirl dresses.

Also..bloggy-friends who've unfortunately experienced recurrent m/c..I have a question. Did your cycles ever go back to normal? We had m/c's in July & August, forced prometrium cycles Sept/Oct/Nov, nothing in December (and we got PG) and then I had the 3 day bleeding on the 20th-23rd of January. So basically, I haven't had a "normal" cycle since June 2009. And even when I had the forced cycle, I started anywhere from 4-12 days after starting the prometrium. And since we are supposed to be "refraining" on my fertile days, I don't know when they are!! I don't seem to be cycling normally (obviously) and the last time, the o-test was COMPLETELY off. In fact, it was 2 days late in telling me I was o-ing. Gah. So any advice would be fantastically awesome!!

When..

As I stare at this beautful little girl while she sleeps...*

I wonder when it will be our turn...I hold this little girl closer to my heart then I ever thought possible..I wonder when it will be our turn to hold our own little baby..who we can watch grow, and blossom, and be loved more then they will ever know. I am so ready to be a momma. You have no idea. I've been able to push away the feelings of almost desperation that we aren't trying this month or next. Would I love to have anotehr surprise, yes and no. I don't know if my body can handle it this close to our other loss, and I know I cannot be unmedicated and be pregnant. Obviously my body just doesn't handle it. But another baby, a pregnancy on our own w/o being medicated first, that would be amazing. But for now, we're trying to be careful...We'll see how it goes. I love you sweet girl. Thank you for being the daughter of my heart, even if you aren't the daughter of my womb. E & I love you more then you'll ever know.

*365-Day 29

Im So Dumb (and Other Musings)

So for my 365 today I was gonna post a picture of the schedule of patients we had at work today.. It was INSANE!! More on that in a second..But I completely can't due to HIPAA regulations and the whole patient privacy thing. Im dumb. Duh. So this picture of myself & Tea will have to suffice. It was "pink" day for our scrubs today (and I swear I look like Im 40 hundred pounds.)
365-Day 28

Hey, I actually look kind of good here. =)









Okay, so NCV stands for "Nerve Conduction Velocity" test. Basically, the tech takes this little, for lack of a better word, wand, and goes over either the upper or lower nerves (hands/arms or feet/legs) and does a spinal ultrasound. It's a pretty rad thing. But hurts like hell...but then again you all know that Im a wuss when it comes to pain. I got one to see what was going on w/my knee, cause it's like a nerve MRI. Yeah, that was 20 minutes I'll never get back. No results because I fidgeted too much. Ahh whatever. No one else has been in pain..So anyway, whenever we have this test, it adds about an hour to each patients visits and it is insane. Seriously. And today, the tech took FOREVER w/each patient. So the patients were getting, well inpatient, and it was just hectic. But it's my favorite day each month because it just FLIES by. And for each test, I make extra money =) Yippee for a bonus. It's already over $200 for this month. Wootie.

Also, my DH says it's looks like I've lost about 20lbs. HA. Maybe 5-7? Im not just too dead sure how because I've been eating cookies like it's my 2nd full time job. So maybe cookies help you loose weight now? It might also be because Im only eating about 1 meal a day..and not on purpose. I've just been easily nauseaus since the last pregnancy, and it just hasn't gone away. I have Zofran for it, but it's tolerable, so I don't take it unless it's terrible. But anyway, it's nice to be a little lighter. Maybe I'll actually cycle on my own for the first time in 7 months. Yeah.

Okay, thats all.  Oh wait, not it's not. So my PCP wanted me to start on Ambien CR (cause w/o it I have terrible nightmares) and the regular Ambien has been wearing off about 3-4am and Im awake for the rest of the day. Because the Ambien CR is so new, my insurance company is making me "try" Lunesta for 30 days. Oh jeez. It. Was. Awful. last night. Seriously. I fell asleep at 10:45pm, woke up at 1am, 2:27am, 2:57am, 3:10am, stayed awake until 4:15am, fell back asleep at 4:30am and had to be back awake at 6:30am. Plus it has an AWFUL metallic taste in your mouth that lasts all day and makes everything taste funky. Im gonna give it a few more days to start "working" and then Im gonna have to call Dr. C and tell her what the deal is. Guess if it doesn't work, I'll just have to up my Ambien dosage. Gah. Can't anything be normal? Lol.

Happy Anniversary Allie!!!

365 days ago..We we're driving to Franklin, IN (about 90 minutes to the south) in a HUGE snowstorm to get our sweet, baby Allie. We really can't remember life b/f her. Im pretty sure it was really quiet and a lot less aggrevating, but boring. She is hilarious, "talks", has E wrapped around her little paw, and it's just really part of our lives. So w/o further adieu, here are some pics of Miss A over the last year..

This is one of the first pictures we took after we got Allie, I can't find the one that we got of her as we were coming home in the snowstorm, but she is about 9mos old here.

This is Miss Allie's first experience w/outside water. She had always loved baths, so at our old house we had a creek, and she LOVED playing in it. This was right after her first birthday, around the middle of April, and the water was stilled cold, obviously.

I don't know if you can see them both, but this is a picture of Moo-Moo & Allie taking a nap after a great big ol day. She barely leaves Moo's side when she is over. It's hilarious.

This is one of my favoritest pics. Allie & Moo wrestle all the time and in this pic, Moo has just "won" the match. She's holding Allie hostage.

Oh yes we did dress our dog up for Halloween, this is her glow-in-the-dark shirt. She looked adorable and pranced around like the pretty, pretty princess that she is.

Here we are at my parents for Christmas Eve 2009 (Im trying not to dwell on the fact that I was pregnant in this pic, this is the first time I've looked @ our Christmas pictures since we lost the baby. Tiny sob). She was so, so good. Everyone was in love w/her.

Here is my dad's whole side of the family (minus some family members that live on the east coast) and no we did not pose Allie like this. She ran in & sat in every.single.pic. Hilarious =)

Adorable. Seriously. How can you say no to this face. Also, she loves car rides (which is what she is doing here.)

And here the 3 of us are today. Don't we all just look thrilled? So happy family day Allie, you are the bestest doggie anyone could ask for!!

Allie Post 1

So I know I've talked about our doggie Allie before, but I wanted to do a couple of posts on her since her "anniversary" w/us is tomorrw. Yep. We've had sweet dog for almost 365 days. I can't believe that. She's grown so much, not only physically, but maturely (is that a word)? Allie goes to daycare about once a week & there is a Boxer breeder that words there, that warned us that she wouldn't "grow out" of her puppy stage until about age 3...He was right. It took her FOREVER too learn commands. Last winter/early spring, we weren't sure we were going to be able to keep her, she was THAT bad. But 364 days after we got her..E let her go "leash free" in our yard..She LOVED it! And was so good. She loves to run. I can't wait until we have a huge yard to just let her roam in. In honor of Miss A being leash free, here she is running in the snow..
365-Day 26 (1)

And here she is "sniffing around" (and 365-Day 26(2))

Big Kissin

I am a big fan of these pics..Maybe they're "too" personal? But I don't think so. My DH took them and they just make me smile!!
365-Day 25 (1)

0o0o0o..We're gonna kiss..Cover your eyes

365-Day 25 (2) Face smashing kiss!!! Love it!!









Also today was the last day before the boss lady comes back. I have to say, it's been a pretty easy, calm week, minus last Tuesday, which I *know* I still haven't told the story of, but it's just one of those things..Ridiculous. People just got on a power trip, and it just pissed me off. It'll be nice to have someone else to do back-up when we get busy, but I've liked being in charge. And that wasn't a power trip, it was just calm..drama-free..good. Ahh, whatever.

It's colder then anything here. Well actually it doesn't feel that cold, but the wind is 40mph, blowing the snow all over the place..it's actually little pieces of ice, but holy moly, it feels cold. I just tried to Allison outside, she took 2 steps into the snow, felt the wind blow and ran me back inside. She is such a priss.

On the m/c front, umm..I only bled for 3 days. Wtf!? Seriously? That's not even a normal period length, let alone a m/c. For me, it's usually at least 7 days, more like 10 the last few. I had some serious mid-day cramping today, so should I call Dr. R? Im just kind of concerned. I don't want to "retain" anything and I want to be able to start again in March. That will be our last chance to have a 2010 baby. I know, thats not the most important thing. But another year w/no baby? That sucks.

Okay..off to do the comment thing =)

Super Bowl Bound!!!

The Colts are going to the Super Bowl..for the 2nd time in 4 seasons!! And man, we almost didn't make it. The Cotls didn't even play the first quarter. Good grief. Heart attack city..So in honor of this..Here's me & DH during the game!!

365-Day 24

Woot!! Bienvinedos a Miami!!

Today Was A Big Day

All hail the power of Prozac!!! I know Dr. C said it could take up to 2 weeks for the full effects to kick in, but the energy part, I've got it. I actually had a restful nights sleep, and didn't wake up more tired then I was when I went to bed..But that could also be because this was kind of stressful. DH and I got up, he vaccumed while I took down the Christmas tree (I know, finally) and then put away all of our Christmas decorations..This was tough because during the holidays, I was pregnant, and putting everything away means things are really over. I know, ridiculous. So anyway, we also hung a few little word plaque's we have, we hung Allie's Christmas present from my mom & dad,  hung a shelf in the guest bathroom, where a lot of my frog stuff is (yes, it's a "frog" bathroom) and my DH put together the barstools we got for Christmas. Well actually, he only put together one, but it's the one Im using currently at the desk that is in our kitchen. The size of our kitchen and the fact that it has this extra counter space (that Im using for said "desk") was a real selling point for us. Now, here are the pics of the barstool being made...

In this pic, Allie is reading the directions to DH. She *had* to be in the middle of everything.

And here is the finished project. We got 4 of these from my mom & dad. Apparently, they got a really good deal on them..She just had to tell me how good of a deal it was @ Christmas..So now I don't feel so bad that they got us 4..lol. This was our "big ticket" item.

And here is me using our new barstool. I kind of have to pole vault to get on it because it's so tall, but I love having my computer back out in the kitchen instead of in our bedroom. So much more space. Oh and forgive the way I look. We'd been cleaning all morning.

This is what Allie got from my mom & dad for Christmas. She is the "grandog". I know. =)

And here is *some* of my frog collectibles that are now in the frog bathroom. This shelf was made for me by my grandpa when I was 7 years old. It used to be in my old bedroom at my parents house. It's very pretty.

And last, but not least, DH & I. Explain to me how in every.single.picture, DH looks like a model? Explain this!!! I look like you could connect the dots w/the zits, and DH just looks @ the camera & bam, every picture was this good. He'd been cleaning all day to. Gah. But I love this pic of us, so it is today's 365 (day 23).






**Also, Im participating in Sock It To Me-Winter 2010 (see the sidebar for more info) and I dyed my hair...Love, LOVE it!! So does DH. You'll have to wait for that pic for tomorrow. I'll have DH take it when Im all dolled up for church =)**

No Merit Cravings

Okay, so this is gonna be a bit random today..But oh well, thats my mood today. So for todays 365-Day 22, I have a picture of 2 things I have been craving the last 2 days.

To the left, White Cranberry Peach juice & to the right White Cran/Strawberry juice. Mmmm.. Delicious. I am currently drinking on the Cran/Strawberry. But ugh. I am SO not a fan of having this stupid cravings for no good reason. I want to have "cravings" because there is a baby inside that wants weird stuff. And there for sure is not, and that just makes me pissy. But it is good, so thats okay.

Also, this m/c is so weird. You'd think after 6, I'd know what to expect. Completely not the case. This time, it took almost a month to even "start" and now I've had heavy bleeding for 48 hours, and horrible cramping. So this evening, the bleeding has really slowed, and Im just concerned that things aren't going "normally." Although, is there a "normal" m/c? If you don't want TMI, just skip this part, otherwise, read ahead. Usually, I start 2-4 days after a low beta or after we find out the baby has died. It usually lasts 7-10 days (days 1-4 heavy, then 5-7 medium, then 8-10 slow flow). A few days longer then AF. Really bad cramping the first 2 days, then it tapers off and usually a h/a mid m/c. I don't know if it's due to the fact that I had such an awful reaction to the prometrium shot, or if it's because it took so long to start, but should I be concerned? Im just ready to have this over with & cycle normally on my own so we can get this show on the road in March. So, please, give me some advice.

Okay, so on the SIL front, I have to vent. She has PCOS, she's known about it since she was 18, and therefore has had an OB that is really specialized to help her "deal" with this. She's on BCP's and her & the fiance want to have a baby "really bad." She had abnormal paps a year ago and now has to have 3 months of normal ones, and then they can jump on the baby train. So apparently she ment w/her OB/GYN yesterday, and she gave her a "baby plan." And I just wanted to say, it is SO not that easy!!! She asked me for advice and what I thought, and I was a good girl and didn't just get blunt & in her face and say "all I know about being PG is how to have DB's" But apparently her doc told her she needs to keep a period diary, gave her a years supply of ovulation tests (must be nice! we've spent our future childs tuition on "o" & pg tests), and told her to track ovulation starting in January 2011 (she doesn't want to be a PG bride)...and 80% of the couples get pregnant w/in 6-8 months. Insert profanity here. She seems so excited. So naive. I remember those days. The days of, oh, we'll be pregnant in 2 months, oh we've already had one miscarriage there's no way we'll have more, oh we've had 4 miscarriages, this has got to be the one, to oh, fuck, another one. I am just really struggling to be happy for her in this area. DH asked me if I'd be okay if she got pregnant and had a baby before we did, and I told him I'd be "okay" but I'd die a little bit on the inside. And not because I want to have the first grandchild or any of that, it's just, it's our turn dammit. Ah, you'll know she'll either A) get PG by surprise b/f the wedding or B) get pregnant on her honeymoon. Ugh. I know.

Okay...Im off to watch some cooking shows. Drool =)

Welcome, Welcome!!

It's ICLW time again..and I tend to get long winded, so let me just give you the basics..=)

• Im 27, DH is 24 (Im MrsJoyner/Mai, he's Evan/BigE)
• We got married in a big fall fling on October 4, 2008...About 8 hours after "I Do" we started TTC. TMI? Yep =)
• We've had 5 losses. Yep. F.I.V.E.
• Before we were married, I had a m/c at 11wks while I was in college. Recurrent Pregnancy Loss? Yep, thats me.
• I also have Factor V-Leiden (heterozygous). I take Aspirin 81 daily (along w/prenatal vitamins, ulcer medication, and newly added, Prozac.)
• After all of these losses, my brain kind of went on vacation. I got it back today. Im now the proud owner of said Prozac. Yeah. My pcp pulled out the big guns. I haven't felt this good in months.
• We are taking January & February "off" from TTC to let my body recover from this most recent m/c. We lost the baby at about 5wks, but the m/c didnt start until yesterday. Emotionally, Im still kind of unsteady, but I feel like we have to move on.
• On the first of this year I started my 365 project. Every day, for the whole year, Im taking a picture of our lives, so next year we can turn back and actually see what was important, or funny, or what we accomplished in 2010. So far, I haven't missed a day =)
• My SIL is getting married on New Years Eve, Im the matron of honor and helping her plan her wedding. Im excited. We didn't use to get along, now we are uncannily close. Funny how things change.
• We are helping raise a little girl we call Moo-Moo. Her mother overdosed and died right before her 2nd birthday and her dad is in jail. Her legal guardians are her grandparents, whom she lives with and who DH and I are exceptionally close to. She is the light of our lives.
• Okay, I think that about covers it. Please, feel free to ask me anything, anything you ever wanted to know, and I'll answer truthfully.
• Again, welcome!!

And of course, w/o further ado..Todays 365-Day 21..My new Coach purse..Hello!! I got this for Christmas from my mom (who would NEVER in her life spend more then $25 on a purse.) She surprised me w/this on Christmas Eve. Surprised isn't even the word. It was insane. Im a big fan of Coach (DH got me hooked when he got me 2 for Valentines day 2 years ago). Apparently, she got one too, though I have yet to see it. So, for your viewing pleasure..

Yay =)

Hmm..This Layout Reminds Me...

Of the Red Bra of Courage....What do you think? Good? Bad? Sexy? Not so much? Input gladly taken!!

Dude, New Jammies!! (And some TMI)

So did you know that Walmart (along w/having Red Bras of Courage) also have some rockin jammies?! I was unaware of that until today..Hello. Looky what we have here.
365-Day 20

OMG, I look like a midget (or "small person", to be PC). Im really not. Im a tall, amazon beauty...back to reality. So these are "love" fleece jammie pants and this way cool half jacket/half robe thing. It's just perfect cause it's not the full length robe but it keeps me super warm. Im just a big fan of Walmart currently.








And now, for some TMI, in bullet formation of course =)

• The bleeding, cramping part of the miscarriage start if FULL fucking force today. My goodness. I forgot how painful this is. I feel kind of removed from the whole situation..as removed as you can be from something happening in your own body..I think because the baby has been gone for over 2 weeks. Now it's just "contents" you know, according to the doctor. F. Some super big clots, pain, but what can I do now? Try to be in denial? Hells yes!!
• My DH & I had random 4am sex the other night (morning?). Was it awesome you ask? Most certainly =)
• I have an appt w/my PCP tomorrow. Im gonna talk to her about the weekend depression and the fact that I feel like we are getting the runaround from the RE. They are both in network together, so she has her notes. I just feel like it's been almost 16 months that we have been trying, and we've lost 5 babies. I can't do this again. Seriously. I thought I was going off the deep end w/this one. I've only just recently pulled myself off the ledge. W/all the shit going on at work as well, I need to be medicated. I know numbing myself might not be the best way to do things, but I have no energy. Something must be done. Not to mention, Im in almost constant pain. <--Physically as well as emotionally. Constant. At a 5-7 every.day. I can't keep doing this. Im 27, not 87.
• Also, I could use some advice on what a "typical" cycle plan looks like. How long did your RE wait to get things started? What were some of your "conception" plans? If you don't mind sharing.

Okay, thats all for now. These cramps are kicking my ass. Love you all!!

*PS: Im just not as much of a fan of this layout as I thought I was. So if you stop by and things are all whack-a-doo, Im looking for and trying on different layouts.*

Angry

365-19

I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. It's one of those things, if I go over it one.more.time. I'll explode. Im okay(physically), DH is fine, Im just hurt, angry, and hot, like the pic. Oh, and I bet you'll never guess what it is..

Such A Wussy

This humongous injury is 365-Day 18......Prepare yourselves....

Umm not the brown mole..the little pink spot. Yessir, the DH got his blood drawn today..FINALLY!! 14wks later!! 4.Whole.Vials!! He almost passed out. They had to lay him down. OMG. Cracked up doesn't even begin to cover it. Welcome to my world DH. He needed a cookie. So I showed him the Red Bra of Courage..;)

Just for shits & gigs, here's my arm after a recent blood draw. So, who really needs the cookie?

The Red Bra of Courage

You know how sometimes you just need a "pick me up" (no pun intended)...Found mine!!

Never have I ever owned a red bra in my life. So risque'. Love it!! And hello, it came from Walmart..I have this bra in black & turquoise and white & light blue. It is one of my *most* favorite & comfortable bras. And it looks like VS. Nice.

And Im really going out on a limb to show you how it looks on. Cause dangit, the girls look good. Also, tmi, but whatever, I didn't get substantial boobies til I was 24, I went from a 38 A (minus) to a 38B like over night. It was insanity!! Then, back in about October or November I realized my bras were extremely uncomfortable and tight and I was messing w/them all day. So I figured it was just the fatness..uh no. I went to VS and got measured..Im now the proud owner of 38D's!!! OMG!! My boobies are finally bigger then my mom's. LOL!! And my sisters, lol. And yeah, they did this on their own out of nowhere. My DH was so excited. Of course he was. Lol. Oh and he's a big fan of the red bra. Oh and the courage part, I have to be the office manager this week. Im gonna kick ass and take names. Im totally wearing this bra on a couple days this week. Yesssss.



*Also, I think Im depressed. Surprise. Im gonna call the doc tomorrow. Im scared to go on any meds, not because I haven't before, but because I don't want to have to detox when (if) I get pregnant. Anyone know anti-depressants one can stay on during a pregnancy? Let me know*

Today

Depression is rage spread thin.
~George Satayana~

Under Construction

Just in case you're checking in..Im trying out some new backgrounds..I just was "meh" about the lastest one. Im thinking I was something bright!! We'll see and then give me feedback =)

Herbert & Pinky

Let me make the introductions..Herbert & Pinky (and 365-Day 16)

The frog is Herbert, the bear, Pinky. And here's their story. Pinky was the first gift my parents ever gave me. The first time we "met" at my foster parents home, I received Pinky. He has a rattle on the inside and is 27 years old. He is one of my most treasured possesions. And funnily enough, every single time Moo-Moo is over, she absolutely has to have Pinky by her side, in her hand. Herbert, I know, the name. Lol. My parents used to make fun of me all of the time. I received Mr. H. when I was 8 or 9 years old. He was the first frog "collectible" I ever received (and yep, I collect frogs=) I have no idea where the name came from, but I think it just fits him. He's an old soul, and yes, Im talking about a stuffed animal. These 2 have been w/ me everywhere. On my first plane flight, to Germany, and on my honeymoon. I KNOW!! But don't worry, they were stuffed in the bottom of my suitcase. Don't think Im *too* weird. DH knows about H &P and he thinks they are hilarious. He also knows they travel w/me. Well they haven't recently, but we've taken the majority of our trips w/Moo and she always wants to take one of them, also she calls Herbert "Heebut." Lol.


So I completely think the m/c is going to "officially" start tonight or tomorrow. I had some spotty nastiness this morning, TMI, but ya know. I don't know exactly how to say this, so Im just gonna be blunt. Im ready to get this over with. It's been almost a month. And we cannot possibly start another cycle w/o me finishing (for lack of a better word) this miscarriage. I feel like I sound like I somehow, sound like, I don't want to be pregnant, but that is NOT the case. I almost desperately do, but I know this baby passed away a few weeks ago, and is no longer w/us. I know that my beta is almost 0, and that my body isn't producing pregnancy hormones to keep the baby alive anymore. Im just producing hormones that are making me crazy, angry, sad, and exhausted. And I need to get everything under control so we can start a COMPLETELY monitored cycle in March. I need a month w/no *new* worries. God, I feel like I sound like such a bitch. I don't know how else to explain this. I've been struggling w/this feeling of overwhelming sadness and overwhelming relief all day. Ugh. Don't think too badly of me, okay?

Also, your comments have been so effing wonderful. Thank you, thank you, thank you!! I plan on going to your blogs and thanking you in "person."

Okay, the Colts pregame is on and hello, must go watch that.

PS: Something else that has been on my mind..umm, a lot. I wonder, all the time, if we will ever get to do that "pregnancy annoucement" that everyone else does? I.E. the surprise u/s picture, a picture of a + HPT, the tears, the screaming. We kind of got that on Christmas Day w/our last pregnancy, but I know next time, it will be a tempered happiness. Everyone praying for the best, preparing for the worst. F you RPL, F YOU!!

Happy New Year, an angry topic, the song of my heart

So we never did get to "pop the bottle" on NYE. We had just gotten our m/c news, and we were both just emotionally exhausted. We were in bed by 10:45. So here it is. We popped the bubbly and it was SO freaking good!! Yummy..Oh and then I really had the taste for a champagne margarita. Yeah. I said it.

Oh my goodness, SO good. It's just raspberry sorbet in the champagne. It was amazing. Im a great cook. =)










Oh & in case you didn't know those were 365-Day 15 (1&2).

DH and I fought all night. It was awesome. I don't know what my deal was or his for that matter. I think mine partially is the hormones and the other part is that a friend of a co-worker, is having an abortion tomorrow. A fucking abortion. I can't even talk about it. I just blurted out that we would take her baby. If she just wouldn't kill it. She's 8.5 weeks along. OMG. She doesn't want to carry the baby the whole time. To say I had to take a minute to get my shit together would be an understatement. Who does that!? And why did my co-worker feel the need to tell me?! There was nothing to say. I wanted her away from me. I can't even wrap my mind around that, to do it, WILLINGLY. I would carry a baby for 3 years if it meant a child. This is so beyond me. And I think, no matter what your abortion stand is, this is bad. There I said it. What she is doing is wrong. We would give all we have for 1 healthy baby. 1.

Then I heard this song. Called "Show Me What Im Looking For" by Carolina Liar. Amazing. I was moved completely to tears. I was just gonna give you some of the lyrics, but this song just touches my heart, and reminds me of some women who have been where I am right now.

Wait, Im wrong
Should have done better then this
Please, I'll be strong
Im finding hard to resist
So show me what Im looking for

Save me. Im lost
Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you.
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused

Show me what Im looking for
Show me what Im looking for
Oh Lord

Don't let go
I've wanted this far too long
Mistakes become regrets
I've learned to love abuse
Please show me what Im looking for

Save me, Im lost
Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you
I'll pay any cost
Save me from being confused

That's all I can currently type through these blurry eyes. This is the song of my heart.

Peas & Donuts

So work was agony. Dr. B told me to get a donut. I thought she meant a chocolate one. She also said to get some CVS "peas". Perfection. Honestly. Genius.

Oh the sweet, sweet donut. Takes the weight off of both of my hips, which is good since I can't put any on my left side and have been favoring my right. Also, see the blue thing to the left? Those are CVS "peas." They totally look & feel like real peas. They conform to the shape of the area you are putting them on & were totally cold 2 hours after I bought them. Sweet relief. Seriously. Can I sleep w/my donut? Everyone at work is gonna think I have hemorrhoids tomorrow. Whatever. Fine. I puffy heart my donut.


Im better then I was last night. No sleep, cause of the not being able to sleep on my left side. I never realized how much of a side sleeper that I am. Im just done w/this shit, ya know? Im even done telling people whats wrong, cause you can't just "share" about having fertility issues. Im just gonna tell them I have hemorrhoids tomorrow. Baha. That'll stop the questions. Or just blurt out that Im currently going through my 5th miscarriage. We'll see how that goes over.

Okay..off to watch Pretty Woman & Funny Girl. Ahh, girl movies.

13 IS Unlucky

Today is 365-Day 13..and let me tell you..this is gonna be a profanity-laden, bitching, angry post. Seems to go w/the day, huh.
So first the pic..

This is my left hip. I have no idea what the small bump/bruise is at the top, but this is where I got the injection that *will* start the miscarriage. I can no longer be in denial. The pain is too great. And I think the nurse was a complete f*ckwit because I bitched her out yesterday and because I complained about her today. I received a rather large dose of progesterone today. OMG, if I have to do this the whole time Im PG (if THAT ever happens) then Im gonna also need a side of painkiller. This bad news. And please tell me if this is normal. There is a huge knot in the middle of this bruise, no she did not massage the injection like your supposed to do after administering it. Earlier today, it was so swollen the elastic around my waist was cutting off my circulation. It hurts all the way down my leg into my feet. It hurts to sit, it jurts to move, it hurts to straighten my left leg. And hurt doesn't even describe it. It's agony. Seriously. Im not exaggerating. Whenever I move, tears come to my eyes and I literally cry out. I've made DH run in here 3x since I've been home..it's that bad. He said  should call the doc and see if this is normal. I was like, and do what? Go to the f*cking ER!? Im so fucking done w/this. Can I have ONE day w/o pain. ONE!? I feel like a fucking invalid. And I hate being like this. So worthless. Im not doing shit around my house, laundry is piling up, and now I can barely fucking walk. When does it end? And what if Im doing all of this w/o a baby in the end?! That is the ONLY think keeping me going right now. This has to be all worth it right? RIGHT!? I can't remember the last time I woke up & I wasn't nauseated, or in pain. Well, yes I can. It was b/f the carjacking in August. And these doctors, give me the fucking runaround. Shit.

On the RE appt..She had me do a u/s before the shot (thank God). She showed me where the placenta had been attached (did we need that?! really!?) and I felt more like shit. She told me my lining was waaay thick, adn that could be causing pain. The cyst on the right has gone down considerably and the left side looks like it's healing. So she doesn't know why Im in so much pain. She probably thinks Im crazy. Also..drumroll please...no treatments until March, so most likely, no 2010 baby for us.Fucking rad. She wants me to have a normal u/s in Feb. & March and in March, if everything is "normal" we can start the Clomid. Awesome. Thats great. Thank you for the good news.

Fuck this hurts. I can't even lay down. Now what?

*Hey kids..add to the list of fucking ridiculousness..Im allergic to whatever oil is in the progesterone shots. Although, my RE "isn't sure" of what kind it is, but "obviously, we don't want to use it again." YOU SURE!? My husband went to hug me, touched the above spot, and it hurt so bad that I screamed in pain and imm. started shaking. Yeah. I can't even have a normal allergic reaction. Im no longer gonna say "can there be one.more.thing? Cause, uh yeah, there can be.

365-Day 12 (and some other stuff)

To start off, it's 365-Day 12..

Okay, I don't know if you can see the name, but it's the newest fragrance from Bath & Body Works..Twilight Woods (and no, I did not request it because of the whole Twilight thing..lol.) It smells so good. You have no idea. I got the body cream from my "secret santa" at work, 2 shower gels (one of which Im using for bubble bath) from my DH & MIL, and the spray came in the mail, yesterday (finally!!). It's just delicious. I completely sprayed way too much today when we went to my parents house for dinner, but it just smells so good..In fact, Im gonna spritz a little on my pillow right now =) Ahh. Yay.




Secondly, I have to add a picture of this other dress my SIL tried on last Saturday. It wasn't in our top 3, but her mom really liked it, so I'd like to get some feedback. The other 2 I posted are my favorites, but this one was eh, okay (in my opinion.). My SIL was so-so on it. She loved the pick up skirt, but the train is almost too much. Also, don't you just love how bridal gowns are *at least* 2 sizes smaller then regular clothes? That is so dumb. I wonder why the gown companies do that. Gah. So try not to look at the part where the dress doesn't close. My SIL isn't some huge girl, the dresses are just ridiculous

Okay, so too me the dress kind of looks like it's melting into the train. IDK. Im not the biggest fan of the pick up skirt style, so this wouldn't suit me. But my SIL. She wasn't floored by the dress, but it, by far, wasn't the worse one.








Lastly, I have no pics for this because I don't know how you take a picture of jealousy. More pregnancy annoucements, or 4D u/s pictures, or "wishing I had my body back" FB status updates. And tomorrow I go in for my appointment to discuss our most recent m/c. I know that she won't do any "procedures" tomorrow because I don't have a driver, but I 100% cannot afford to miss more work. If I have to have anything else done, it will have to be a Friday afternoon. I already get sh*t for the time I have missed. Whatever. Gah. Please, let the doc figure SOMETHING out.

Yuck

So now that I review my 365, it's making me a little queasy. Now, it's nothing gross. Have you had these MacWraps from McDonalds? They are worth every.single.calorie. But 2.5 is 1.5 TOO many. Ugh. I feel awful and now looking at my 365, hmm. Gag. So thats not the best commercial (but they were super good), but here they are =)

Seriously, ingenious, but ugh, stop at 1. TRUST me.








Okay..Im pretty boring today and freeeeezing. Our house is so cold. We are supposed to have the best windows you can get, which I feel like means they should seal.out.the.cold. Not so much. Im keeping the heat at 68, but we are constantly running the space heater. Constantly. And it NEVER warms up. So DH is calling the maitenance people tomorrow cause this has got to stop. Our heating bill was $137 last month, and thats w/the heat turned down. And it's like 12 degrees at night here, so we've got to figure out what the deal is. Also, Im having asthma issues, I think it might be related to the freezing.

Also, Im not taking any sh*t from my RE. Today I called, and the nurse was giving me crap. I told her I did not want to talk to her, that I was furious that she did not tell my doc about the cysts or the non-bleeding. She wanted to wheel & deal about getting me an appt. I kept to my guns and I have an appointment Wednesday at 8:15. I don't know what she is gonna do..But something has got to change, or I've at least got to get a real answer as to wtf is going on.

Okay, it's Intervention/House/Hoarders time =)

365-Day 10, Broken

Not unlike my heart. It all hit me today. I feel broken. Physically & emotionally.









*Also* I've been sitting here thinking..as I tend to do..after my 6th cry of the day (and for those that have been reading me for awhile, Im just not a cryer) and I was wondering if you think it's time for some..measures..Like Lexapro? Should I just wait out the hormone drop? I am FOR SURE calling the RE back tomorrow (her fucking NP never gave her the message that A) I had been seen in the ER for the cysts or B) that I *still* haven't started bleeding.) Im so beyond pissed. Im gonna call my PCP and see if I can see her and of course, my RE. I'd just like some advice, thats all. And thank you, for letting me feel how I feel and not judging me..and for letting me wallow. This is just really hitting me hard this time. Thank you, from the bottom of my broken heart.

Here Comes The Bride..

So my SIL tried on 2 dresses that I told her she had to try on for me..and she FELL IN LOVE.  They are gorgeous. I can't even try to describe them in detail. She looked so pretty. Oh my goodness. She must've tried on 30 dresses. The salesperson was such a jackass. Linds described exactly what she wanted and the salesgirl brought her EXACTLY the opposite of what she wanted. I ended up pulling the majority of the dresses. It kind of sucked. And Davids was SO freakin busy. We also went to another store, but they don't carry any size over an eight. WTF!? Bridal gowns run 2 sizes smaller then street sizes. How could anyone fit in that? Well except those supermodel, tall, pretty girls. It was ridiculous. So w/o further ado...

So here is fun, sassy NYE wedding dress. Doesn't my SIL look thrilled? She was peeved because she loved this dress, but it was the wrong size and see how it sits all dumb at the waist? She was pissed .They told her she'd have to take a "chance" on ordering a bigger size and hoping it fitted. Gah. Dumb. That's not a choice you should have to make on your wedding gown.

This her other favorite. The design is so gorgeous & she looks happier here because the dress fit correctly.

This is the train design on the second dress. Gorgeous!!

Here are the 2 dresses side by side in the store. So hard to choose. Oh also, this is my 365..Cause, dangit, now I want to have another wedding and get a pretty dress..LOL..Ahh, Im glad I don't have the stress of planning another wedding. Once is enough for me =)