Crossroads

I think DH & I are at that place that no couple ever, ever wants to be at. The crossroads where some tough decisions have to be. Where blame is being placed, where exhaustion has set in. Where my will to fight is failing. Where it seems like it would almost be easier to just walk away. Where I don't think I can take any more hurt, any more pain, any more loneliness. Where my breath is constantly caught in my chest. Where I cry every morning on my way to work. Where my heart is breaking into a thousan pieces. Where I am hoping & praying with every ounce of my being that "us" isn't turning into "me." Where my stomach aches because I don't want my daughter to experience anything unhappy in her young life. Where I know she has seen us fighting too much. Where I know the cause of her night terrors, of her anxiety. She is too small & innocent for this. I feel like I am standing over a cliff & right now, even the slightest wind will push me over the edge. I feel like I have fought so hard that I am just spent. I need a partner, not a roomate. My girl needs a daddy, not a babysitter. I love that man more then anyone I've ever met. I miss him. I miss us. I feel like I can't breathe.

19 Months

How is it possible that 19 months ago today, she was so tiny, & early & new?

This was the happiest, most longed for, scariest day of my life. Right after this picture, she stopped breathing. I think I blacked out until I was in recovery..Anyway..Today, she is our loving, beautiful, 33 3/4 inches, 26lb, walking, running, talking, stubborn, best-thing-we-ever-did toddler. She is a miracle, so much more then we ever could have asked for. I am the luckiest mama because I am HER mama.

PS: Want me to blow your mind? In 5 months..we'll start counting her age in *just* years (as in she'll be TWO years old..That is just crazy to me!!!)

Quick Vent

• My 18mo. old has decided that oh yes she WILL throw tantrums ALL.DAY.LONG. Neat.
• AF is here..I must've ovulated late (don't know since I wasn't tracking, I thought CD 16, apparently NOT). Glad I wasted like $30 on PG tests..Bahahaha. I'm a moron.
• I had forgotten how much of THE.SUCK. goes w/that first period after a miscarriage. Yeah. That mixed w/all day tantrums, Lord give me patience.
• I am pretty sick of seeing PG annoucements. Yep. I'm that bitter woman. I am excited for my friends that have been trying for awhile..but the oops or the "it JUST happened", not so much.
• I'd love to be able to post on FB, where I am getting the "just relax, it'll happen" advice when it comes to Joyner 2.0 Ugh. Guess what, I'm never more relaxed then when the Mister & I are getting it on. Blunt enough?
• My husband thinks that because he is working a lot more then usual that all the house stuff falls to me. So I'm working 30hrs a week + taking care of Miss E on my days off & after work + doing scads of laundry, vaccuming, the overflowing dishes, mopping etc? Hmm. I don't think so. We're gonna have to have a talk. Cause when I was the primary breadwinner & was working 60+hrs every week, I also did my part around the house, so yeah, this isn't gonna work.
• I'm having a hard time keeping my temper in check thanks to the aforementioned things. I need a massage or a spa day or something.
• Okay, must go finish lunch and the dishes & the laundry.

Things I Realize When I Have Insomnia

• I have been blogging for over 5 years. Seriously?! This blog was started right before I met my husband..Amazing. I can't believe I've kept both around for this long. Here's to 5 more (with both even!!)
• Yesterday, I went to the state fair w/my good friend S. She has 3 beautiful children & an amazing husband. Her youngest will turn one in September & his soft baby skin & everything about him made me yearn to hold another little soul. I held him as much as my jealous toddler would let me. My arm almost have a physical ache because I want to hold a baby, another perfect creation again.
• On that note, AF is a no show. She's officially late. I have absolutely no idea when ovulation occurred (if it did at all, I'm pretty sure it did though) so I have no idea how many DPO I am. I Just know that according to my iPeriod app (don't be jealous, lol), I was due to start this morning. I haven't been late, well, since I was PG. But before that, yeah, I was PG w/Elaina. I've had pretty regular, albeit long, cycles. We'll see. I don't really think I'm PG. Only "symptom" would be ravenous hunger & bo.ob pain, but those are also precursors to AF for me. Hopefully I don't have to have the devil Pro.vera. Ugh.
• I love synchronized swimming. It's so pretty, but some of those girls, yikes!! They are a little scary. Also, why doesn't America have a synchro team? Oh and we love the Olympics around here. Pretty sure I've mentioned that, pretty sure I might mention it again. Letting our freak flag fly =)
• As much as I do love the Olympics, I'm SO ready for our "regular" shows to be back on. We've missed Hell's Kitchen, Master Chef & America's Got Talent. Oh, plus next week is SHARK WEEK & the new Gordon Ramsay hotel show. Both will be fantastic I'm sure of it.
• Since the m/c last month, (which, how has it already been a month? I'd be almost through the first trimester, *stab*), my sweet tooth has been OUT OF CONTROL. I have never had an issue w/sweets..I swear I've gained 20lbs in the last 4 weeks. I cannot stop eating Chips A'Hoy cookies & Entenmanns donuts. It's awful. And if I'm not eating sweets, my stomach is a mess. Yes, I see the correlation. Sometimes, all I can keeo down is pita chips or tortilla chips (especially w/Olive.Garden dressing.). Oh, and at some point, every day, for the last 14 days, I've had a migraine. I'm on my 2nd type of migraine medicine. I was taking Max.alt & it was barely touching the pain. Now I'm on Imi.trex, which is 9 pills/30 days=$500. Yeah. Five HUNDRED dollars w/o insurance..With our insurance, it's free, but again, I can only get 9/30 days, & no they aren't controlled. If I'm having a migraine every days, those aren't gonna last long. The Imi.trex takes the edge off so I can function, but today's migraine started at 3AM and is still going strong. My teeth hurt. I have muscle aches from grinding my teeth & trying not to move my head all day. I figured they were "just" hormonal, but here we are w/no sign of AF coming & I'm still having them. Sucks big time.
• We have had MAJOR storms over the last week. It's like the weather is trying to make up for the 3 months of drought we've had. 10 trees have been struck by lightening in my neighborhood & two others have caught on fire. I'm a little concerned because we have a HUGE mimosa tree in our front yard. That would NOT be good news. And there has been so much rain that our ground can't take all of it=massive flooding. Again, ugh.
• I'm addited to Diet Coke & I'm okay w/that.
• I have MASSIVE crock pot meal making skills. Seriously. That should be an Olympic sport, I'd win.
• Okay, finally starting to get tired. Bed calls.

Distraction

I title my post that because, I swear, as I've said eleventy millon other times, I have tried to sit down & write (type?) an update out over & over..But we have a toddler in our house now (who, yay, hit the terrible twos early) and she has taken over the title of "supervisor of everything everyone is doing & don't you try to do it without her." So yeah, updating is a bit sporadic to say the least. Also, DH is working 395504940295930 hours right now because he is working the state fair, and therefore works 11:30 (or noon, or 10:30, we never know) for at least 12 hours. The first day? He worked 17. WTF. So I don't have much time to myself..Also, our sweet, docile, little bubba, is now a sweet, pushy, stubborn, screaming, banshee of a child. And we sometimes have to leave the room to laugh because she is such a drama queen. She throws tantrums like the best of them, but makes sure to lower herself on the ground so she doesn't get hurt before flailing around like a baffoon. She walks (or runs) everywhere she goes, and is now starting potty training (led by her, not us) and dressing herself. Pretty impressive I think. She can get herself up onto almost anything (the bed, the dining room chairs, the side table) and isn't scared of anything (except trains, and ONLY the ones that go by mawmaw & papa's house, the ones that go by our house? no big deal). She is so exasperating & amazing, that I can't help but love her. She is so MEAN to me, and that's a pretty big issue we are having because we do time-out & taking things away, and I do it just like everyone else, and she fights me or is mean to me, but not towards anyone else that "punishes" her. She bites the hell out of me (tore skin off my forearm & left bruises last week) but doesn't do that to anyone else. She hits/smacks/scratches me, and again, no one else. Ugh. Any suggestions on this topic would be fantastic =)

Anyway, I try not to speak only of my daughter or TTC, but that is what this space has become to me. I'm kind of up on current events (Chik.fila, Olympics, drought, anything else?) but at the same time, some of the stuff going on is so heartbreaking or so stupid that I don't want to think about or debate it (especially politics, ugh, there's enough of that on FB). We are letting our Team USA freak flag fly over here, I didn't realize how IN LOVE w/the Olympics my husband is. He'll watch anything. I guess he's not as into the Winter Olympics (since those are the last one's we've seen togehter)..but he'll watch anything. The other night it was like Judo & Men's Water Polo. Yesterday, basketball (which I think is boring when it's NBA teams). Tonight on the docket is table tennis (otherwise known as ping-pong) & I believe springboard. He just loves it, really gets into it. And Miss E loves to dance to the theme song. I downloaded it from Spotify, and when she really gets going, I just set it on repeat and she dances for a good 20 minutes. She's a really good dancer!! The chik.fila thing? Ugh. Did this get blow out of proportion or what? I do NOT agree w/"some" people deciding how "other" people can live their lives. If 2 people are in love & they want to make the commitment to each other & get married, let them. Seriously. I think about how lonely life would be if I wasn't able to marry DH, if someone took that choice away from me. That's not fair or right. On the other hand, the CEO made a comment, to a Christian magazine, that was his OPINION. Do I agree? No. Does it make him a villain? No. Did pro-gay people really think that a place that is closed on Sundays, making a comment to a Christian magazine was gonna have a float in the pride parade? No. I'm all for gay people being able to get married, and I knew that the owner of chik.fila didn't feel the same way, BEFORE he made it common knowledge. There are a lot of people/owners of resteraunts/CEO's of companies/even...bloggers (aack, I know) who feel the same way & just haven't made it public knowledge. I've made it known that I'm a Christian & church & God are a big part of our lives & raising our kids...But I also cuss like a sailor, had sex before I got married, and believe that no one gets to tell someone else who to love or who they can marry.  Just like I don't think the government gets to tell anyone they have to have healthcare, but that's another story for another day.  And the cherry on top? I believe that God is forgiving & loving and I'm going to heaven. Anyway, that's my 2 cents. And the drought? We're still having one. Everything is dead. It hasn't rained in like 39493 weeks, and we haven't had to mow our yard all summer. That about sums it up.

Okay..DH just walked in ( 2 hours earlier then I expected, yay!!) and we have some Olympics to watch..I'll do Miss E's 18mo update post soon (hopefully before she's 19mos). I am reading & following along..