Gatlinburg..again =)

So we FINALLY got the internet & cable in our house..and we are leaving in a few hours..So Im trying to feed the addiction b/f I go w/o internet until Sunday..I know, it's sad. But anyway, DH & Moo are sleeping, we pushed our time back to 2am to leave, so we will arrive at about 9am. It's prime driving time (w/very little traffic) and gives Big E more time to sleep. Work was a bitch today, but I don't care cause I don't have to go back til Monday!! I am so excited to go on this trip..but when we get back, the unpacking FOR REAL begins. It's a madhouse here. But the house is amazing, I've finally started sleeping normal people hours (like 6-8 A NIGHT) and I just love it. Also, there was a double robbery 2 doors down from our old house last night and the police were still there today when E went by to get the mail & turn in our key. So..last time we went to G-Burg, a good bloggy friend got a BFP..Im hoping the same happens this time..It'd be like Gatlinburg is a good luck charm!! Okay.. I MUST go get some sleep..We'll be back Sunday..Love you all!!!

Home

So just a quick post..We still don't have internet at the new house, so I got to work early today so I could feed my facebook addiction and check in on everyone..The new house, is, in a word, lovely!! I left at 7:00am this morning (and it's still dark at that time here in the good ol midwest). I felt 100% safe. I am still nervous about those times that DH will have to work the overnight shift or the late shift, but seriously, I was having so many panic attacks last week and weekend, if we hadn't moved, I would've have had to go stay w/my parents. It was that bad. The last two nights, Im not sure if it's the complete exhaustion or the fact that I finally feel safe or a mixture of both, but I've slept from 10:30-7:00 Sunday night and 11:00-6:30 last night..OMG!!! Amazing..I feel sleepy this morning because the dog was like a small child in that she DID NOT want to stay on the bed asleep, and finally completely fell asleep at 3am. RAD!! Anyway, I must get some work done. Hopefully the Comcast people come by today and we get our internet and tv. Miss you all!!

The Night Before

I just have to get this out so it's in my history...


At this moment I am feeling anxious, nervous, sick to my stomach and sad. I know that we need to leave. I know it's unsafe and I know our new house is safe and my sleeping and behavior will change dramatically. But I don't know how were gonna get all this sh*t out of the house, how we are gonna find the clothes we need to pack for vacation. I've had 2 meltdowns. I've been on the verge of tears all day. I don't know what my deal is. Im sad to be leaving, we have so many memories here. I thought we'd be here til we bought our house. That we'd have at least 1 baby here. We have no live babies, we have 4 angel babies. We seperated in this house, and still, even now, thinking about loose my husband makes me loose my breath. We came back together in this house. We got Allie in this house. We've made love in every room in this house. But we fought, A LOT in this house. We cried unhappy tears, we we're on the verge of divorce, I was carjacked at gunpoint here, both of our cars have been broken into, I've been followed into the neighborhood, DH has had to wait outside for me whenever I come home, I don't like be alone in my own home, Im scared all the time, I never sleep. I am ready for this new step we are taking. Im SO more then ready to turn that humongous 2nd bedroom into a nursery. I feel like we have lost a lot in this house, but we had to go through it to be where we are now. I love my husband more now then I ever have and I am so ready to make this move with him..Im so ready to make him a daddy. Please Lord, let it be now. Thank you all for listening these last few months. I know it's been mainly bitching posts. Im so ready for happy posts..Thank you again!!

24 Hours

In 24 hours, we should have the moving van and the movers should be here..OMG..So Im sittng here blogging instead of packing!! Awesome!! We've got the majority of stuff boxed (granted, it's just all thrown in togehter, NEVER again will we wait til the last minute to pack!!). At least this time last year we had an excuse, we were in the final, last minute stages of planning a wedding..Yes readers..you read that right, we've almost made it to the one year..It's a week from tomorow!!! I cannot believe it..We'll be high in the mountains. Well, we'll actually be driving home =( but you know what I mean. Anyway, had a minor freak-out last night..Didn't think everything was gonna get packed and done, so I had a sob-fest, then made some soup (all at 2am) and was okay. My DH thinks Im crazy, but you'll have that. I had HORRIBLE nightmares..one in which we were at the cabin in G-Burg and there is a wraparound porch, and Moo fell through the slats and died..OMG..I woke up in a cold sweat, crying, panicking. It was awful!! My DH reminded me, when I told him that the patio slats are very, very small and the part overlooking the drop is completely covered, there's no way she could fall unless she jumped through the screen. But STILL..it was so real and now when we are there, Im gonna have to have her w/in eyesight at all times. Ugh, that was bad news. So I woke up at 7, was still exhausted since we stayed up til 2am (waaay past our bedtime, lol) tried to go back to sleep, but the anxiety was giving me stomach pain, so up we are. Im just ready to get everything loaded and to the new house. I don't care if it takes months to organize all of it, thats fine. Lets just get moved!! So thats what Im off to do. DH, has been SUCH a trooper. Putting up w/my bitchy, clingyness. I bet he'll be glad when he gets here because Im so scared here that whenever he goes out of earshot, I want to know where he is. Like we are living in some mansion. I know, that sounds crazy, but seriously, he makes me feel safe, and I KNOW when we move, I'll be okay. I'll be okay to be alone again, I'll be okay to not be RIGHT near him. Another reason why we have to move. This clingyness=not cute. Okay, DH just asked if Im read to "hit this sh*t" so I better go. Wish us luck..And if you don't hear from me til tomorrow..Don't worry, the internet & CABLE doesn't kick in til Monday..UGHH..Withdrawal is already beginning =) Love you all!!

Im Such a Jerkface

So I'd like to apologize to the following people because I have been in that down mood, that ugh, f*ck me place...

1. This girl: She's been my rock in the hard place..I've been a HUGE jerk and she STILL has supported me..Seriously..I couldn't ask for more.
2. My husband: DH, Im sorry. I just..I don't know. You're the best. Amazing, wonderful, supportive, make me laugh til I pee, type of guy. Lucky me =)
3. My Co-Workers: Not ALL of them, because a certain few deserved the harsh words they received this week. Don't try and compare your petty issues to my FOUR miscarriages. Yes I am bitter, and angry. Yes STILL (a whole 6 weeks after the last one). Kiss my ass. The rest of you that make me laugh..thank you.
4. My family..Ugh, I was just a wreck the last time I saw them. They are so supportive and I am so lucky.

I may have news..But keeping it on the DL right..I'd love some prayers, if I can be that selfish. Thank you =)

My Projects

So Im sitting in bed watching Will & Grace & Allie alerts (lets us know something is going on). The only other time she has done this is when the bad guys came back and broke into DH's car. So I run into the guest room and hear this like lawnmower noise and then see what look likes 2 bright lights shining into the master bedroom. So the dog & I run back in, and WHY are there THREE police helicopters circling our area and shining lights in the backyards. What.The.F*ck. Am I living in Compton, the Projects of Chicago?!?!?!? My God in heaven. I am freaking out!! I can currently still hear them flying over our house....How many more days til we move!?

Holding Her Close

This is pretty hard to type....my friend C was admitted to the psych ward on 24-48 hour suicide watch..Have to talk her out of driving her car into a building with her son in it, scared me. Not being able to run to her made me scared. I know it's not about me, but I really would rather not do that ever again. I am holding her tightly in my heart tonight, because admitting herself, is the HARDEST step she will ever take..But she finally realized that right now she is being a bad mom, but dead, she is no mom. Please..think of her, pray for her, send good thoughts for her. My heart is broken for her, but I am so glad that we got to her before she was gone. C, I love you. You are doing the right thing!!

Packing Is A Bitch

Seriously..Where did all of this shit come from!?..We have a room full of stuff I have just pulled out of ONE of our closets..and the room looks like Target exploded all over it. The bed is covered and it's a miracle we can still see this desk or the computer. I have not a clue where all of it is gonna go. I did not realize we had accumulated all this stuff over 1 year. Oh yeah, I was also gonna add that we are moving into our new place on the same day we moved in here :) Also, Im kind of sad to be leaving. I mean, I KNOW it's not safe, and I can't sleep here etc. But when we moved in, it was really nice, we had cool neighbors, lots of kids in the neighborhood. We were gonna make the 2nd bedroom a nursery (bahahaha) and the next we moved it would be to a house. It just makes me sad. This was supposed to be the place we stayed for awhile. Not to mention, I've been dreading packing and moving since we decided we had to back in August. But I am 100% excited about moving to the new place. It's gorgeous, it's safe, and I love it. But still..wah.

Okay...break time is over. I'll post more tonight when we are closer to being done <--what a lie. LOL!!

PS: I just did a new Wordle (check the left sidebar) and my most used words are pregnant, boobies, and f*cking..lol

And Now For My 430th Post..More Funnies:)

Mindf*ck Take 2

Adding to the boobies, looking like a bloatation device, late period, please add nausea after every meal, digestive disturbances. Also, I never get queasy over anything...and I could NOT watch CSI or the animal planet..WTF!?

Oh Whatever

How do you not know your 30 weeks pregnant w/TWINS!?!?!? WTF!?!? So ridiculous. Im sorry, I don't believe the majority of these "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" stories. Seriously?! And most of these couples prove their not TTC. I mean, Im a week late and I pee on sticks religiously..Whatever. Stupid, dumb, idiotic. <--Could also describe me since Im watching these shows.

Also, remember me telling you about the SIL & the boyfriend..Yeah so there is a pretty good chance she is PG. Fucking awesome. She has been on antibiotics for the last 4 weeks, which we all know decreases the adequacy of birth control. She has a mild case of PCOS, so she already is under doctor's care. She see's her doc to go off BC and get her body "ready" for pregnancy (if she isn't already) on Friday. Rad. Neat. She'll prolly not know she's pregnant and have twins.

Yep. Im bitter. And late. And feeling crazy. Symptoms? Sore boobies, bloating, headache, etc. Basically, the same symptoms as periods. Mindfucks are a few of my least favorite things...

Quick One

• Moo is totally rockin recovery!! Tammy says the "high" of the prescription cough med is working, not so much the "sleeping" part. Moo was ready to go to school TODAY, even though she can't eat anything hard, just pudding, ice cream ,oatmeal. BAHAHA!! She's gonna try to keep her home all week, let me know how that goes ;)
• Completely forgot to call the RE today..I know..but we had so much stuff going on, such as we signed on the dotted line for our new place!! We move in 09-29!!! Umm, where the F is all of our stuff gonna go?! Movers are SO expensive. Who's gonna pack all this crap? Where is that maid when you need her?! But it's gorgeous..Look back to the beginning of the month to see pics..Expensive, but worth not being scared to be in my own house & NOT sleeping..Ugh...it has got to stop!!
• On that note, someone was in E's car last night/this morning. Now they are just fucking w/us because they.have.the.key!! Just take it already. The doors were wide open and the inside was ransacked..But they didn't take the GPS that my brilliant *hid* under the passenger seat. COMPLETE FUCKERY!!!

Bed now, cause it's 12:36 AM.

Go, Fight, Win

So the first regular season Colts game is today..and we are like 2 minutes into it and Anthony Gonzalez (my mom's NFL boyfriend) is hurt..Brrrnt..Anyway..I got a new jersey today (my first Colts jersey..aww) and now I want to get Allie a jersey and get a Colts background for my blogger..Does anyone know how I can do this!? If so, you better tell me :)

Also, let me tell you about the new BFF, Melissa. She is pretty effin rad and through the joys of FB messenger & massive amounts of text messaging (seriously, like 160 in 2 days) I've come to know a kindred spirit. We are so alike it is ridiculous. Run on over to her blog and leave encouragment, there's a few things goin on that Im sure she could use some support with.

Okay, must focus on the game..:)


*Update* Colts win!! 14-12, the last TD was the best part of the game.. Also, how hard does the new layout rock?!

Whew

Yesterday was a highly draining day..What is it about spending the day in the hospital that just drains you? Is it the anxiety? The anticipation? I don't know. I just know that I got there at 1:30 and didn't get home til close to 10pm. I will tell you, seeing Moo in recovery about tore my heart out of my body. I would have taken her place in a heart beat. The whole story is in the bullets.. :)

• So she wasn't allowed to eat or drink after 6am..Which is waaay better then having to wait from 12am to surgery time. Surgery was supposed to begin at 2:30, they didn't start til closer to 4:00. The nurse asked Tammy if she wanted to give her Versed, which she deferred to me and I gave a hearty hell yes. Versed is like a mind eraser and therefore Moo wouldn't remember anything after she got it (like getting the IV or going into the operating room) which I think would be better then anything else. Also, they kept asking me questions because they thought I was momma (which was gratifying, but sad at the same time) and I imm. corrected them and told them Tammy was grandma. We got weird looks, but whatever. Rod basically stayed out of the room cause he couldn't handle it. So they took her back about 3:30 and surgery started at 4:00. They had to extract 3 teeth and cap 6..My god..Tammy was surprised and I didn't make any comments, but I did ask about dietary restrictions etc and apparently, not only was it from the cocaine use of her mom while she was PG, but FRUIT SNACKS!! I never even thought of that, but DUH. Fruit snacks are like sugar that sticks to your teeth. So no more fruit snacks for her, but Rod admitted that they eat Dilly bars, 1-2 every night!! He does NOT know how to say no, he even admitted that. I feel like this should teach him, but it probably won't. She came completely out of surgery at 7:30 and let me tell you about her recovery nurse..OMG. So she had been out of surgery for like 27 seconds, BARELY out of anesthesia, and she tried to force her to take some medicine..I was like..you know her throat & mouth ar RAW, she doesn't know where she is, she doesn't see me or her papaw or mamaw and you want to FORCE her to take meds!? We got in there and she was hysterical!! Sobbing, gaspng for breath, it was awful. I wanted to punch that nurse in the nose. Seriously..If punching someone out wasn't a felony...But we went to the overnight unit and she gradually got better..She only wanted me to give her the water (out of a syringe no less) and let me give her her Tylenol 3 so she could sleep. Tammy called me this AM and said she was released aroun 11am, at some chocolate pudding and ice cream and I could hear her (scratchily) talking in the background. So she is doing okay and Im gonna go visit her this week:)
• MFM Specialist: Basically, a worthless appointment. I could have told you I needed to see an RE, but my doctor, being the tool-bag that she is, sent me to MFM, which is basically genetics counselor, which we don't need yet (and hopefully, we won't). They just did a basic history and said "call Midwest Fertility and make an appt. w/the RE." DUH!! But at least it's moving in the right direction.

Okay..Im getting a headache, Im hungry and I hear the dumb dog playing w/a plastic bag in the other room...Later :)

Tomorrow..

Tomorrow is a great big ol day..and I am SO nervous. Tomorrow, I have my MFM appointment at 11:00 and then Moo's surgery is at 2:30pm at Riley Hospital. I am *almost* more nervous about my appointment...Almost. I don't know why. Anything the doctor tells me has to be better then what we are doing now, which is NOTHING. Im so ready to move in the direction of babyland.

Moo's surgery is scheduled to start at 2:30pm. We all have to be there by 1:00pm. The surgery itself will take 2.5-3 hours, then she's in recovery for 1-2 hours and then there is a room reserved for her. Hopefully the free parking isn't full. The complex where Riley is has FOUR hospitals..IU Medical Center, Wishard Hospital & Trauma Center, Riley Hospital & Methodist Hospital. So needless to say, parking is a b*tch and not cheap. Im nervous for her because part of her surgery is the tooth extraction ( I think they are taking out 6) and they are going to check and see if she has damage to her jaw and permenant teeth. Since she was born addicted to cocaine, during the vital part of pregnancy, when things were forming, the cocaine may have destroyed her jaw bone and perm. teeth. Im hoping that once they take the baby teeth, thats the end, that she doesnt have to worry about going through any more procedures. Jeez, I wish her mom hadn't been such an asshat.

In regards to the MFM visit, Im nervous because of the "what if's" and the fact the Im a worse-case-scenario type of person. What if we can't have bio kids, what if I need surgery, what if, what if, what if. UGHH!! When does it stop? I really don't think I will stop worrying until I have a living, breathing baby in my arms. I don't want false promises tomorrow, I just want support.

Oh and go visit my precious Melissa (that sounds like Lord of the Rings...Myyyy preshus!!). She got a very out of nowhere and very surprising text today..I don't know that she needs advice so much as she needs support, and bloggy love. We discovered last night, that we are too similar for words..It's crazy. She's like the bloggy sister I never had..Aww..So I said all that to say this. GO VISIT HER!!!

PS: We're are 10DPO. Symptoms (mindf*cks): sore, stabbing booby pain, massive, ehem, digestive issues, migraines, back/hip pain, exhaustion, but not being able to sleep<--is that a symptom? Lol..Anyway, Im not testing right now, I just can't put myself through it. Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst. Always optimistic, thats me.

09-09-09

Had to post today given the date..and oh shit, I just realized it's after 12am here so it's gonna post on 09-10-09. Shitty. So I saw my PCP yesterday due to the 8day h/a, but she is batshit bonkers and FOR REAL, that is the last time I will see her..I promise!! I just had to see her cause I haven't had time to find a new PCP. I see the MFM Specialist Friday at 11am & Moo has surgery that day as well. Im 100% nervous for her. I know it's just normal procedures (tonsilectomy/adenoidectomy & tooth extractions) but she is my babeh!! What if something happens..I don't know what I would do. So anyway, thats what thats all about. Oh, and Melissa..you rock the absolute hardest. Seriously. Duuude.

Vomitous

Seeing people on FB annoucing their 2nd (or 3rd, or 4th, or 5th) pregnancy makes me nauseaus. Seriously. It makes my stomach twist into a knot in my stomach. I just had to mention that. I don't usually have this visceral of a reaction to it. But I saw two "maybe" and one "definite" pregnancies tonight and I literally am on the verge of the vomits. I've got to get over this!!

Back From The Brink

So yesterday the migraine kind-of went away, but it's taken 2 Excedrin's & a Darvocet every 3.5 hours to keep it at bay..and because of the all the tylenol, I now have a permenant stomach-ache. Yes, I am calling the doc tomorrow. Hopefully she can call in some Maxxalt (it's $60 for 6 pills, but they work like magic). I *hope* this is all hormonal and there is a baby burrowing in. We'll see in 9 days or whatever the counter on the sidebar says (and no, Im not "keeping track" cause I would drive myself crazy).

Thinking of sidebar crap, do you see the score from the Colts/Bengals game!!? Did the Colts even show up?? I know everyone says it's "just" pre-season..But daaaaaamn, they suck. They got beat by the Detroit Lions as well. My goodness. I hope Jim Caldwell can get the team in shape b/f 09-13 (the first home, regular season game)..otherwise, we're screwed.

So today I felt well enough to go to my MIL's for a cook-out (Im sad cause my side of the family got together yesterday and I was to sick to go. Suck.) Anyway, my SIL was there (the one who, if you read back has, at one point, had 3 bf's at one time, engaged to one, sleeping w/one, living w/one, I KNOW). Now she is w/this guy she dated back when she was 16 (star-crossed lovers, fate, meant to be, heard all of those cliches today)..and they are trying to have a baby (AWESOME) and are planning a wedding next year (and no, they aren't "officially" engaged). Tell me this isn't f*cked up. He wants to get married next year, shew wants to get engaged next year. Im thinking maybe this is a conversation they should have before he proposes!? They are going to Gatlinburg the same weekend we are going, I bet you $2.68 that he proposes then. She makes me ill sometimes. Like she *thought* she was PG over the weekend because she was peeing a lot..What the...And I realize, I will never have the uninhibited joy of seeing 2 lines on a pee test like she will. You can never understand the fear that comes w/seeing 2 lines unless you have lived through even 1 miscarriage (and not a pity-party for myself, but living through 4, I barely get excited at 2 lines, isn't that horrible?!) I will never again prance around talking about how we are TTC or how we are hoping to get PG quickly..Or put it in someone's face that Im pg...cause you never know what someone is going through. And she is someone that completely will throw it in my face when she does get knocked up. She is extraordinarily egocentric. It is All.About.Her....ALWAYS. Im not a SIL hater mind you, my hub (her bro) thinks the same thing. And this is the person that sent me godawful hate (e) mail while we were going through our seperation. She acted like I wasn't even there today. I was like the odd person out. It was very uncomfortable. Im sure that didn't help the h/a & tummy ache situation. Anyway, I expect a pg annoucement from them w/in the next few months. Can't wait for that.

Okay, thats all for now. The stomach is really hurting (and all I want to eat is ck mcnuggets) so Im off to bed, maybe a little SIMS 3 (yep I got it :)!!)

Migraine

So I've had one migraine a day since Tuesday..Usually Excedrin Migraine takes care of it, but I woke up w/one yesterday at 10am (it is now 11:40am, the NEXT day) and I still have it. Last night, the pain was so great I was nauseated and I had photosensitivity..It was AWFUL. I should've gone to the immediate care center, but I didn't have anyone to drive me and the meds they give you, you have to have a driver. My mom offered to take me, but I called the center and they said t was like a 40 minute wait to be seen. So I just suffered through the night. It got worse by the minute from 6pm on, it was so bad that my boy wouldn't even sleep. I took an Ambien around 1am and Big E picked up some the Excedrin on the way home from work. It worked like a miracle. Im still having some photosensitivity, and the headache is still there, but it's right behind my eyes and Im trying to keep it at bay by taking the meds every 3-4 hours. I took about 5 darvocets last night and felt like they were actually making it worse. If I don't feel better by the time Big E gets home Im gonna have him take me to the immediate care so I can get the migraine shot. I can't remember whats in it, but I know it works..So Im headed back to sleep..dealing w/a 25 hour migraine blows.

I Get So Emotional Baby

Things that made me cry/tear up today:

• Morning text message from the hub
• Reading that ANOTHER friend is PG
• KL telling me that her husband made it successfully through his surgery
• Watching the episode of Sex & The City where Aiden & Carrie break up
• Watching another episode of SATC where Samantha has breast cancer & Miranda & Steve get married
• Seeing a patient that found out she was pregnant (back in December) at the same time I did..She had her baby on my EDD and brought him into work..He was adorable..and it was like being stabbed repeatedly..Awesome

Does my mind WILDY think..oooo maybe Im pregnant? I don't think you get emotional during the 2ww. I think it takes awhile. But I remember being super emotional during the last ones, but I don't remember when it kicked in. Yes, we are in the 2WW, yes I am being completely pessimistic, as always. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. If you are already prepping for the worst, anything good is a bonus, right? Anyway, thats all for now. Let me go watch some more tv and cry about it..Grr

If I Don't Get This Out, I'll Explode

I have to make this short & sweet because Im so pissed I can barely think straight....

• The Good: My carjacker CONFESSED to the POLICE
• The Bad: He's a minor, so the punishment will not be life in prison as I think it should be.
• The Ugly: Verbatim from the officer " No pressure, but if you don't pick this person out of a line up, we have to let him go."

WHAT. THE. FUCK. In ANY other crime, a confession would be enough!! A rape, a homocide, if he had shot me, if he had hurt me in any way, a confession would have been enough. Now, if I don't recognize him, he walks and I still have to move. Because of his almighty fuck-up, I am being punished. Because he is a fucking moron, Im scare to stay alone in my house. I am so angry I feel like I could vomit. A confession, CONFESSION, is not enough for him to go to kiddie jail. I have never EVER thought the police could fail like this. My husband and my father both are stunned (they are both cops). I feel like I need to scream, to cry, to laugh because I feel crazy, because I feel violated, and hurt and fucking fed up!!