Happenings

I feel like I really need to post more..but we have been so busy lately and when I get home from work I'm so tired..Anyway, here's an update as to the goings on at our house..In my favorite bullet formation =)

• Elaina is 10 months old (well 10 months and 3 days, but who's counting?) I cannot believe that she will be 1 in a matter of less then 2 months. It seems like just yesterday we found out she was expecting, that she was a girl, that she was here, 5 weeks early. I was re-reading her birth story, and there are so many little details that I didn't even add. I may have to review it for her birthday..But one that really stood out? Directly after her birth, I don't remember ANYTHING. Until they wheeled me into the NICU to see her, and then nothing until I woke up 2 hours later in the L&D recovery room. Hmm..Like I don't remember being stitched back up at all. I kind of remember DH's dad & step-mom coming, but not much else. Why that occured to me today, I do not know. But I distinctly remember the combo of absolute fear for her being in the NICU and absolute joy that she was here, that I was a momma.
• I am TERRIFIED that I will not be able to make her a big sister. Last month we had the combo of double positive ovulation tests and faint FRER's w/the add on of a negative beta on CD 28. This month, I got what I do believe is a positive OPK on CD14, and I've been testing each day since then, and they are only slightly lighter. I am so scared there is is cyst or something and that we will have even more set backs. I know Dr. J only gets invasive when the non-invasive stuff doesn't seem to be working, but I just wish I was being followed more closely. Like when I call and let them know my cycles have been super long or my LP has been super short, or that I had 2 positive OPK's last month, I feel like I should be getting more of a response. We go back for our follow up on the 13th of December, and I know, if I'm not pregnant by then, he'll want to start Femara. Ugh. Also, my SIL is seeing him, and she met w/him Monday to discuss her next plan, and he told her that half of the stuff she was discussing with him, he had NO IDEA about it. In other words, his nurses are NOT telling him when she is calling, when she is having issues, when her cycles are being wacky. And becuase of this, it may be why this last cycle didn't work. The nurses have also told her that "most of the time" they consult w/him (Dr. J) about her treatment..MOST of the time?!?!? No. that will not work for me. We will go elsewhere if that is the case. Dr. J gave her his personal email, and I am going to request the same. I don't know that I can handle any more miscarriages (especially not multiple ones) and after 2 "tries" w/the drugs, we will be paying OOP (at the tune of $1200+ per cycle) so we can't have people not consulting w/him. I just feel like I don't want to go anywhere else, but at the same time, patient care needs to be of the upmost importance.
• We got our first accumulating snow of the season tonight. It was so weird. It varied from area to area. Like, my parents literally live 10 minutes south of us, and they got 2 inches of snow. We have maybe an inch, but we have at least an inch of ice. Up north, they got about 6 inches, but no ice. And then at my work, about 20 minutes away from our house, they got 2-3 inches of snow AND ice. Indiana, the bi-polar weather state. Oh and it was SO cold, and windy, just bitter. But, Lulu loved it!! She kept opening her mouth and trying to eat the ice/sleet/snow mixture, and then would shiver when she did get some of it in her mouth. Also, another snow lover, Miss Allison, loved being out in the big backyard frollicking, until her royal prissiness realized she was wet. Silly dog.
• So remember that last fall, 4 of us cousins were pregnant together? Well the cousin, SH, who had a baby last November, is pregnant again, due in May. And last time they had to use IVF to get pregnant..This time, it was a happy accident..and she is already complaining about her body and how she can't wait to have it back and how could she forget how terrible morning sickness is, etc. So guess how much I want to see her at the family reunion in 2 weeks. If you guessed "not at all" you would be 100% correct. I don't know how any infertile can feel that way about being pregnant. I distinctly remember how uncomfortable giving myself daily injections were. How swollen I was from them. I remember the how awful the PUPP rash was, and how I was so, SO swollen the last 6 weeks. And you know what? I am so SO ready to do it all over again. I absolutely LOVED being pregnant. I felt so lucky, so blessed. It was a wonderful time, and I am so hopeful that God decides to bless us again. For her to complain, especially when she knows we are dealing w/secondary infertility now, it just kills me. I just want to smack her.
• Is this rambling enough? Just wanted to make sure you are paying attention. I think I am finally getting sleepy and "Parenthood" (the show) is calling my name..Thanks for listening and I promise to try and do better at updating, and not just random stuff like this all the time.

Happy Thanksgiving

I think I'll stand up and try to walk!!

We are so thankful for all the amazing things that God has brought to our lives this year..DH's dream job, our amazing new house, love from family & friends..But most of all..our miracle, long awaited, loved from the moment the "+" showed up on the test, NICU survivor baby girl..We could not be more blessed!!! 

29

 

 This morning I woke up and started the last year of my 20's. It seems bittersweet. I can't believe this time period is almost over. I can't believe I'll be 30(!!) next year. Do you remember when 30 seemed so old? I do. I don't know how 29 can top 28 since 28 brought me our daughter. But I think it holds a lot of promise. This year will be the year that our daughter turns one. She is coming into her own so much. She is so much fun. This year will hopefully bring us another baby, or at least another healthy (and full term) pregnancy. DH & I will mark 5 years of being together in May & 4 years of marriage in October. My parents will celebrate 40 (!!) years of marriage next December. I hope that in my 29th year, I get to become an Aunt. My SIL & BIL are really getting to see the raw side of infertility. I hope that changes very soon. I really feel hopeful and excited. I don't fear being on the downside of my 20's anymore. I feel like this year I have really grown up. I feel that DH & I have really strengthened our marriage. We know that if we can survive 24 weeks apart and our baby being in the NICU, we can survive anything. I'm really excited to see what this year has in store!!

Why Don't Doctors Listen?!

Firstly, thank you all for your kind words & loving thoughts regarding DH. I think he is handling okay..Or as okay as can be possible in that kind of situation. I listen when he wants to talk, and I let him be when he doesn't. He seems like himself to me.

Now, let me just start by saying, I think that the people know their bodies better then anyone else. I think women, ESPECIALLY women who are TTC or whom have experienced infertility know their bodies better then ANYONE else. Therefore, I know my body. End of story. When I told our RE in September that I was experiencing long cycles and gradually DECREASING luteal phases, he should have done something. Maybe bloodwork? Maybe an u/s. IDK. But SOMETHING. So this cycle has been a complete clusterf*ck. I had two positive ovulation tests, 2 faint BFP's, a negative beta, a 10 day LP, and now, a very light, very odd AF. What.The.Hell? I feel like if we would have addressed the LP issue back in September, then we might know what is going on. From my reading, a pregnancy cannot be carried to term if the LP is 10 days or less. Oh good. That's great news, especially w/my already spectacular history of recurrent miscarriages. So I called the office today and his nurse told me that if things hadn't picked up and become a normal AF for me, then I had to go in for more bloodwork on Thursday. Oh, so basically the last few months have been a wash? I've wasted at least $50 or more a month on OPK's and PG tests for nothing? Yeah, that sounds about like where we were before we had Baby E. Part of me hopes that things do "pick up" because I'm supposed to start the o tests on Friday, but another part of me wants blood work because I just know that there is a luteal phase issue and I want it figured out. Maybe the bloodwork will show a rising suprise beta..BAHAHAA. Ah, that even made me laugh. We'll see how it goes.

Being a policeman's wife

Days like early this morning, when DH got home are what I fear. I was so SO  angry at him for staying out doing overtime until 4:30AM since I don't sleep when he is gone. The baby had been in rare form (up 3x by then, for no apparent reason other then to scream) and I was EXHAUSTED. I barged in on him changing out of his uniform, only to realize..he was silently sobbing. The quickest prayer I've ever prayed went up "Lord, give me ears to listen and let the right, comforting words leave my mouth." He turned to me and said "I just saw a little 10 month old girl die." All of my anger deflated in an instant. There is no training for this. There is no advice that can be given. I asked him to come in our room and tell me about it. He told me he got the call around 3AM, on his way home. When he got there, the scene was brutal. A drunken mom had driven into the retaining wall at high rates of speed. She was severly intoxicated, and had not strapped her baby into a carseat of any kind. My husband found her little body, 20 feet from the car. He said all he could see was Elaina's face. The mom was in hysterics, mostly because of the alcohol, only partially because she had just killed her little girl. E said he could only stay for about 20 minutes before the sobs took him over and he had to leave. He drove around for almost 2 hours because he was in such a state of shock and sadness. I told him I wished he had come home. He told me he knew he should be "strong". I told him no one in their right mind could be in that situation. We talked and talked, and I brought Elaina to our bed, just so he could hold her, to see her, to know that she was okay. He said he was so thankful that he didn't have to worry about me ever doing anything like that to our baby. That he was so lucky to have a wife like me who loves his daughter so fiercely. He was so angry. He said he hoped he never had to see that again..I told him I hoped he was that lucky. I really wanted him to go to church this morning so he could talk to my dad, who in his 35+ years of police work has seen more then his fare share of child deaths, as he was the chief accident fatality director for many years. But..I gave DH a sleeping pill, that hasn't exactly worn off yet. He slept like a baby. I had nightmares of the worst kind, and probably will for days. This is why my husband & my dad are my heroes. Because he will go back to a thankless job tomorrow, even after knowing the evil that is in people today. And he will love it. And he will treat everyone he comes into contact with, with respect and dignity. I just hope that I said enough. That I supported him enough. I love him so much.

Thursday to Today

So after those tests, I pretty much tested all weekend, getting varying shades of positive results. None that were too helpful. Because of the double positive O tests, I called Dr. J yesterday (after putting it off for a few days) and got my blood drawn today. I really wasn't expecting miracles, but that stupid little twinge of hope got the better of me, and after getting the "it's negative" phone call, I've been in a funk all day. The only difference this time around is that I haven't had any kid of surgery. I seem to be ovulating on my own, and besides having extra long cycles, I don't know what the issue is. I'm taking my Glu.metza regularly and we are having "you know what" as often as possible. But Dr. J said to just go about our business and if I'm not pregnant by our follow up visit (on 12/13/11) then we'll go from there. Any ideas as to what we can do? Probably "timed intercourse" but beyond that? Especially since ovulation hasn't been the problem this time around. Anyway, I said that to say this, I'm not pregnant, or maybe I was and it was "chemical" who knows. I'm back in the land of being terrified that we'll never conceive again, or that I won't be able to stay pregnant. I hate this TTC Land.

Maybe?

So I don't know what to think. I hope you don't all think I'm crazy..But I swear I see something..I have no idea how many DPO I am, my FF says 7dpo, I think I may have ovulated early though..Maybe I have "line eye" and I'm just hoping what I'm seeeing is true..