5 Months Old

I love turkey dinner!!

Getting ready for a bath, sittin in my Bumbo

Such a big girl, reading my books

Some Good, Some Bad

Thank you all SO, so much for your love, prayers and support. It really means the world to me. Much more then I could ever say. I am so glad I found this blog community. You ladies have supported me sometimes more then friends or family. You are all amazing. Thank you again.

Being this poor has forced us to really look at our finances and for my DH to admit that I'm better w/money & bills then he is. It took a lot for him to admit this, being the "man of the house" and all. But his pride was getting in the way of us getting back on top. So, I've taken the reigns back and we're getting our sh*t together. We have less then $50 til next Friday so we'll see how that goes. I once made $52 last 2 weeks, so I should be able to do this. It helps that DH now has his police car that he can drive everywhere, and we don't have to pay for the gas. And it's also a semi-blessing that I'm only working 2-3 days a week, and therefore, don't have to drive to work, and then my parents (who are watching baby-boo) and then back home (about 90 minutes total) and that saves on gas as well. But still, we have to be SO, so careful. We are planning to go on vacation in September and if we don't get it together, we can kiss that dream goodbye. I plan on pinching every penny and have become a coupon maven. We haven't been buying any extras, just "needs" and trying to pay the bills in as timely a manner as possible. This is just a sucky place to be. Seriously. I can't wait until we are back on top. I don't ever want to be here again.

I had a "normal" 5 day flow, so I should be ovulating late next week. This little app I have on my iGoogle says the big day is July 1st, so we'll shall see. I've never been a fan of checking the position of my cervix (ugh, it makes me gag almost to put a tamp.on in, so yeah, not for me) and I've never noticed the cervi.cal mucus either. I've never really had an ovulation symptoms. I'm kind of watching for some now, but I don't expect to have any since I didn't even know my "o" date w/Lulu. We'll see how it goes.

In a tragic accident, my brother-in-laws dad & stepmom were killed last Friday. They were both big motorcyclists, and rode w/their local American Legion. They were riding right by our house, at a high rate of speed, when they collided w/a box truck. Both were killed instantly. The funeral was Wednesday at noon and it was beautiful, really moving, and a lot of people were there to honor the 2 of them. Because there were 3 generations of firemen (C, his dad, and his grandpa), C brought his dad's ashes on the firetruck that he rode on for 18 years. It was so moving, so emotional. It was the first time that L had seen him in his dress uniform. And it was so sad because only 2 years ago did C & his dad start repairing their relationship. They hadn't spoken to or seen each other in over 20 years. So it was especially hard on C, knowing that his dad will never know their kids, or know more about the life he missed when C was growing up. There was a nice lunch & memorial at the Legion, and C & L got to spend some time w/Lulu. Yes, we took her to a funeral, and before anyone get's judgy, she's (almost) 5 months old. She's not gonna remember and she slept through it anyway. And for some reason, E's (and Lindsey's) dad & that lady he married showed up w/one her kids. Can they go anywhere w/o one of her daughters tagging along!? Seriously. So of course, she made everything about her, even though we were at a FUNERAL. She kept referring to herself as "grandma" which she COMPLETELY is not, and  I in turn, referred to her by her first name "Z" when talking to the baby, she was not a fan, and I did not care. Now, his dad & Z know that L & C are having trouble conceiving and are seeing a specialist. L specifically asked her dad NOT to bring up babies or anything because it is a sore spot. So what does Z do? She says, to L, right after the service "oh I just love grandchildren, you two should get busy, I need more babies". Insert stunned silence. I just grabber L's hand and she squeezed it so hard that it almost broke. She just said "we are trying." I told her she should have grabbed C and just started going at it, just to prove a point. She laughed. Also, I had to keep grinding my teeth because our children (mine and L&C's) will NEVER be her grandchildren. EVER. Their dad is her pop-pop, but Z is nothing. She's Z. Oh, and at the luncheon afterwards, Z was holding Lulu (yes, I let her hold her and my head didn't explode when she did) she said "well grandma got you some cute overalls from Carthart." W/o thinking, I said "is my mom here? Oh, you were referring to yourself." Ooops. My mom is grandma, E's mom is Nana, Z is nothing, Just Z. And you could tell she was pissed. Oh well. So she made things pretty uncomfortable, but we ignored her most of the time. Oh, and I think L is pregnant. She just had that "glow". Plus, I've had 4 dreams about her being pg (w/TWINS!!) and sometimes, those dreams have proven to be right. We'll find out next week.

Okay, time to get ready to go to my parents house. We go there every Friday for some Papa Murphys pizza and tonight DH is gonna stop by during his shift so my mom can see his police car and have some pizza w/us. Have a wonderful weekend!!

Prayer

I believe in the power of prayer, and right now, we need it so much. I don't really like asking for people to pray for us, because prayer is such a personal act, but today, I don't have anywhere else to go. Before you think the worst, I am okay, DH is okay, and Lulu is okay. I also don't usually like letting everyone know our business, but in this case, it's necessary.

I was told by Aflac that I would be paid to take 12 weeks of maternity leave. My agent flat out lied. I was only paid for 6 weeks. I did not know this at the time. So I went with only 70% of my pay + 6 weeks of no pay. To say we are incredibly behind would be an understatement. We thought we would be on top after this pay period, but my DH grossly miscalculated and almost ALL of his paycheck went to over-draft fees, at $37 a pop. And it wasn't like we went shopping for stupid shit, we paid bills, got groceries etc. We have $0 in the bank and if we can get $33 in the bank by 10pm, the bank *might* work w/us on our overdraft fees since I have been a customer for over 20 years and we have never had to have a refund before. If not, I literally do not know what we are going to do. I don't get paid until next Friday and DH doesn't get paid again for 2 weeks. Rent is due on the 1st, by the latest on the 6th. I am sick. I am sad. I don't know what to do. I am at my lowest point. We had to ask his sister if we could borrow the $33. And today, his sister & her husband buried her husbands dad. What an awful day to ask for money. I feel like scum. My husband was in tears. We just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. So, the only place left to go is on our knees. So please, if you could just include us in your prayers tonight, that would be most helpful, I'm sure.

Happy Father's Day!!

Fathers Day 2010...(and yes, the date stamp on my camera was wrong at the time)..

 

And today..Fathers Day 2011

And she rolled over for the first time today as well..such a good girl, so advanced ;). What a difference a year makes!!

Thank you DH for giving me this lovely, wonderful little girl. For helping bring this miracle into the world. You are an absolutely amazing husband..but with our daughter, I have never seen someone so caring, kind, easy-going, compassionate, and protective as you. Our daughter will someday think you are so mean, so overprotective, so stern..But someday, she will love it. She will treasure how you raised her. She will know what to look for in a life partner and she will know how a man should treat his wife because she will see an example in you. She will know what a good daddy is because of you. I could not ask for me then this. 1 year ago, I could not have imagined how much we would go through to get here. And how we would be in this perfect place. I am so blessed to have you as my husband and as the father of my children. I love you!!

This, That, and a Little TMI

Sorry for the lag between posts these days..I feel like maybe I'm not getting "read" as much anymore because comments have gone down to about none (which is totally fine, I don't blog because of the comments) so hopefully I haven't bored everyone to tears. My life just isn't "exciting." Well, to me it is, but not everyone is interested in what kind of baby food Lu is eating right now or how blastedly hot it has been here. So if that's not your thing, then this post probably isn't your cup of tea either cause it's an update as to how things are plus some TMI thrown in for good measure, in fact, lets get that out of the way first.

• My sex drive has taken a HUGE nosedive. After we were cleared for sexay times after the c-section, we went at it like rabbits. IDK if it was making up for DH being gone for 24 weeks, but good heavens, we thought for a second we were in for Irish twins (which I know, as an infertile I shouldn't say this) but we were really glad (for the first time) that we got a negative test. Since the beginning of May (i.e. the Mother's Day hospitalization fiasco) we really haven't done it. DH was on nights, so we were both exhausted and it took me a good while to get completely better, but it seems like I've just not been in the mood. It may have been the hormones readjusting (oh yes AF did finally show her bitch ass) but ugh. It doesn't even sound appealing. So, any ideas? Or is this just norm for now?
• As previously mentioned, AF showed up. For real. No joke. And it has been really, REALLY heavy and semi-clotty (<--unusual for me). I know, I haven't had a peri.od for over a year and this is my first one postpartum, so I know it's gonna be heavy, but (and here's the TMI part) I've bled through 4 pairs of panties and through the sheets last night, which hasn't happened to me since I was in middle school. Oh, and the cramps? Big fun. But not nearly as bad as they used to be, which I guess means the endo has not returned. At what point do I call the doctor? Does this seem normal? Oh, it things just seem to ache or hurt in the downstairs area, also unusual for me. IDK. Just wanted some opinions.

Okay, onto updates on the goings on at the Joyner house.

• In 8 days, Lulu will be 5 MONTHS OLD. How did that happen!? Where did the time go? She is doing really well w/her head/neck control, sitting up un-assisted at times (but topples over frequently, so obviously, someone is always near by), LOVES food, especially pears, squash, carrots, and bananas. Hates peas, peaches, sweet potatos, and green beans. She weighs over 16lbs I'm sure and it is defn. time to move her into size 2 diapers. From teeny tiny preemie to 16lbs "bruiser" as DH calls her. She is just adorable. Oh, and another question, she is a long/tall baby and so some of her 3-6mo clothes are starting to not fit in the feet/sleeve area (mostly footie jammies) but they are still pretty big in the torso area, what do we do? We've had to move to having her sleep in leggins & onesies and socks if it's chilly, but if we move up sizes, then the clothes are HUGE. Suggestions?
• DH finished FTO today..He is "officially" on his own starting Tuesday. Yeah, Monday should be his first official day, but it's his RDO (regular day off, also on Sunday) but he gets his car then!! He is bringing it by work so we can all swoon over it, then he & my dad are gonna go get some speeders. My dad is beyond pumped to have a son he can share all of his police lessons and fun with. He is so happy at his job, he just loves telling me all of his stories, some of which scare the sh*t of out of me and make me realize how disrespectful people can be to the police, and that makes me SO angry. I'm so glad he's finally happy.
• There is still drama at my work, but thankfully, it mainly, no longer involves me. Not being at the front desk does have it's perks. The person I trained (and I trained her well given my time limit) has had to train someone else since she doesn't want to work full time, and she has done a REALLY piss poor job of it. In fact she just "stopped" training the new person because she just wasn't learning fast enough. It's a tough job, it took me forever to learn all the nuances and she just didn't feel like training the new girl anymore. And then wonders why things are completely f*cked up. She asks for days/weeks off constantly, and then gets mad when she has to stay extra days during the week to get things done. I done know how she (or the newer girl) are keeping their jobs, except that they need someone at the front and I absolutely am NOT going back to doing the FD. Anyway, on the drama front, it's mainly been between Dr. S & KL. And I'll pretty much always back KL because Dr. S is crazy & not rational. Both days I worked last week, they got into it hard & heavy and I just had to laugh because Dr. S is so irrational and it makes him crazy when KL bring up rational points that make sense. But it's nice not constantly be on the receiving end of his beratements. KL can stand up for herself, and does. He's off to Alaska this week, so the office should be a little more controlled, but then we have Dr. B who micromanages every.damn.thing and is "surprise" pregnant (on their first try, imagine!!) and thinks that no one has ever had it as hard as she has (no morning sickness, minimal weight gain, looks like she has a volleyball under her shirt, husband caters to her every whim, etc) so she can be a bit much to be around as well. I'm gonna try to get in 3 days this week to pad the paycheck a little more. Oh, and thinking of that, there are 3 pay periods in July!! Woot!!
• With the appearance of ol' AF, we are unofficially "trying" for #2. We will be trying full force in September, but if it happens now, then yay. If not right now, them I'm gonna try not to get my panties in a wad. Some people know that we are TTC again in the fall and have willingly given their ass-vice. It's been just lovely. Advice I love, that's helpful, not that I don't need. I need a spreadsheet that gives answers to all of their assvice..Such as "yes, I know Elaina is only 4.5mos old, but a term pregnancy is 9months (or 8 or 10) and so it's not like the baby will be born tomorrow. Little E will be over a year old when baby 2 is born" Also, I hate having to explain like our whole TTC history to people who don't know. I.E. my mom told one of her friends that we were going to start trying for #2 in the fall (why she felt the need to share this information I do not know) and we had lunch w/her and my mom the other day and this person chimed in w/her 2 cents about why she just KNOWS I don't really want my kids that close, and I need to wait a few years until Lu is more self sufficient, etc. So I explained that it took 5 miscarriages and 2 years, plus some surgery and drugs thrown in in order for us to conceive Elaina, so the sooner we start, the sooner we'll know if I am having the same problems. And then, after my explanation, she was like "oh, still, you probably need to wait." Ugh. STFU lady. I'm excited (and scared) at the prospect of having another baby, and I really, really hope we don't have any more miscarriages, though I know it is a distinct possibility. I also hope, God willing that we get to have another baby, that we get to go full term. No more preemies, no more NICU. And I'm pretty sure that Dr. F will induce me at 38-39 weeks given how HUGE Elaina was at 5 weeks early. I'm really pretty excited =) DH? Yeah, the thought of another baby makes him almost stroke out. Oh well, what does he have to do? His part is big fun..literally (ah more TMI).
• I still haven't called the thyroid doctor. Yes, I am scared it's like bad news, yes I know it's most likely not (in fact, my pcp said the nodules look completely benign) and yes, it most likely is the cause of my slow metabolism and previously wonky periods. But everything was fine while I was pregnant. I'm telling you, being pregnant was the best thing that ever happened to my immune system. I have never been so sick as I have been post partum. That's reason enough to get PG again, lol. 
• We are still SO so poor, it's still triage. We will get back on top, as my mom said, this didn't happen in a day, but it's hard. We are struggling. And I have never been happier. Not to be poor. But I have my baby, and my wonderful husband who has the job of his dreams, and I am liking my job way more. The money will come, things will even out.
• We are so blessed. And please know, even if I'm not posting, I am reading!!

Random Thoughts & Pictures

• I need a bathing suit. Also, why "bathing" suit? At some point in time, did people actually bathe in a garment? Anyway. I need one. I'm chesty (love saying that, thanks Lulu) like a large C, and I have a really sweet c-section "pouch" that I can't work off because loosing 46lbs in 4 weeks made my skin saggy. So what do you guys suggest? Obviously no bikinis, but tankinis or two pieces I'm okay with. Also, no grandma girdle swimsuits (or at least none where the girdle is obvious). I'm not opposed to spending a semi-obscene amount of money if the suit is good quality and will last (since we plan on having at least one more babeh, I can only imagine the pouch will get even looser. Sexay.) 
• Uhh..so how did I never know that Dollar Tree/Dollar Store etc. have PG tests for..$1.00?! Do you know how much money I could have saved? Also, I know this now because, since I'm not cycling (that I know of) I feel the need to test each month just to make sure. I'm on some pretty heavy duty migraine meds that can cause severe birth defects, so if I do get pregnant w/o help (BAHAHAAH) then I'd need to stop taking them ASAP. I couldn't help myself today. I bought 5. 
• Have you ever "shopped" Craigslist? OMG. The "lots" of baby clothes are ridiculous. I seriously don't know if Lulu is going to get clothes from anywhere else. They are cheap, and (mostly) good quality and you get TONS. And, we have girl cousins and friends we can hand stuff down to if we don't want it or when Lu outgrows it. I can't stop looking. Oh, and E is behind me on this type of shopping because it's so cheap. Word.
• Lulu really likes baby food. She really gets into it. It's so funny. She is a mess, I'm a mess. It's fantastic. So far, she really likes squash, pears, and peas. Not so much on green beans or apples. Oh, and I'm probably not supposed to be doing this so early, but she likes her food mixed together. She seems to eat better when they are. She is really holding her head up well, still HATES tummy time (does this mean she will skip crawling all together?) and is attempting to roll over. Oh, and her daddy, makes her belly laugh. Like so hard she snorts. Seriously. As soon as I figure out how to load videos here, I will. It makes me tear up and warms my heart. And she ONLY does it for him. She giggles for me, but a full blown belly laugh where she laughs so hard she toots, only for her daddy. It is fantastic. 
• I am wavering daily on starting TTC in September and waiting until Lu is 1. I am so scared of having more m/c and the fact that it took 2 years to get & STAY pregnant. Then I think about how after starting the Met in March, I was pregnant by June, and that's not that long. But still. It would be great to have Lu out of diapers and more independent, but the fear always makes it way back in my brain. Part of me wants to start the Met now just to get my cycles back on track, and part of me doesn't mind not having AF. But I feel so hormonal all.the.time and I just want things back to at least semi-normal. Whatever that is.
• Okay, you said you wanted to see pics? Hmm, if not, skip this part, but things have been pretty cute around here lately =)

Big baby..4 months old 15lbs/2oz/25in.

  

And our other big girl w/her Kindergarten teacher..So proud!!

Here she is receiving her "diploma." Our baby is a FIRST grader!!

3 Generations..My mom, me, & Elaina

This is my mom's side of the family @ Memorial Day family reunion. How cute are the babies!?

She's a patriotic girl. Loved her flag.

Ready for the pool!!

Uh, could she be more adorable? She just slays me.

She's like her momma. Loves accessories.

She loves to eat!!

Licks her bib at EVERY meal. Makes things a bit messy =)

"Mom, hurry up w/those pears!!"

Rockin the Mohawk (and yes, her hair does this on it's own)

One thing she got from me..Big blue eyes =)

Hmm, does she look like me AT ALL?

She sure does look like DH. And they LOVE their fists.

And we can't forget Miss Allison, who lately, has been enthralled w/looking THROUGH the blinds.

Drained

Did you know that around 4 months of age "some" (read "my") babies have sleep regression? Oh, I knew her recent down at 7:30-1:00, up til 1:30, back down til 6, up til 7, back down til 9 was just a fluke. But, she has been sleeping 4-5 hours at a time, for about a month, so I thought that was the new norm, and I was a big fan. She turned 4 months old on the 27th of May, on the 28th of May, her sleep schedule went directly out the window and has not returned. It's not been big fun. On the flip side, she has discovered NAPS. She takes a "morning snooze" from about 9-10:30 and then we try to have her back down by 12:30-1:00 and she MUST stay in her bed for at least 45 minutes. She still fights sleep like a Jedi knight, but she usually tires out after 10 minutes or so. We don't CIO, but if she's just fussy, she stays in her crib. And she talks to herself trying to keep herself awake. It is hilarious. I love listening to her voice. And the laughter!? OMG. The cutest thing ever. DH made her laugh for the first time last week, and it was insane. Made him tear up, and she only laughs hard for him. She'll giggle or chuckle for me, but for him, it's a full belly laugh. Love it. But the sleeping issue? I could do without. I am so, so tired. She's been up every 2-3 hours (and thats a GOOD night) like when she was a newborn. Hopefully this phase doesn't last..And it's a blessing that I'm only working part-time. I couldn't be working 60+ on this little of sleep. BUT, she is completely worth every lost minute of sleep and I cannot wait to do it all over again. Really. More on that later (NO, I am not PG). Her pediatrician said he is "okay" w/her sleeping 5-6 hours (when she was) but she should be up to at least 8 if not more. I was like, in a row!?!?!? Like normal people!!? What will I do w/that much sleep? I don't think my body knows how to act on more then 4 hours of sleep at a time. And I still check on her breathing all the time. I know how precious she is. What a miracle she is. And I'm still paranoid. It can be ridiculous, but that's just me.

On the TTC front..IDK if I'm asking for advice or maybe just someone to say "you're not crazy" (or maybe I am?) But the urge to start TTC #2 has hit HARD this week. I don't know why. It's complete lunacy I know, since Lulu is only 4 months old. But I am SO scared that it will be another 2 years and 5 more m/c's before we conceive again. Because of the thyroid issues & previous PCOS, I'm most likely going to have to go back on the Met.formin (YUCK) in order to start cycling again. I'm almost 19 weeks postpartum and AF is yet to show her face. We stopped bf'ing awhile ago, so I'm sure that's not the issue. It's just my stupid wonky body. Dr. C said we don't need to worry about BC (which we weren't anyway, I know, living dangerously) because she is positive I'm not ovulating and that if I hadn't cycled on my own by August, then we'd do some blood work and start the Met. Ugh. Okay. Whatever. I'm just ready to start cycling again. Not because I adore AF, but because I want to make sure things are working and get used to the Met again. The side effects are AWFUL at the beginning and I get all of them really badly. I just want to get that part out of the way. And I'm concerned about the "what ifs." I.E. "what if the Met doesn't work?," "what if my cycles are still ridiculous", "what if I need more surgery", "what if there is scar tissue from my c-section?" ETC. You know how it goes. I just want things to go well..and thinking of Met.formin...

My SIL & BIL, as you know, are TTC. They got married in December, she went off BCP's, and had been off of them since January. She has very severe PCOS and was already working w/her OB before they started TTC. And as you know, SIL and I haven't always had the best relationship. In fact, it's been pretty rocky for the most part. When they started TTC, she asked me eleventy hundred questions, and I decided, remembering what it was like to be in her shoes, that I needed to be nice. Because riding the IF train sucks, no matter who you are, and doing it alone, sucks more. So, I referred her to our RE (Dr. J) and they saw him last month. He started her on the Met.formin, and told her that her PCOS is very severe and the Met may not get them PG right away. She had to get her insulin production and egg production under control first. If they aren't PG my August, he's going to start her on Clom.id or Folli.stim for ovulation induction. I think this might be just a little bit scary because TWINS run in my husbands family, and it's our generations turn. So both of those drugs are known to produce multiple eggs at a time combine w/the fact that twins run in the family..and SIL & BIL may have an insta-family. I'm trying to be nice & supportive because I know how hard this can be.

Okay..there's more, but the babe is FINALLY asleep and I need to do the same =)

Lots To Say

But it's all so jumbled inside my head..Which is why I haven't really posted. I am now at the point of needing some of it OUT of my head..So I'll have to go w/bullets. I apologize in advance for what I am sure is to be the most non-sensical, rambling post ever. Here goes..

• Guess who's body did NOT figure out that normal menstrual cycles are a GOOD thing? My last AF was May 2010. Yes, I understand I was PG for 8 months, but STILL. I'm 18 weeks postpartum w/no sign of AF making an appearance. Because of said no AF, I am STILL hormonal. I feel pms'y 24/7 and it's driving myself (and I'm sure DH) crazy!!! I went to my PCP, who said I will most likely need to go back on Metform.in to get this show on the road. It's okay-ish since we aren't TTC right now, but it still annoys the sh*t out of me. 
• Another reason that my hormones are whack-a-doo could be because I defn. have multiple cysts & nodules on my thyroid, which could be causing it to act a fool. I'm supposed to see a endocrinologist to get a 2nd opinion (and most likely a biopsy) to rule out can.cer. My wonderful PCP says everything looks benign but she wants to err on the side of caution, which is A-OK w/me. I still haven't heard from them, so I'll be calling Dr. N tomorrow.
• I'm scared of having another m/c. I don't know that I could handle it. Mentally or physically. Maybe thats why I want to have another baby soon, just to make sure my body can do it again, and go full term this time gosh darnit. Don't get me wrong, I am 1000000% in love w/Lulu and if she is the only baby we are able to have, she's enough. But I want to try and make her a big sister. I'd love to have a son. I've always imagined having a big family, and E and I "settled" on having 3. I wanted 5, he fell to the ground in a faint, and said 3 was pushing it. I don't know why I'm so obsessed w/this. Everyone tells me we should enjoy her, which I do, so, so much. Especially lately. But I'm ready to try again. We'll be throwing our hat back into the TTC ring after the summer is over. September, here we come. 
• The last few days, I've been on the verge of tears for a variety or reasons, and sometimes for no reason at all. If I didnt know 100% sure that I'm not PG and that I'm not about to start AF, I'd think I was. For now, I think it's just leftover hormones. On my "fantastic reasons to cry" list have been the following: 
• Our house is a wreck, I'm too tired to clean
• My baby is 4.Months.Old
• I'm still so scared something could happen to her
• I am the luckiest woman alive to get to be her momma
• I miss my mom living w/me (as she did for the first 4 weeks of Lu's life) even though she is only 45 mins away.
• The dogs nails are too long and she needs to be groomed..and the prices have gone up for both 
• We are poor, poor, poor. Like, POOR. And my husband blames himself, and it's so not his fault. Not getting paid for maternity leave, yeah, thats a bitch.
• I have another lung infection. I'm on steroids, again. WTF!? Can't my body just get it together? I was SO healthy pregnant, a totally reasonable reason to get PG again..RIGHT?
• Country songs, nuff said
• Gas being so friggin expensive. $4.15 a gallon?! Pretty sure that equals out to about $60 to fill my tank. GAH.
• My good friends C&Z had a blood drive in honor of their son, B, who passed away in April. I mentioned him here, he was only 25 days old and was to be Lu's first boyfriend. I didn't go because, well because I don't know what to say. What to do. How to act. And I had Lu w/me all day, do I take her? Is that too much? I feel so selfish. 
• I looked at pictures of Lu in the NICU, and just sobbed. I feel like my body failed her. I don't want to do that to another baby, I will do whatever it takes to keep the next one in for the full 40. I was told to go on bedrest after our labor scare on Christmas day (I was 31 weeks). I didn't because I would have lost my job. She came 4 weeks later. Why didn't I go on bedrest!? What was I thinking!? I don't know that I will ever stop blaming myself for the time she had to spend there. For the rough start she got in life. For the fact that her first breath was forced from being resuscitated, not from screaming into life after coming out of me.
• She is beautiful. She is 15lbs/2oz/25ins. She started veggies this week, she is sitting supported, she smiles, laughs, and talks all day long. She has started testing my patience w/her tantrums, she has melted my heart w/her smile. I still cry sometimes when I don't know what is wrong or how to help her, except to just hold her, and let her cry. And that makes me think, some day, when she's older, that will be my job description again. And I'll ache for my daughter then, just as I do now. 
• My husband is wonderful. I love him more now then I ever thought possible...but sometimes, it's like having a 2nd child. I have to ask/tell him to do things eleventy hundred times before it gets done, if it gets done at all. I am doing EVERYTHING around our house, and we have fought. Big ones. Not pretty. Door slamming, cussing, just general anger. And then, and then, like a light switch, we remember why we love each other, and how, even though we sometimes get angry at each other, we are stronger and happier then we have ever been. We are blessed.
• We are going on 2 trips this summer. One will be a test of endurance, the other, a real.live.vacation. In August, my cousin Lauren is getting married. As some of you may recall, we traveled to her sister, Megan's wedding in May 2008. In Arkansas. 14 hours away. Now, we will attempt the same trip, w/a baby in tow. August in Arkansas. Oh. Em. Gee. We are nuts. It is going to be hot. We plan on splitting the trip into 2 days coming and going. And we plan on carpooling w/my parents to save on gas money. I don't think we can fit all of Lu's "accessories" into one car, let alone all of her stuff, our stuff, and my parents stuff. Like I said, a test of endurance.  Lu will be almost 7 months old at the time. How does one entertain a 7 month old? Who has to sit backwards the whole time? That has got to suck. We plan on stopping every 2 hours (unless she is sleeping) at rest parks, throwing a blanket on the ground and letting her stretch her legs. What toys would be good? Books? Please, share. Then, in September, we are going, for a week, to...the beach!!! We haven't been since 2009, and E & I are so ready to go back..and I will fulfill a dream. To introduce my baby to the south, to the ocean, to the sand, to the slower pace of life. I cannot wait. We will again be going w/my parents, which I think will be a tremendous help on both trips. Plus, they are SO fun to travel with, it will be great. That will also be a 12-14 hour trip, depending on where we end up going (Gulf Shores, AL, Santa Rosa Island, FL or anywhere in the Panhandle). A real vacation. I am beside myself w/excitement =)
• Along w/the stupid thyroid, lung, & AF issue, I've been having daily migraines. Some w/aura, some w/nausea, ALL w/intense pain. I believe they are hormone related. They are not stress headaches, as I know the difference. I have experienced h/a since I was 21, and I was treated by a neurologist for close to a year for them. I've had countless MRI's & CT scans, that show nothing major (you know, like tumors) and have been treated w/different OTC & prescription meds. It's time to head back to a specialist. This is getting out of control. They were so bad while I was hospitalized that I was given Dilaudid and then Percocet when I left the hospital. I still am taking 1/2 a percocet when they get really bad, and when they are semi-controllable, I've been taking Fioricet or Maxalt. Neither seem to do much of anything. And since doctors frown on staying on high dose narcotics for the rest of my life, I need to see another neuro (my old one is no longer practicing). Also on my to do list.
• My To-Do list is 8 miles long. Seriously. 

This is long enough. I need to try and sleep. My sleep schedule is still incredibly off. Not helping w/any of the above mentioned health issues I'm sure. But since I can't take Ambien and hear the baby, 3-4 hours it is. Thanks for listening tonight, I know it's so everywhere, but I had to get some of it out!!