A Bit of News

So my hub and I had "colored" as we call it tonight and we've decided and it KILLS me to actually put this on paper in real words, to put the babymaking on hold until we figure out what is going on w/the two of us. It literally took my breath away to type that. We are still "technically" TTC, but we are going to use some form of protection, until at least June. I am dying a little death right now. I am TERRIFIED that this is my ONLY chance, and Im stopping it. We "colored" tonight w/o protection, and afterwards, we both talked and said at his point, we aren't ready for kids and IF things don't work out the way we want them to, putting that kin of stress on a baby just would be unfair. Also, I know the doctors say that stress doesn't directly affect the in utero baby, I completely disagree. I know that with the struggles we are having and both of our work situations, it just would not be the best thing. I want a baby SO very much. And getting pregnant would NOT be the end of the world, but for now, we are going to have to wait and re-start the TTC in June. Im so distraught, I am in tears writing this. I am still going to follow everyone along and please don't stop reading. I need the support. I know, that sounds kind of desperate, but you guys have kept my afloat the last few days. So thats that. Im pretty sure my heart is breaking.

You Guys

You guys are SO awesome..I can't even begin to explain how supported I feel. Absolutely amazing. Thank you thankyou thank you. Things are rocky. The hub is pretty much in denial and really has no desire to go to therapy. So I don't really know wha to do about that. Either he wants to help fix this or he doesn't. I want to go to therapy because I think I need it. I know that marriage is not all about me, but at this point, I cannot continue if don't get better. I've never really realized how I would really love to just get some things off my chest to a non-biased party. I talked to my mom last night, she was REALLY worried after I went over there Wednesday night. And let me backtrack a little bit..in 2004 I had a complete kind of mental break. I became a self-mutilator, and it was bad. I can tell you there are parts of that year that I don't even remember. I got help and got better. So obviously, she is worried that Im gonna go back to that. I can tell you that I, in NO WAY, feel like that at all. Im not even really depressed. Im sad at the place that Im at, after only 5mos. of marriage, but at the same time, Im taking charge and trying to figure out where we go from here. So, I had to reassure her, and she surprised me. She just listened, and supported me, and said no matter what the end result is, she wants me to be better and she wants me to take care of me. That was COMPLETELY unexpected. It's good to know that even though she hates the situation, she loves me. So anyway, thats where we are, and I had some spottin so maybe after FORTY days, AF will show her bitch ass. If not, Im gonna go completely batshit bonkers.

PS: I apologize for sucking big time on this ICLW. I do love and appreciate your comments and I will respond, it just might be a week after you left it.

Things Are Up & Down

Life is kind of like a bad dream right now. I can't go into extreme detail because Im not sure if anyone I *know* reads this but just a few highlights...
-No AF, Im on day 36. The last time I went this long I was PG, and since the pee stick just said "NO" then I don't know what the deal is. I've felt crampy the last 24 hours, but still, nothing.
-The hub and I had a rather large fight and we are now dealing w/the repercussions. Most likely therapy, at least for me, if not for both of us will be involved (hence the stress I've been telling you about)
-We just weren't/aren't communicating correctly and there are some other issues and I've already got the "the first year of marriage is the hardest" lecture 87,000x so if thats your advice, keep it to yourself (sorry to be harsh, but I know THIS).
-I want to say more, to get more advice, but I just can't risk someone we know reading this. If you really want to know, let me know, and we'll chat, otherwise, just keep us in your thoughts.
-If I havent responded to your comments, I apologize, this situation right now is sucking the life out of me and when I come home, I pretty much want to collapse. I may come home after work today and just go to bed til tomorrow morning..and Im sleeping pretty well. I know that it's the stress.
-Work, also causing me jitters. And not in a good way. I'll have to make that another blog post later when I have more time, right now, Im running late.
-I love you all and I will catch up & respond to comments this weekend!!

-

BFN




*Not only a BFN, but still no AF. F*ckin awesome.

Let Me Know

You know whats bad about having a day off? It makes you want to just update your blog about the stupid, mundane things you do all day that no one cares about. In lieu of that, please, let me know if you are on Twitter. AuntBecky let me know and I love getting her updates. So add your little twitter name deal in my comments and let me become one of your (stalkers) followers. Yay!

A Day Off

So Im home from work today because I have 50 gabillion hours of overtime and if the boss finds out he'll shit a brick. Not only that, but we have to space them out in order for me to get paid, so bye bye 7 hours at work today. Not that Im complaining, but still. If you don't want me to work 90 hours every two weeks, maybe not schedule me that much? I mean, yeah, I was getting to work super early because of my hub having to drop me off, but when I clocked in I started working, I just didn't sit around and dilly-dally.* And I usually work through lunch..and please know that Im not gonna call insurance companies, talk to people affliced w/ The Crazy on the phone, deal w/attorneys, check people in & out, take and give money, and do exams w/o getting paid. Sorry, just not my bag. If I wanted to volunteer, I'd be all up in the Humane Societys ass. So here I sit, updating my blog and feeling like Im pretty much not up for doing much of anything besides obsessively checking my email, text messaging, and commenting on other peoples blogs. A productive day indeed.


On a COMPLETELY seperate note, my hair is driving me bananas. Mostly it's my fault because I just wash & go and dont style it, like I should. But I've never been a big hairstylin kind of girl, even when I had long hair. If it didn't just immedietly* fall into place, then F it and up in a ponytail it went. Now I have "side bangs" and damn if they aren't in my eyes all the time and they're too short to fit behind my ear so I have to keep messing with them. Where are the bobby pins?! Ahh found one. Now I just look a little bit like I catch the short bus. Oh well. Complainers cant be choosers.

We took Miss Allie to obedience school last night, and of course, umm she was the worst one there. And it was a little bit funny and I had to laugh, just like Im sure I will when my kids throw tantrums. She literally did. Have you ever seen a 40lb dog throw a fit? It is hilarious! My husband was getting so mad at me because you're not supposed to laugh, you're supposed to show them who's boss. But anyway, so she learned sit (better, she knew "sit" but only when we had a treat in our hand) and stay (kind of, if she doesn't see you move, she'll stay, otherwise, no dice) and leave it (thats a big one, refer back to every post since we got her on things she "hides" or chews through). She's doing pretty good. The theme was just that we have to be dominant over her and consistent. 2 things we weren't doing very well (well untrue, I wasn't dominant, the hub wasn't consistent). She did well last night. We aren't allowed to let her sleep on our bed til she learns the right commands, so she was pretty pissed to be crated last night, but I think class wore her out cause she slept from about 10:30-4:30 w/o barking (kind of like a small child). And we are supposed to make her sit before she does anything i.e. before she goes out back to potty, before she gets on her bed (sorry trainer lady, she loves the guest room bed and looking out the window that is by it, so that stays) before she gets her food etc. And we have to get her this gentle leader thing that goes around her nose (snout?) and it's easier to control her becuase w/the leash just around her neck, we pretty much choke her out everytime we try to control her. Okay..thats ENOUGH about the dog. Good grief.

Okay..Im going to finish my commenting from YESTERDAY (sorry about that) and I might have more later.

1st*: Mostly I didn't dilly-dally
2nd*: Is this spelled correctly? I always have trouble w/my immedietlys




OH & ps, any ideas for a new layout? Im super all-done w/this one.

COMPLETELY Random

Seriously, this is gonna be off the wall...with bullets! Yay!

• I am ADORING the new All American Rejects song "Gives You Hell." Today it came on while I driving home from work and I don't know about you, but good songs tend to make me drive faster, and of course I did IN A SCHOOL ZONE. Shhh, don't tell my husband. I slowed down just in time to see the cop. No ticket, thank God (since that would make 3 in the last 7 months). I had that song BLASTING!! Seriously. I heart it.
• Umm AF can suck it. That dirty whore hasn't shown up, I don't think she's gonna because she's a jerk. FINE! I'll get Provera, that'll show you AF. Except..Provera makes me a crazy, emotional basket case lady. It's NOT good news. I break out, cry because the bed isn't made, ridiculous stuff. Pass on the Provera. But if I wait to see if that ho shows up in March, I'll just be wasting another month, EXACTLY what I want to do. Lets waste time.
• Different songs on my LimeWire make me think of different things. Anything by Jon B makes me think of my first *real* bf named Jake. He was gorgeous, thuggish and I loved him. Pretty sure he's in jail now, or has been in the last 6mos, and it was for something like battery/grand theft auto something of that nature. So pretty glad that didn't work out. But when we were together, he was never like that. And then I have a fuckton of songs that we partied to when I was at ISU..nobody parties like a DG parties..lol..I'll have to give you my LimeWire rundown sometime cause there are defn. reasons behind downloading my songs. Only a few rambling ones.
• I need my knee and back THERAPY. The therapist that usually works on me couldn't on Friday and was sick today so I haven't had my knee or back worked on since last Wednesday. My knee is suffering big time. My back is okay, but my knee is bitching AND complaining.
• Step Brothers is a cinematic masterpiece and should've been up for every academy award ever given. It's funnier every damn time I watch it. Have you seen it? You really, REALLY should.My husband and I have become one of those couples that quote it ALL THE TIME. A little annoying to others Im sure, but oh well.
• Thats all :)

A Quickie-You Know You Like It

So muchos gracias to those who have commented..I feel so loved around this time every month..I will have a better post later when I get off work. But it's good to know that Im not the only that thinks the world is kind of f-ed when Nicole Ritchie gets pregnant for the 2nd time and we can't the first w/o help. If you commented, and I haven't yet, I will ASAP, I promise.

*AF still hasn't shown her bitch-ass around here, jerk*

Jealousy

You know that song by Natalie Merchant..Jealousy? That prett much describes me right now. So I know this is petty and pretty dumb in the grand scheme of things but Nicole Ritchie is expecting baby #2. Umm.. is this the same anorexic, drug-addicted, driving drunk and high as a kite girl we all knew about 3 years or so ago? I've never doen any of those things and Im not expecting baby #1. So, how does that work out? Can I be jealous? My husband said it's because she has a lot of sex..I was like so do we honey, and Im not pregnant. Refer back to previous posts on how my husbands thinks different kinds of sex makes babies. He thinks Im currently PG, don't I wish. But anyway, I just had to vent on that for a second.

Early/Quick Updated

AF-Is 5 days late, I don't even think she's gonna show this month and Im 99.9% Im not PG. The hub wants me to go buy a test today, I don't want to waste the money. Although I am super emotional about dumb shit (such as last night I was our throw rugs and one of them got merbits all over the rest and that reduced me to tears and then it didn't dry right, again tears) but I have no hope. I think the stress of this month may have caused this. Awesome.
ICLW-Is so exciting. Im reading the list from the bottom up (like starting w/#115) and I have found some interesting new blogs that I may have to add to my reader. Thats how I found all of those I follow now, during the last ICLW.
Dog-Currently freaking the F out. She's running up and down the stairs, in and out of rooms and literally can THROW her bone. Watch out, you might get a concussion. Last night she destroyed a snowman that Moo had given us for Christmas on top of my cell phone charger. I was super pissed, not only because I can't replace the snowman, but because a new cell charger was $32!!! Can you believe that!!?!?!? You know, at cost, it was like 50 cents. So Im hoping when we go to Walmart today we find one cheaper and can take that one back to the AT&T store.
-Im thinking of a new layout. For those that are new, I pretty much love changing things around and I go for a new layout about every 2-3 weeks. Currently, I have my eye on PoppySeed Swirl Flip, Popcorn Popping, and I can't think of the others. Any suggestions on what you like or another place I could find free layouts that work w/blogger (I've tried 50 million, but LeeLou seems to work the best) would be appreciated.


Okay, thats all for now. My life is SUPER exciting and I must go get ready for church!!

ICLW February

So is it that time already!? How is already the end of FEBRUARY? Didn't we just have Christmas? Apparently it's time for a new ICLW..therefore the post about who I am and what Im about and why you should make it a point to read me daily (aren't I just full of myself today?) Withought further ado:

Me: MrsJoyner
Relationship: Married since October 4, 2008
Husband: Big E, the Hub, Cleat etc
TTC: Since the night of our wedding (I know, TMI, but oh well)
Kids: None on earth, one angel baby in heaven
My story in a nutshell: The hub and I met in May of 2007, were engaged by September and married 11 months later in October. We knew from the beginning that we wanted to have kids, and I wanted to have them sooner rather then later. The hub, not so much. It wasn't until we had a little "scare" on our honeymoon that he decided to jump on the short bus w/me and try to have some kids. Well, maybe not so much. Apparently we got pregnant on November 20th (I had no idea) and I had a faint positive on December 10th. I told NO ONE. I didn't want to jinx it. I was due on August 13th, 2009, my dads birthday. I had grand plans to tell everyone at Christmas, but mother nature, being the sometimes bitch that she is, had other plans. I miscarried on December 19th. It was terrible, and I still sometimes go to the pregnancy websites I signed up for just to see how far along I'd be and what the baby would look like. I've had pretty wonky cycles my whole life and was on BC to control them for 10 years. I was in a regular cycle pattern until this month, in which AF is 3 days late & no, Im not POAS or any of that. If Im PG I'll just be in denial until AF is 12 weeks late. Im scared Im never going to get pregnant again and if I do Im scared I wont have a live baby. Work wise, Im a medical assistant for a relatively large chiropractic clinic and we live in a great townhouse on the northside of Indianapolis w/a bad dog named Allie. So this is me in a nutshell. Questions, concerns ? I heart comments, so leave them! Welcome!!

SOLVED

So the little personal issue I was struggling with? Solved today. Got my sign and Im gonna let bygones be bygones. The moment has passed. I still have a little struggle inside me, but the majority of it, gone, w/one phone call. I defn. got some self-confidence back though. So, thank you for all your thoughts etc. I feel better. A *tad* letdown, but all in all, it's the best decision.



And AF still hasnt shown her face. Im crampy, I've felt sicky all day, and Im so tired, so wtf. I think this cycle was in the toilet from the beginning due to the above situation and I was stressing about it. So, we'll she if she shows. If not, Provera (please kill me) next month. So thats that:)

I Want A Drink

I really do. I had a Long Beach Iced Tea the other day at Applebees (and I know, usually, their drinks are water + 1%alcohol) but this thing was JUICED!! It's different from a Long Island in that there is no "tea" involved. It's all the alcohol + cranberry juice. Sound yucky? Nu uh!! It was so good, and I buzzed quickly..and all through Kohls picking out new tennies. I want some more. I forgot how fun it is to be buzzed. I can see how doing that all the time can be addicting. Big E & I never go out. He's always working on the weekends and for the last couple of months I havent had a car to go if I wanted to. I haven't gone out since my bachelorette party. Plus, Im not as hot as I used to be, the drinks don't come freely if your're not..I have a friend, who is a little dumb, and is using part (if not all) of her tax return to go out to some club in Ft. Wayne. SERIOUSLY!? Umm, and what tax return? She worked for MAYBE 6mos. total in 2008..soooo..? I know the hub was doing his last night (online, w/no help, dur) and only found $118 coming back. Im like, umm, eff that shit, lets do it the right way and get Turbo Tax or my dad or something (my dad, btw, found $1700 for me to get back last year, so Im all for that). And are we supposed to be getting some stimulus thing or something? I mean, that is FOR SURE, not money we depend on, like some friends I know, but $1000 extra would be NICE. Anyway, I said all that to say this, we don't go out because it's too damn expensive. Cover charges at the door, $4 drinks w/1% alcohol. I could get drunker, faster, at home. And I know people say you go out for the ambiance or whatever, but eh, I can take it or leave it. Okay, that was a long run-on sentence. Im kind of rambly (is that a word?) since I havent blogged in some time. Lets try this



-WORK: Umm, is causing me an ulcer. Does anyone have extra Xanax?! Let me lay it out for you. Okay, my boss, is a chiropractor, which means in the state of Indiana, makes upwards of $150,000/year. MORE then enough to live comfortably, quite comfortably actually (if you manage your money right). Unfortunatley, he lives like a neurosurgeon, spending about $300,000+ a year...and just NOW, as in MONDAY, realized "oh we're in a recession" WELCOME TO CLASS!! Everyone else has been living as thin as possibly, spending only what is NECESSARY, and occasionally what is wanted, and he PLOWS through money. So anyway, he's been talking about how he's gonna make all these changes and not going into detail about what they will be. So OF COURSE, everyone things he means personnel. I cant afford to not have a job. Right now, Im our main source of income, esp. w/the overtime I've been getting. If it were closer to June, then I wouldn't be *as* worried, since Big E will be getting a huge pay increase in the academy, but it's not, it's FEBRUARY!! It's just been bad. The tension, you could cut it w/a knife. I am not even kidding. He's all about "get in more patients, MAKE them schedule 304940x a week, we need to MARKET etc" He has internalized nothing. It's all about how can other people make him more money, not, maybe "I" should stop spending or paying my wife her $2500-4500 allowance a week. I mean seriously. Plus his kids go to a private college, which is $40,000+ a year. WTF?! I told KL that the bottom had to drop for him to realize how fucked things are, and now, here we are. I have knots in my back & stomach every day. Im stressing. And i know, I can't do anything to make him figure his shit out, but still, I also can't afford to be unemployed. But I also know, being in the medical field, is the easiest way to get a job. I just don't know. It's not good. I don't fear for my job, yet, but I am gonna apply at other places, cause I can't afford one day to just go in and not have a job. And just between us, if I get a better offer w/more pay per hour & benefits, Im probably gone. I know, 3 months isn't very long, but in this economy, I need security. Esp. since Big E & I are planning (LOL) on a baby in the next year. Ugh, this sucks, and this is the first time I've actually had to look at what is going on and how it is affecting me and those I love.

-PREGNANT: Hmm, Im gonna go for no. AF hasn't started yet an dI for sure wish that bitch would. Im at that point where Im bloated, my boobs hurt, Im tired, don't want to eat, etc, all that PMS bullshit, and she is 2 days late. I know Im not PG, I don't see that happening, even late implantation or whatever. Im sure ready for something to happen. As much as I hate AF, if she doesn't show, them something else is wrong (just what we need).

-HEALTH: Plus the ulcer thats now forming..in no specific order..my knee has torn ligaments, attached to my thigh muscle (I know the words, but can't remember, my amazing therapist told me, but I was in so much pain I blocked it out), and I actually have a muscle that is attached to my knee that is twisted and you can see it (gross and awesome!), it hurts every day. I get therapy every other day w/the amazing Josh at work he also has started to have to work on my back because thats where the majority of my stress is carried. Also, since my knee hurts 24/7, Im favoring my right side, therefore, I have right hip/glute pain. Let me tell you, I think my husband and therapist think I enjoy therapy, HELL TO THE NO. It hurts so bad. At the least I feel like Im gonna vomit during, at the worst, (like it was last night) I was in tears. I could barely stay on the table. Josh was cracking up, so thats nice. Im a squirmer, what can I say. Also, my body, not pregnant, not having a period. So are we back to square one? Or is the stress causing the late period? I cant wait til March when his insurance kicks in and I can at least be seen for the wonky period situation. I can't afford to be seen for my knee since that would be added to the pre-exsisting conditions should they choose to treat it. And already having asthma..I don't think so.

-DOG: BAD. Thats the only word. She is getting progressively worse and more destructive. We missed class Monday because my husband REFUSED to get directions, and was like "oh yeah, I know exactly where it is." Umm, 45 minutes of driving around later, and being 20 minutes late we went home. Please know, that had we listened to me, we would've been there on time. But no. They said that we could come early on this Monday so we could get last weeks lesson and then do that days class. Seriously, if she's not better and behaved in 6 weeks, I don't know if we can keep her. What are the other options? Are there any? Also, can someone explain to my husband why it is important to be CONSISTENT?! I'd like him to learn this before we have any kids. That'd be great.



Okay, this is SUPER long and my hands are starting to hurt. Is that a good enough update? I know I didn't go into the personal BS that is going on, but after tomorrow, I *might* be able to share a little bit. We'll see. If you are just dying to know or leave advice, leave your email in the comments and we'll chat.



PS: My car, hasnt run since before Christmas, and is frosting on the in & outside, wouldnt' start. So the battery/starter/belts/shocks/struts/brake pads etc is ALL under warranty. Guess what isn't? The wheel, and guess what got bent? $115 later, Im getting it back tonight. Yay. More money, GONE.

I Don't Have A Good Title

So I'll just say this...it's late. And no, I don't have any real hope, Im not POAS cause there's no reason to waste the money..I think stress is causing it. And I just had a feeling my body would F up this month, don't know why. I know I ovulated, and we were having PLENTY of sex. So, Im just kind of a mess. Things just suck in general right now. Oh well, I got to talk to KL. And I'd love to blog about what is going on, but I don't want the judgement and if any of my family found it, that'd be bad news. So, it's hard to have NO outlet. We'll see how things work out. Thats all for now. Even if Im not posting, Im reading, so Im following along, don't forget about me.

Issues

Sorry I've been MIA for a few days. I have some things going through my head that Im trying to figure out..and it's kind of pushed everything else out of my mind. I need to sort some things out, and hopefully, after this weekend, I'll know more. Im expecting AF anytime, so that's also adding to the pissiness. Ugh, I sometimes wish life didn't throw any curve balls at you...but then, life wouldn't be exciting, Im just so over this. More when I can.

Guess What?

Got the better of me....I was totally not even trying to think about that AF is due next week and I've been over exhausted, nauseaus when thninking about food, etc but yesterday my lovely hub pointed out that PG tests were on sale...And so I went home and just on a whim took one. And let me tell you, regardless of whether you are expecting it or not, a negative hurts every fucking time. So, Im thinking no hope for this cycle. I mean, MAYBE it's too early to test, but I doubt it. I think my sleep cycle is just off and I've had an upset stomach all week. So whatever. Im sick of this. I know, we've been TTC for a whole 5 months, and Im already sick of it. Whatever. Anyway, thats all for now, Im at work, and probably should start doing something constructive.

Shoot Me

Migraine...Like I haven't had in a year...I should've stayed home..Today is gonna blow..Ugh

Maybe I Don't Want To Wait

Why does everyone feel the need to tell me that the hub and I should wait to have kids? "You should wait at LEAST a year" before having a baby, "you need couples time" you don't know each other that well yet" or my most favorite "a baby is the last thing you need right now." Let me go ahead and just give everyone who feels like saying that a cup full of shut the fuck up. Firstly, why do we need to wait at LEAST a year? I know many couples who conceived on their honeymoon (lucky bitches) and are fine together. I also know some couples who waited 10 years to have their first baby, and regret it down in their souls now. Secondly & thirdly, we have couples time, all the time that we are together. We talk, we get to know each other better, and also, I nver would have married Big E if I didn't know him. We were together for 4 months when we got engaged (which everyone also had to comment on) and we had a 11 month engagement, but we did get to know each other because he lived over an hour away. We talked all the time and now, all of our spare time is with each other. I know him like the back of my hand and vice versa. And lastly, the last thing we need is another credit card bill, or a check to bounce, or our dog to bite through every cord in our house. We are not having a baby because we are trying to fix our lives or our marriage (like a certain friend of mine did), we are having a baby because we love each other so much, that creating something from both of us would be the ultimate gift from God and would enhance our marriage. I love my husband very much, and I know he'd do anything for me and loves me very much as well. Why do people feel like they get to tell us what the "last thing we need" is? Also, on this same note, I've known from age 14 (when I realized my periods were all wonky) that I would have a struggle in conceiving. I just knew. And Im okay w/that..well not okay w/it, but I just feel like I've always known. And I know it's probably an old wives tale, but I've heard that sometimes, once your body figures out how to get pregnant, it's easier to do it again..and I don't want to wait. Im sorry, wait, no Im not, I want children, I want 4 of them and I want to be young enough & healthy enough to enjoy them. I don't want to be having my 3rd child at age 41...and that is NOTHING against women who do, but my Aunt J just did that in December, and she can't enjoy her because her other 2 are terrors and she can't get teh weight off because of her age etc. Im not explaining all this because I feel like I have to, Im doing it for my own sanity. I wish the people that said these things to me realized what it feels like to feel terrified that I am never going to have a term pregnancy. That I feel like I will suffocate if I have to go through another m/c. How I desperately want to be a mom and how sometimes I just cry because Im afraid I did this to myself. I know, it's sounds irrational, but thats how I feel. And Im not sure if its because Im pretty sure AF is gonna show her ugly face next week or what, but I've just been super hormonal and I don't know. Im just sick of hearing people spout "advice" on having babies. Can't you just be supportive of our decisions?


And maybe this helped set me off. I received a text message from my friend Stace, who I met in 2002 when I was just out of my freshman year at college. She was 17, pregnant, and w/an asshole. We just became instant friends, Im not sure why. She gave birth to Nicole in July and by the next year was w/someone new, whom she married the following summer and gave birth to Jayden in June of 2005. So I said all that to quote this "So I have a new number, and a new job. My divorce was finalized and Im engaged to someone new. We are trying for a baby..Number 3 for me but aren't preggo yet. Hoping it's w/in the next 2 months." Oh okay, well I didn't realize it was as easy as just saying it, so I'll try that next month. I know, it's jealousy that she is a fertile myrtle, but I can admit that. She's just dumb. Looking for love in all the wrong places.

Okay, Im sleepy now and have vented enough. Leave love if you feel so inclined :)

New Layout

So you know how it's February..and all the blogger lay-outs I have seen for VD are too busy or are crazy and make you have a seizure..Plus it's that in-between time where there's still potential for a massive snowstorm and spring. So does this layout work? Is it doing too much? I really like it, but if its hard to look at, it will be hard to read. So, let me know.

Also, when my husband A)hasn't had his Adderall for over 2wks and B)hasn't had enough sleep he makes me GRRR!! I had to take the dog for a walk just to have some peace for a few minutes. Now he is downstairs doing the dishes, but Im just trying to stay away until he gets his shit togehter.

Thats all for now.

OH MY GOD!!!!

You guys, you guys...so guess what happened...Today as I was getting the mail I got out a letter from IMPD (you know that Evan's been going through the process) and I showed him and it was a thin envelope so he was like.."okay you open it" And I did...
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HE MADE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



OMG you guys!!! It just took me 20 tries to type that one sentence. I am so freaking excited. I am shaking all over and just crying w/happiness. They extended him a conditional offer of employment, he'll start the academy June 22nd!! I cannot believe this. I am SO SO SO happy!! We've called everyone we know, it's almost better then a pregnancy annoucement right now. I know, how dare I say that, but this means so much. More income, better benefits, we can buy a house, we'll have money to do ART treatments if we need to and most of all, my husband will be the best police officer I've ever seen (except for my dad). It is just so neat that they will both be on the same department. This has been such a long time coming and he deserves it so much!! Honey, I am so SO so proud of you!!!

A Bit Much

Sorry, that last post was just a *tiny* bit exaggerated. It just infruriates me to no end how easily these women, who aren't trying to get PG and who aren't even really excited about, get pregnant. I would just adore even getting the chance to look at 2 pink lines (or a digital "pregnant".) So, Im okay, it's just like people are getting pregnant just to harass me. I know, crazy talk, but whatever, you get the picture. Okay..really must go get ready for work. More tonight...

I SWEAR

If one more person says "relax, it'll happen, just turn it over to God, it'll happen in His time, or everything happens for a reason" Im gonna slit my wrists!!!

Another person around me is PG. Oops, surprise. It's a preschool parent, the same one who did my hair for the wedding, unmarried, not in a relationship, cheating on her bf while he cheats on her (who is the father?) not stable, etc. Ugh. WHY ISN'T IT ME?!!??!!?!?

My Dog Is A Goof

And other such musings are the topics for todays entry...and Im doing them in bullet formation because you can never have enough blog bullets.

• Please take yourself over to visit Aunt Becky and send some prayers her way. They are meeting w/specialists tomorrow to get a plan in place on what action to take. There are 2 thoughts on the table, 1) A miracle, the doctors were wrong and nothing is wrong w/the baby or 2) Amelia will need neurosurgery to remove the growth which is very involved and means that mom (and Im sure dad) will be needing a lot of Xanax. This is stressful for the whole family and I know I'd be freaking the fuck out.
• Our dog is batshit bonkers. She chewed through my laptop cord, 2 tv cords, and 2 light cords LAST NIGHT. It's a miracle that she didn't electrocute herself. It is also a miracle that upon awakening (at 3:59AM) I didn't beat the everloving shit out of her when I found her doings. I JUST got my laptop cord back from HP and now the hub and I will be sharing a computer. Shoot me now. Usually, she is fine out of the crate at night. She lays at the end of our bed and sleeps, usually 8 hours. Last night, I don't know what the hell the deal was. We have to get her to obedience school. The people I talked to today said that it is possible for dogs, who aren't trained at a very early age (before 6 mos) to plateau at that age and act as puppish as possible until they are trained. He said he also believes that it sounds like she was allowed to chew and play bite w/her previous owners. So he thinks a 6wk obedience class would benefit her greatly. He said that Boxers learn quickly and are very intelligent. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That light will cost $100 and take 6wks to get to, but it's there. Classes start 02/16, I'll let you know how it goes.
• Im not pregnant. I hate typing that. Seriously. I also hate the fact that my period was late, and then it had the audacity to be 12 fucking days long. So that means, Im already into my next cycle. Im wanting some sexy times, A LOT and that means that most likely Im gonna be hormonal and PMSing next week. YAY!! My husband is super pumped. So I have a question, if my period is every 28-35 days, but it lasts 12 days (well this time it did anyway) and I go on that website that has an ovulation calendar, is it right? There is no place to enter how long your period lasts, so I don't know. It says Im ovulating right now or in the next 3-4 days (and come to think of it, I had a massive headache this AM and felt a sharp pain on my right side). Also, wtf is a luteal phase? I have not a clue about this. Does that make me TTC retarded? I also have a more personal, semi-nasty and defn. TMI question that I don't feel like being totally open about, so if you want to know or think you might have some advice, just leave me a comment & your email and I'll email you. Cause I would like some advice, but I don't want to be gross (it has to do w/sperm, not something nasty like being a necrophiliac)
• On the almost same note, I keep having pregnancy dreams, just NOT about myself. Ahh, Im reminded of my inability to get pregnant when Im sleeping, fantastic. I had a dream about one of our patients, who "just" found out she was PG. She came in and said "yeah, I just found out Im PG, I think Im like 5 weeks along." OMG. I would love to just be like "yeah, I have no idea how PG I am." Turns out she had to go to the ER for some spotting and she's NINE weeks along. Must be nice. But anyway, I had a dream she had twin boys, which, in the ultrasound, they only saw one, but who knows. She didn't like that idea. Oh, and she was already annoyed w/being pregnant "I hate the nausea, my boobs hurt, Im gonna get fat, I can't eat citrus...." Are you fucking kidding me!? Seriously, I remember something I heard once from the mom I used to nanny for, who was infertile until they had their first child (that job was the first time i heard about such things as Provera/Clomid/IVF/IUI) and then she popped them out, 4 in 36 months, but anyway, she said " I always remember hating having to vomit, but thanking God for sending me my baby that made me do that." I abhorr vomitting, I will take it when I get pregnant. All the symptoms, the aches, the pains, please, give it to me. I also dreamed that one of the mom's at my old job (the preschool) who is a dumb BI, is pregnant w/twin boys named Carson & Cooper. I don't know where that came from. So maybe I'll dream about someone out there and it will be true.
• Can someone tell me more about Clomid? I've read about it, but hearing about it from someone first hand who has been on it would be helpful to me. I'd like to know if that is what I should request when we go in to talk to the doctor in April. My doctor is very proactive on the TTC front and said to come in if we hadn't conceived w/in 6mos of trying (even though I am young, the m/c in December was my 2nd, and she said she didn't want me to have to go through another one, also, all my bloodwork from the said m/c came back fine, except for the fact that my HCG was extremely low for how far along I was, so we'll see if that means anything). Also, what other questions should I be asking? I want to make sure we cover all of our bases and I can tell you that having to even think about the m/c still makes me tear up and kind of loose my brains. And my hub, as good as he is at most everything else, is kind of dumb when it comes to conception. He knows that sex is how we make a baby, he doesn't realize that 'OOH THAT WAS GOOD" does not a baby make. So any and all advice would be fantastic.
• Say a prayer for us will you? And please be specific on the following topic (I hate to tell you what to pray for, but right now, this prayer request is the most important thing in our lives). My hub took the IMPD test in September & passed w/flying colors. He took the physical in December & the same. He had his interview in January and we are supposed to find out if he has received a conditional offer of employment (meaning he will start the academy June 22) by 02/17. I JUST realized how soon that is. I will currently have a stomachache until we find out.
• Okay, thats all for now. Im addicted to facebook, find me:) and say hey, also, Im addicted to myspace, and youtube. I need therapy.

Lets Talk Fun Times

A freak snow storm. THAT is the epitomy of fun times. They said it wasn't supposed to start until AFTER midnight tonight...Please know when I got to work at 7:15am there was not ONE snowflake falling, but 7:30, we were getting pounded. We've been getting an inch an hour since then, so like almost 4 inches so far, on top of the 1/2 melted 12.5" we got last Wednesday. People are FREAKING. Umm, you live in Indiana, this happens EVERY winter about this time. Good grief. Same thing happens in the summer "omg, I can't believe it's 112 degrees w/all the humidity." Seriously? Dumb. But anyone, thats the excitment in my day. Oh and everyone lurves my hair. Yay!!

The Hotness

Is how my husband described me last night and this morning..So I needed a change in the hair department..it was getting kind of long and the color was very faded..I hadn't been since before Christmas and my hair grows about an inch or so a month. So last night I went to my favorite hairstyling place (it's just a Regis inside Castleton Mall, if you live in the Indy area, you should go, they rock my world) and got it done. You guys..it is FANTASTIC!! I cut off about 3.5 inches and dyed it a dark chocolate brown and then added bright red highlights (and they are so many it looks red). It's in a bob w/long front bangs. Im in love w/my hair and my husband adores it. YAY!! Maybe I will post some pictures later..Anyway, just had to tell everyone about my awesomeness..And on a completely different note..do you know what sucks about being on your period for 2 weeks? By the time you get off, your already back into your cycle. Last night I was SO emotional that I picked a fight w/my husband who was being nice to me for no damn reason. Wtf is wrong w/me? Is it possible to have a 2 week period and still be on a 28 day cycle? Or does it start over from the day you stop bleeding? Because I feel super PMSey (woke up w/a banging migraine and still feeling emotional over tv commercials). Ugh, I wish I could be like oo, maybe Im pregnant, but no, thats not what it is. Anyway, must get ready for work, so more later.

Just FYI

1. Taking Benadryl at 1am and hoping it wears off by 7am is not realistic. It does NOT wear off that fast, and now I feel like a ZOMBIE and I forgot my energy shot so Im dragging huge amounts of ass.

2. I feel like a failure when my hub says things like "That should get you pregnant cause it was good" or something of that nature after we do the deed. Im like, dammit, I wish it was that easy. And I know he means no harm, and I've tried explaining it to him, but ugh. That just sucks.

A Few Questions

1. The damn dog is driving me crazy and right now we don't have a fuckton of free time in which to bring/take her to obedience classes. Does anyone know how to train her to 1) stop with the biting, even if you are playing 2) stay off my fucking face when I sleep 3) RELEASE! 4) don't eat the following: fleece pants, tampons, pads, aluminum cans, onion peels, cotton balls, q-tips, my leg, carpeting 5) NO means NO

2. Anyone have a solution to the itching/hives that I am getting at an incredible rate!? I've tried Benadryl and Benadryl cut in half and it still makes me so sleepy I feel like a zombie. Hopefully, next month on the new insurane, we will be able to get Allegra, which doesn't cross the blood-brain barrier therefore resulting in less drowsiness, but until then, suggestions!!!

3. Has anyone seen my camera? I cannot find it anywhere. Im pretty sure Allie or Moo know where it is, but they aren't giving it up.