Allllllllllmost Spring

So I am 100% ready for this winter BS to be over. Seriously. Anyone else w/me on this!? So last week it was 65-70 M/T/W, and GORGEOUS by Thursday the temperature started going down. Yesterday, I *think* it got up to 58? And there were awesome, AWESOME thunderstorms, like we haven't seen since last summer. This morning? Gloomy, rain, 38 degrees, expecting SNOW tonight. HELLO, weather? Im (and Im sure the rest of the US) is all done w/winter. We are ready for flowers blooming, 70 degrees, slight breeze and SUN. Maybe a few storms, but not freezing cold and snow. Go ahead and let that go. Thanks!!

So yesterday, I cleaned and by cleaned I mean FOR REAL. I cleaned the kitchen: organized the junk drawer, organized our silverware and cooking utensils, did loaded, ran, and unloaded the dishwasher (and for those who don't follow along, this is no small feat for me. I abhorr doing the dishes), cleaned the windows, cleaned the sink, cleaned any and all countertops, organized the dishes and the pantry, organized under the sink, cleaned the stove. Then I cleaned both bathroom, scrubbed the toilet (YUCK) and the bathtub, mopped the floors, did about 8 loads of laundry, it was a great big ol day. I felt SO accomplished. I usually start cleaning and then stop, yesterday, I was a woman on a mission. I feel like Im gonna finish cleaning today. I have to tackle our bedroom (a disaster) and our guestroom (where the dog frolicks) and the living room. Oh, and finish the rest of the laundry I found while doing said cleaning yesterday. Just FYI for anyone thinking of adopting a Boxer, they are hoarders. I didnt know this til yesterday when I pulled out about 8 pairs of socks, 2 scrub pants, 10 pairs of panties, 1 flip-flop, a few pop cans, an old toothbrush and a blanket from under the guestroom bed. She apparently has gotten into the trash and pulls things out of the dirty laundry. It's insane. It was like finding buried treasure. And the stuff was *so* gross. Slobber all over everthing. Ugh.

The hub has been working ALL weekend. I don't much like being a *single* wife, but you'll have that when your husband is a cop. And I figured I better get used to it cause when he's in the academy, it'll be like that for 26 weeks. Being pregnant at the time and having that to focus on would be great so I don't drive myself nuts. I'll let you know how THAT goes. Also, I think I have resigned myself to the fact that I will be very suprised if we get pregnant on our own. I know, maybe I sholdn't be like that, but it's like intuitive, just like I knew we'd have trouble conceiving. I know I shouldn't rush time, but can December get here so I can hook up w/some Clomid? I just feel like thats what the situation is gonna be. Maybe everything will work out differently, but I just don't know.

Bonus

This week at work has been INSANE. I feel like I worked 80 hours in 5 days. I think I worked 57..and got my February bonus today which was handy because..my husband *forgot* to tell me that we still owed money on our washer and dryer they wanted to come repo it today if I didn't pay $200. Long story short, my husband used to work for Rent-A-Center and so we got a great deal on a washer and dryer. The hub told me it was paid off, ummm..not so much!! We apparently have owed $50 for the last few months and his old boss has been talking to the hub telling him to make a payment..did he remember to tell me?! Fuck no. He calls me at work, in a semi-panic telling me that they are gonna come take the w/d. Im like what. the. fuck!? Then he finally tells me why. I was FURIOUS to say the least. Firstly that he lied to me and secondly that someone was gonna repo our washer and dryer (does it get more redneck then that!?) I was so angry at him. What did he think was gonna happen? We could just keep it w/o paying? Hell to the no. So, I paid it (thank goodness today was payday) and then I got my February bonus. RAD!! (<-- yes Im bringing Rad back). Ugh, sometimes I have a dumb husband.

Umm you know what I hate? Thinking that every *odd* thing my body is doing=mindfuck about being pregnant. Like "oh I've peed 8x in the last hour" maybe...or it's the 2 bottles of water I had. Or "I feel a pinching in my side where my ovaries are"maybe...or its just still not recovered from the m/c or "Im exhausted ALL the damn time" maybe...or Im just staying up too late and not sleeping well. You see the cycle? It's vicious and I don't like it and since my period isn't due til the 9th at the earliest, there is NO reason to waste a test...but part of me REALLY wants to. NO NO NO!!!

Okay..not the most exciting entry, but you'll sometimes have that:)

Go Give Love

I am so bad on catching up this week, so go visit:
Aramelle: She is one of my VERY favorites and had her IUI today. I am so *hoping, wishing, praying* for her. It would almost as exciting as getting my own 2 lines if she got her own!!
Melissa: Just underwent her own IUI and is currently in the 2WW and the mindfuck that every little twinge and sign brings..And Im hoping for her it's not a mindfuck, that it's a baby burrowing in.
BabySmiling: Did a "perfunctory" IUI to satisfy her insurance and to prove the need for IVF..and then..one pee stick with 2 beautiful lines then to match those 2 lines, 2 beautiful heartbeats!! Go give her congrats!!

Looks like IUI is the way to go these cycles. Please go give hugs, love, and luck to these wonderful ladies. They all deserve the best and the babies.

Im super ready for it to be me. But for now, til it's my turn, rooting for others is the next best thing!!

Grrr

So that pain is back at a 10 today. AWESOME. This flu can go away any damn time it wants. It's maintained about a 3-4 the last few days and now it skyrocketed. Im afraid my Vicodins are gonna be all gone before my next cycle which I am *already* dreading because of the pain factor. I may just have to call the doctor if this pain is still this intense Monday. UGH!!


Less whiny entry later. And thank you all for your love and and support. That letter..it was hard to write, but needed to be done. Thank you for your concern :)

Thinking..

So recently and for some unknown reason I have been thinking a lot about my birth mother..See I wasn't "given up" for adoption, I was taken away by the state because my mom was such a deadbeat. I managed to get my hands on my original birth records and she was such an asshole. This is what I know..

• I was born by repeat c-section 10 days early
• So somewhere there is a sibling
• My birthmother lived with her mother and a 7 yo boy (most likely my brother, but I don't know)
• She says my birth father was 1/2 Cherokee Indian making me 1/4? I don't know.
• She says that my birth father was part of a "biker" gang and was killed when she was 6 mos. along with me
• From what I've heard from my foster parents she was a "loose" woman and wasn't 100% sure who my birth father was (awesome).
• She figured she could take care of me, obviously, not so much.
• When I was 7mos old her mom brought me to the hospital and they labeled me at "failure to thrive" which meant that I was having trouble breathing on my own and I was severely underweight. I was so underweight that instead of inserting an IV line into my arm or foot, they had to shave my hair back and insert it into a vein into my skull. I still have the scar.
• When the DCFS worker talked to her, she admitted to feeding me french fries and diet coke on a regular basis, to forgetting to change my diaper a lot of the time, and that she would drop me off at her "friends" homes and leave me for days w/ no food/diapers etc. A real class act.
• The final straw was that when I was in the hospital at 7mos (and I had been in & out since I was 2 mos old for different maladies) they told her that the state was taking me away from her. She came to the hospital and took out my ivs and all that took me from the hospital, barricaded herself in the house until the state physically removed me.
• I moved in with my foster parents after that.
• My adoptive parents met me when I was 10 mos. old and I was home with them by the next month.
• I remember absolutely nothing about that time in my life, and sometimes that makes me sad.

So all that said I have to say this

Dear Birthmother:

I have wanted to write this letter so many times, but at the same time, in order to find you, you would have the ability to find me, and Im not sure thats what I want. I have wondered about you many times in my 26 years. Whenever I have to answer "medical history" questions I get so angry because I have absolutely no idea what to answer. I know my families medical history, but since Im not blood related to them, their medical history means nothing to me. And because you were such a jerk, I can't claim any of your history either. I would love to just be able to find your medical records so I know what runs in our family, but then, again, you'd have to give me permission and I dont want you to find me.

I think about the many things you could have done to prevent me from always having these lingering thoughts. You could've used protection, you could've had an abortion, you could have WILLINGLY given me up when you KNEW you wouldn't be able to take care of a baby. My foster parents told me that you were kind of the town bike and weren't "for sure" who my dad was. So thats another part of my history I'll probably never know. They also said you were "lower class" and thats why maybe you didnt think of protection. I absolutely am so glad you did have me because if you hadn't then I never would have gotten placed with my family. But once you had me, you KNEW you couldn't take care of me, then you should've done the right thing and willingly given me up, not allow me to have constant health problems, to be underweight, to have a failure to thrive to be taken away. To have to have an IV stuck in my skull, to have cigarette burns on my arms and legs, to now have trust issues because the one person that is suppsoed to love me for life, DIDN'T.

I want you to know that you missed a lot of big things in my life. Do you ever think of me on my birthday? Did you ever think of me in May 2001 that I would be graduating from high school? Did you ever wonder if I went to prom? What I looked like? If I went to college? Did you know, I got married this October. It was a gorgeous wedding and I couldn't have been happier. Did you know that know that Im trying to have a baby, Im worried that I might have detachment issues like you obviously did...and I have no way to know if you had any IF issues. But it's not all bad.

I want you to know that I could not have been adopted by a better family. I have never once in my life felt like an outsider because of my adoption. In fact, I look so much like a mixture of my mom and dad that people who don't know me well, don't believe me when I tell them Im adopted. I have my mom's eyes, and my dad's nose and my grandma's smile. When you look at all of us together in the wedding photos, it's uncanny how alike we look. My adoptive parents couldn't have loved me more if I had been their biological child, and I've asked many times because I needed reassurance. Just so you know, they raised me very well, in a solid home. But now that Im grown up and on my own, I realize that I do have some trust issues and some worries that trace back to my history that I do not know. I have questions that I will never have answers to. What you did is not fair, but it was the best thing that could've happened to me. Without your craziness, I wouldn't be with my family.

I don't know what else to tell you. Part of me wants to know what you loook like and if I have any siblings and what your life was like when you had me and what drove you to treat me the way you did. I understand that you didn't have much support, but that is completely no excuse. Please know that my life has been wonderful and I couldn't have asked for anything better.

Your daughter Mrs. Joyner

Sunny

How can one be pissy when it's 71, sunny, GORGEOUS!? (and enjoying a nice cold Mike's Hard Pomegranate Lemonade)? It is a beautiful day in the neighborhood. I am currently typing this post from my back patio, there's just enough breeze and Im blasting my downloaded music (which ranges from Rihanna to Earth, Wind, & Fire, so Im sure the neighbors love it) So Im gonna update in bulleted formation cause I haven't in a few days, its my favorite, and it makes my post from looking like one long run-on sentence....Without further adieu:

• Last week's bleeding, otherwise known as "the cycle that almost killed me" has stopped. It actually stopped pretty completely last Wednesday. I am still have the flu-like body aches and my knee continues to be fucked up, but at least the pelvic portion of the issue is taking a break til the next cycle..Which is scheduled to start..? I have no idea what CD day Im on. Seriously. The last one was 1 month exactly (12-19 to 01-19) then skipped in February, then started on 03-09. So I guess I'll start anywhere between the 9th & 19th. FUN. I love that I was on a pretty good cycle and now it's all out of whack.
• On the knee issue, listen to this, it's unbelievable even to re-tell it. Okay, so we work closely with 3 MRI imaging centers in Indy and one of them offered to give me a *free* MRI on my knee since we've sent them so much business. Well I explained that we had insurance and we've met the deductible (thanks to last weeks immediate care & ER visit). and they said they would take whatever insurance pays and not make me pay the copay or out of pocket or whatever. So yay for that. So I call the insurance and they try to tell me that because I have a pre-exisiting condition (asthma) that I can't have an MRI of my KNEE. Did you see that!? Asthma=lungs, MRI=knee. Those, as far as I know are NOT related. They want me to fill out some pre-existing form and Im like "nope, I cannot have another pre-x on my insurance since we will be getting new ins. in June when the hub joins the police department." So anyhooters, they tell me, "well we can set you up as in-house patient and each MRI will be $500 (and I need THREE). " Let me go ahead and let you know what the chances are of us getting an extra $1500..Nil, slim and none, nada. And the reason I feel like I need the MRI, finally, is because it gave out last night. I could barely put any weight on it all day, it bent all wrong and was extremely swollen. It's not good news, but I didnt figure me having ASTHMA would prevent me from figuring out what the problem was. Apparently so.
• Im doing so bad on ICLW. I plan on returning all comments left and adding some new blogs to my reader...I PROMISE!!

Thats all for now. Im going on a walk w/the hub and the dog so we can enjoy this weather .:)

Because Im an HP Obsessive

Yep HP & The 1/2 Blood Prince..WOOT!! Im pumped. I also will catch up on commenting and have a better post later:)

A Sleepy Weekend

This weekend we had the Moo, we haven't seen her since Valentines weekend and Big E has decided he wants her to go Gatlinburg w/us, which is A-OK w/me, it just means we have to get a 2 bedroom place, which isn't *that* much more expensive since we aren't staying in a cabin this time. Oh my goodness, she is sitting next to me right now cracking herself up w/her pink sippy cup and a Christmas toy she found laying around. She is hilarious. Anyway, I am so excited to take her to Ripleys Aquarium and to see the mountains. Literally, it brings tears to my eyes because these are things her parents should be doing with her, and they're not, and they never will and one day she will tire of us (I hope not, but kids do grow up) and I hope and pray w/all my heart that she doesn't fall into the same lifestyle as both of her parents. We also are taking her w/us to Gulf Shores (that was always the plan, we just decided this weekend to take her to G-Burg) and I cannot wait for her (and Big E) to experience the ocean and see where I want to live. Having her around also makes me realize even more how much I want to be a momma and how ready I am.

Anyway..it was a sleepy weekend because the hub worked til 2 am on Friday night and I stayed up cause I can't sleep when he's not home and then Saturday he worked all day and I had to take the Moo to work w/me and then we came home and took a nap, and went shopping afterwards and I stayed up late again last night because the hub worked late last night as well. And she of course was up early cause she went to bed at 9pm but then she napped and I napped with her. I needed the rest. After taking off Monday & Tuesday, I worked long days the rest of the week, and I had severe body aches last night and they've continued into today. Fantastic.

Okay, this is just a super interesting entry, but oh well. Now we have to go get ready to go out for dinner w/my MIL for Big E's b-day dinner that my body cancelled last weekend. So I'll probably have another entry later..Oh and welcome to all those finding my little slice of blog heaven via ICLW!!

ICLW Introduction March Version

So I am TOTALLY stealing this idea from the wonderful Nancy, who has been through some tough shit the past couple of days (so go visit!!)

This is my March ICLW intro using the ABC's

A: Ann is my middle name..Most people don't know this since I go by my married name on here..But my name is a popular Gilligans Island character..
B: Boxer is the kind of dog that we have, her name, is Allie and another word that starts w/b, is bad, which also describes her .
C: Contraception, we threw it out a year before we got married, knowing that my cycles are wonky and it would take the full year to get them back to normal. It took 11 months, and look, still no babies, awesome.
D: Dining room, I wish we had a proper one. Currently our "dining area" table is holding all the junk we don't have a place for or stuff we just drop when we get home.
E: E is the first initial of my hubs name. He's a great guy and I love him lots
F: Flowers, I love them, in *most* forms, hyacinths being my favorite. If I had more money, we'd have fresh one's each week.
G: Garage, another thing I wish we had, instead of having to park on the street, I guess that will come with buying our first house
H: Harper, one of my all time favorite baby names..Im going out on a limb putting it out there cause I don't want anyone to *steal* it. I'd have to come after you (Harper McKenna is the full name:)
I: Ice Cream, I've NEVER been a fan until the hub introduced me to Maggie Moo's, now we go once a week. As if I don't gain weight fast enough all ready.
J: Joyner is my new last name..Well I guess it's been my last name for almost 6 months, but it's still new to me, and I love it.
K: Kink..Im kind of into in the bedroom, maybe TMI, but this is my blog. And I love that word.
L: Leonidas..another one of my favorite names, I know it's weird and odd or whatever, but I've loved it since I saw the movie The 300. The story behind that kind is amazing (and here it is for your perusing pleasure:Leonidas)
M: Miscarriage, a word I hate with all of my heart. I have had 2. The first was on December 19, 2002, I was 19, seeing a guy that HAD a girlfriend that was not me (which I did not know) so the timing wasn't right, but I didn't care. I got pregnant on October 24th, and was going to tell my whole family the day I started miscarrying. I went through it completely alone and that pretty much fucked me up. I had my 2nd m/c on, you guessed it, December 19, 2008. My husband and I decided to start "trying" as soon as possible, and we got pregnant in November, I had NO idea, no real symptoms, besides being fatigued and losing my appetite. I had a positive pregnancy test on December 11th and was planning on telling everyone over the Christmas holidays. I was 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant. Loosing that baby devastated me. I still cannot talk about it w/o tearing up. I don't want to have to go through it again.
N: Nurse, eventually what i want to be when I grow up. I just graduated w/my Associate in Medical Assisting in December and am currently working w/people I love with a boss who's a douche. I plan to go back to school in January of '10 if we havent conceived to get my RN. I eventually want to get my MSN so I can teach nursing classes at universities as well.
O: October 4, 2008, our wedding day. It was an AMAZING blow out wedding that was absolutely beautiful. You can read all about if you go back to 2007-2008 cause thats why I originally started this blog.
P: Period, I hate it, and the m/c has fucked my last 3 up. Mine have always been wonky, so I went on bc when I was 15 and was on until I was 25. No one ever told me being on that long w/o having a break could screw w/your fertility. Nice. In January, I had a regular, albeit, painful one, then skipped in February due to some extreme stress and had one so bad this month that I ended up in the hospital. Thanks body for being 100% a mess.
Q: Queen of the castle, thats me (lol, sure)
R: Race..as in cars..I live in the Racing Capitol of the world..we host the month long celebration of the Indianapolis 500 in May and the Nascar Brickyard 400 at the end of July. I don't really get *that* into race car driving, but it is exciting to have so many people in Indy during those times.
S: Sex. I like it and I like to talk about it. Not is an X-rated type of way (most of the time) but I do, so you are forewarned.
T: Tornado season, I live in the midwest which means that between May-November, everytime there is a thunderstorm, people batten down the hatches, just in case
U: Uterus, lets get a baby in there
V: Vacation, we are going on 2 in the next few months, Gatlinburg in 2 weeks and Gulf Shores at the end of May
W: Waves, one of my favorite sights and sounds, I cannot wait til we can move south.
X: Xanax, something I occasionally need but never seem to have any of .
Y: Yellowjackets, we had some living in the mailbox (when I lived at home) and my dad didn't know and he went out to get the mail and got stung 3x and his arm and shoulder swelled up like a balloon. It was *NOT* good news. After that, everytime i'd have to get the mail, I walk out into our cul-de-sac, peer into the mailbox, and then run, grab, the mail, and run back into the house. Im sure it was a spectacle to see.
Z: Zucchini, a vegetable I cannot stand, they are gross no matter how they are prepared.

On The Road..

To somewhere..Thank you, SO much for all your words of encouragement and support. I felt like I was going to die Sunday & Monday and seeing your comments made me feel so much better. Plus the hub just let me sleep, which is what I needed to do the most. These Vicodins make me SO tired! Seriously..I can usually handle them, but I also usually get 2.5's for the pain..These are 5's! Whoa. The difference is ridiculous. I can only take 1, or 1.5 at the most. Anyway..went back to work today and it was a pretty good day..Although, I must say, J, who works on my knees was a real asshat and he thinks its hilarious and seriously, I think it's just a front that he puts on to keep people from getting too close. Like today, he looked super cute, so I told him so and he gave me both middle fingers, and I was like "you dont HAVE to be an asshole," you just choose to be. He was like "no I just am, thats who I am. Whatever, no its not, your just being a dingbell. Also, the doc was okay, but moody, as he has been the past 2-3 weeks. It's getting quite old. But whatever, it's a job and Im glad to have it. Oh and for those that were wondering, I never did hear back from the heart hospital job so Im pretty sure I didn't get it. Oh well. It's okay.

Married life is going pretty well. We are planning at trip for our 6mo. anniversary (basically because we REALLY need a vacation and because I was sick the first 3 days of our original honeymoon, so this is honeymoon part 2). We are going back to Gatlinburg, we really like it there and we are gonna try to do some things we didn't get to do last time. The first few days we kind of just had to lay low since I was so sick. We'll for sure go back the aquarium and we want to go on a haunted tour of Gatlinburg. And of course we'll go back to the park, it'll be so different from October. Im really excited to go. We're gonna try to get away Thursday (the 2nd) after work but if not, we'll leave SUPER early on Friday. Im pumped and ready to get away. Then our next big trip will be to Gulf Shores (me, the hub, Moo, my mom & dad) and we will leave at the end of May and be gone the first week of June. Big E has never been to GS, and since I want to move there in a couple years, I figured I better introduce him to LA (lower Alabama) before we move :) Im so pumped!!

Okay..I am so sleepy. Does anyone else feel like a regular day is so much longer when they have the flu? I feel like my 10 hour day today was 30, so off to bed I go*


*After we watch Lie to Me of course :)

We Have A Plan

With added pain relief! YAY!! There are many reasons why I love my PCP..Let me list just a few for you..

She listened to everything I had to say. And when she came in, she knew, instictivley since she's known me since I was 15, that I took the m/c hard. She is the first person (besides you guys) to acknowledge that there was a baby and I was pregnant. Exactly 6wks 1 day. Can I tell you how hard it was to hear those numbers again? I'd be like 18 wks. by now. But anyway, she said the bleeding should have AT LEAST slowed by now, and since it hasn't she prescribed Provera to help slow it down ( I thought Provera started the period?) And said I can give myself 24-48 hours for the bleeding to stop/slow on its own, if not, I have to do the meds so I can hopefully have a regular cycle next month. She said that basically my body is still reacting to the m/c and in her words she said "your body freaked out and exploded" which is a pretty good summation of what happened. She said the pain worried her, but not enough that she felt like I needed another pelvic. She explained that some woman's bodies respond "well" to m/c as in it leaves the body on its own and they get on a regular cycle. My body, not so much. My last regular period was super heavy and painful, then I skipped one, and this one is the same way. She said my body is still trying to get it together from the m/c and I may have one more cycle like this one. Oh joy, on that note, she did prescribed 60 vicodins w/a refill, so there is that. She also said that the reason I have the terrible headaches/bodyaches/fatigue etc is from A)loosing so much blood and B) Influenza A. Thats right, I have the flu. WTF!? I like when I go in for one thing and leave w/ a completely different diagnosis. So that fun time w/last the next 2-3 weeks. Awesome. But she did give me all refills on my asthma meds for free (yay!! Since 1 costs $100 and insurance says WHOA pre-exisisting condition) and gave me a plan and here it is :

• Continue trying naturally for the next three months (June of 09).


• If we are not pregnant by June then I will start BCP's for 3 cycles/Sept. 09


• If we get pregnant, and have another (God forbid) m/c, then we will start hormone testing and what not 1 cycle after the m/c


• I will do BCP's for 3 mos. then we will try naturally for 1-2 cycles after the BCP's (this kind of makes me laugh because she said most women get pregnant 1-2 cycles after)
• If no pregnancy occurs by December of 09, then we will start Clomid

I wanted to start Clomid right away but she gave me the big N-O on that one for 3 valid/good (even though I dont like them) reasons 1) Clomid makes women crazy-This I've heard from women who have been on or are on it and from the research I've done. It also makes ovulating painful and you release btwn. 2-5 eggs at a time. 2) Im young. She says if I was 30 or 35, we'd start Clomid right away, but since Im only 26 and we've only been trying for 6 mos. she'd rather wait 3) My body is still getting better from the m/c. Throwing Clomid in the mix might make the healing take longer or make another m/c more likely.

I feel better now that we have a plan in place. She also told me to let go, that Im holding on too tight, which is completely true. I am a control freak when it comes to certain things. She said to go on a vacation, get drunk, and see what happens. So thats the plan when we go on our honeymoon part II in a few weeks. We'll see. Now, the vicodins are kicking in and I must go lay down.

Happy St. Patricks Day!!

Myspace Graphics, St. Patrick's Day Graphics at WishAFriend.com


So today is St. Patricks Day and I got some rockin new spring scrubs to wear to work (that have all different colored butterflies, including green) but alas, Im at home. Yesterday the pain. OMG. If I ever thought about doing natural childbirth, that went out the window. The pain was excruciating, not only becuase it was in my pelvis, but because it had moved into my head. Behind my eyes, in my sinuses, I literally thought I was gonna have to go back to the ER because thats how bad the pain was. 4 vicodins took the edge off and I slept from 1:00-3:00 then 5-7, then 10-6 this morning. I got up and tried to get around, thinking the pain would dissapate if I just got moving. NOPE. Pain is at about a 7 right now. Called my boss, she said to come in later if I felt like it. Umm..Probably not, and I probably shouldn't be online, but Im just worried. If this had started w/the head pain, I wouldn't be as worried, because I'd figure it was just a sinus infection or something, but since I started in the ER, Im having all kinds of WCS thoughts. I see my PCP at 2 today, but she's gonna want to do a pelvic exam and let me go ahead and let you know that Im gonna have to tell her NO. I remember how bad it hurt Sunday, Im not prepared for that kind of pain again. Okay..I've got to go lay down.

Is This Really Necessary?

Pain a is 5-6 in the pelvic area.
Pain in the head and behind the eyes is s 10-11.
Fever is 100.6
What the fuck is going on!?

Spoke WAY Too Soon

Okay, I just completely deleted the post I had going because I was too long. I can explain what happened in shortened bullet formation

• Very few cramps for the last 24 hours.
• Woke up out a sound sleep at 7:00am this morning because I thought I was being stabbed to death in the pelvic area
• Tried the heating pad/Excedrin route which usually works to no avail.
• Pain was increasing by the minute, so we headed to the immediate care center.
• By the time we got there, I couldn't stand up straight and could barely walk.
• Had a pelvic done wherein I almost broke the MA's hand from the pain and I was sobbing an couldn't breathe.
• The doctor says 2 things "it could be another m/c or a tubal pregnancy" (This was AFTER I told them I tested negative twice this month)
• Given 60ml of Toradol and off the ER we went (because the doc said he couldn't get the speculum all the way in because of my amount of pain. Awesome)
• ER draws blood to make 100% Im not pregnant, starts an IV w/60ml more of Toradol and Zofran for the nausea
• Doctor Awesome comes in and listens and explains that a)Im not pregnant (NU UH!!) and b) it's not STD's, cancer, fibroids, PCOS, or anything like that. My body is just reacting to not having a period last month and may still be whacked out from the m/c in December.
• Sends me on my merry way w/2 Vicodins down the hatch, a prescription for some more and instructions to lay low and come back to the ER is the pain gets that bad again.

Here's what I take away from all this. I (most likely) don't have cervical cancer, yay! But it was SO hard to be reminded of the baby I lost (all the paperwork said things like "pt is 120 days out from last m/c" "Pt has been pregnant 2x w/zero living children" To be put in an OB/GYN room at the ER, to have them ask me 57x about being pregnant, trying to get pregnant. ETC. I think that was partially why I was in hysterics at the immediate care because I was like there is no way I wouldn't know that I was pregnant and if I have another m/c it will just destroy me. So, nothing like being reminded all day by your body and the medical community of how fucked I am when it comes to making children. Right now, I feel high and tired. I strict instructions to lay low for the rest of the day (no problem) and they wanted me to take off work tomorrow, probably not. So 120 ml of Toradol, 2 Vicodins $220 later, and pain is down from a 15 to a 6. We'll see what the rest of the day brings.

Can I also mention that to day is my husbands birthday?! My dysfuntional body ruins EVERYTHING!!

Weekend Update

In bullet formation cause thats my favorite...

• Please head over to Melissa's. Her mom was just diagnosed w/breast cancer. They will find out on the 20th what stage it is and if there are any other complications.
• Yesterday, Big E worked his reserve police job and did undercover narcotic work. To say I was having WCS (worst case scenario) thoughts would be an understatement. Plus, watching Law & Order SVU didn't help things out too much. But he defn. had 2 DUI's and this one lady he had to take to the hospital cause she was high as a kite and drunk. They recovered 162 hydrocodone 7.5's (bring some home to mamma please) and 154 methadones. Good grief!! What doctor does this lady go to? The majority of them were prescribed, but I need the hook up. LOL. But anyway, she almost died trying to take as many as possible mixed w/the alcohol. The bad part of him working this reserve job is that it's usually 12 hour shifts the majority of which take place at night. So last night he didnt' get in til 4am. And when he's not home, I don't sleep well, as mentioned in previous posts, so I didnt get much sleep til about 4-7am when I had to get up and go to work. So that made for an awesome morning.
• Work has been dumb. The last 2 days have almost been my last day. The doctor has been such a jerk. Thursday he was pissy w/KL because she knows more about marketing then he does, and he HATES it when someone knows more then him & he took it out on me. The best comment was "your job is to sit at the desk, be a hostess, look pretty, and shut up." Are you fucking kidding me. I literally jut looked at him and didn't know what to say. My mom has never even told me to shut up (I mean except jokingly). I could NOT believe he said that. Then yesterday, he scheduled 2 new patients w/o telling anybody in one of our busiest slots. So when they came in, I had no idea who they were or anything and I had to ask him all the questions and he got pissy w/me telling me I wasnt listening and I didn't knwo what I was doing. I had to go have a mini-break in the back room. Seriously. Most of the time, I don't let him get to me, but this week he has been on a rampage trying to micromanage everything and just being a dickweed. It just wasn't good news.
• Things on the AF front continue to go as they should (I do believe). Im not sure how to calculate my start date though since I had spottish bleeding for 2 weeks. Do I start from the day of the full flow? I just want to know since it's been every 30 days minus February. Anyway, the cramping has receded a little bit ( I heart those stick on heat pad deals) and funnily enough, Excedrin Migraine seems to help as well..Im not sure if its the caffeine or what but it does the job.
• Im super ready for some friends to get some BFP's. There's been ENOUGH BFN's to last for awhile. There's also been some super sucky IUI & IVF procedures. Lets be done w/that.
• Things in the marriage department are day to day. We have barely seen each other this week because work has been brutal. We are getting along okay, but not really focusing on the problems. I don't know what the deal is. I still haven't gotten in to see a therapist, I just haven't had time, seriously. And he is still adamantly against going. So I don't know what to do. We are just taking things day to day.
• Allie is CRAZAZAZY. She just tried to run through the back door, almost knocked herself unconcious. We got her new food, from Beneful and she ATTACKS it. She really, really likes it. Also, whenever we put food in her crate when we leave in the AM, she immediately knocks it over and "buries" it under her blanket. Then she eats it all day and pushes some out of the crate to eat later after we get home. She is such a weirdo.

Okay..thats enough for now. I'll update sometime later.

Ummm

So maybe I kind of freaked out on the last post? Me, freak out? NEVER..I never thought I'd say this but Im scared to say this *might* be AF because then my period will hear me and go away. And yes, I want her to stay around for the next 5-7 days. Please get me back on a regular cycle. Feels like it is AF (FINALLY) heavy flow for the last two days and a CRAMPS. Im still gonna head to doctor in April, but for now, I feel a *little* better. Okay..Just wanted to update on that situation, I'll have a better update tonight.

Irregular

Do you know what happens when you google "irregular vaginal bleeding"? Umm, CERVICAL CANCER is about the 1st thing that pops up. On WebMd there was a little reprise in that usually the bleeding/spotting is a period gone wacko. But STILL, cervical cancer? To say Im freaking out would be an understatement. Im not just TOO dead sure how long this has been going on. And today, it was heavish (on & off all day, but defn. spotting when wiping all day, I actually needed a tampon at on point, sorry for the TMI). So now, Im like, umm how soon can I see the doc? The other problem, we JUST got new insurance and Im pretty sure if they test me for cancer, that might be a red-flag when we get the new police insurance in June. Im pretty damn scared. I seriously don't know if this is just a weird period (recall, AF skipped my house last month trying to trick me into thinking I was PG and then, nothing) and so is this just my regular period trying to get it together or is this cervical cancer? I feel like if this is still going on in April (my usual AF has been coming on or around the 19th of each month) then I will go to the doctor and get things figured out. No, Im not in denial that something *might* be wrong, I just want to wait and see if I do have a regular period and if that straightens things out. Ughh..Im freaking completely out. YAY.

Random Thoughts

Okay..so I've never watched Dancing w/the Has Beens EVER and I am now. I think this round, the *stars* aren't so good. I wish Jewel was still gonna be on, but I understand torn ligaments. I know that I couldn't dance and practice for weeks at a time. And may I also just say that Steve-O (who I kind of have a crush on, have since his Jack-Ass days) may have gone to rehab, still looks high as a kite. He is hilarious, and so far, the most entertaining one on the show. I cannot believe this is on for TWO hours. Are you serious!? I don't know if I can watch for that long. Thank goodness for DVR. Oh, and Jonny Knoxville, WHOA. The hotness, why can't he be on? Hello!! I know, seriously, how boring is my life that Im talking about DWTS?

On another note, work was a HUGE clusterfuck today. Seriously! The doctor is being such an ass-clown doing such things as only have ONE therapist this afternoon and about 10 minutes into the evening saying "you know I probaby could have used D." Are you serious!? We told you that 50 million times. You guys, as much as I love KL, I really, REALLY hope I get this new job. Seriously. I can't do this much longer w/o snapping. I tell the hub that at work, I go in w/a great attitude, and as SOON as I hear his voice, my shackles are up and Im on the defense all damn day. And I really try to have the same attitude as the doc, a I don't care about anyone but myself attitude. But I can't. I care about my co-workers and the patients. Sometimes I feel like m loosing my shit. I just can't stand arrogance, especially people who really have nothing to be arrogant about. And let me tell you what happened after work was over. So J always works on my knee and back and I always feel better. So Im in the therapy area getting my knee worked on, back walks the doc. Now let me tell you, therapy makes my knee feel and work better, but while it is happening, it is EXCRUCIATING pain. And I have trouble breathing, let alone carrying on a conversation. J has to MAKE me talk so that I don't pass out. THAT bad. So back comes the doc and wants to talk about why my knee hurts and how I should have an MRI (can you say preexisting condition, PASS). And Im like, doc I CANNOT talk during this. He was like "why does it hurt?" I almost lost it w/him. Then, J was working on my back, and yes I get to take my shirt off (but its TOTALLY professional) and back comes the doc who in the past, when I got a massage w/M, was like "can I watch?" and other such comments. Im like, holy fuck, I do not want him to see me topless, even if it is my back. And he was like "wrap it up J, you guys need to get going." Again, are you effing kidding me?! Today is the day I need a full massage and he has a "conference call" and we ALL have to be gone. Guh. Now my back is STILL super stiff and I won't get worked on again til Wednesday. I know, enough bitching, but grrr.

Okay, Big E is home w/the pizza, so there is more, but it'll have to wait.

Aww..People Really Do Like Me!

So today started out as a pretty blah day. We went to the baptism of my cousin Grace (who was born on 12-26) and it reminded me of how the last time I saw that part of the family, I had JUST lost the baby. I would've been about 17 weeks by now. It was hard, but then I remembered, today wasn't about me. Then, I got online to check in on everyone and I found out that I was nominated by VA Blondie for the Sisterhood Award. I feel so special!!

The rules for accepting the award are as follows: Put the logo on your blog or post. Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post. Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog. Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

I nomiate the following amazing bloggers.

1. Aunt Becky at Mommy Wants Vodka: No matter what life throws at her, she ALWAYS bounce right back and is always greatful for her family. She also, has a phenomenal sense of humor that maks me smile.

2. Nancy at the New Life of Nancy: An amazing woman who always give great advice. Her sarcasm is wonderful as is her outlook on life.

3. Aramelle at a New Wheeler for the World: Because without her these past few weeks, I would be going crazy. Also, please go support her RIGHT NOW as her latest IUI hasn't worked out. I love you Aramelle!!

4. LMP at Pags Place: She constantly has a good attitude and always leaves me great comments that make me feel like all is not lost.

5. Shaken Mama at Shaken Mama: This is one of the first blogs I ever found, back when the Chebs was just a wee babe. I love her style of writing and the fact that she is so open and honest about everything.

6. Melissa at So It Goes: I found Melissa on the January round of ICLW and I just love her blog and her thoughts and how she is a sweetheart.

7. Erin/E_Sharp at Carrying a Crystal Box: This is another blogger I found when I first started mine and was a lurker during her TTC..until I read one day that she was PG!! I felt like it happened to me!! She is just so thankful for her miracle and I love reading her daily.

8. Kate at Lost in Taipei: I also found Kate from January ICLW and we bonded instantly over our love of profanity. She is fantastic!

9. Sassy at Eye Heart Internet: Found Sass on the last round of ICLW and you guys, her writing is like listening to a song. It draws you in, you feel like you are right there listening to her talk, and with every curve life throws at her, she takes it w/understanding, whether she really understands or not.

10. Gina at On the Road to Baby: Now, she's already been nominated for this award, but I feel like she deserves it twice. She's a wonderful person and a phenomenal blogger.

Okay, thats my list. I super heart everyone I am following and I hope no one feels left out. And I cannot believe *I* was nominated for this list! Yay, people really are reading!!

Things have been up and down the last two days. We've just kind of been at each other and I think part of my problem is that EVERYONE around me is getting PG or having babies and I DO NOT want to wait. Seriously, I know now isn't the *best* time and that having a baby does not marital problems solve, but STILL. Also, I am FOR SURE going to see the doc asap because this spotting/cramping/moodiness bullshit is NOT working for me. I don't know what I need. I hate the GYN w/a passion, esp. the stirrups, but we have to do something if we want things to be on course in June..Also, internet, this is a secret, but after all the "using protection" talk, the hub hasn't been too keen on having sex. And I've been exhausted so it hasn't bothered me TOO much. And I understand why he doesn't want to, but at the same time, I don't think going unprotected is the best decision and I've explained why to him..So any suggestions? Part of me doesn't want to use any either, but I know, shit, I don't know what I know.

Notice Anything Different?

So I went to LeeLou cause I was getting the itch to change the blog..since I can't currently move any furniture, and guess what?! They had new blog layouts! Yay! I thought this one looked pretty springy, so here it is? Do you like it? I think it's great and just had to share that LeeLou is the best!!!

"Something" is Going On

The interview went okay..thank you for all you well-wishes. It would be a PHENOMENAL place to work, the facility is amazing and the technology they are using is so advanced. I think I interviewed well, unfortunately the girl that went in right before me (and I say girl cause she was all of 18) was the daugther of someone who already works there, so I think its safe to say at least on position is taken. They are offering 4 positions and there will be more offered in about 2 mos. because they are opening a new location. I feel okay about the interview. I don't think it's a lock, but what is meant to be will be. BUT, it did make me realize I really need to job hunt. Not because my job is bad, but because Im not using the majority of the skills I paid damn near $20K for and I really miss giving injections, doing vitals, drawing blood etc. And I don't want to forget how to do it. So we'll see how this pans out. I should know by next week.

On the AF front, she never has shown. I've had reddish/brownish discharge every other day for the last week, so I don't know what that is all about. I've been crampy and hormonal it seems like forever, like right now Im bloated and crampy. Tell me why my husband still thinks Im pregnant!? Im like PLEASE let it go before I deck you. He was all kinds of on my nerves last night. I don't know if it was because work was stressful or what, but he was driving me NUTS!

Anyway, my car still has that flat, and AAA should be on their way so I need to go get dressed so I can head over and drop some money at Car-X. Fantastic.

More tonight Im sure as the hub is working a security job and I'll feel the need to update everyone on the mundane things I do all day.

Semi-Big News

So I know it's like 4 am, but I went to bed *early* (10:40 pm) and now Im awake..Nice, I love that my body is so screwy. But I have news that is a semi-big deal and I cannot believe I forgot to add it....You know the lady that called from the Heart Hospital? Well I finally talked to her yesterday and she said "we want to get you in here for an interview as soon as possible." I was like "really?" And she said yep, how about tomorrow at 4:30? So, I have the interview today at 4:30. I am mega pumped. I think working there would be amazing and I think it would involve a pay increase, no more 90 hour work weeks and benefits. That works for me. I'll let you how it goe this evening.

Also in the big news category, we must really have some friends praying because my husband passed the polygraph w/flying colors Wednesday! He is scheduled for the physical examination next THURSDAY!! You guys, he is ONE test away from the academy. I am SO excited. Also, I don't know if you all have been sending subliminal good marriage thoughts our way, but things have been really good the last few days. I know that doesn't make everything perfect. But we are making plans to go away for your 6 mo. anniversary and plans to head to Gulf Shores this summer..those are future plans folks, something I was struggling to make just a week ago. I think your advice, coupled w/me taking a real hard look at the situation helped. I am feeling cautiouslyoptimistic.

And on the tails of good news, there has to be bad. Moo's great grandpa, Paps, died on March 1st. The viewing & funeral were yesterday and it was akward to be there. I (and the hub) are more family to that little girl then a LOT of people in that room. Seriously, we've been told that by her mamaw & papaw (who are raising her) and when got there, she ran right to me and would'nt let me put her down. She didn't want ANYONE else holding her or kissing her or hugging her or anything. She wanted me to go w/her to see paps in his casket, and wanted to talk to me about why he was "sleeping." It was akward because it's like I can feel her family boring holes ino the back of my head thinking who is she and what is she doing here? I had to to leave while she was distractd so she wouldn't throw a fit. She probably did anyway. Also, my car, the one I just put $115 into 3 weeks ago, a new wheel and tire, has a f-in FLAT. Now we have to tow it in and pay money to have it fixed. Awesome!!

Okay, Im gonna go back to bed and try to get some more sleep. I'll let you know about the interview tonight.

Rambly

Sorry about the unconnectedness of my thoughts in the last post..let me clarify

-We use an outside billing corporation to bill our patients. It's not very good because we don't have access to it from the office, which is exceedingly unhelpful when patients want to make a payment or want to know their balance. So w/the new billing company, we will have direct axcess to a patients balance at any given time, it is SO much better and everything will be on OUR office computers as well as the billig companies. So if we have questions, then they can walk us through everything. It's a good system.
-With the offer of a job interview, it will be at the Heart Hospital which is cardio-thoracic, which I actually had a chance to extern at, but I was REALLY bad with that system of the body. So, I don't know how great I'll be if I do take the job, and I don't know what it entails, but I am excited to find out.
-I figured it was an evap line, and Im gonna go w/the BFN I got w/the first am urine today cause thats probably the correct answer. But F those HPT's for even allowing those to happen. It should be 2 lines or NO lines. But now is not the time to be PG anyway. So thats okay.

Does that clear things up a little bit? Sometimes I get my thoughts going and I tend to ramble incoherently cause Im typing as fast as I think. I just went on a HUGE cleaning binge that Im going to finish on Saturday (cause thats the next time I have a free moment). Also, please pray for he hub. Tomorow, he has his polygraph at 11am. We are really hoping it goes SUPER well (I know it will because he doesnt have any major secrets).

Okay

So here's what I was thinking. As of now, most of my life generally BLOWS, but this is my blog and I feel like I should be able to get shit out here. And get advice and support and running away will not help and not being able to blog I feel like is making it worse. So, I am gonna blog, and think I was having a pity me moment earlier. So I currently am stalled TTC, this is probably a blessing in disguise, and there are people out there worse off then me that need friendship and love and support. So Im gonna *try* to leave my pity party and live life. So, thank you, thank you, thank you for all the comments and love. I can literally feel it through my blogger dashboard. Sometimes, all I need is to come here and see those, and the day is better. So Im gonna kind let you know things that are going on. Hopefully my family doesnt find this, but if they do, oh well.

BULLETS(you know I heart them)

• My marriage is rocky and pretty much Im the only that thinks that. The hub, in a river in Egypt called De-Nial. He absolutely shuts down when I try to talk about things or becomes SO clingy I cannot even breathe. I have nothing bad to say about him nor will I ever bad-mouth him, because Im pretty sure 80% of the problem lies w/me. I am going to go to counseling and see where that leads us. He doesnt want to go, but he has some issues that he needs to deal with as well. I feel like that if he doesnt want to deal w/things now, and this is our marriage potentially on the line, then what? I cannot FORCE him to go, and Im no good w/ultimatums. So right now, Im taking care of me and trying to make sure he's as happy as possible. I've talked to my mom and she said therapy is something I needed to do a few years ago (true) and that maybe I should've figured these issues out BEFORE getting married (also true) but as the lovely and wonderful Aramelle stated, "in a perfect world, yes these things would have been figured out b/f you got married. It's not a perfect world and you didn't know you felt this way. There's not a damn thing to do about so let that go before you drive yourself crazy." So thats the plan. Therapy for me.
• On top of the stress of trying not to destroy my marriage, my job is RIDICULOUS. Now I LOVE getting overtime, I dont love not getting paid for it. And my boss is strapped for money because he JUST realized we are in a recession and he can longer live as a neurosugeon on a chiropractors salary, and is like a crack addict trying to find the next buck. Its sad, and at the same time I really have no sympathy because while he is trying to cut hours, which can't happen w/all his newgrand plans, he isn't paying his staff correctly. So, no sympathy here. Also, he wants to get this new billing department, which sounds AMAZING and so 21st century(he's had trouble getting there) but it involves about 20 more hour per week for KL and I and that means, obviously, overtime. I think in my last pay period I worked 100 hours, I got paid for 87 of them, and 7 of that was OT pay. So you see where adding 20 extra hours a week isn't gonna work for me (or KL for that matter, she's salaried, so that sucks even more). He told us not to ask for raises, but the work that is involved w/the new billing company means 1 of 2 things has to happen, 1) a raise (since Im working well below what MA's in Indiana get paid, and doing MORE) or 2) paying me my overtime. KL agrees and we will bring it up eventually. He constantly is throwing tantrums or talking about how everyone better have a good attitude in HIS office or else. Don't threaten me. I know Im not indispensable, but if I leave and you want to do all this new stuff, your fucked. And don't act like a 3yo. The only person w/a shitty attitude is YOU.
• And thinking of leaving, for my last class at IBC we had to apply to some jobs on careebuilder.com, which I did, even though I had a job to go to. I even did some extras so I wouldn't have to go to a career fair. So toda,while Im taking a nap, I get a phone call from the Indiana Heart Hospital's Cardiac Care Center...............They want to INTERVIEW me!!!! OMG. That would be amazing. Now granted, the cardio-thoracic system is one I struggled w/very much in school. But working for teh Heart Hospital, would be an experience I don't think I could pass up. Esp. because Im pretty sure it involves benefits, being paid for my overtime and working less then 100 hours per week. I called them back and left a message. If I dont hear back by tomorrow, I'll call them again. I would love to at least go interview and see what they have to offer.
• AF never has shown up. I had some light spotting last Thursday, but never anything major or AFish. I hate that whore. I was doing so well, normal length cycles etc. I seriously think the stress of work & marriage are at fault. I have felt crampy on & off, but nothing. Now, let me tell you something VERY odd. Sunday night I had a massive migraine and nauseau and I had ONE hpt left in the closet. So being the obsessive that I am, I peed on it and walked away. I figured, um nothing is gonna come of this because i peed on one a week before..See post entitled BFN. Well I came back, maybe 1 hour later, and there was the test line and one VERY faint pink line. Im talking, you needed a flashlight to see it. WTF!? The day after we decide to put TTC on hold, I get this? I havent had 2 lines since b/f the m/c in December. SoI just leave it, dont say anything to the hub and just pretend Im not about to puke. So I go back upstairs around 12am and the line is DARKER. So of course, this time I wake up my sleeping hub and show him, which he sees nothing (cause it darker, it was STILL really light) and I even take a pic of it to try to post on here (don't have the right cable thing) and I can see 2 lines. So Im half excited/half in dread because of the above mentioned marital problems. Now would probably be the WORST time to get pregnant, but maybe God's got jokes. So, yesterdy I buy like the 4 pack of hpts and pee on one as soon as I get home. BFN, no trying to see a 2nd line, that test is not playing around. But the first one, still 2 albeit faint lines (oh also, my ovulation test was positive, does that count?) SO I took another one w/my 1st am urine (that just sounds gross) also a BFN. So I guess I said all that to say this, I got a "just kidding" BFP and I dont know what that means. I dont really have any symptoms that couldn't also be related to starting AF or the stress (exhaustion, no appetite, crampy, boobs sore, different discharge <--sorry for that TMI). So I guess,Im fake PG. Nice. And seriously, I would NEVER not want to bePG, ever, because you know how badly I want to be a momma, but right now, would be very bad timing...But if I am, it happened b/f the bottom dropped out, for those who are wondering why we are having *unsafe* sex if we are also having marriage issues. At the same time, Im still sad that Im not PG, a *surprise* would have been welcome, but I KNOW it's not the right time. Any ideas on the test though? I know false + are not very common but they do happen, but then 2 - in a row kind of sealed the deal. If I dont have AF by the end of the month, I'll test again, and then when thats negative, I'll go to the doc to get Provera. Awesome. Im tempted just to go back on BC cause I know I'll have regular cycles, but it messed my system up so much and took almost a year to get regular, so pass on that.
• There's more, but making dinner calls. Just cause I have no appetite doesnt mean the hub can survive on one meal a day.

Still Here

Im still here, and Im reading and following you guys, I just, can't bring myself to write anything. I know right now is NOT a good time to get pregnant, but having to WAIT again, makes me want to throw a fit and this blog started as one about my life, then my married, then having a baby, now, it's just stalled. And Im sad. So, posting might be sporadic,but Im here, and I'll be okay...maybe.