Loving Life

So far this weekend has been a blast..making me love life even more...We started w/Moo's Preschool graduation on Thursday night..It was so bittersweet. My baby isn't a baby anymore, she's a kindergartener, and all I could think of was that her mom & dad SHOULD have been there to celebrate this beautiful girl. But they're not, and they never will be. But I promise you, and her, and her mamaw & papaw, we WILL be at every graduation, celebration, play, sporting event, etc. I don't care where we are, we'll be there. DH & I cannot believe that she will be graduating high school as the class of 2023!!! That is insane to even think about. Friday night we got our gal, and went to my parents for dinner and swimming..We also took Miss Allie & she and Moo had a blast playing in the backyard..

Yesterday, we went to the 94th Annual 500 Festival Parade. It is so good every single year!! This year was no exception..It was BLISTERING hot, and I got everyone sunscreened up..except myself. Now Im sporting a wicked sunburn. It hurts, a lot. Jeez. But now I have a start on my tan for the beach..Yeah. I know I'll just get resunburned there. But the floats were so cool, the Butler Bulldogs were the grand marshals, the bands were amazing (and HOT, a few of the kids were headed towards heat stroke.) We had picnic style food, lots of drinks, and some slushies. I just love it. And it was so cool because it was our whole family (well minus my dad since he had to work the parade).

Last night, E had to work overnight in Z-Ville, so this morning, Moo & I got up and had a girls day, so he could get some sleep. We went shopping, "did lunch" and then came home and took a nap. We just got back from the pool, which was SO crowded, but felt so good, and now DH is grilling dinner. Im just loving everything right now..and I think it's because I keep remembering how badly everything sucked this time last year. Im just so glad we made it through that part, to get to the good stuff we have now. The only icing on the cake would be a baby..But for now, it's all good =)

Tomorrow, there is a huge cookout at my parents house, w/swimming, great food, and family. Im pretty excited about this as well..Oh, and granddog gets to go too =)

Hope all of you are having a wonderful weekend..and I'll have a post full of pictures soon..

PS: Here's a little teaser of our weekend...

Our girl is on the far left..blonde hair, top step =)

And here she is w/her "diploma."

That's a big driver!!

The Butler Bulldogs!!!!!

The start of the 94th Annual 500 Festival Parade...

 

Must Vent or Head Will Explode!!!

I bet you can already guess what this is about...The SIL & AF..You are correct..

OMG, the SIL is being such a bridezilla. I wish you got a pass, once a day to just bitch slap the hell out of someone w/o consequences. Now, Im sure, I'd be someone's bitch slap of choice, but she would be mine, every day this week. Maybe a double today. I just don't understand some of her decisions, let's take for instance the newest "choice." She now wants to have a bridal party "head table." Im not a fan of these, I think they are very 1986 and nowadays most people have a sweetheart table and the bridal party sits w/their family or whomever. For instance, E & I have each other, and our gal, Moo. <--Is also in the wedding as a flower girl (she's the only one who hasn't been demoted, lol). So she states who will be sitting at the table..it's all the attendants, plus their dates (even if they aren't "serious) and no Moo. Ummm..what!? I asked her where Moo is supposed to sit, alone by herself or..Wtf? She asked if my parents are coming..To your wedding!? Are you inviting them? Apparently, she is, just in case we needed someone to watch Moo. Umm..so I was offended..Is that dumb? I am not comfortable not having Moo sit w/us @ the "head" table. She is part of the wedding as well..Also, Im not comfortable having my parents just sit w/no one they know. Thats just weird. I figured E, Moo, & I would sit w/them if she were inviting them..I told her as much, and she said "well worst case scenario, I guess she can sit at the table.." WTF!? That's not the "worst" case scenario. Ugh. And the dress thing came up again, which I told her, no I had not ordered or chosen a dress. She didn't ask why, I figure she knows by now. Im not wearing something that makes me look like an encased sausage. Seriously. Gah. This wedding is over 6mos away and it's already driving me bananas. Can't wait till she's freaking out 6 wks before. Hopefully, I'll be PG by then and in my own little world.

AF..is a dirty little whore. But Im glad she's shown up, on her own w/o any prodding, for the last 3 mos. Im like cycling. Like a real person. Wow. Buuuuut..Im ovulating all kinds of whack-a-doo. CD 1 in March was on the 8th, CD 1 in April was on the 4th (so I guess thats semi-close) then in CD 1 in May was the 27th. So that's way off. I think I O'ed during my surgery recovery (otherwise known as NO SEX for 2 weeks) so it wouldn't have mattered this month, but STILL. And I called Dr. J's to let them know I started on my own, and his PA called me back and wanted to put me on BC for my surgery at the end of June...Ummm..are you serious!? Don't these people have charts when they call patients? I know we do!! I re-explained that I can't have BCP's cause of my clotting disorder and that we had rescheduled my surgery, if needed, for the end of August. WTF? Is it weird that I feel like this is shit I shouldn't have to re-explain? The PA is the one that RESCHEDULED the surgery FOR ME. Just makes me feel kind of lost. But she did hook me up w/a phone conference w/Dr. J next Thursday so we can discuss our summer baby makin plans. She said he'll most likely want to see me, but the next available appt. was July 15th, so pass on that. Oh, and the cramps? Big time fun..But Dr. J did see fit to call me in some Vicodin..so hip hip hooray for that. Im just glad she old skank decided to come now, instead of on the beach in 2 weeks. That would've been great times for everyone..Omg, that means I'll be ovulating while we're on vacay. Wouldn't that be perfect. To get KU'ed then!? I'd be pumped =)

Okay..finishing up my work so we can get this great weekend started. Oh and pictures to follow asap of graduation last night. I bawled. Bawled over my gal..Gah. She's not a babeh anymore!!

Bad Blogger, Bad Bad!!

I know, give me my slap on the wrist..I deserve it. Things have just been crazy w/work, Im just beat when I get home..So here is an update..in bullets (cause you know I love them)..

• On the SIL front, I sent her a heartfelt email, cause I was sick of texting..and told her I had no problem hosting a low key shower, but that we are 6mos out and I didn't want to plan anything right now. Also, that I wouldn't be doing it alone, and that I didn't want it to come back and bite me in the ass since her mandate of "no one has special duties." The email I received back was baffling. DH finally realized how crazazazy she is. She listed 4 reason why she did NOT want a shower, then went on about what kind of shower she wanted. WTF!? Are you serious?! She also said that she asked me about the shower because, since she's having 3 "honor" attendants, she didn't want me to feel shafted. WTF!? At this point my mind is just blown. And she asked if I was "hurt" by her honor attendant situation. I never responded, still haven't. I am hurt, but it doesn't matter and I know it. At this point, Im really ready to bow out completely. This is just ridiculous. But that would cause MORE issues, and I have to deal w/this person for the next 50-60 years..I am the first person in her life to call her out on her BS and to tell her NO. Even her fiance doesn't tell her no. No one ever has. That's not my game. I don't play like that. You are almost 28 years old. It's time to grow the f*ck up. Seriously. So, for now, Im having a shower, but not making any plans..cause you know she'll change her mind before November. Also, thank you all so, SO much for your words of wisdom and support. It's really nice to know that Im not crazy, and that everyone else can she is nuttier than squirrel poop.
• On the TTC front..I figured I wouldn't cycle this month due to the surgery in April. I had been on pretty regular cycles (well on my own March & April) and the day after I call Dr. J to get some prometrium, AF shows up all on her own!! Im happy and sad about this. Apparently, the metformin/surgery is doing it's job, but it's f*cking painful and it also means Im not pregnant. I called to have a "phone conference" w/Dr. J, but he didn't have time and I felt really put off. I want to talk w/him about us trying this summer, and I just feel like Im at a standstill, again. Im apparently ovulating on my own, so I need to know where we go from here. I don't want the surgery (but I did reschedule it for the end of August, if need be), and at this point, I just need some advice on how to go. Do we need special meds, track ovulation, etc? I want to know that we are being monitored. I don't think I can handle another m/c and at the same time, I have no idea when I ovulate. It seems to change every month. Oh, and the cramps that were supposed to go away w/the endo removal? Not so much. If this surgery was worthless, Im gonna be pissed.
• Today is a big ol day...DH & I met & had our first date on this day, 3 years ago..I remember that day like it was yesterday..I think I loved him from our first date on..Took him a little while longer though to realize we were meant to be =) We got engaged 4 months to the date later..yay. Also, Miss Moo "graduates" from preschool tonight..That means she will officially be a kindergartener..OMG. She's not a baby anymore. Im a little bit freakin out. And Im sad, cause her parents should be the ones celebrating this w/her..But in a way, Im glad it's DH &I. We love her so much. Such a big girl!!
• This weekend..Im so pumped!! Moo is coming over tomorrow, we are picking her up at my parents house, probably have dinner there..Then Saturday is the 500 Festival Parade, and Sunday is the big race, and Monday, no work and a cook out at my parents house. I just love 3 day weekends.. Especially one's spent w/my DH & the Moo.
• We are going to Gulf Shores!! The 2nd week of June..my mom, dad, DH, me & Moo. I am so pumped!! So far, the oil is not a threat. The beaches look gorgeous and the water is as clear as ever. The only downside is that when you make reservations, you have to buy the insurance..which jacks up the condo cost, but it's worth it. If there's any kind of emergency, including oil spill, then we get our money back..Hopefully, thats not the case. We need some beach time!!
• Off to comment..cause I've been so lax =)

SIL Drama-Ugh

I need some advice..Here is the situation in bulleted formation..

• SIL is getting married on NYE 2010 (12-31)
• It is her 2nd marriage...she's been engaged 3x in the last 3 years..To different guys
• They are living together, so they have everything they need.
• She chose me to be her matron of honor back in January, and she wasn't going to have any other attendants. Also, her fiance, chose E (my DH) to be his best man.
• In March, she chose 2 other "friends" (the term used loosely) to be bridesmaids..
• At the beginning of April she & her fiance told E that they didn't want him to be the "only" best man. That C was choosing 2 other guys & they would all be "best men"
• Earlier this month, she informed me that her other 2 friends would be Maids of Honor and I would be the Matron of Honor. She basically said, in an email, that her friends were more important then me, and that she didn't want anyone to have "special duties" or feel like they were more important then anyone else.
• I asked her if she wanted a shower & a bachelorette party, which I had no problem hosting when I was the MOH..She informed me that no, she was "uncomfortable" w/the idea of a shower, but a bachelorette party would be fun. Okay, so no shower. Fine.
• Im trying to just stay neutral and engaged her about other topics of conversations, which she will NOT do. It's all.about.her.wedding. And Im wrong no matter what I do. If I agree w/her, it's too much, if I don't, Im a bitch. And she talks to DH and tells him how Im ignoring her, etc. WTF?
• So we haven't talked in a week and out of the blue I get a text that says "what day were you thinking for my shower?" Umm, seriously?! E says that her other 2 friends cant/dont want to pay for a shower, so she went to her last resort...me.
• Now what?! I reminded her she didn't want anyone to feel "special" and didn't want a shower. She said now she does, that it's "part" of having a wedding. I asked if the other 2 would be "helping out" and she said "possibly." WTF!? No matter what I say, it will be wrong.
• So here's where you come in. What would you do? W/all the stuff I've given you, I need advice This is getting ridiculous. Thank you in advance.

ICLW Intro-May 2010 (99 Things)

Okay, so this month's intro is a day late & a dollar short, I know, but I was exhausted last night. Let me first introduce you to the players...
Me: Moo-Ma/Mai/MJ..The wife, and hopfully soon, momma. Im 27, my favorite color is purple, and lately, I've been having *big* jealousy issues..
DH: Also known as E. The husband, reserve police officer, hardworkin, man of the house. He's 25, tall, blonde and handsome =) He's in 3 different proceses to become a FT police officer.
Allie: Our bad, loving Boxer dog. She is hilarious, and spoiled rotten. We're such big fans, that we want another one.
Moo-Moo: The little girl we have "adopted." Her dad is a druggie, in & out of jail, constantly in trouble, not at all in her life (usually).  Her mom committed suicide (drug OD) 1 mo b/f her 2nd birthday. She was my student when I was a preschool teacher, and she has just so naturally fit into our lives. She is thick as thieves w/DH, and my parents spoil her like crazy.


I stole this from the wonderful Rain Child..

99 Things About Me...Those that are BOLD, I've done/experienced..

1. Started your own blog – On May 2, 2007..Just a few days over 3 years ago =)


2. Slept under the stars - Does in a tent count? We used to camp, all the time, when I was a kid.
3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii-Soon, I hope!!

5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity

7. Been to DisneyWorld- Twice, and next summer, we are taking Moo..

8. Climbed a mountain- If you're new here, you need to know that we visit the Smoky Mountains at least twice a year..And my family used to go all the time when I was a kid. I've climbed Klingman's Dome 4x, and Mt. LaConte 1x.

9. Held a praying mantis-Twice, the first time, in 5th grade, I caught it in our backyard, took it to school, my teacher told me it was "endangered" and made me put it outside. What a ding dong. The last time was at work last summer, there was a HUGE on on the window of my work. It was awesome!! (They still kind of freak me out though, those and Walking Sticks).

10. Sang a solo - I've done this a couple times at my church. I get super nervous everytime.
11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightning storm- We leave in 3 wks for the beach..Those lightening storms are the best!!

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child- Does it count that I am an adopted child?

16. Had food poisoning- More then once, the latest time was 2 weeks ago, right after my surgery from Chinese food, ugh!!

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables -We are actually growing tomatoes this summer in one of those upside down planter thingies..I don't even like them, but I wanted to try my hand at growing something!!

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight- Seriously? Who hasn't? Even our dog (Allie) does w/the DH

22. Hitch-hiked

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill -Nope, I know, makes me seem like a goody-two-shoes..But Im ill enough, w/o having to take days off when Im well..Just this year, 2 kidney infections, 2 ER visits, 1 surgery, 1 endoscopy, 2 kidney infections, pneumonia. Yeah. Im lucky to still have a job.

24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a lamb- At the Indiana State Fair, they have a baby petting zoo, and you can hold baby cows, piglets, lambs etc. It was so, so awesome to get Moo to do it last year!!

26. Gone skinny dipping- In my parents hot tub...when they were on vacation..in my college days.. =)

27. Run a Marathon -Hahaha, run!! Bahaha!!

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse-Yep, 2 once in third grade and once when I was 20 or 21.

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset - Yes. I love doing this from our patio..And in G-Burg, and in Gulf Shores.

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person- Yep, and it was AMAZING!! And so loud..you wouldn't believe the noise!!

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors- Well, since Im adopted, Im not exactly sure where my ancestors hail from, but my adopted family is German, and I visited Germany in 2001..Right before 9/11.

35. Seen an Amish community- Upland, Indiana. Most boring trip of my life. I know. But still, I was 12 and didn't get the significance. I've also been to Amish country in Pennesylvania.

36. Taught yourself a new language- I didn't teach myself, but I speak Spanish..

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied - Yes, but that was when I was young, and had no bills to pay. DH & I would love to get there.

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt- Yep, one of the camping trips w/my family took us out West for 6wks. Seeing all the geysers was amazing. But they smell SO BAD!! It's the Sulfur. Terrible, but gorgeous!! Oh and there was one you could put your feet in, the water was so hot, but so clear. You could see the whole 100 ft. down to the bottom.

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant-Does it count if I gave a stranger my meal? Last March, I was pregnant and having some serious morning sickness..We went to a fancy resteraunt to celebrate E's mom's bday...and the food was really good, but the smell made me sick, so I didn't eat. On the way back to the car, there was a homeless man, and I gave him my food.

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight- Yes, and in 3 wks, I plan on doing it every night..It's romance interrupted w/screams of  "Moo-Ma, I found a crab!!!"

46. Been transported in an ambulance - Yep. Never for myself, but twice for my preschool students.

47. Had your portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling- Snorkeling, love it. Again, plan on doing it in 3 wks (even if I have to snorkel through oil)

52. Kissed in the rain-Dude, one of my favorite things

53. Played in the mud- Did that this morning w/DH & doggie. We've had torrential downpours here for the last week..even the grass is mud.
54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen- My family used to do this every year on Thanksgiving Day, and we also delivered meals to home bound people.

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies - Top seller, 3 years in a row!! Holla!! ;)
62. Gone whale watching- This was one of the most amazing things I've ever done. To see them so close, and to see how agile they are..It was way cool. My dad, on the other hand, umm, was sick the whole time. And DH wants to go, but he has the same problem as dear old dad.

63. Got flowers for no reason - Yep. Thanks DH =)

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma- My high school had a blood drive every other Friday..I gave..Im O+..Thats how I found out Im the universal donor, but I can only receive O+..So weird!!

65. Gone sky diving-Never in my life, ever. NO.

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check- Oh jeez. Yes. But not since 2006.

68. Flown in a helicopter- Yep, in Germany. Almost scarier then it was cool.

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy- I still have the first teddy bear my parents gave me when we met..Pinky. And Herbert, my first frog.

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten Caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades- Also, exceptionally cool..and a tad bit frightening..The gators are HUGE!!

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone - Do ribs count? A nose? Ribs=2x, Nose=4x

78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper- Yep, a few times, the opening of the new zoo, the 500 festival parade, our wedding announcement.

85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chickenpox - I've had chicken pox AND shingles..The shingles are no joke. They hurt SO much!!

89. Saved someone’s life

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous- Does a Nascar driver count as famous? What about the Mayor of Indianapolis?

92. Joined a book club

93. Got a tattoo

94. Had a baby - No, but soon, please please.

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a law suit

98. Owned a cell phone- Umm, who hasn't? We don't even have a landline, we use our cells for everything.

99. Been stung by a bee- 3x..The worst, in between my ring and pinky fingers. Ouch!!

Sticker Shock

You can get this from the price tag of a Gucci purse to the price tag of a new (or used) car..I never thought we'd get this from IF...We did, this weekend to be exact.

$18, 974.36.......that's how much less then 8hrs in the hospital cost.
$345/mo (that's 60 pills )...Glumetza..because there is no generic..
$445/visit..To Dr. J's office
$200 and up..For a 7 day supply of non-generic Lovenox (for when we get PG)
About $23,000...for the lap & oopherectomy (ovary removal) they want to do in 4 wks.

Now, after your done choking at the sticker price (as I did for a good 5 minutes after receving the bills this weekend), here is the EXTRAORDINARY good news

$808.00....how much we owe out of pocket for less then 8hrs in the hospital
$30...how much the generic for Glucophage, which is the main component of Glumetza (and for me, the drug is Metformin) costs w/insurance
$25 copay..OOP for Dr.J..and they bill us for that, they don't do "in office" copays
About $100...for a 2wk supply of Lovenox w/insurance
About $1000...how much we will owe OOP for the next surgery w/insurance

Umm, I have never in my life appreciated my husband's insurance more then I do right now. Or, when my boss, KL, told me she has major gallstones, she has to have surgery, and can't because her deductible and OOP are so high..because our office doesn't offer health insurance and her husband is unemployed. The surgery will have to wait for her, in hopes that nothing goes wrong. I don't know what we would do w/o it. I guess you learn to live w/the pain. I had no idea that A) I had endo & B) that I had an ovary issue. I just lived w/the almost constant pain. I am lucky to have such a great doctor and caring RE staff, and to have insurance, that although, $800 is a lot of money, it's a small price to pay compared to the almost $20K we'd have to pay w/o it. But...the cost of the other surgery is the proverbial nail in the coffin for rescheduling the surgery. If it wasn't going to be so much money OOP so SOON after my last surgery, we could probably swing it. But we don't have an extra $1800 (or more) laying around (well, not after vacation). So Im gonna call tomorrow, reschedule, hopefully get some prometrium to kick start AF (oh yes she did skip town this month after showing up like clockwork the last 2), and try to get a "plan" for this summer on how we can maybe (?) conceive on our own..I'll keep you updated.

Im Here =)

Sorry to be missing for a few days..I just haven't felt like posting since we got the news on Monday..plus, for some reason, I totally forgot that I *must* take the metformin w/FOOD. I was hellaciously sick all day Tues/Wed because I didn't do this. So dumb. I also think that because I didn't take it at all over the weekend, starting w/3 on Monday night was a bad idea. So Im gonna do 1 for the next 2 nights, and move up each night..Gradually work my way back to 3. Ugh. It's been a week of setbacks.

I've also reached a decision (I think) regarding the surgery. We really, really want to go on our family vacation this summer..and I have basically zero days off except for my vacation days. I think we need the vacation, plus, it's our family bonding time, and we don't want to skip it. So, on Monday, Im gonna call Dr. J, ask him if it's going to do any harm by keeping it in, and reschedule the surgery to late August-early September. Hopefully he says it's okay (minus the fact that Im in almost constant pain) and he can even start us on a protocol to hopefully get PG over the summer. I just don't want to wait and I really don't want the surgery. I've had the pain since I started my periods, so whats 3-4 more months? Hopefully he'll keep me on the Tramadol (had to step down from the Vicodin, that made me so nauseated and tired.) And Im so worried about something happening to the right ovary. We don't have the money right now to use donor eggs, and I don't know if you can do that if you have no ovaries. I guess all you need is a working uterus and vajayjay. We'll see how it goes.

Thank you for all of your kind words of support and love. It means the world to me. I just feel like we're in a rut. From being w/a lame RE for 4 months, to being w/an awesome one, who doesn't want to do anything yet. Ugh. Im just ready to be PG.

On the SIL front, I've just let it go. I really, really want to send her an email telling her how hurt I am, but at this point, I don't know that it'd make a difference. But seriously, when she started all this wedding stuff, it was her and I & she wanted to do the "sister" thing and we were..but just like i told DH, I wasn't gonna get to close because she's been known to be two-faced...and she proved me right. As soon as everything wasn;t going her way & I didn't 100% agree w/her, she was a b*tch. Right now, Im not buying a dress or anythng because by the end of the summer, I may not even be in this wedding. Hope she knows that if she "kicks" me out, DH won't be in it & neither will Moo (did I tell you that her fiance decided 2 wks ago that he didn't want E to be the "only" best man..wtf?! and Moo is the flower girl, and they've added another one, wonder if they'll want her not to have a "title" either). So dumb. I just can't stand this kind of f*ckery.

Okay, hubby & doggie are waiting for me outside..time for our walk =)

I'll Give You 3 Guesses...

And the first two don't county...


Guess who got to go to her post-op appointment today and found out she has to have more, invasive, surgery?!?!??



Did you guess me?!?!? Ding ding ding.


Dr. J. informed that he was 97% sure my left ovary needs to be removed. Do you hear me? My fucking OVARY needs to be REMOVED!!!! What. The. Fuck. So what happens when the right one goes kaput? I'll have a worthless uterus. Apparently, my ovary isn't even in the right body cavity. It is sitting outside of my pelvis and has adhered itself back onto my bowel (which is what is causing me SO much pain, so much.) Do you think you can be so stunned you just laugh? Cause I did. Seriously. People have babies all the time. Not me. I have to have some of my baby making organs REMOVED because they are caustic to my body. I asked what would be the consequences if I didn't do this surgery, and he said "you'll be in this kind of pain, and probably not ovulate regularly, for the rest of your life." Kids, thats a long time to be in this kind of pain. And he said my fertility will actually improve because he doesn't think Im even ovulating from that side, so if I only have one ovary, then that is the one that will produce the eggs every month. Great. The bottom line is, Im 27 year old, and Im having something done that my mom didn't have until she was 40. FORTY. My body is fighting itself. Organs are attaching to the wrong things and are in the wrong place. Part of me hopes I don't have daughters, that way, they won't have to go through this shit. WTF did I do for this to be my life? All DH & I wanted to do was have a baby. Now I feel like my body is making decisions for me, and I have no control. Im sick. I've been in denial all day. I don't want MORE surgery, that has the potential to be super invasive. I cannot afford to miss more work. I have one week of vacation, that we were actually gonna use for...vacation. Now, probably not. And we need our weeklong trip to the shore. Dr. J told me the thought it was important to take time off. HELLO. I would too if I were making the salary of a RE. But Im a medical assitant who has limited time off. I don't know that I can do this. I don't know that I can make this huge of a choice. What happens next? Im so scared, I don't know what to do. And surgery..yeah..first available..June 24th..so I have 6 wks to worry about this. I thought we'd be PREGNANT in 6 weeks. No, I'll be recovering from another surgery, that has the chance to hinder me getting pregnant at all..Oh, and for shits & gigs, the SIL decided to throw it into turbo, crazy, asshole bitch this weekend. I can't even go into all of her drama because it makes me so angry and hurt. Im gonna loose and ovary dickweed, sorry your BRIDESMAID dresses aren't my top priority. Ugh. I can't type anymore.

So I Don't Forget Later

Things to blog about later, cause I know I will forget, and I know you all *really* want to know =)

SIL Issues:She slammed it into turbo-bitch this weekend..it was awesome.


Post-Op Appt w/Dr. J: Defn. good news since Im having left side pain, like where my fallopian tube/ovaries are located (oh, and AF is late, no, Im not PG, gah).

Mother's Day Cook-Outs and the church service that about broke my heart (as if it wasn't a little shattered already)
 
Okay, Im running late to work..gotta go!!

Mother's Day

"Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother." ~Oprah Winfrey~

I was going to try to not let my emotions get in the way today, but they have & they did, for multiple reasons. The first being that we are neither pregnant, nor parents..The second, is SIL stuff, but that will come at a later post. But I have to tell you what happened Friday, that made me smile, and have to leave the room so a little girl wouldn't see my tears. For the majority of my life, we have gone to the mother/daugther banquet. My grandma, me, my 3 aunts, and their daughters (of which there were none besides me until 2005 and again in 2008) It's always fun, a little kooky, but a good time to spend w/family and just be with women. Not to mention that the "men" (mostly husbands/sons/and brothers) in the church do the cooking for this event. It used to tickle me to be "served" by my dad & grandpa. For the last 3 years, I have taken Moo-Moo..and everyone always asks me the ineveitable "how old is your daughter." This year, Moo-Moo took it in stride, she wasn't shy at all, and was like family. My mom treats her as she would as granddaughter, as does (mostly) everyone else in our family. There are some that still don't understand our relationship w/her nor how important she is in our lives. They never will, so I've stopped trying to explain. Now, let me back up a little bit. DH dropped me off after work on Friday at my mom & dad's house and he went ahead to the church. I was greeted at the door by Moo w/a huge hug and kiss and told "close your eyes." I was led into the kitchen ("no peeking!!") and when I opened my eyes there was the biggest bouquet of orange sunrise roses I had every seen. They.were.gorgeous!! I was just shocked. So I asked Moo what the flowers were for and she said "for you Moo-Moo, because it's Mother's Day." Nonchalantly, like she was mine & I was hers. This little 4 yo girl showed me how much biology doesn't matter. That even if we don't share the same blood, she owns my heart..and from all the I love you's I received from her that night, I think I share hers too. Even if my body doesn't make me a mother, my heart, my love, and God, have made me hers. Forever. Today, I celebrated Mother's Day, I cried over babies we've lost, but I celebrated the fact that to one little girl, I have changed her life, for the better, and she has done the same for me. Moo-Moo, I love you more than life..Thank you for making me a "momma".

I've Got A Feeling..

• That Trinity's good news..is gonna stay that way..Im so excited for her!! Go over and wish her congrats!!
• That tomorrow evening Im gonna feel melancholy & sad. It is the traditional Mother/Daughter banquet at my mom & dad's church. We've gone every year of my life (so it's been going on at least 27 years) and now, for the last 3 years, I've taken Moo-Moo. I feel so happy to have her w/us, but so sad because A) she isn't mine, biologically & B) her mom isn't here to do this kind of stuff w/her . And Im still not a mom or pregnant. If there is one holiday I could skip..Mother's Day would be it. I mean, I love telling my mom how much I love her and making sure she knows how valued she is, but jeez. Every year at the banquet they do "awards" for mom w/the most kids, or mom that traveled the furthest, and undoubtedly, they will do the "newest mom" last year, it was a tie btwn a mom w/a 2 mo old and a mom who had just found out she was 8wks pregnant. That was grand. And my mom is so, SO ready to be a grandma. She has been *dying*to get Moo a pair of rollerskates, so this week, she finally got her a princess pair..plus a helmet & some pads. She is so excited about it. I love that she treats Moo as part of our family..and I am so ready to give her a grandchild. Ugh. Can we just skip this weekend?
• That missing 5 days of work, and only having 2 days of sick pay left (yeah, this year has been rough in the sick time department) is going to hurt the the ol paycheck. Good thing rent was on the last cycle's paycheck. Ugh. I need a second job..lol. I would love to work @ Kohl's or Target..but Im already working (usually) about 50-60hrs per week. Saturday & Sunday are my only days off..Adding another job (even though the discount would ROCK) would prolly put me over the edge. Plus, there are Saturdays (like last week & this week) that I need to work that Im not usually scheduled..Gah. I hate working Saturdays.
• That I have more to post..But Im sleepy..and bed is calling my name =)

10 Years

On May 4, 2000, my grandpa, Robert L. Wolfe Sr. died from Parkinson's disease and liver failure. His last few days were rough on everyone, and I actually didn't go to the hospital to see him, I didn't want to see him and remember him that way..and Im glad I made that decision. It was the first "big" death in my family, and it was really hard on me. I was a junior in high school, and I remember the day it happened because about a week earlier, grandpa had fallen and cracked his head open on the porch at my grandparents house. He never came out of the hospital. No one actually knew that he had liver failure (which the doctors said was caused by the Parkinson's) but we knew that the disease had been eating away at his brain and life for 10 years. But anyway, I was being allowed to call the hospital between each class (no cell phones at school) and I remember sitting in government/econ and just "feeling" that he had died. I ran out of class and called the hospital and couldn't get anybody, and it was just like I knew. I got ahold of of my mom & dad about 20 minutes later, and I was right. At the time I had had that "feeling" he had passed away.

My grandma had recently been diagnosed w/stage 4 breast cancer that had already spread to her lymph nodes..She hadn't had a physical or mammogram in 10 years..even though cancer runs in the family (and maybe because of that). She was always taking care of her inlaws, and grandpa in his last years. She is the true matriarch of the family..She ended up beating the cancer and has been cancer free for almost 10 years..I remember those days right after he passed, and how she was a rock. She was so strong. It was crazy. We all expected her to fall apart, but she never really did. I don't remember a lot about the viewing. I remember that grandpa didn't really look like himself (because of the jaundice) and that was kind of scary, and I remember that all of our family from Georgia, Florida, and Arkansas came and stayed for 3 or 4 days. I remember really bonding w/my Aunts & cousins from Georgia, and actually made plans to fly for the first time to visit them on my Fall Break. I remember that I was dating my first really serious boyfriend, and he broke up w/me the day after my grandpa's funeral..the day after he didn't show up for the service or the viewing..So it was obviously for the better..It's weird the things you remember..I remember that that year 10 men in our church, that were all friends, and like "grandpa's" to me died about 6 wks apart. It was a hard time in our church and w/our family and friends. I actually had some "funeral" outfits at that time. I read a poem, that right now, I couldn't tell you what it was called, but I know that I received it in a card from a lady named Jan on the morning of the funeral and I just felt moved to read it, and I remember just sobbing while I read it. And seeing my daddy crying..I could barely breathe..And everyone told me I was so strong and there was no way they could have done what I did, etc. It was a beautiful service and then we also had a graveside service..well a tomb side service w/a 21 gun salute..It was amazing..Anyway, that long ramble was all to say that I miss my grandpa, and I know everyone else does today..So we are celebrating him today..Love you grandpa!!

Update & Summer Plans

So I ended up running a fever this morning and called Dr. J's office..told them my symptoms..and they "squeezed me in" at 4pm..Which was kind of bad news bears because we were SWAMPED at work this afternoon, but he didn't want me to wait until tomorrow..The good news is, my incisions are healing nicely, albeit slowly, but no infection. Dr. J stated the obvious when he said I have a low pain tolerance (nooo shit) and then..dropped this little gem...I have the flu. Wtf!? Seriously!? The flu!? And he said "isn't it funny how w/your symptoms (nausea, stomach pain, dizziness, fever) my first thought usually would have been, oh it's the flu, but after surgery, your first thought was, omg, infection in my incisions." Which is totally true. Those are all flu symptoms. But I didn't even think of that..and apparently, it's at a really high concentratin in Indiana right now & I most likely contracted it at the hospital..suuuuck. So, as of now, nothing can be done because it's a virus. But he said I am asking waay too much of my body for me to be "healed" in 10 days. He also told me the surgery was way more invasive then a "normal" lap and that it might take 4-6wks for me to not be in pain. So that sucks, but now at least I know it's normal. Apparently they had to remove a ton of endo and adhesions, and obviously, that causes pain. He prescribed more pain meds (thank goodness) and gave me some Zofran for the nausea, unfortunately for me, he forgot to put how many and so I couldn't get that tonight, but I'll get it in the AM. My pharmacist @ CVS pretty much rocks. She is the coolest. So thats where I stand on that. Im supposed to call him in the AM & let him know how Im feeling. I'll keep you updated.

*Added update.. I just realized..I missed my own blogversary..again..It was 3 years (!!!) on May 2nd. I cannot believe I've kept this up for this long. Im so thankful to have this space, where I know I can just come and be me and bitch and complain, and celebrate and laugh..Thank you all!!*

We are trying to make plans for our summer vacation. Since we got married, we usually take 1-2 trips a year w/Moo-Moo & my parents. We make one "big" trip in the summer and maybe 1-2 small ones during the year. Last year we went to Gulf Shores, AL for our big trip, and went to G-Burg in October & again in March. We always have so much fun, and they're not overbearing or weird and it's really fun to travel w/them. So this year, we were planning on going back to GS, but because of the oil spill and depending on how long it takes for it to be cleaned up, there is a chance that the beaches might be closed, and there is no reason to spend that kind of money if we can't use the beach. So we are now looking at Myrtle Beach or Virginia Beach. I am really not a fan of the Atlantic coast. Im partial to the Gulf, but the Atlantic really has craptastic beaches. I know. But still. Im more a fan of VA beach then Myrtle beach. VA is so close to Williamsburg & Jamestown & the boardwalk is so rad. We need to decide soon. We've decided to go the 2nd full week of June, so about 5wks away. Im pretty excited!! Do you know what else I would love to have planned for the summer!? If you guessed a pregnancy, you'd be right. I wish it were that easy. I wish I could plan it & just rely on my body to work and for things to happen. Thinking of that, I asked Dr. J if he thought I'd have a cycle this month, and he said maybe (suck) and if it does happen it will be late. Good. That's just fantastic. Ugh. I was hoping to be PG by Father's Day. That would've been so awesome. Oh well, apparently not.

Okay, Im feeling sleepy and must go watch the Real Housewives of NJ..Guilty pleasure!!

Advice Needed

This will be short, sweet & to the point..Bloggy friends..How long should I be in pain from the surgery? Like doubling over pain? Like Im back to it hurting to sit up from a laying down position and to sit on the potty, I have to use the side of the tub and the sink...Im thinking about almost 10 days out (which is where I am) I shouldn't be regressing..and I feel like I am. Do I call Dr. J in the morning? Am I just a big wussy? DH says the pelvic incisions look much better and the bruise on my belly is healing..But Im just scared, and today, was in almost constant pain. Any advice would be appreciated.

2 New(ish) Loves

1. Sandra Bullock
2. Blunt Cards

• Sandra Bullock..because OBVIOUSLY..Also, have you seen the newest People magazine where she introduces her son..And remember yesterday when I was bitching about celebs being able to afford everything and do all kinds of IF treatment..well then Sandra comes out and is completely honest about how it took 4 years to get the adoption finalized and how there was a ton of paperwork, setbacks, home visits, and finally, a baby. Making me look all kinds of dumb. Dammit Sandra! But how amazing is this woman? She's like the realest celeb ever. If you haven't read her story in People, it's worth the $3.50 to read it. She's just normal. And talks about the divorce from J.J. (I don't want people to google his name & find my blog, he's such a f*ckwad). I just really like her, and how real she is about adoption. She's not a Mado.nna or Angel.ina Jo.lie who just adopt 2 seconds after "picking out" their baby in some foreign country. It's just not that easy. Plus, she showed that there are lots of babies & kids in the US that need good homes..Ahh. Yay. Just made me smile big ol times.
• Bluntcard..Have you seen these!? I've been "FB Friends" w/them for quite some time, but never really took in how amazing they are. I want one of each, magnets, notepads, you name it, I want it. Let me give you some examples (and you are forewarned, they contain profanity, kind of like me=)

I cannot *stand* being hung upon..Though, when Im mad..I do it quite regularly..and Im sure this is what DH thinks..;)

How true is this?!

This basically sums up my relationship w/my college roomate Crystal..We were the epitome of "frenemies." I haven't talked to her since..I think she is in CA living the good life..

So is it bad that KL & I talk to each other like this? It is hilarious..We only do it when patients aren't around..but this is a typical day =)

I love this. Need I say more? It's pretty self-explanatory =)

SIX HUNDRED AND TEN!!!

This is my 610th post!! Can you believe that? I can't. Never in a millon years would I have thought I would keep up w/this blog as much as I have. It has become such an incredible outlet for me. Sometimes, when I have nowhere else to go, I know I can come here, and always get sound advice and support, or just bitch my little heart out. Im pretty darn proud of myself. Also, this is going to be another random post, Im just full of those lately. But anyway, congratulations to me..lol.

Okay, so explain to me how Jodi Sweetin (otherwise known as "Stephanie Tanner") is knocked up w/her 2nd kid..in 2 years..and she was, what a meth head? She says she is clean now..but I've never been addicted to drugs or anything like that & I can't manage to keep 1 baby alive, let alone 2 in as many years. Also, Lance Armstrong KU'ed his gf for the second time in 10 MONTHS!! W/one testicle!! WTF!? DH has 2 working testicles..and again, we can't get knocked up (or at least stay that way) once in ten months. Can you see the jealousy train? And that I've been reading waaaay too much celebrity-babies.com? Also, that dude from Sugar Ray, his lady-friend just had twins via IVF & they made it sound so easy, so inexpensive. I wish, just once, that a "celebrity" or someone who is in the media would show how hard ttc is, how heartbreaking, how expensive, getting to the final destination is. And how insurance covers little to none of the cost & how it's almost as if being "infertile" is some kind of disease. We didn't choose this, this isn't some "life choice" we made..It's just how my body is. Just like my asthma or DH's ADHD. Those are both covered by insurance, but my RPL, is not. WTH!?

On the bridesmaid dress front..I was looking today and found some dresses that both the SIL & I agree on..I'll show you & you tell me what you think..Oh and as a sidenote..How DUMB is it that all bridal gowns and bridesmaid dresses come 2-3 sizes smaller then a regular street size? How are you supposed to know what the dress is going to look like!? Anyway..

The SIL really likes the idea of having the two colors (like I did for my BM's) so the dress would be black & the sash would be white..The only problem I forsee that if my some miracle I get PG, would we be able to let this out & would it still look good?

I love this!! I think it's so elegant & timeless..Im usually not a fan of the one-shoulder look, but this..I just love it. And Im sure it's a jabillion dollars since the price isn't on the website. Rad.

I think this is really pretty..obviously it would be in the black..I like the shape & the neckline & everything.

And as plain as this is..Im kind of a big fan..Although the black looks a little "grayish." Hmm..

















Okay, I just realized it's 2:10am and I have to be up and ready to go in 6.5 hrs. Nice. Off to bed I go. Have I mentioned this insomnia is *killing* me!?