1 Month Old

 

And we are so, SO in love..She has changed so much already..Can't wait to see what the next 11 months bring!!!

The New Normal

So here it is 2:30 ish AM and the baby is sleeping..and I'm WIDE awake. Of course I am. I think my schedule is just really screwed up. For the last week, la petite has been waking up at 1AM (or so) to eat and remaining awake until 6:30-7AM. To say I am exhausted would be an understatement. She fights sleep like it is her full time job. And she thinks "alert time" needs to be during the wee morning hours. Mommy has had about enough. Then, of course, tonight, she is sleeping through (knock on wood) and I cannot, for the life of me, fall asleep. Wtf? She has also decided that she does NOT want to sleep flat on her back, she wants to sleep in my arms, on my lap, in her swing or in her bouncy chair. It does not make for optimal sleeping for momma, but we make it work. As in, right now, in our king sized bed, she is sleeping in her bouncy chair. There is no way she will fall off the bed or anything and she is strapped in. Earlier, she was sleeping, but not in her bed. On my lap. That was the only way, w/o her screaming her head off. And I try not to hold her all the time, but she is not having the co-sleeper..and she was doing so well in it. Ugh. My mom has been staying here during the week since we brought her home, so that is a God send, but I feel bad asking her to do anything in the middle of the night. I KNOW. She's told me that's what she is here for, but still,ya know?

We had our first visitor over the weekend. E's mom came over Sunday afternoon to spend time w/Miss E. I was NOT a fan of this for 2 reasons. 1) we're still in the middle of flu/rsv season, and we aren't supposed to be having visitors 2) Saturday night/Sunday morning was a 1AM-7AM awake time for the baby. We were BOTH exhausted and a mess. It was no good. But whatever, she is the "nana" and needs to see her grandchild. But..here's where I need some advice. As previously mentioned (I think, pregnancy brain has turned into post-partum brain, I can't remember anything), baby bear isn't supposed to be in public or have lots of visitors until flu/rsv season is over. We think she will be able to go to DH's graduation in 2 weeks, if the pediatrician okay's it. Otherwise, she and I will be staying home. But anyway, back to the point. If our baby gets sick, she goes back to the NICU. I cannot have this. I am already a basketcase 99% of the time, if I had to go back to living at the hospital, I would loose my mind. So, you understand why I am severely limiting visitors? Everyone in our family has been told "no". Not just DH's family, but mine too. None of my extended family has met baby E, including my grandma, whereas most of his decided it was totally fine to just show up at the hospital, RIGHT AFTER I GAVE BIRTH (can you tell this annoyed me?) and not on just one occasion and w/o asking if it was okay. This is NOT what I wanted. It is exactly what I wanted to avoid, regardless of our birth situation, but especially after being cut open, and having my baby have to be resuscitated and then not getting to touch her til she was hours old...Man, I didn't realize how angry I was/am about all of this. That his family just fu*king showed up. Ugh. They have no manners, no courtesy. I was totally out of it. I only wanted to be w/my baby and couldn't because I had to entertain. But anyway, jeez, completely going off track, his sister (yep, that SAME effing SIL) has demanded to know, over AND over when she can come over and see the baby. The answer has not changed in almost 4 weeks. Same to the rest of his (and my) family. When she is released by the pediatrician (or when I feel comfortable) she can have visitors. Now, she makes little snide remarks on FB (so mature) or to her mom or to E when they talk. I'm just about at the end of my rope. So, how do I make it even more OBVIOUS that I do not want our baby to get sick!? I just don't know what else to say. I have been as nice as I can be about it, and I'm too the point that there isn't much nice left. This is my baby. MINE. I don't have to justify anything I do, and they're lucky I'm giving any kind of response. I just feel so judged, like I don't have enough going on?

Okay, enough of the ranting. I need to go try and sleep while the babe is asleep. And yes, I do have a post w/pictures ready to go, I just wanted to get this off my chest first =)

We're Here

I've had a post ready to go for like a week, and I just keep having things to do..Like shower every other day (if Im lucky) or pop a boob in the babies mouth, or do laundry, or "sleep when she sleeps." ETC. I just realized I haven't worn "real clothes" in like 2 weeks (since our pediatrician visit), or earrings since I had the babe. I'm exhausted. I am the happiest I've been in my life. I'm exhausted. And thrilled. And already contemplating baby #2. Shhh..Don't tell DH. Seriously. He'll have a coronary. He loves her more then life. And she him. Her first words WILL be dada. I never realized how easily one can function on 2 hours of sleep in 24 hrs. It happens. You make it work. Cause everytime she smiles (and she does, really!!) or coos or scrunches up her nose,  I fall in love all over again, and every single tear, every single pain, every single missed sleep is totally, completely worth it. I do NOT want to go back to work (though, this is not an option at this point). She is amazing. God's gift to us. Making us a family. I will update with pictures, and her coming home, and how things are in general. At her last visit w/the pediatrician, she weighed in at 6lbs10oz 21ins. She sees him again this Thursday (and I think she is getting shots, mommy will be a basketcase) and I get released from Dr. F. (which I am sad about, he has been a godsend.) Oh, and Allie loves her little "sister." She is SO protective. It is fantastic. Now, the babe is growling, which means "I want boobs". I'm in love, with my daughter, with my husband, with life.

Home!!

Elaina Lynn is home..She is transitioning beautifully, Allie is having a hard time though..I will do a more throrough update tomorrow when I'm not as sleep deprived (a girl can hope, right?) We are so, so in love with her. I can't wait til her daddy is home..I'll post pics soon!!

A Week Ago Today..

I had our baby. My daughter. The miracle I have waited my whole life for. And the wait? Worth every second, every heartache, every single thing that hurt, she healed me. There will always be a part of me that wonders what if, but it gets exponentially smaller every day, because without those miscarriages, those hard times, I wouldn't have this gorgeous baby girl. She is still in the NICU, and I still have sad tears every day..but there have been many happy tears as well. Shall I give an update?

• As I said, she is still in the NICU, but doing beautifully. She is completely off any breathing machines, and only has her NG tube. 
• She is nursing very well for her gestational age, which I keep forgetting still is of concern. The lactation nurse asked me what her age was today, and I told her "1 week" and she said her "no, her adjusted age" And I was like..uh..and she explained to me what that meant and what it meant to her care. That they still consider her GE as to how she is adjusting to the world outside of my body. As they said, a lot of stuff that she is doing, she isn't supposed to be doing yet. Anyway, she is nursing for about 20 minutes per each feeding. My supply has been really slow coming in, but I just found out today that I'm not pumping often enough, so I have to pump every 2-3 hours and every time after I nurse her. It's a lot and it frustrates me because I don't get a ton of milk each time. They said that will change as she gets older, especially when she gets to 38 weeks. I don't mean to complain, but I want my milk to like pour out. TMI.  I know. And she likes the boob. She is not a fan of the bottle at all. Which is good for me, but a little bad for her because after she nurses, they gavage feed her (through her tube) while she nurses on the other side from me. I don't think they will release her until she A) gets her tube out or B) my supply comes in enough that they know I'm not gonna starve her. Any suggestions on this topic would be fantastic!!
• She had lost weight and was down to 5lbs13oz but she gained last night and is back up to 6lbs. They also want to get her back up to her birth weight before she is released, but they said that they want to at least get her gaining instead of loosing, even if she isn't at her birth weight when she is released.
• They had us start bringing in her car seat!! That means release should be relatively soon, maybe as soon as Sunday. We'll see. I'm excited, but it's a tempered excitement.
• I am still scared every day. I still cry every day. It still breaks me to leave her and go home every day. I think I will still be scared when we get to take her home. We won't have the machines that tell us she is breathing just fine, or the nurses to reassure me. That scares me too.
• She has GREEN eyes to go w/her dark hair. She's gorgeous. And I'm not biased at all.

Thank you all so very much for your thoughts and prayers. They mean the world.