Christmas in Pictures =)

Here they are..I tried not to overload too much...But I did take over 175 pictures on Christmas day..come on..it was her FIRST Christmas =)

Our Tree..Yeah, Santa sure did come!!

Checking out her sock monkey stocking

Christmas Tree Cinnamon Rolls

My mom took our Christmas pics this year, this one was just too precious..

Daddy Clause just KNEW she needed this chair..and she loves it!!

We got her a mini-pillow pet..She laid like this for a good 10 minutes

More clothes & socks

This expression..love, love, LOVE it!!

Christmas morning church service

She loved tearing the paper

Her newest face..Angry eyes!!

Her first baby doll!!

My mom & dad opening their gifts

Our first Christmas as a family of 3..aww

Wolfe Christmas (my family)

My parents mantle (see Elaina's little homemade stocking?)

4 Generations..Evan, his mom, Great Grandpa Hall & Elaina

I really love this picture of us

Aunt Lindsey & Lulu

Lindsey, Becky, Elaina, & Evan

Joyner Christmas (his family) and we toned it down this year!!

On the move!!

Joyner/Combs Family Pic

My mom sewed this for Miss E

Nana & her girls

Aunt Lindsey, Uncle Chad & Lulu

Upside down baby

New frog jammies, angry eyes

Best Christmas Ever

I never thought I could love Christmas more then I do..Experiencing it through my little girl..she truly has healed my heart. There were tears today, but happy tears. This is the first Christmas in 3 years when I haven't been terrified of what was to come. In 2008 & 2009 I was experiencing miscarriages. On Christmas Day 2010 I went into premature labor w/Miss Elaina and was so scared she was going to come. And I was scared until the day she was born. And now? I remember how much I love Christmas. I know she's only (almost) 11 months old..But I really think she "gets" things. She listened pretty intently to the Christmas Story from the Bible, she really got into opening presents, and she was social with everyone last night and today. I think next year will be even more exciting because she'll be almost 2. Oh my goodness. Today was wonderful. I'm sure I'll have a Christmas picture post..But here's a few to tide you over =)

Weekend in a Nutshell..

Ugh. It was a long, tough weekend and I'm glad it's over. I don't usually say that, but this one. Oh man. Bullets? I think so.

• Monday & Tuesday I feel sicky, exhausted etc. I took Tuesday off from work and slept pretty much from 9am-6pm. Figured AF is finally making an appearance and think nothing of it. Also, Lulu starts to show signs of illness, but nothing major.
• DH picks up Lu from my parents on Tuesday night and I can feel her tooth coming through!! Woot!! Finally!! I figure she's crabby because of that.
• My mom calls me at work Wednesday, when I'm working late, to let me know that she thinks Lulu is coming down w/something. I tell her about the tooth and she says, um I think it's more then that. As soon as I walk in the door to get her, I can tell she has pinkeye in both eyes. Ugh. And she looks so, so sick. My mom didn't let on because she knows how "worst case scenario" I can get. 
• Thursday morning I wake up w/something going on in my chest & Lulu's eyes are completely crusted shut & she is furious. I get her into Dr. S first thing & he dx's double pinkeye and a viral infection in her chest & nose. Starts her on antibiotic eye drops, which she just loves.
• Oh, remember that Wednesday I got that blazing positive PG test. So I went in for the blood draw after I dropped Lu off back at home. 
• By Thursday night, Lulu is incredibly sick. Coughing, runny/stuffed nose, 101 fever. We are giving her ibuprofen & benadryl. Seems to be helping.
• Welcome to Friday morning..I am running a fever, and decide to get in to seem my doc, just to get what I believe will be preventative antibiotics. Cue bronchitis & sinus infection, and the doctor wondering how I didn't know I was sick. Hmm..could be the sick baby at home that is taking all my thoughts? Prescribed antibiotics & cough meds. Yay.
• Friday night, baby bear takes a turn for the worse. She is coughing so much that she stops breathing. Twice. Then projectile vomits 3x in a row. I've never moved so fast in my life. I pounded her on the back, changed her jammies & my sweater & rushed her to the ER. Commence baby acting like she is fun at the ER while mommy is completely loosing it. Big, fat ugly crying. I thought I had lost her. I haven't been that scared since she was in the NICU. I couldn't even tell the triage nurse what had happened because I was so worked up. 
• We're put in a room w/in 10 minutes of arriving (shout out to Peyton Manning's Children Hospital & the whole St. Vincent's network) and the doc sees Lulu, dx's her w/a double ear infection & bronchiolitis. We are sent home w/amoxycillin & instructions to rest.
• We've laid the low the past 2 days. DH is also sick and I'm nauseated all day and having random coughing attacks. It's been big fun. 
• We're back to co-sleeping w/the baby. IDK. I just can't have her in the other room when she's having such difficulty breathing. A side effect of this? In the middle of the night on Saturday, she rolled over & lifted her head and crashed her skull into my nose...Yeah, I woke up to the sound of my nose cracking. It's broken. Awesome. Oh, and 2 nights ago, she headbutted me in the lip, splitting it, because she was mad about feeling sick. I'm pretty sure that's elder abuse. I'm gonna have to report her.
• So I'm headed to work this morning w/a semi-black eye and a swollen lip. Taking care of sick babies is tough work.

How was your weekend? Had to be better then mine..on the good side, hello Christmas in 6 days!!! I still have shopping to do. Oops. 

Lesson Learned..

Firstly..Can I give a shout out to Melissa?! She is an amazing friend..and lets me just piss & moan & then reminds me, only wallow for a little bit & have some GD hope already!! She is wonderful. I am lucky.

Every good infertile knows that  you NEVER, under any circumstances, even if they are on a major sale buy blue dye pg tests. EVER. Ooops. It was a really good sale, and a blazing positive. Even the above mentioned Melissa could see it in email, and you know how grainy those pics are. Well, I'm between 12-17 DPO (I had the lovely double positive OPK's again this month) and I don't feel like waiting to see when AF would show up (because as previously mentioned, my cycles have been on the long side, 38-42 days.) Anyway, I have been sick, sick, sick the past few days. Like nausea and EXTREME exhaustion, so knowing I can't start the Prov.era w/o a beta anyway, I peed on the test. Positive. Within 20 seconds. No joke. Completely flabbergasted. I'm still trying to remember when we had sex, lol. Anyway, I called Dr. J's office this morning to set up my blood draw, and while there pick up my script for Pro.vera. Took 2 more tests this morning. They couldn't be MORE negative. I was not, not, not going to get excited. At all. Until I barfed. Yeah. Me. Throwing up. You know I'd rather swallow it then throw up 9 times out of 10. Just got the call a little while ago. 100% negative. Start the pro.vera tonight. Awesome. I am really struggling this time. WTF?! What is going on w/my body? Why can't it just do it's damn job? I love being pregnant. I really enjoyed it, even the hard stuff. And I think I'm good at it..Oh wait, minus the 7 miscarriages and the 5 weeks early preemie. Oh yeah. I know this is a woe is me post, but sometimes I just need that, ya know. I don't understand why blue dye tests are still allowed to be made. SOOOOO many people have issues and false positives w/them. At the same time, I KNOW that they are bad news and still took one. Ridiculous. So, anyway, I'm supposed to start Pro.vera today. I have awful side-effects from it. N&V and really bad acne. But I've been having that all week anyway, so who cares? Then, start the Fem.ara on days 3-7 of my cycle..Which scares me because my last cycle I had spotting the first 2 days which I don't usually have and then one day of heavy, and then 2 light days. And he said to start the Fem.ara on the "first day of full flow." Uh? His nurse today said, not the spotting days, so that helps. Hopefully I don't have to go the full 10 days of Pro.vera, but I usually do. My body has been doing so good, well w/having normal-ish cycles, I just ugh. JUST GET PREGNANT ALREADY!!! And literally, we can afford to do Fem.ara treatments til the cows come home, but when/if we have to move to injectibles, we'll be able to afford maybe 2 a year. They are that expensive in our area. Insurance covers Fem.ara w/no copay, so we can do that all day long. The injectible meds + u/s are anywhere from $800-1200 per cycle. Yeah. That's not gonna work every month. Oh, and another rant for another day, but 1 in 8 couples/women/people experience infertility. 1 in 8!! And insurance doesn't want to cover treatments? Meds? Ultrasounds!? What?! This is a disease. I can't think of another disease that 1 in 8 people has that doesn't have insurance coverage. I just don't understand this. My insurance covers massage therapy & acupuncture but not helping us have another baby?! What. The. F*ck?!

Okay. Rant over. Also, the baby has pink eye in both eyes, a viral infection in her lungs & sinuses, and is cutting her first tooth. Big, BIG fun. Maybe I'll hold off on the Pro.vera until she is better. Crazy hormones + sick baby=no fun.

I Came Clean & Birthday Planning

So the SIL & I have been conversing pretty routinely regarding the state of our uteruses (uteri?) and other such fertility stuff. We are having some pretty big issues w/the nurses at Dr. J's office (but more on that later) and I was telling her how I am ready for AF to come so I can get this cycle on the road. And she asked me "Are you nervous about going into this Fem.ara cycle?" And I have to tell you, like I told her, I am terrified. I am actually more nervous about this cycle then I was when we were TTC Lulu. She asked me why (since we had so many m/c before we had her) and I told her, now I know what joy, what a miracle having a baby is. How it changes your life. How much we stand to loose if this doesn't work out, or if we have another miscarriage. I don't understand why just being on the Glu.metza didn't work this time, why we have to move onto fertility drugs and treatments. I'm just at a loss. I figured if we had to go through RPL or IF again after Lulu, that it would be easier because we had done it before. I've learned over the past few months that IF is not something gets easier each time you have to experience it. I am so, so nervous about starting actual fertility treatments, and we aren't even doing any procedures. I want it to work so bad. I had been keeping it together really well, & it was nice to get it off my chest how scared and nervous that I am.

Also, I'm currently planning Lulu's 1st Birthday Party..I was going to go w/a "Winter Onederland" theme, but lately, she has really, really been into her sock monkey & her Furious George. I have found some adorable sock monkeys, favors, decorations, and I think we are going to go w/a Girlie Sock Monkey Theme. It will be so cute. More on that later =)

Okay, it's after 4AM, I've had approximately 1 hour of sleep thanks to this non stop migraine so now I am going to attempt to sleep for 3 hours til the babe wakes up.

Am I the Only One?

Am I the Only One..

• Who has random baby pajamas all over the house? On the living room floor, thrown over the back of the rocking chair, tangled in the covers of our bed...Basically, we change her wherever she will stay still for the moment..But it looks like a pj factory exploded in our house.
• Checks on the baby obsessively at night? Now, once I go to bed, I sleep, but while I'm awake I probably check on her every 20 minutes or so. Even if it's just to stare at her and think, "I can't believe she's here, I still can't believe I have a daughter."
• Who watches the DIY network and wants to redo our bathroom & possibly our kitchen? They phrase it so nicely like "all this & it only cost $17,000 to do." And I think, hmm, 17K, that's not so much, right? We would really have to find a wealthy benefactor for the kind of upgrades I want..
• Who continually hopes that the SIL (and most of DH's family) will grow up & start acting like adults? Or at least take responsibility for their actions. I believe the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting a different reaction. Yeah, that sounds about right.
• Who cannot stop buying the baby Christmas presents. There are such.great.deals!! Some of the stuff we will hold back and give her on her birthday, but there are so many fun toys, cute clothes, sweet room decorations. I want to buy it all!!
• Who is a little over emotional? Case in point, apparently my mom took some Christmas pictures of Lulu, and got them printed on Christmas cards...and sent them to family like they were from Lulu. Now, I know, it was not done w/malice or to make me sad, and they are absolutely adorable, but it made me sad nonetheless. She is my daughter. This is her first Christmas. I have been talking about getting Christmas pictures done of her for weeks and for sending out a Christmas card w/our family picture in it. Now, what's the point? I feel like my mom took what I was saying, and did it her way. I just feel like sometimes my mom is living vicariously through me. Ugh. I won't say anything to her, I don't think. I'm just a tad miffed.
• Who is really nervous about the Fem.ara. I've heard the side effects are very tolerable, if you have any at all. Dr. J's nurse today said there is a possibility of a head ache or dizziness & that seems to coincide to what I've read. She also explained that in women that are making follicles/eggs, Fem.ara sends the signal to the brain that the estrogen & LH (I think?) are low and therefore instead of making one follicle, my body will make 2/3/4. I asked about the multiples risk and she said they couldn't say until my CD12 u/s when they see how many follicles I made. Now I'm scared that my body won't follow through and make the follicles. Or, we'll end up w/quads. 
• Who took a shower @ midnight just because I wanted to use my new tea tree oil & mint shampoo? My hair smells soooo good & is so soft. 

Okay, I'm finally starting to get tired..Night =)

The New Plan

This post is written with really mixed emotions. I'm happy, sad, & scared. So while I laid in bed last night trying to fight the insomnia (which didn't work) I had an ephiphany. I'm almost positive that this cycle didn't work (more on that in a second) and I thought, why wait until my January cycle to start the meds? So I called Dr. J & miracle of miracles, they had a cancellation yesterday at 1:45, and I could have it. So I went over on my lunch break and I had massive butterflies. I figured it was going to be a longish wait, so I took an extended lunch. Oh, and only my friend T at work knows we are TTC #2. I don't know why I'm so nervous sharing this at work. Maybe because of the m/c in July or maybe because they basically replaced while I was on maternity leave w/Elaina?  Anyway, by 2:25 I hadn't been seen, and to wait that long was odd, even for them. So I asked the front desk lady what the deal was and she said "oh, your still here?" Umm, obviously. She then proceeded to tell me that the nurses must have forgotten about me?! Seriously?! I told her that I had to be back to work by 3:30 and someone better get out and see me NOW. I was back in a room about 2 minutes later. So Dr. J came in and asked how things were going & I promptly forgot ALL of my questions. Ugh...Anyway, he told me that he was happy that I was obviously cycling on my own, and that I had lost 14lbs (woot!!) but not happy that we weren't pregnant yet. And I also told him that I was ready to be on monitored cycles. And then he told me we are to start Fem.ara during my next cycle. And I don't know what it was, because I knew this was the next step, but my heart kind of skipped a beat. The reality that we are experiencing secondary infertility just hit me, & guess what? It's not any easier the second time around. I was extremely hopeful that my body would know what to do after having Lulu, but alas, it was not to be. And it hit me that we have MAYBE 3 tries on the Fem.ara/Ovidrel combo before insurance says, nope, we're not paying, and then we will be paying OOP. The Fem.ara/Meno.pur/Ovidrel combo is $1200 a pop. And one cycle has to be paid off before you can start another one. So, we need to get this done. I'm just really nervous. I know I am ovulating on my own, so I think the Fem.ara will just make my eggs better quality? I'm not sure. My research has shown that it induces ovulation, so does that mean I will produce more then one egg? Anyone who has experience, please chime in. And I'm also nervous because the Fem.ara did not work for the SIL. I know her situation and mine are different, but to know someone so close that it didn't work for makes we wary of it. Oh, and remember how I said I was really hopeful that when it came time for us to be in the same position of having to do the fertility drugs, that SIL would be kind of a shoulder to lean on? Yeah, that's not gonna happen. Yesterday, when I told her what was going on (after she asked me) she was very short, & abrupt and didn't really want to discuss it besides saying "yeah, that sounds familiar, and you know how that turned out." So, she was very optimistic. I don't know why I'm surprised. Oh well, I will continue to kill her with kindness, even if it isn't returned.

Oh, & this cycle? 2 positive ovulation tests, AGAIN. I had a positive on the 2 lined test on CD14-16 & then last night, when I figured I was 8DPO and could do a PG test, I also, on a whim did another OPK, and it was blazing positive, on CD22, EXACTLY like last month. The kicker? The digital STOPPED WORKING on CD14 so I have no idea if that was the real positive. Then, yesterday, the cheapie test showed an obvious positive and the digital still said no. Wtf is going on!? This is something I wanted to discuss w/Dr. J that I completely forgot yesterday. If I need to get my hormones correct, or if my LH or FSH is off, then we need to do that before I spend money on the Fem.ara. If my body is being weird, I won't be able to get pregnant regardless. Arrgh. I don't know how I could forget everything!! I plan on calling today to see if I can get some answers.

Baby Lu decided to fight going to bed for a solid 2 hours again last night, finally falling asleep at 8:45. And she is up as we speak. She has been since 5:30. Ugh. Are we back in the infant days? Where is my baby that used to sleep in til 8:00? DH is laying w/her in our bed, which usually is the cure all and makes her sleep...Sounds like it might just be working. Back to bed I go =)

Silly Baby

Can someone please explain to my 10 month old that sleep is not a choice?! She seems to think that it is. She is COMPLETELY boycotting naps & going to bed at night. Case in point, at naptime today, she went down around 1:30 in her crib, SCREAMED her head off and we let her calm down for 10 minutes and she started up all over again. So DH moved her into our bed, and she played, laughed, rolled around, sat up, laid down, screamed, cried. This went on for TWO hours. I finally came in & took control and laid her in her bed. By that time, she was so worn out that she went to sleep, for about 30 minutes. She needs her naps. She is SUCH a bear when she doesn't have them. She had one in church this morning for another 30 minutes. So this from the child that usually naps at least 3 hours a day. UGH. Then, the same situation at bedtime. We are transitioning to her taking all naps & going to bed in her crib. This has NOT been fun. I'm at my wits end. For the first 35 minutes or so, she entertains herself, then she realizes that we aren't coming to get her, and goes ballistic. We try to let her cry it out for 10 minutes, then I go in & soothe her and put her back down & the whole process just starts over. It's making me pull my hair out. She is so tired and that just makes her so angry. This is the child that once she was tired, you couldn't keep her awake for anything. Even during her nap in church today, she actually fell asleep mid cry because she was trying to stay awake. The good part ( I guess you can call it good) is that the no napping and early bedtime has led to her no longer wanting to get up and party in the middle of the night. And really, she's so funny, so we aren't angry, just frustrated for her. Because w/o her naps & a full night of sleep (because even though she is going to bed later, she is still up at 7-7:30am) she is a BEAR. Any suggestions would be great. Hopefully it's just a phase & she will grow out of it. I miss naptimes..lol.

I am 7DPO..I think. I had the weird cycle again this time. I got a positive OPK on CD14, it stayed that way through CD16. A 2 day surge!? Is that even possible?! I am so sick of this. I know this sounds wrong, but I will be kind of glad to be having a monitored cycle. As scared as I am to go on the drugs (mulitples? yikes!), it will be nice to be followed, to get answers. I am NOT liking what I'm hearing about Dr. J's office from the SIL. I think he is getting to big to fast. He needs to take on a partner, but he won't. I just hope that she is exaggerating and it isn't that bad. We'll find out soon. But I don't think she is. And I don't want to have to find a new RE. Ugh. And yes, I am going to start testing tomorrow. You know I can't hold out.

How was your weekend? We got the tree decorated because Big Sis was over, and she and I stayed up late doing "big girl things" like watching Harry Potter, eating Moose Munch, painting our nails, and snuggling on the broken couch. I just love that girl. We are lucky to get to share in her life.

IF A to Z

 So I saw this on Melissa's blog and thought I'd do it too..Just little tidbits about our journey to baby #2 =)

A. Age when you started TTC #2: 28 (but I just turned 29, on the downward spiral towards 30)

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex. I don't know why, but "baby dancing" has always sounded kind of creepy to me.

C. Children wanted: I've always wanted 4. DH is yet to wrap his mind around 2, so for now, we've settled on 3. I think eventually I'll be able to convince him that 4 is the way to go.

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: 1 dog, Miss Allison Renee, a Boxer. Coincidentally, we adopted Miss Allie on January 27, 2009. Exactly 2 years to the day, our daughter came along..aww..

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Again, just the Glum.etza currently. I probably need to go back on the baby aspirin & folic acid, but our RE hasn't told me to yet. I'll get that info at our follow up.

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: I haven't had to take any fertility meds yet..I currently am taking 1000 mgs of Glu.metza, but I have a feeling a Femara/Menopur cocktail is in our future.

G. Gain: As in weight? I actually lost 18lbs on the Glum.etza the first time around and I've lost about 16 this time. I've only gained weight when I was PG .

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): Incredibly painful, but clear w/no blockages (at least SOMETHING is working well)

I. Infertile Pet Peeves: People who are fertile or who have chosen to be kid-free trying to give us advice, or anyone that makes light of infertility, like it's no big deal.

J. Job title: Operations Assistant/Medical Assistant

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Well my SIL has already told me she plans on using the name "McKenna" which is one of my favorites for a middle name, so thats awesome. Our names change every month. The name we chose for our daughter wasn't on any of our lists at all.

L. Length of time TTC: Almost 2 years for #1 & going on 6mos. for #2

M. Miscarriages: Seven (6 while we've been married and one in college)

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: I've seen 2 RE's. My ex-PCP told me we didn't have issues (following my 3rd m/c) and so I set out & found our first RE on our own, Dr. R. She was a moron. Put me on BC, and never gave us our blood work results back. Then, we met w/Dr. J, a miracle worker. We saw him on 03/17 & were pregnant by 06/19 =) He is fantastic!!

O. Ovarian quality: Not great? I have PCOS. Not the worst case ever, but pretty bad. I had an ovarian dyothermy last April to help w/the getting pregnant.

P. POAS or wait for AF: POAS like a crazy person, I can't help myself

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: "Just relax" or "At least it happened early, it was only just cells."

S. Sperm: Great

T. Time you tried naturally: When we were TTC#1 we tried for 20 months w/the only intervention being Glum.etza. We've been TTC#2 since July, so 5 months naturally, again w/only the Glum.etza.

U. Uterus quality: Probably has some scar tissue since Lulu was born via c-section. Otherwise, in good shape as far as I know.

V. Vagina: Umm, I have one?

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: Everything from Elaina..so if we have another girl, we are set =)

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? Just close family, and 2 co-workers. One who is extremely supportive and the other (who is child-less by CHOICE) who gives me shitty advice and isn't supportive at all. She found out on accident. My family is incredible. My mom & dad dealt w/IF for 10 years before having me & DH's sister & BIL are going through IF right now as well..

Y. Yearly Exam: I don't go yearly since I'm usually being seen by my RE for TTC stuff. When we are done having babies, then I will pick that back up.

Z. Zits: TONS near ovulation, before & after, pretty clear.

Happenings

I feel like I really need to post more..but we have been so busy lately and when I get home from work I'm so tired..Anyway, here's an update as to the goings on at our house..In my favorite bullet formation =)

• Elaina is 10 months old (well 10 months and 3 days, but who's counting?) I cannot believe that she will be 1 in a matter of less then 2 months. It seems like just yesterday we found out she was expecting, that she was a girl, that she was here, 5 weeks early. I was re-reading her birth story, and there are so many little details that I didn't even add. I may have to review it for her birthday..But one that really stood out? Directly after her birth, I don't remember ANYTHING. Until they wheeled me into the NICU to see her, and then nothing until I woke up 2 hours later in the L&D recovery room. Hmm..Like I don't remember being stitched back up at all. I kind of remember DH's dad & step-mom coming, but not much else. Why that occured to me today, I do not know. But I distinctly remember the combo of absolute fear for her being in the NICU and absolute joy that she was here, that I was a momma.
• I am TERRIFIED that I will not be able to make her a big sister. Last month we had the combo of double positive ovulation tests and faint FRER's w/the add on of a negative beta on CD 28. This month, I got what I do believe is a positive OPK on CD14, and I've been testing each day since then, and they are only slightly lighter. I am so scared there is is cyst or something and that we will have even more set backs. I know Dr. J only gets invasive when the non-invasive stuff doesn't seem to be working, but I just wish I was being followed more closely. Like when I call and let them know my cycles have been super long or my LP has been super short, or that I had 2 positive OPK's last month, I feel like I should be getting more of a response. We go back for our follow up on the 13th of December, and I know, if I'm not pregnant by then, he'll want to start Femara. Ugh. Also, my SIL is seeing him, and she met w/him Monday to discuss her next plan, and he told her that half of the stuff she was discussing with him, he had NO IDEA about it. In other words, his nurses are NOT telling him when she is calling, when she is having issues, when her cycles are being wacky. And becuase of this, it may be why this last cycle didn't work. The nurses have also told her that "most of the time" they consult w/him (Dr. J) about her treatment..MOST of the time?!?!? No. that will not work for me. We will go elsewhere if that is the case. Dr. J gave her his personal email, and I am going to request the same. I don't know that I can handle any more miscarriages (especially not multiple ones) and after 2 "tries" w/the drugs, we will be paying OOP (at the tune of $1200+ per cycle) so we can't have people not consulting w/him. I just feel like I don't want to go anywhere else, but at the same time, patient care needs to be of the upmost importance.
• We got our first accumulating snow of the season tonight. It was so weird. It varied from area to area. Like, my parents literally live 10 minutes south of us, and they got 2 inches of snow. We have maybe an inch, but we have at least an inch of ice. Up north, they got about 6 inches, but no ice. And then at my work, about 20 minutes away from our house, they got 2-3 inches of snow AND ice. Indiana, the bi-polar weather state. Oh and it was SO cold, and windy, just bitter. But, Lulu loved it!! She kept opening her mouth and trying to eat the ice/sleet/snow mixture, and then would shiver when she did get some of it in her mouth. Also, another snow lover, Miss Allison, loved being out in the big backyard frollicking, until her royal prissiness realized she was wet. Silly dog.
• So remember that last fall, 4 of us cousins were pregnant together? Well the cousin, SH, who had a baby last November, is pregnant again, due in May. And last time they had to use IVF to get pregnant..This time, it was a happy accident..and she is already complaining about her body and how she can't wait to have it back and how could she forget how terrible morning sickness is, etc. So guess how much I want to see her at the family reunion in 2 weeks. If you guessed "not at all" you would be 100% correct. I don't know how any infertile can feel that way about being pregnant. I distinctly remember how uncomfortable giving myself daily injections were. How swollen I was from them. I remember the how awful the PUPP rash was, and how I was so, SO swollen the last 6 weeks. And you know what? I am so SO ready to do it all over again. I absolutely LOVED being pregnant. I felt so lucky, so blessed. It was a wonderful time, and I am so hopeful that God decides to bless us again. For her to complain, especially when she knows we are dealing w/secondary infertility now, it just kills me. I just want to smack her.
• Is this rambling enough? Just wanted to make sure you are paying attention. I think I am finally getting sleepy and "Parenthood" (the show) is calling my name..Thanks for listening and I promise to try and do better at updating, and not just random stuff like this all the time.

Happy Thanksgiving

I think I'll stand up and try to walk!!

We are so thankful for all the amazing things that God has brought to our lives this year..DH's dream job, our amazing new house, love from family & friends..But most of all..our miracle, long awaited, loved from the moment the "+" showed up on the test, NICU survivor baby girl..We could not be more blessed!!! 

29

 

 This morning I woke up and started the last year of my 20's. It seems bittersweet. I can't believe this time period is almost over. I can't believe I'll be 30(!!) next year. Do you remember when 30 seemed so old? I do. I don't know how 29 can top 28 since 28 brought me our daughter. But I think it holds a lot of promise. This year will be the year that our daughter turns one. She is coming into her own so much. She is so much fun. This year will hopefully bring us another baby, or at least another healthy (and full term) pregnancy. DH & I will mark 5 years of being together in May & 4 years of marriage in October. My parents will celebrate 40 (!!) years of marriage next December. I hope that in my 29th year, I get to become an Aunt. My SIL & BIL are really getting to see the raw side of infertility. I hope that changes very soon. I really feel hopeful and excited. I don't fear being on the downside of my 20's anymore. I feel like this year I have really grown up. I feel that DH & I have really strengthened our marriage. We know that if we can survive 24 weeks apart and our baby being in the NICU, we can survive anything. I'm really excited to see what this year has in store!!

Why Don't Doctors Listen?!

Firstly, thank you all for your kind words & loving thoughts regarding DH. I think he is handling okay..Or as okay as can be possible in that kind of situation. I listen when he wants to talk, and I let him be when he doesn't. He seems like himself to me.

Now, let me just start by saying, I think that the people know their bodies better then anyone else. I think women, ESPECIALLY women who are TTC or whom have experienced infertility know their bodies better then ANYONE else. Therefore, I know my body. End of story. When I told our RE in September that I was experiencing long cycles and gradually DECREASING luteal phases, he should have done something. Maybe bloodwork? Maybe an u/s. IDK. But SOMETHING. So this cycle has been a complete clusterf*ck. I had two positive ovulation tests, 2 faint BFP's, a negative beta, a 10 day LP, and now, a very light, very odd AF. What.The.Hell? I feel like if we would have addressed the LP issue back in September, then we might know what is going on. From my reading, a pregnancy cannot be carried to term if the LP is 10 days or less. Oh good. That's great news, especially w/my already spectacular history of recurrent miscarriages. So I called the office today and his nurse told me that if things hadn't picked up and become a normal AF for me, then I had to go in for more bloodwork on Thursday. Oh, so basically the last few months have been a wash? I've wasted at least $50 or more a month on OPK's and PG tests for nothing? Yeah, that sounds about like where we were before we had Baby E. Part of me hopes that things do "pick up" because I'm supposed to start the o tests on Friday, but another part of me wants blood work because I just know that there is a luteal phase issue and I want it figured out. Maybe the bloodwork will show a rising suprise beta..BAHAHAA. Ah, that even made me laugh. We'll see how it goes.

Being a policeman's wife

Days like early this morning, when DH got home are what I fear. I was so SO  angry at him for staying out doing overtime until 4:30AM since I don't sleep when he is gone. The baby had been in rare form (up 3x by then, for no apparent reason other then to scream) and I was EXHAUSTED. I barged in on him changing out of his uniform, only to realize..he was silently sobbing. The quickest prayer I've ever prayed went up "Lord, give me ears to listen and let the right, comforting words leave my mouth." He turned to me and said "I just saw a little 10 month old girl die." All of my anger deflated in an instant. There is no training for this. There is no advice that can be given. I asked him to come in our room and tell me about it. He told me he got the call around 3AM, on his way home. When he got there, the scene was brutal. A drunken mom had driven into the retaining wall at high rates of speed. She was severly intoxicated, and had not strapped her baby into a carseat of any kind. My husband found her little body, 20 feet from the car. He said all he could see was Elaina's face. The mom was in hysterics, mostly because of the alcohol, only partially because she had just killed her little girl. E said he could only stay for about 20 minutes before the sobs took him over and he had to leave. He drove around for almost 2 hours because he was in such a state of shock and sadness. I told him I wished he had come home. He told me he knew he should be "strong". I told him no one in their right mind could be in that situation. We talked and talked, and I brought Elaina to our bed, just so he could hold her, to see her, to know that she was okay. He said he was so thankful that he didn't have to worry about me ever doing anything like that to our baby. That he was so lucky to have a wife like me who loves his daughter so fiercely. He was so angry. He said he hoped he never had to see that again..I told him I hoped he was that lucky. I really wanted him to go to church this morning so he could talk to my dad, who in his 35+ years of police work has seen more then his fare share of child deaths, as he was the chief accident fatality director for many years. But..I gave DH a sleeping pill, that hasn't exactly worn off yet. He slept like a baby. I had nightmares of the worst kind, and probably will for days. This is why my husband & my dad are my heroes. Because he will go back to a thankless job tomorrow, even after knowing the evil that is in people today. And he will love it. And he will treat everyone he comes into contact with, with respect and dignity. I just hope that I said enough. That I supported him enough. I love him so much.

Thursday to Today

So after those tests, I pretty much tested all weekend, getting varying shades of positive results. None that were too helpful. Because of the double positive O tests, I called Dr. J yesterday (after putting it off for a few days) and got my blood drawn today. I really wasn't expecting miracles, but that stupid little twinge of hope got the better of me, and after getting the "it's negative" phone call, I've been in a funk all day. The only difference this time around is that I haven't had any kid of surgery. I seem to be ovulating on my own, and besides having extra long cycles, I don't know what the issue is. I'm taking my Glu.metza regularly and we are having "you know what" as often as possible. But Dr. J said to just go about our business and if I'm not pregnant by our follow up visit (on 12/13/11) then we'll go from there. Any ideas as to what we can do? Probably "timed intercourse" but beyond that? Especially since ovulation hasn't been the problem this time around. Anyway, I said that to say this, I'm not pregnant, or maybe I was and it was "chemical" who knows. I'm back in the land of being terrified that we'll never conceive again, or that I won't be able to stay pregnant. I hate this TTC Land.

Maybe?

So I don't know what to think. I hope you don't all think I'm crazy..But I swear I see something..I have no idea how many DPO I am, my FF says 7dpo, I think I may have ovulated early though..Maybe I have "line eye" and I'm just hoping what I'm seeeing is true..

Elaina-9 Months (and 2 days)

We haven't been to the doctor for her "official" 9 month appointment..We do that Tuesday, so I'll update her stats then..But since she's been sick for the last 2 weeks..I know what she weighs & her height..and since I'm her momma, her likes & dislikes.

Height: 30 inches (she fits in just about none of her 9 mo. clothes, barely her 12 month clothes, at least not in the leg/feet area)
Weight: 21lbs/1oz. (she's tall & lean, a good combo)

She still has a TON of hair that started jet black at birth, turned red in months 4-7, and is now a sandy blonde/brown, which I think is my natural hair color (I don't know since I haven't seen it since I was 12).

LIKES
Sitting up on her own (finally!!), being outside, swinging, FOOD (baby: yogurt, apricots, turkey, sweet potatoes, applesauce, mixed fruit, mac & cheese) & (adult: biscuits, gravy, toast, apple butter, french fries, bread, ice cream, and yes, she only gets very, very small bites of these things.), blowing raspberries, talking (she says dada, Aiyee (Allie), baba, hi, hey, ruff (barking at Allie), and most recently, mama (yessss!!), she loves to explore, she isn't much into to crawling (but I never crawled either), she really loves to stand while we hold her hands, the tv/dvd remote, my cell phone, the house phone, the dogs ears, her big sis Maci, her grandpa, her daddy, car rides, shopping, people watching, baths, sleeping in mommy & daddy's bed, entertaining everyone around her, "helping" w/laundry/dishes, The Crocodile Hunter (she growls when Steve comes on), Sesame Street (she hearts El.mo) (and no she doesn't just sit in front of the tv, it's just on while I'm doing things around the house, and I'm in & out talking to her, but when she notices these 2 things are on, she loves them)


DISLIKES
Going to the doctor, mommy leaving the room even for a SECOND (yep, we're in the clingy stage), diaper changes (because she must stay still), having Kleenex anywhere NEAR her face, wiping up after meals (she'd rather stay a mess), getting dressed (she loves to be naked as a jaybird), naps (ugh, this is has been so hard to deal with), going to bed (again, hard to deal with), meals being even 1 second late, her crib, being told "no" or "stop please", us trying to make her crawl, not giving into her every whim, being sick (who likes being sick?), taking her reflux medicine (taking any medicine actually), being overtired.


All in all, we are very lucky. She is a very happy baby, except for the last few weeks since she has been sick. Her being sick just worries me so much and the fact that we keep sharing whatever it is, makes it even worse. We've both been on 2 rounds of antibiotics, so I guess if she's still sick on Tuesday, we'll see what Dr. S suggests next. When he saw her last (on Thursday) he said she is like a super baby. You could never tell she's premature. She advanced physically and cognitively is doing very well. She still doesn't have any teeth, but she loves to gum finger food to death. He also said that the reason for her recurrent sinus infections is that she might finally be getting those teeth and this may just be the way this affects her. Regardless, her coughing/hacking is scaring her mommy. Ugh. But anyway, I am so, so happy to have her in my life. I don't really remember life before her (except maybe that there was more sleep involved), but I'd give up every lost hour of sleep to have her in my life. I am the luckiest momma alive. She is our miracle. Our joy, the light of our life. And the past 9 months have sped by..I can't believe in 90 days, she'll be one. That is crazy to me...Elaina Lynn, we love you much..Happy 9 months!!!

PCOS/Endo/Cysts Back?

So as you know (if you've been reading for awhile) is that I was dx'ed w/PCOS & endo back in March 2010. I had surgery to get rid of the endo, scar tissue & an an ovarian dyothermy to control the PCOS. Oh, also in Jan. 2010, I was having a miscarriage and when I went to the ER the doctor told me I had a large cyst on the right side and a burst one on the left. So I said all that to say this, you see the other post w/the ov tests? Well they've all looked like that since CD9, except for the one that might be a smidge darker on CD14AM. So, I wonder if I have some cysts forming, or if the PCOS is back in full effect. I'm almost positive the endo is back because my AF cramps are AWFUL..and Dr. J said that that is caused by the endo. Anyway, I don't know if I should call Dr. J on Monday and let him know what is going on, or if I should take a PG test just for shits & gigs to see if that's what's going on. I'm just confused and scared. Plus, I'm on the Glu.metza and that should be controlling things. We'll see if I start on the 10th or not. Ugh. I hate this. Seriously.

Explanation

Okay..So take a look at  this pic...










So do you see CD11? I have been getting results like this or slightly darker since CD9. I thought I o'ed on CD11 (Sunday) because I had tremendous pain & cramping. It was ridiculous. So we BD that night.  So then I took a test this morning, and CD14 AM was the result. Dark right? So I figured I'd take another one to compare and that is CD14 PM. Firstly, is CD14AM positive?! If so, then CD14PM is negative and I had like a 12 hour or LESS surge..Is this even possible?!?! What is going on? I usually don't ovulate until CD26 at the earliest. Should we still BD tonight? I plan on it, but I just don't understand what is going on. My surge every other cycle has been a full 36 hours. How am I supposed to get PG when my cycles just do whatever they want? Oh, and the test line? Has never gotten darker then what you see in these pics. It is the "Answer" brand o-tests, if that makes any difference. Is it possible to have a period & still be pregnant? Could that be the reason for all of this? I highly, HIGHLY doubt it since my period was so heavy & so painful. Ugh. I just don't know what to think. Please, please, give me your input!!