Life Exploded

So in the last month..The following has happened.

• I cheated emotionally (not physically) but just as bad, maybe worse
• E found out, found all the emails. I'm not great at covering my tracks as being dishonest is COMPLETELY outside my personality..usually.
• I turned 30. I feel 60. I look 80.
• I've lost almost 11lbs since last Monday.
• I pretty much cry daily. Most of the time it's more like 39402 times a day.
• We went from definitely, no questions asked, filing for divorce to trying to work things out.
• This happened because, if you read back, he's been emotionally absent for MONTHS. He even admitted that as of a few weeks ago, he didn't want to be married OR be a dad. Yeah. So there's that.
• He has some "come to Jesus" thing w/his Sgt. and changed his mind. At the time, I couldn't. Now, there's nothing I want more then to keep our family together.
• He feels angry & deceived. I feel angry & unloved. We've got a LOT to work on.
• He's been more present since all of this came to light then he has been since Lulu was born.
• I've been incredibly sick. Like I'm actually taking a day off from work, w/o keeping Lulu home with me just to try to recover. I have bronchitis, laryngitis, & strep. Yeah.
• I eat maybe once a day. Diet Coke & energy shots make for a great diet.
• The "my marriage is in shambles" diet is second only to the PPD diet in loosing weight quickly.
• I will do whatever it takes to fix this. The problem? He STILL takes ZERO responsibility in this. No matter what else, the fact that I was emailing/chatting/texting someone else overshadows the fact that we were completely falling apart. This was a reaction to the catalyst of what was really going on.
• If he doesn't realize it takes two to make a marriage work, and own up to his part in this, we're done.
• Another definite for me? Another baby. If everything works out, and we get our shit together, I want to be pregnant by July 2013. I'll be almost 31, Lulu will be 2.5, it's a great age gap. With my medical issues, I cannot afford to be "adavanced maternal age" on top of everything else. I know this seems like something ridiculous to even be considering right now, but it was something we discussed before marrying, and it is a deal breaker for me.
• To have this happen at the holidays, pretty much sucks the life out of me. I'm trying to maitain the status quo, to keep things level for Lulu. She is SO excited about Christmas, about putting up the tree, the decorations, talking about Jesus's birth & Santa. I just want to keep things happy for her.
• We're still awkward around each other, but things are slowly getting back to normal.
• There's nothing I want more for Christmas then for us to work out. I love him with my whole heart.

Please, no judgemental comments. This is my blog. I needed to get this out of my head. I have already beaten & berated myself. I couldn't feel anymore guilty. I was so desperate for any kind of emotional attachement, any kind of attention that made me feel loved. I understand that was wrong, but I was so lonely, so abandoned. Thanks for listening.