Murky Waters

It's like I'm swimming in murky water..I can just barely see the light at the top..but I feel like the harder I swim, the more obstacles I bump into. Stuff has just gotten..well..murky. And it's hard to see how everything is going to be okay..Babywise, things are fine (as far as I know, our next appt. is Thursday). But I realized tonight, I have gained too much weight, too fast. Giving in to every.single. Mexican food craving has done me no favors. Dr. F will NOT be happy w/me. And I think I'm eating because I'm in denial that DH is in fact leaving in 2 weeks. That is hard for me to put my mind around. And I'm scared. For him, for me, for us. I know we will survive this and I know that him going to the academy has always been his dream..and mine. And he deserves it. But I'm feeling quite selfish that I have to be pregnant pretty much alone. I know, the travesty. Like I'm the first woman EVER to have to do this by myself. Oh, I just need to get over myself. And I am scared that if (God forbid) something happens to this baby, I may not come out of that depression. Ever. Seriously. Last time, it was almost the last time. I was right at the edge of just being human. And DH is the reason I got my shit together..This time..what? I know, always optimistic, that's me. I think I'm just all around scared. I'm a weenie, what can I say. And there's other shit going on. Work has become my nemesis. SIL drama (what else is new) and I try to stay away from it, but she's always dragging me back. I pretty much just ignore..umm..everything she says. I don't have time. I want to be happy. I want to have no fears. But I do, even though I smile and laugh, every time I do that, I fear that it may be my last "happy." IDK. Sorry for the gloominess, I just really needed to get this off my chest. Hopefully, writing, will help me clear my head and figure some shit out.

An Update to the Reminder Post (some parts rated PG)

First of all, let me share our big, big, BIG news..We got confirmation today that E will be starting the police academy on 09-19-10!!!! HUGE sigh of relief. Huge. You have no idea. After he got his conditional offer, he had to take one final physical exam and a mental health exam..These last 2 weeks have been insane. This morning, he just knew. He had a feeling of peace. Amazing. So excited (and super nervous, more for my scaredy cat self then him).

1. SIL Drama: I talked her down from the $160 flowergirl dress (the final price is $90), and got hit w/a $160 tux bill. Ugh. WHATEVER. FINE. At least that I can pay a little at a time and it includes shoes, tie, whole shabang. The FG dresses are really cute, at least the picture of them is. She is still being holier-then-thou, but whatever. I don't have time for her BS and have told her as much. She puts these little FB status's that are a little cutting when I do something that peeves her (like not answering her text message the SECOND after she sends it) and I *try* to ignore it. In her world, and for those who are living in it, it's all about her and her wedding. I get that. Im not currently residing in her world, so Im not a caring as her other "best" friends. Also, I don't bombard her w/baby shit every.minute.of.the.day. She doesn't care, that's established, moving on.
2. Scary OB Visit: Okay, so on Tuesday I went in because I had had a staph infection in my kidneys and bladder (only me, can't just have a regular bladder infection) and I wasn't feeling any better. I was having back pain where my kidneys are, peeing all the time, and then immediately needing to go again, etc. So he had me do a test, and it came back pretty clean, no bacteria. But I was fuh-reaking out because I had had nightmares the night before about the baby having no heartbeat. So he told me we would listen to the heartbeat to ease my mind. He uses a doppler thing that has 2 stethescopes attached to it, it's pretty rad. And he looked, and he moved my uterus around, and he moved the doppler around, for 5 minutes, it felt like a fucking eternity. He could NOT find the heartbeat. Commence freaking out and sob crying. He then told me the thought everything was fine, but he wanted to do an u/s just to be sure and Im sure to calm my ass down. And there it was. Bright as day, flickering at 174bpm. And the baby was swimming around, waving it's hands, pulling up it's feet. It was amazing. Commence sob crying. Now because everything was okay. He told me it was most likely because the baby was moving so much and because of the way he/she was positioned. I ask him if I could relax a little and he told me I could relax a lot. He said he was 97% sure I was on my way to a full term delivery. Relax a lot..bahahaha!! Now Im even more scared, most of the time. I don't know how I'm gonna make it to next Thursday. I think I am going to have to invest in a doppler we can have at home. It was the most terrified I've been during this pregnancy. I just hope everything is fine on Thursday.
3. A Question for my Momma Friends: So, we hadn't "colored" in about 2 months because I was scared something would happen and because of the incessant nausea and sore boobs. So we did last night (so, so worth waiting for, just FYI & TMI) and I bled a little bit after words. Not a ton, no clots or anything, just spots. Is this normal? There hasn't been any blood this morning or anything, I just want to make sure this is normal. Thank you =)
4. Questions about how we got here: For some of you just now coming to my blog (welcome, by the way!!) we started TTC in October 2008. We had 5 pregnancies and subsequent miscarriages btwn. December 2008 and January 2010. None getting further then 7wks. We saw a specialist in October of 2009, who proceeded to put me on BCP's and do an HSG, even though I have 3 clotting disorders. She said everything was structurally "normal " (which we found out later, was not the case) and to try 3 more cycles on our own (even AFTER the miscarriage). I was done w/her and was referred by 2 bloggy friends in my area to try Dr. J. He was.amazing!!! He told me that I had a ton of adhesions and endometriosis, and that my left ovary was adhering to my bowel and that it was so high up that it was almost out of my pelvis, hence the intense cramping I felt during my cycles. I had surgery in April 2010 and was told we could talk about starting to try again in July 2010. Well, we all know how that worked out. We found out we were pregnant one cycle after the surgery, so hopefully, that is all I needed. I was on Prometrium until 12wks and I'm on Lovenox for the duration. Most likely until 37wks. If you have any specific questions or want some info on Dr. J, just let me know.
5. Work: Im working 90-95 hrs every 2 weeks. It's too much. I'm exhausted, but there is no one else that can do my job. I told my boss today to count on me taking at least 8wks of maternity leave. She said she was counting on me taking 12...score. Plus all the extra hours (any over 80 in 2 weeks) I can "bank" and use those as time off as well..again, score. I just hope Dr. F signs off on me taking 12wks, because my office doesn't have any type of insurance, including maternity benefits, then I had to get Aflac insurance, which will pay for as much time as the doctor allows for me to be off. 12wks would be perfect...and I'm only going back 3 days a week. Again, awesome. 

Okay, so thats that. Im so glad I finally stayed up late enough to update everyone, but now, I'm bushed. I've been having what I think are gas pains all day, and man, they HURT!! Love you all!!

A Reminder Post

I know..I've been a shitty blogger this ICLW. Im writing this post to remind myself to answer the questions I've been asked TONIGHT on my "real" post. I promise!! And I am loving your comments, thank you!! Okay..

1. SIL Drama: I haven't told her completely off yet, yay!!
2. OB appointment #1 & scary appointment #2
3. Questions about how we got here
4. Question for my momma friends
5. Work

Okay, I will do an update tonight..I've just been sick & exhausted. More on that later!!

Oh My Stars!! (Kind of rated PG)

I *completely* forgot about this week being ICLW!! So welcome, welcome, welcome!! It was so nice to have so many comments today!! I will completely be trying to be a better blogger this week. So let me introduce you to the players of this story..

• MJ, Mai: That would be yours truly. Stubborn, profanity laden (so if this isn't your thing, you might want to skip reading me), wife, and hopefully, come this winter, a momma. I've had 6 miscarriages. 1 when I was in college and 5 in 13 months with my husband. I wasn't correctly dx'ed until after our last m/c (in Jan. '10) by the wonderful Dr. J. I had surgery to remove endometriosis and scar tissue in April and I found out I was pregnant in June. It literally was one of those "whaaaat" moments. I am pretty much scared 90% of the time that either A) Im going to loose this baby, even though every sign points to a live birth in 6months or B) something will be wrong w/the baby when it is born. Always optimistic, that's me. We graduated to an OB, 2 weeks ago, and he is wonderful. Dr. F. Im really lucky to have found him, as he basically eased my worries at our first visit...annnnd, told me I can come in anytime I want and listen to the baby's heartbeat. So for a constant "worse case scenario" girl like myself, that is huge. I am cautiously optimistic that this might just work..and hopefully due on March 2nd.
• EJ, DH: My wonderfully supportive and enormously awesome husband. He is leaving for the police academy on September 18th, and will be gone for the duration of my pregnancy. Completely did not "plan" this to happen, but hey, I'll take 2 awesome things going on at once. For the first 2wks, it will be like boot camp. He can't come home at all, and phone calls will be at a minimum. I'll be a basketcase. After those 2wks, he can come home on Friday afternoon and he has to be back at the academy by 6pm Sunday night. Graduation is March 4th. Mhmm. And Im due March 2nd. Rad. If, I happen to go b/f my due date, he's allowed to come to the birth and stay the nights w/me, for a week. But he has to go to school during the day. Wow. That police academy, they sure are giving. Brrnt. But it's all for the good. He has wanted this as long as I have known him, and I am so happy for him. It's been a long road to get here. He's a pretty great guy. Makes me laugh more then anybody, and already loves this baby. I don't think he's completely grasp the whole "the baby will be tiny and we loose lots of sleep" concept..But, he will. He's the bestest.
• Allie/Allison: That would be our spoiled rotten, misbehaving Boxer dog..and we love her to pieces. DH is the main spoiler & Im the disciplinarian. She's is insanely cute, and that is why she gets away w/90% of what she does. 
• Moo-Moo: A little 5yo girl that is basically like our daughter. I've known her grandma for 5yrs and she was my student when I was a preschool teacher. Her dad is in jail and her mom committed suicide right b/f her 2nd birthday. We are basically like the parents she has never had. We have her almost every other weekend, she goes on family vacation w/us, and we do all the things that families do together. She is being raised by her grandparents, and I think they are thankful for the "breaks" we give them. She started kindergarten this month, oh and I bawled. She's not my baby anymore, lol. She is super pumped to be a "big sister."
• Our story in a nutshell: First date: 05/27/07, engaged: 09/30/07 (uh huh, 4mos after the first date, score!!), married: 10/04/08, 5 miscarriages btwn. 12/08 -01/10..It was a hard 13mos. Met w/the wonderful Dr. J: 03/17/10, surgery: 04/23/10, sticky BFP 06/20/10..*still* nervous, scared, semi-excited to be expecting on 03/02/11 =)

So that's me.  I can't wait to read some of your stories. Welcome to my place!!

So I Had This Post..(Rated PG)

That was a really long update..But I just haven't finished it..I've been exhausted, still. I thought it was supposed to ease by now..and the nausea..good heavens. But I digress..There are 2 things I wanted to mention..

1. My dearest Melissa..is PREGNANT!!! She and I have been friends since my 2nd m/c last July. She is amazing and I have been hoping so hard for her to have this..I am so excited..she has her 2nd beta tomorrow and could use some love..Go on over and give her congrats!!

2. We enter week 12 tomorrow..and I don't feel any more "at ease" then I have this whole pregnancy. I am so scared that at my ob appt (Thursday) that the baby will be dead. I know, always optimistic, that's me. But w/our history..I just worry. I had to break down and buy some larger scrubs (they don't make cute maternity ones) and I REFUSE to wear them until the 2nd trimester (next Wednesday) even though one of my pairs of scrub pants is cutting off my circulation. I don't want to jinx anything (I know, so dumb). But Im just scared. Esp. since we don't see the baby every 2wks any more. I wonder if I can convince Dr. F to let us do that...Probably not.

Okay, that's all for now. Im exhausted. And nervous. Ugh. But grateful..and kind of excited. I'll try to do better updating, and I'll for sure let you know how the OB appt. goes =)

Graduation!! (Rated PG)

Baby is looking really good..BIG!!! So good that we GRADUATED yesterday!!! It was such a bittersweet moment..I've been so reassured by Dr. J and his staff and even though the every 2wk u/s were nailbiting, I'll miss seeing Froggy all the time. Im sorry it took me so long to update. Last night was rough. Actually, the whole day yesterday was rough. I'll do an explanation update tonight, but everything looks good and tomorrow we will be 11wks. Amazing!!

Just Real Quick (Rated PG)

IDK why, but Im kind of really freaking out about today's u/s. I don't know if it's because it's not til 2pm, and most of them have been in the AM, or if I read too many blogs over the weekend of women who lost their precious babies at 10-11wks. Or if it's that 10wk2d was the longest I've ever made it, and I've surpassed that by 3 days and feel like my "luck" might be running out? IDK. I know Im nervous. Almost to the point of tears. When will this pregnancy thing=happy for me? I think in 6mos (God willing) when Im holding a live baby. Ugh. I'll let you know how it goes.

WTF!?!?!?

*Disclaimer*
Please skip this entry if you are sick of hearing me bitch about the SIL. I *completely* understand. But I MUST get this out or Im gonna explode. Okay, moving on.

So, SIL informs me that she has found "the" dresses for the FG. She's ordering them from Etsy, and admittedly they are cute, if a little pricey. She tells me the final price (w/all the personalization she wants done and the s&H) is $90. Okay. We can do that. Until..I get an email today telling me they are ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY DOLLARS!!! $160!! Are you f*cking kidding me?! This is completely out of our price range and I know it's out of the other FG mom's price range as well. WTF? Apparently, customizing the dresses to her specifications is another $50. OMG. Im quickly adding up all the things going on at the same time as her blessed event..Christmas, her shower, and the wedding. She's was high when she emailed me right? I mean that can be the only logical excuse for these kinds of shananigans. Does she not know we are having a baby? That I am throwing her a really nice shower, that we have over 20 people to buy for at Christmas!?!?? We are not made of money. We didn't get to declare bankruptcy 2 years ago and have all of our debts poof, be gone. We have bills to pay. We are trying to save to send this kid to college. We are trying to save, in general. I am at my wits end. I do not want to pull Moo out of the wedding because she would be so sad and it's not her fault that SIL is an insane bridezilla. I must just add, that we paid for all 3 of our FG and our 1 junior bridesmaids dresses, shoes, my mom made the jewelry, and we made their headpieces. They paid for nothing. Not to get on a holier then thou trip, but you want 3-4 people to pay $160 for a f*cking dress!? I can find one extremely similar online and at David's Bridal. She's gone off the deep end. Im telling you. Oh, and she also wants Moo's measurements, now. In August. For a December wedding. Let me tell you a story called from the end of May to the beginning of July, Moo grew 1inch and 2 shirt sizes. There is no way measurements from NOW will work in December!! So that means $160 up front + alterations, which I know my dress is also going to need because there is no way to know how big I will be in 4 months. Ugh. IDK what to do, I just needed to vent before I sent her a f*ck off email...which I did not do by the way. DH was very proud of how under control, but to the point I was. Which is odd for me. Woot.