All On One Day

Today's date has a lot of meaning for me..Let me break it down for you....

May 27, 2001 (10 years ago today) : I graduated from high school..It was fantastic. I absolutely HATED my school, so I was more then ready to graduate and be free. I went to a Christian school w/ridiculous rules..But in the end, it was bittersweet. It was one of the last times both of my grandparents would be alive together. Grandma died in July, and Grandpa in October..

May 27, 2007 (4 years ago today): DH & I had our first date. We had been talking since February, and I had put him off for a date because I had just gotten out of a HORRIBLE, abusive relationship and just wasn't ready. The day I met him, I knew. He was the man God had made just for me. It was love at first site. It really was. I knew this was the man I was going to marry, spend my life with, and was the father of our children. 4 months later almost to the day we were engaged, and 13 months after that, we were married. The rest, as they say, is history.

January 27, 2011 (4 months ago today): I had our daughter. Our miracle. Our little girl. She absolutely the best thing (besides DH) that has EVER happened to me. I would go through every single thing (NICU, colic, reflux) again if it meant having her. She is amazing. I couldn't have imagined how much I would love her, how my heart would ache for her when we're apart, even if it's just for a few hours. How I know every part of her like the back of my hand. How she responds, in certain ways, just to me. How she would heal me. How my heart almost bursts with love for her and her daddy. How I can't wait to make her a big sister. How, if she is our only baby, it will be enough. How she is growing too fast and soon, she'll be 18 years old and graduating herself.

May 27, 2011 (today): Moo graduated from Kindergarten. I cried. Not only because she isn't a baby anymore, but because her mom & dad should have been there. They are such fools to miss out on this precious little girls life. FOOLS. And we are so lucky to get to step in, to take their place, to be her stability, to help raise her, to be her family. She was my first baby. She helped me become a better mommy. She is a great big sister. She loves Elaina like they were blood. She is a FIERCE protector. She is smart. She is precocious, she is funny, she is amazing. I love her as if she came from body, and not just my heart. I will be there for her, even when she doesn't want me, for her whole life. I am the lucky one.

So yeah..It's been a big day...It's funny how life works out =)

Day By Day

I'm here. Sorry for the lack in updates. This week has just taken everything I've got. The baby has been sick, the husband, still sick, the momma, a basketcase. So yeah, it's been fun. I'm trying to take things one day at a time, but sometimes, I just feel like I need a snorkel, cause I'm drowning. I'm barely keeping my head above water. This is a feeling I've encountered a lot lately, and I don't like it. I used to be able to delegate and compartmentalize everything so I could focus, now, it's triage. Just fix what I can when I can. Everything else will have to wait. My biggest fear right now? We are in debt. Like, we have negative money in the bank. Missing 4 days of work is no good. We are still reeling from me not being paid for my maternity leave as promised. We are paying the bills of things that can be taken from us (rent, electricity, car payments, cable) and the rest are kind of falling to the wayside. I know this is awful, and no way to live. But it's how we have to manage for now, until we can get back on top of things. Which, since I only got paid for 6 weeks of maternity leave instead of 12, will probably take at least 2 months to get back on track. Then throw in only working part time and missing 4 days of work already, and well, we're back at square one. We've thrown around me going back to work full time, and both my husband and I would rather I didn't. My parents are watching the baby for free, but only because I'm only working part time, if I went to full time, then we would add the expense of child care, and I really don't want anyone else watching her. Also, DH really likes that I am her primary care giver (so do I) we just have to live really, really lean. Necessities only. Which is tough for me. We'll be back on top soon, it's just right now, that light at the end of the tunnel seems like a LONG way off. And the medical bills are still pouring in. We're on so many payment plans that I can't keep track. NICU is no cheap bill. Plus, we haven't even gotten my bill from my last hospital stay. I'm sure we'll owe at least something for that. Thank God for ISP insurance, otherwise, we'd have to declare bankruptcy, plain and simple. Also, still on my plate is the whole "mass" on my thyroid issue. I had the u/s on Thursday, and I know the u/s tech can't tell me anything, but I know I saw nodules. And, duh, I was sent for that u/s because they said I have "multinodular goiter" so, OBVIOUSLY. Now, it's a wait & see game if they look malignant or not. I bet they do. I bet I get to have a biopsy sometime next week. YAY!! And because I had the u/s on a Thursday, and it's not a STAT order, I won't have any answers til Monday at least. Ugh. I need a Xan.ax.

Also this week, DH & baby are still sick. DH has been working so much that he hasn't had time to get back into the doctor. He has had to day.quil during the day and ny.quil at night just to make it through. I called his PCP on Tuesday to get him on a new antibiotic, so they called him in a Z-Pak, which seems to kind of be helping, but not enough. He's been on it for almost 4 days, and he's still hacking and running a fever at night. I can't afford to get sick, sorry to be so selfish, but if I miss more work, I'll loose my job. Yep, that was thrown at me this week too. More on that in a second. But anyway, Lulu has also been congested something awful and then throw in some raggedy breathing, and off to the pediatrician we go. Dr. S said she sounded "junky." No pneumonia or bronchitis (thank God) but she does have a sinus infection and he doesn't usually prescribed antibiotics to bitty babies, but w/everything going on in our house, he gave her amox. She is not a fan. Oh well, she seems to be mending, but still stuffy at night. Ugh. My poor girl. My poor husband. I just want us all to be better.

What I've learned recently is that as soon as we think Lu is on a decent schedule, she says "nope, just kidding" and goes back to be ridiculous. Yesterday was about as near perfect as I could even dare to hope for. Seriously. She spent Wednesday w/her Nana (yep, I let that happen, yay me, I need a cookie) and she went to bed at 7pm..She slept til 1am, was back down by 1:30 and slept til 6AM, back down by 7AM and let momma sleep til 9AM..WHAT!? I was ecstatic, and...rested. OMG. I hadn't felt like that for MONTHS. And we got up and got some sh*t done. Well, got some groceries bought and some long overdue gifts returned. So we came home around 2ish and she had napped for about 45 mins. Oh, and during all this, she was HILARIOUS. Not a fit to be seen (she has recently learned "temper tantrum" 4 months old, oh the joy) She was social, and smiley and was just loveable..As I told my husband, she's becoming such a little person. It's not that I didn't love her those first few weeks, but it was tough, and we weren't big friends. Colic, reflux, eating every 90 minutes. Momma was spent. Does this make me sound bad? Oh well. That's life. I love her more then anything else, but her first few weeks, well, lets just say I'm real glad they're history. Anyway, so she went 4-5 hours between feedings and didn't really even fuss when she was hungry, she just kind of did her hungry growl and made her fish face and so I fed her w/out much of a fit. She went to bed at 6pm (OMG) and slept til 12AM on the dot. That's where the story ends. She woke up FURIOUS. Thank goodness I was still up cause had I been asleep, you would have thought someone was torturing her. Changing her diaper b/f feeding her was the ultimate sin and I couldn't get the bottle to her mouth fast enough. Then, God forbid, she actually had to WORK to get the formula out and she screamed for a good 2-3 minutes while the bottle was in.her.mouth. I just stared at her  and said "uh, it's right here." Once she closed her mouth, and realized, oh yeah, there it is, all was well w/the world. She promptly fell asleep after eating only 3.5 ounces, and I've learned that the ounces she eats are in direct correlation w/how many hours she will sleep. She's been eating 5ozs, so I've been spoiled. 3.5=no good news. So I put her back in bed, hurried myself off to sleep, and just like when she was a wee infant, at 3:30AM, the furied one awoke and this cycle has continued every 3.5-4 hours all day. It's been super neat. She's thrown one fit. She's shakes her fists and kicks her legs and just wails at the unfair world. I dared to make myself lunch today and attempt to eat it while *not* holding her..BAHAHAHA. NOPE. She decided, "I'M STARVING!!!!" and had to eat. But what is funny is in between feedings, she's actually kind of delightful, which I guess is God's way of making sure I don't just accidentally leave her at grandma's for a few days. This every 3.5 hour thing is tiring, and it makes me crazy because I feel like all I'm doing is feeding her. I assume, and I have been known to be wrong in the past, that she might be about to grow? I don't know how she can grow much more..She was 14lbs/10oz at the docs on Thursday..She'll be solidly in 6mo clothes if she's not careful. But I don't care. From where she started? This is amazing. And her doc doesn't have an issue w/it. OH YEAH. We saw the GI Specialist Monday as well. Totally forgot about this. Basically, the reflux/vomiting is normal, yuck, but normal. If she were closer to a year of age, or not gaining weight (which, hello, is not an issue) then we'd have to do testing. Since she is a big fan of eating and is only almost 4 months old, we just upped her Prilosec dose and watch her for any changes. The issue is her swallowing. When we were bf'ing, she latched like a champ, it was really good, but she has never completely gotten the hang of latching on to the bottle. A lot of the formula tends to leak out and she tends to choke on the nipple and just can't get the hang of it. We've tried eleventy hundred different bottles and nipples and she seems to have the same issues w/each of them, some worse then others. She seems to do really well w/the Ave.nt bottles and the Wal.Mart brand, so we stick w/those. She has to have a barium swallow test next Tuesday (I'm sure she'll be a BIG fan of this) and be seen by the speech pathologist to see if she has dysphagia. The GI doc was amazing, and I felt really comfortable w/her.

Okay, is this long enough? I think so. Crankypants McGee is *finally* down for what I am sure is to be the shortest nap of all time, so I better use my time wisely. Missed you all!!

Reaction Time

Tonight has been rough. I feel like I'm in a fog. I'm going through the motions, but I'm in shock. Here's why..I received a phone call from my PCP's office today..I was thinking they were calling to let me know they got my records from my time in the hospital and they wanted to schedule my follow up appointment..Uh, nope. Apparently, during my chest x-ray, they noted a "mass" on my thyroid. It was an "incidental" finding and upon closer inspection, I definitely have a multinodular goiter. I feel like the bottom has dropped out. I feel like it's just been one thing after another in the health department lately and I haven't had time to react. I barely remember most of the rest of the conversation w/the nurse after she said "biopsy". They are going to schedule a thyroid u/s and, because I do have nodes, I'll have to see a specialist for the biopsy. Biopsy. To rule out cancer. CANCER. I can't even focus on anything else. Reading about the "symptoms" of goiter make me realize that I most definitely have one, I have every single symptom (except for the massive swelling of the neck). But, I was in the hospital for FOUR days and no one thought to let me know that a mass was discovered on my x-ray!? I was told when I was transferred from the ER to the hospital that my chest x-ray was clear and there was no issues..Apparently NOT. I also had a CT scan done..What were the results of that? Wouldn't this have shown up there?! What caused this? I know that during my pregnancy my TSH levels were fine, my thyroid was tested twice. What the fuck is going on!? Why can't I just catch a break?! I feel like I just don't even have time to react and respond to one thing before another one hits. Bronchitis, pneumonia, ER for migraine, pneumonia, 4 day hospital stay on oxygen, now, thyroid mass, goiter. Boom, boom boom!! I literally felt like my world kind of tilted. I really tend to be a strong person. To really keep it together, but now, I just feel like I'm unsteady on my feet. And while I was holding Lulu (who is quite the little basketcase herself as of late) I accidentally scratched her w/my ring, which caused a huge red mark and a little blood and we both were sobbing. And I think me crying made her laugh, because she stopped crying and I am just doing the silent shaking crying thing, and DH was like, "omg she's fine" and I was like "I'M NOT". He told me I needed to get it together because I'm his rock, and if I come unglued, he doesn't know what to do. I told him that I had been holding it together for weeks, even in the hospital I wasn't allowed to break down or completely relax and I just needed to let it go for a few seconds. And he was really thrown for a loop. And then, he became the rock. It was awesome. He started researching stuff, looking for specialists in our area, checking to make sure our insurance would cover any and everything that might be necessary for treatment and only telling me best case scenario. I just feel like I've been handed maybe a little more then I can handle. I feel like all my plans are in limbo until we find out the results of the biopsy, and who knows how long that will take. I may have the u/s as soon as this Thursday, but it might be sometime next week, and then we go from there. I just don't want one more thing to worry about. I'm still worried about DH (who is still sick and started a new antibiotic today) and Lulu who has to have a barium swallow test on the 24th and most likely has dysphagia, and my own health. I just feel like my stress-meter is about full. In and out, keep breathing, keep going. In & out.

An Appearance & Disappearance, & a Surprise!!

Guess who I do believe is making her first appearance in almost a year?! If you guessed AF..you'd be correct..At least I *think* that's what's going on. IDK any more.  I had something similar to this back in March from the 10th-14th...Spotty, weird, not requiring much "protection" period thing. Seems to be the same thing right now. I know, for sure, though that this isn't post c-section bleeding though, so I think this is the "real" thing. Or, is there breakthrough bleeding this far postpartum (I'm just over 15wks). No, I'm not PG (I got about eleventy billion tests at the hospital last week and took one today just to make sure) so I know it's not that, but right now, and *TMI AHEAD* it's reddish/brownish discharge, not really even a flow, just enough that I need a light pad. No cramping, my boob.ies have felt weird the last two days, but that seems to be the norm now and not the exception since having the baby. Anyway, it would be fantastic to cycle on my own, and not have to go back on any medication, and to be able to know where I am during my cycle like a normal person, but I don't quite see that happening..Anyway, enough about my period..jeez. LOL. Any advice on PP AF would be fantastic..I'm just not sure what is going on & since I had such off periods b/f I got pregnant, I'm not sure what a cycle is like for me, it'd be nice to know what "normal" might be.

And a disappearance..Seems to be sleep. I literally have gotten 2-3 hrs/night since I was released from the hospital. I know I "caught up" in the hospital, but it doesn't seem like much. I'm probably certifiable from my lack of sleep, but I think there are 2 good reasons. #1, I'm taking pain-killers for the migraines I'm *still* having..and they are hyping me up instead of letting me get into the good, deep sleep...Also, you're not gonna believe this, because we still don't, but Lulu is getting TEETH!! Yep, 11 days away from being 4 months old and we can see 2 tooth buds on her lower gums..It is INSANE!! I thought I saw something last week, but just like w/PG tests, I have to have E see it to to make sure it's real, lol. And today, wah-la, he did!! She has been COMPLETELY off her rocker for the last 48 hours. Her sleeping schedule has completely changed, she doesn't want to eat, nothing makes her happy, she is a drooling machine, and it all just clicked reading over the "symptoms" of teething & then seeing the buds. Plus, she's still rocking a cold/sinus infection, so that's been big fun as well. She JUST went back down to sleep (it's almost 4am) so I am exhausted and in desperate need of sleep. I'm supposed to work later today, but DH is still very sick, and I may just stay home and take care of my 2 sickies..We'll see.

Okay, exhaustion is setting in. Night..

Another Update

So I'm home. I was released late Thursday night..Around 5pm, ugh, so dumb. I was ready to be released at 1:30pm. There was some communication mess up and I didn't get out for 4 hours. Whatever. I'm glad to be out of the hospital. Seriously. That was so, so tough. I was scared. Very scared like. Like tunnel vision, twilight zone scared. I didn't think I was going to see my daughter again. So, in bullet formation, here's what's been going on...

• I was sent home on a month's worth of steroids, which I *hate* w/a passion. They make me SO swollen, and I look like I'm eleventy hundred weeks pregnant, which is NOT cute. Plus, they make me SO hungry, it's insane. I have to eat all the time, and I am thirsty, like I cannot get hydrated. I'm drinking and peeing all the time. I'm also still on Augmentin to control any and all infection I still have lingering (like the pneumonia) and to keep me from catching the URTI of my daughter and strep of my husband (who is also on antibiotics). If I get any kind of infection, I immediately get to go back to hospital. My lungs can't take anything else. I'm still on daily meds for the migraines (low dose pain meds for during the day, and high dose, if I can take it, during the night) and I have to get in touch w/neurologist to figure out if the asthma & migraines have a connection. I think once one is under control, the other will be too. I also have to see a respiratory therapist and my PCP as soon as possible to make sure this DOES NOT happen again. This has been really hard. Like the toughest illness of my life. I have to do a daily inhaler 2x a day, which I was on b/f I got PG, so that's no big deal, and I'm supposed to stay on my topa.max but I haven't had any for a few days because I'm not at my house and I didn't get a new script for them. Okay, sorry for the rambliness. Onward.
• I still get extremely winded doing stupid stuff like, oh, the stairs, or going on a walk just down the street. I have never really felt like this. I'm shaky all the times and the steroids are making me really short tempered. I want to stop taking them, but we all know what will happen w/that...
• My parents are leaving for a cruise tomorrow. They are surprising some of their friends by meeting them in San Juan, Puerto Rico and then cruising to Aruba & Curacao. Jealous? Oh yes I am. To thank them, I think DH & I will plant their garden while they are gone. I don't know what else to do, to thank my mom especially for everything she has done over the past few months, and I know they really want a veggie garden this year, and just haven't had the time to do it. And soon, knowing Indiana weather, it's gonna be too hot. So any ideas on what to plant? Yeah, this isn't quite a guaranteed win garden =)
• Lulu is getting SO big. She is right on the verge of laughing. She talks, smiles, and coos all the time. She's really starting to get out vowel sounds that sound a lot like "mamamama" yay!!! She weighed in at exactly 14lbs when she saw Dr. S last week, he says everything looks great, and that she is right on track. At her next visit, she gets more shots (so traumatizing for mama) and she sees the GI specialist Monday...which is really good because she is back to barfing after every meal..today, I got barfed on 5x. It was fantastic. Other then that, she really is a happy go lucky baby. Today was an off day, but I think that was due to the barfing, we haven't been home to our house since last Sunday, she's been out of her routine, I've been gone, etc. Hopefully the specialist can give us a little more insight into what is going on w/her digestive issues. 
• As much as I love having family nearby, especially in times like the last week, I cannot WAIT to get home. To our own house, to my big bed, NO STAIRS, and get back on routine. Seriously. I am beyond thankful to my parents for everything they have done, but there really is no place like home, and I haven't been there since last Sunday.  I'm ready!!
• We've managed to loose my camera in all the chaos last Sunday. UGH!! I have a ton of new pics to post, but they are saved on my mom's computer and I can't transfer the data til I find my memory card, which is, of course, w/my camera. I must say, my cousin had prof. pics done of her little girl (who is 7 mos.) and the one's my mom take, are just as good, if not better. Seriously. She's really, really good. Oh, and my first Mother's Day? I need a re-do. There are exactly ZERO pics of me & the baby or me and anyone for that matter because I barely made it through (or remember) most of Sunday after church. I came home to my mom & dad's (where we had a nice little cook out w/the in laws) and went to bed, it's all a blur pretty much til Monday morning. Ugh. Let's not ever do that again.

Okay, I'm sleepy, the bed is calling. Missed you all, catching up on reading soon!!

Checking In

Sso I'm sorry for the lag between posts. I've been really sick and it all came to a head Sunday night. I was really sick all of Motherr's Day, and when we got home, I just couuld not catch my breatth. I had been using my inhaler like crazy and did 2 breathing treatments. Out of nowhere another migraine hit & I started coughing & vomitting and reaally couldn't breathe, so we headed to St. V's NE ER. I prayed thee entire way for God to spare me. I was on the verge of blacking out. I could feel my brain not getting enough oxygen and my heart almost beating out of my chest. All I could think of was my little girl and how I was not ready to not be around for her. By the time we got to the ER, I couldn't walk I was so weak, and after they put me on the pulse/ox my HB was 167bpm and my 02 sat was at 81%. I had 3 breathhing treatments while I was there, my temp skyrocketed to 102 and I could not keep my 02 sat above 89, even w/the treatments. I was started on 6 liters of oxygen and Dilaudid for the migraine and transferred to St. V's-Carmel, where I have been since 5:30 yesterday morning. I feel awful. Exhausted. In pain. And the icing on this little slice of hell cake? Lulu has an upper respiratory infection and EE has strep. So I'm struggling to "take it easy" while my baby is sickand so is my husband. Plus, I won't be getting released until probably Thursday and even if it were tomorrow, no work til Monday, so there's money we are loosing that we desperately need. Oh, and please excuse any misspells. I'm using the in-room internet w/the wireless keyboard and it is super good at adding letters and way too many spaces. So yeah, my first MD was spent in bed, then in the hospital lollucky me. I'm being taken off all IV drugs except the steroids, but I'm still on pain meds for the migraines, breathing treatments every 4hrs, antibiotic to kick whatever pneumonia I have still lingering and to stop me from getting strep, and my 02 sats are now holding steady at 92 on room air and 95 w/oxygen, so still not where they want to see them. Just wanted to update everyone..Will do more when things change =)