A Quick Post

Dude, I have been working on a post for like a week..lol..Things have just been horrendous at work this week (and it's only Wednesday) and I've just been beat when I get home. I will have a longer post later tonight (hopefully.)

PG wise, we're 5wks today..Im freaking out about small stuff...But I've only called Dr. J. 3x (I KNOW) but they were not just fluff questions. Plus the Lovenox shots (which HURT, those of you that have to take the higer doses, you are my hero!!!) we're really bruising me and I was running out of skin that wasn't insanely sensitive, and Nurse Laurie (who is the raddest) explained that there are other sites I can give myself the injection and it hurts more cause I was standing to do it..OOOOOH. Now I know. So, this morning's didn't hurt nearly as bad. Oh, and those Ovidrel shots, which are a compound, you can feel it ooze it. So weird. Anyway, Im still pretty nervous, but trying to be happy, but ya know, the whole RPL thing makes it hard to get too excited..

Okay, Im at work, so I must get back to work. More later =)

The Nervous Post

So Im at 10:53 (way past my new "normal" bedtime) and Im exhausted and I can feel it, but I had to get this out of my system or I was never going to sleep..

Firstly, thank you, THANK YOU, for all of your well wishes and congratulations..I am just amazed of the amount of support this community has for each other. There are some of you who are going through hell right now, and still took time out to come visit me. Please know that Im going to try and temper my posts so that they aren't all pregnancy related..I don't want to loose you as "followers" but I understand if this whole PG thing just isn't your cup of tea right now.

Here's the meat of this little rant..I am *terrified* of loosing this baby. I think I will have to be committed if that happens. Seriously. Tonight is the first time I have actually talked to E about it. He is so gung-ho that everything is going to be fine, and I cannot bring him down again. Last time we weren't this far, w/good numbers and all that, and I had to be medicated when we lost that baby. I don't know what Im going to do this time. I know I should be looking at the positive, but w/6 losses under our belts, that is easier said then done. And if my boss at work tells me one.more.time that stress will make me miscarry or that worrying will make me miscarry, Im going to slap the living f*ck out of her. Seriously. So, maybe she can lighten the load at my job so Im not working 45-55hrs a week?! Let me know how that works out. She's just been really, non-supportive of this whole thing. IDK. It might be because her & her husband don't have any kids, but thats by CHOICE, whereas ours, is (was) not. And I am petrified that something is going to happen. That Im not feeling "enough" symptoms. I literally get up every morning and squeeze my boobs to make sure they still hurt..I KNOW. And I gauge my tiredness during the day.."OMG, Im not tired ENOUGH." Im going to drive myself crazy. And then of course, my next fear, is no HB @ the U/S. Wouldn't that just be fun. I know I should be happy, but Im just scared. Like I told DH tonight, the only "real" sign that I have that Im pregnant is the 5 positive PG tests. Thats it. And the symptoms, but who knows about those. They're fickle. Until we see our baby, I don't know that I'll be able to breathe easy. Ugh. Im sorry. I just had to get that out.

The Numbers Are In-2

104!!!!

Got the phone call about 2:45 (I was DYING!!!). Dr. J's amazing nurse said " I have some good news, it more then doubled!!. OMG. She said Im 4wks1day PREGNANT!!! EDD is 03-02-11. I've never had a verified due date from a doctor before. Im so pumped. And the symptoms are crazy. Defn. the nausea kind of kicked in today. I don't know if that's from the nerves of waiting for the test or morning sickness. Our first U/S is scheduled for July 8th..Im to start Lovenox tonight and Ovidrel (the HCG booster) tomorrow<--Im supposed to start that tonight, but only 1 pharmacy in the city has it & since it's a compound, they won't have it ready until tomorrow. So hopefully that doesn't matter too much. Im so excited and still in shock. Finally, we might just have our sticky froggy..Yep..That's the babies nickname for now, froggy, cause for the first few weeks, it looks like a tadpole, plus you know how much I love frogs =) Im in shock. Im excited. I can't stand it. Now, onto our next 2WW..

Freaking Out Just A Little Bit..

I know..Who me?! Today is the 2nd beta...Im headed to get my blood drawn in about 20 minutes..Im pretty freaking nervous. What if it doesn't double? Ugh. Now, of course, Im obsessing about my "symptoms." Ugh. Lets just get this over with. As soon as I know, you will. Also, thank you SO much for your words of encouragement and congratulations. I think I'll feel way more relieved when I hear the numbers on this..Gah. I just want to get "normal" pregnant..Period's late, take a test, call the doc to confirm, then "see ya in 10 wks." Etc. Okay..off to the doctors office I go.

And the numbers are in..

Beta: 46
Progesterone: 17

So, Im pregnant!!!! I start the fun intra-vag progesterone tonight, and have a repeat beta tomorrow morning. So is this good news? I talked to a good friend, and she said it depends on what day DPO I am..and since I have no idea when that occured...Hard telling. Could be between 4-5wks. Im going w/the EDD of 03-01-11. So that makes me 4wks1d. Guess I'll have to wait until the U/S to find out? Does anyone know? Anyway, Im more at ease, I'll be even more at ease if we have a 92 or above tomorrow..So, yay =)

Not *Quite* So Freaked out..

Because of this..I know it's not a *gurantee* but I feel better..Beta back in the morning..

Doing the Dance

The freak out dance that is. Still testing positive as of this morning. Symptoms? I am so, so tired. I literally am falling asleep at my desk. If I don't keep moving, Im asleep. Like, at redlights. I KNOW. And nausea, a little bit, esp. if I eat too much..and then I don't feel like eating, which makes me feel sick. Im a special one. Oh, and an all day h/a. I think thats just stress related though. Anyway, I'll take all of it if it means that this baby sticks around til late February at least. So the reason Im freaking out is because I had my blood drawn today for the beta test. None of my beta tests have been good news. They've all been positive, but always low, non-viable numbers. Now, thats all I can think about. Or that the + hpts are a cruel joke and my beta will be zero. They had me come in this AM to have the blood drawn, they *might* have it back by this evening, most likely tomorrow. UGH. Im gonna go nuts waiting and thinking worst case scenarios. Ugh. Im pretty scared right now.

Stunned and Scared

So I bit the bullet and took a FRER (the one w/the pink lines). I have never *ever* seen the elusive 2 pink lines on these test. I always take the cheapie Target or Walmart brand ones. Well..these say they work (in 68% of women) up to 6 days b/f the missed period. Im at 6 days (supposedly?) today. And here are the results..

No squinting required. That is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Seriously. The blue one is from a cheapie digital, that says it won't register PG until the day of the missed period. So the words said no, the lines, obviously, say yes. OMG. Guys. Seriously. Im in freak-out mode. Im so scared. The earliest I can get in to see Dr. J is Wednesday and Im so scared that these are just cruel jokes and the beta will be super low or non-exsistent. I have absolutely no idea when I ovulated. According to these sites I keep going to, I would be due in late February early March. I have no clue when I O-ed, so it's hard telling how long my cycle was/is. How early would the tests be positive? Does it have to be 4 wks or after? I have never tested positive this early, not even in December. So I have no clue. I want to go pee on more sticks, just to reaffirm myself. And Im scared. Big time. Trying not to freak out, but you know me...

1 year, 8 months, 2 weeks & 2 days

After we get married..Finally, possibly, comes the baby carriage...

AND, you can see it w/o a flashlight & w/o my glasses on.

OMG. Im pregnant!!

A Hypothetical Question *Edited*

So lets say your not exactly sure of your cycle..and you possibly ovulated on 6-10-10..What is the earliest you can test & *possibly* get a positive result? Just hypothetically, of course. Inquiring minds want to know..

Here's the best pic I could get. I promise the last one looks darker in RL (plus it's a cheapy, the test line is already fading, lol). I might, possibly, be 10DPO. IDK w/these wonky cycles. The last one (post surgery) was 57 days (!!!), and the one before that was 35. So if I go w/the relatively regular (b/f the m/c in Dec.) 30 days, Im due for AF on the 27th. Let me know what you think, really. K? We don't have our hopes up yet, so you won't be devastating me if you say something like "uh, capt. crazy, you're imaging that 2nd line." Oh, and you may have to zoom in on them. LOL. I know, that alone should tell me the answer is "NO."

.

Things I've Learned In Gatlinburg-Part 3

• So we've "had" Moo-Moo since she was 2 yrs old. And she looooves to sleep. LOVES it. She is gonna struggle next year in kindergarten cause she won't have a nap...But anyway, she usually sleeps 8-10 HOURS a night. She has since she was 3 mos. old...BUT, just because she's less then a week away from being 5 (OMG) doesn't mean she will sleep through the night. Even on vacation. After a day in the 100 degree temperatures. Riding rides. W/o a nap. I was exhausted. Still am. Because.. baby girl decided last night would be a greeeat time to stay up til 1:30am, and get up again at 3:30am, and 4:30am. And she wants to talk. OMG. Hush child, hush. No amount of threats, or pleading, or bribing was working w/this gal last night (and oh yes I did go there.) She FINALLY fell asleep at 4:50 and has been asleep since then (it's 10:20am, TN time). She is going to be a BEAR today. And we are going to Dollywood..All day. Do I feel a meltdown of gigantic proportions coming on? Yes I do. Are we renting a stroller for $10 for when said meltdown begins? Oh yes we are.
• I *hate* how quickly the week goes by when we are on vacation. Why can't the weeks at work go by this quickly? Grr.
• I really love our family vacations, and I love how kind of "diverse" our family is. I guess thats not the right word, but I can't think of a good one. Moo-Moo is not biologically our daughter, in fact we have no "legal" claim to her. But you would, never, ever know that if you saw us all together. She even looks like DH & I. She has the same mannerisms, and habits, and it is just ridiculous. My mom made a comment yesterday that while she was watching me ride the scrambler w/Moo, that it reminded her so much of her & I that it actually took her breath away. Like Moo is just a natural part of our lives. Like she was always there. And she always will be. We've had some hard discussions this week..How do we approach the subject of her dad being in jail? Of her mom's suicide? Of why her grandparents are raising her? Oh staying away from all the of the stuff that took her parents lives? (her mothers physically and her dad's freedom). How to stay away from those kind of life-changing bad decisions? My mom and dad have been a really good resource here. They debated these things when they adopted me, and I have always been informed of my adoption, and been allowed to ask whatever questions I wanted. But, and there is always a but, Moo lives w/her grandma & grandpa <--who kind of likes to bury his head in the sand when it comes to *anything* that might hurt her. She is going to need to know..Not now, but eventually. She HAS to know. She deserves to know. How much her momma loved her, but just couldn't overcome her addiction. How somehow, God brough DH &I into her life and how we will love her fiercely, like she is one of our own, for her whole life. She comes to us w/hard questions. Im not sure how to answer them, but she is too young to know most of this stuff. We just answer the best way we know how. The reason I have this under the "Gatlinburg" heading, is because I think she feels free-er to ask questions, even if we just listen, and don't necessarily answer. That has been the case this week.
• There are a lot of bugs here. Period. How did I not know this before?! Maybe it's' because we are staying on the edge of the National Park, but jeeeez. I'll have to post pics soon. Also, Daddy-Long-Legs grossed me out at Girl Scout camp, and they still gross me out now.
• As much as I <3 the king sized bed, I miss my own. My back hurts. Amazing, how you get used to something. I love the space, but hate the firmness. Oh well.
• Part of me STILL wishes we had gone to the beach. I know. Stop complaining.
• 8 hours at Dollywood w/a 4yo today. Hmm..Im a tad frightened.

Things I've Learned in Gatlinburg-Part 2

• I am really tired. Good heavens. I didn't realize how little sleep I am running on when we are at home. I think this has to be hindering A) getting 100% healthy, B) baby making C) loosing more weight. Also, Im stressed. Apparently. I thought I was hiding it better. Not so much.
• Seeing my parents play the part of grandma & grandpa makes me cry. I want to give them that so bad. And there's no pressure from them to have kids, but I know, deep down, they want it. And so do I.
• Moo-Moo does not like to hear the word "NO." Esp. when it comes from Grandpa Bob. OMG. She freaked out in the middle of Walmart last night. I haven't had to take her to the bathroom in a public place for a long time. It was no good. She went to bed early and w/o any dessert. The not so fun part of being "mom." The disciplining. I just wanted to hold her, and baby her, but she needed to be told how it really was gonna be. Oh, and as a sidenote, my hard as nail mom, when I was a kid, snuck out to the front porch and rocked her while DH & I cooked dinner. Grrrr.
• Driving on mountain roads makes me white knuckled and I won't do it. Everyone else, DH, mom, & dad loooove to go fast around turns and down slopes. UGH. It takes all I can do not to scream like a banshee.
• Wildlife count: 1 bear (right behind out cabin, HUGE.), 1 loggerhead turtle, hugantic bugs too numerous to count, 1 snake (DH about lost his mind, lol), and 3 ground squirrels. Moo wants to know if we can catch a bear and keep in Allie's crate. Ummm..
• Took a test. Maybe the faintest line, again. But as DH says, unless its VIVID, we're not even gonna get excited. Seriously. We've done that too many times, only to be devastated a few weeks later when I m/c. So for now, Im gonna go w/not PG. Oh well =) Maybe next month.
• Today we are going hiking, something I haven't done in G-Burg since I was a child. Yeah. I'll let you know how that goes =)

Things I've Learned in Gatlinburg-Part 1

• There are brown recluse spiders here..and they are as big as DH's palm!!! They are f-ing huge & scary. Not.A.Fan.
• Being nice to the people that own the condo, can get you upgraded to a HUGE cabin. O.M.G. Pictures to follow...soonish.
• We neeeeed a king sized bed. Seriously. Amazing. So big that baby girl slept at the foot of the bed (which she thought was the awesomest thing ever) and we still had tons of room.
• I am so ready to move to the south, although, it is still just as hot at Indiana..and the humidity..good heavens..it's hard to breath. Humidity+high altitude=bad for asthmatics. But still, lets get to moving.
• When you think there's a *chance* of PG, everything becomes a symptom. I know. I need to test. But I just don't want too. Plus, did you know, south of the Mason-Dixon line, they sell all "family planning" products behind a locked glass cabinet? Annoying when your a symptom crazed, ttc woman. I don't want everyone to know the obessesion. Jeez..
• Vacation makes DH very randy..and you can here everything throughout the house, so finding some time to "color" is gonna be our next big hurdle.
• We were talking about coloring w/my parents (not like that, but ya know) and they used to call it "vaccuming". LOL!! So glad I didn't know that growing up!! E's parents used to "go do the laundry." OMG, we were cracking up!!
• We've brought Moo here since she was 3, and each time, seeing her experience "the mountains" is amazing. We are in a totally different area this time, kind of on the outskirts of town, and the view is amazing. The absolute best we have ever had. We are right at the base of Mt. LaConte. Again, pictures to follow.
• Im hungry. We're off to grill. =)

Sooo...

I've been kind of a bad blogger as of late..There has been *so* much going on..plus, I put in 64 hours in 6 days..so thats a bit much..Here's the rundown..in bullets.

• Because I don't know my cycle (because it was all wack-a-doo in May, because of the surgery in April) Im not sure if being PG is even possible right now. I took an internet cheapie the other day..maybe the faintest hint of a 2nd line, but I wasn't convinced. You needed xray glasses and the flashlight to see it. Im still feeling symptom-ish..If you can call it that. Supposedly, if Im on a 28 day cycle, I'll be ovulating on vacay, wootie!! If not, IDK? CD1 (I think) was 05-27, and that cycle was super weird, and super short (4 days, start to finish.) Im usually a 5-8 day gal. So we'll shall see. If nothing by 6-27, then I'll test again. Oh & Dr. J? He's been uncommonly hard to get ahold of. We never did have our phone consult and I plan on scheduling a person-person visit when we get back.
• We are leaving on vacation tomorrow morning!!! We, unfortunately, are not going to Gulf Shores. I am 100% unhappy about this, but, at this point any where but home is acceptable. The oil is not the problem, as of yet, but, my mom made other arrangements "just in case" and she didn't read the small print that said "if these reservations are made 6wks in advance of travel, they are NON REFUNDABLE" meaning, we'd loose over..well, a lot of money. So, we *have* to go to G-Burg..Makes me kind of mad that my mom did this w/o asking E & I, but whatever. G-Burg is our old standby, we are going to Dollywood & the waterpark there (I've never been, in 27 years of going), there's a new Titanic exhibit I've been dying to see since they started building it last fall, the place we are staying is a nice condo w/an awesome pool/kids play area, and Im excited regardless. It's so funny how as a kid (read teenager) I HATED going on vacation w/my parents. Now that Im grown up and married, they're really fun to hang out with. And, of course, we have Moo- Moo=) Love of my life =) She is the bestest and getting her for 10 days, uninterrupted, heaven.
• We had our Indiana State Police home visit on Tuesday night. It went really, really well. I really feel like DH is going to make it this time. He's pretty far into 3 processes and he's really shown what he is made of. At this point, I don't care if we have to move to BFE, so long as he starts the academy by September. OMG, that would be so freaking exciting!!!

Okay, must finish packing..Mhmm..Me, procrastinate?! Never!! We should have the internet in our condo, so I will update periodically=)

Im Not Superstitious..But..

Here is how today has gone...So far..Well, it actually started Sunday night..Very, very vivid dreams about + PG tests..and usually when I have these, I either A) know it's not me in the dream or B) see *who* the test is for, never has it been me (even when I was PG). In these dreams, on Sunday night and last night, it was all tests, and the person taking them, was me..As in, I saw myself.

Then this morning, I was *so* nauseauted, I could barely get out of bed. I figured it was just nerves, cause DH has an interview w/this AM w/the local PD & tonight we have our "home visit" from the state police..But then I rembered my digestive system was off all day yesterday too. But this was totally out of the blue.

So Im at work, and COMPLETELY out of nowhere, I get a text from the SIL "You might be pregnant?!" I was flabbergasted. I haven't even talked to E about this, cause Im pretty sure it's just nonsense. So I asked her "what, me?!" And she was like, I just had a "feeling". WTF!?

Then this was my daily tarot reading (which I have never done before) and usually don't believe..
The Queen of Pentacles card suggests that my power today lies in generosity. I am in a position to be gracious and to consider the welfare of others as I surround myself with or reproduce the conditions I wish to create. I am empowered by embracing my own splendor and earthy sensuality and this gives me the validation to nurture, share, or bring new life into the world. My asset is fertile and perennial gratitude.
So, ummm....

Tell me what you think. If it's all ridiculous, like I think it is. But I just had to share, cause that's a lot of coincedences. Jeez. Thanks for letting me be bonkers for now =)

Take My Own Advice

First and foremost..If you are friends w/me on FB (and if you're not, you should be), you know that it's been one of those days..There are some things, that I could not give a shit less about. Seriously. There are some things going on in my life, in the lives of those I love, that are so far beyond my understanding, that all I can do is laugh and then cry and then scream and then repeat. So, for a people to try and make their bs be more important then, oh say, a friends mother dying, or the massive oil spill affecting those in the south, or a friends pregnancy turning terminal for the baby, just pisses me off. Just, for once, have empathy for another human being. Realize that maybe, just maybe, the fact that you didn't get to go tan tonight or that your rummage sale didnt go as well as planned, may not be the end of the fucking world. Good Lord. Be happy for what you have.

Having said all that, I wanted to post pictures of the weekend, but I've been feeling quite barfy/dizzy/congested for oh...7 weeks or so. I finally went to the doctor today...Declined the PG test, but came out w/5 scripts and a double ear infection, sinus infection, and bronchitis...Hmm..maybe next time I won't wait til it gets this bad? The doc wanted me to take off the rest of the week (bahahaha) and I told her I've been dealing w/it for this long, what's 2 more days? Ugh. 5 scripts=$80, so thats fun. Also, I have my phone conference w/Dr. J tomorrow, in which he BETTER give us the green light to start "coloring" for conception and not just fun, AND better have a plan for us. For real. Im done bs-ing around. Let's get knocked up!!!

Okay, I would post more, but my head is about to explode, so Im gonna go lay down. Love you all!!