This Time Tomorrow

We will be getting ready for bed for the last time in our apartment. This is bittersweet for me. I knew we'd never stay here "forever"..But this is the first place Lulu knew as home. I brought her home from the hospital here, she met milestones here, my mom lived with me, helped me survive those hellish first weeks of no sleep, colic, breastfeeding & supplementing, PPD. My husband came home a state trooper here. I've been in such denial that we haven't even finished packing. Tomorrow, we're basically just going to be throwing random stuff in random boxes, labeling them what room we boxed them in and hoping for the best. This apartment is gonna charge us an arm & a leg to replace the carpet, so that should be fun..But on the bright side, after 9am Tuesday morning, we will be homeowners!!! That is a huge step, one we never thought we'd get to take. We'll be in debt up to our eyeballs for a few years, but we'll make it work. I can't wait to start arranging and decorating the house. I just want to be finished moving. Okay, a vacation update when I can get to it. Oh, amd my laptop has bitten the dust. We have it running in "safe mode" just so I can access my pictures and attempt to save them to a zillion different jump drives. More on the new house too when we can =)

Vacation Update#2

Is it odd how that now that we have Lulu-Bean I never completely relax? Even on vacation. She is always on my mind..Like right now, she is napping w/grandpa, and my guilt complex has kicked in and I want to grab her & lay down w/her. I know this is unecessary, which is why I'm not doing it. She's fine. She's sleeping (probably better then she would w/me, since she feels like she needs to "entertain" me) but my mind is always on her. I don't feel nearly as stressed as I usually do, I just know she is my constant.

Today was a good day. Well minus the baby waking up a full hour before she usually does. That was rough. I've gotten used to sleeping in til 7:30. And on vacation, the baby will NOT go back to sleep. I think she has started to realize that she might MISS SOMETHING if she sleeps. Totally ridiculous. Silly girl. It started out overcast & cloudy, w/big waves. We thought we might see a storm, but eventually the clouds burned off & it got nice and warm & sunny. I defn. got sunburned. I may not feel it yet, but it's there. The baby experienced the ocean for the first time (just her feet, we sat her on the shore in her Bumbo) and she really liked playing in the sand. She LOVES the pool. We have a little float she uses, and she just kicks around. It is the cutest thing. Oh, and I think she is going to skip crawling all together and just walk (I did). She wants to stand all the time. She doesn't want to sit, unless it's time to eat, at all. It's so funny. She makes her legs completely straight and won't sit down. She still won't sit up w/out a little bit of support, but I'm not too concerned.

I realized that as much as I would LOVE to live on the shore, I would miss the change of the seasons so much. I see FB updates about how there's a chill in the air, and how the leaves are changing and I know that I would really miss that. I want Lu to experience that & to experience SNOW. Maybe we'll move here someday, but I love Autumn too much to do it now.

Okay, must go cook dinner =) More later

Vacation Update #1

So we spent our first night in Cullman, AL. A small town a few hours north of Montgomery. The hotel was/is nice enough (free wifi, yay!!) but our room was so COLD!!! And guess what? The baby decided she didn't need to sleep in her bed and would only sleep and not SCREAM if she was w/mommy & daddy..and we all know I don't sleep the best when she is in bed w/us. Plus, I am so, so congested due to it being 43 in Indiana when we left and 75 when we arrived in Cullman. I think it will let up after we've been back in the warmer weather for a few days..At least I'm hoping it does. Lulu is currently entertaining everyone in the breakfast area while E & I use the computers. Oh, and my laptop COMPLETELY bit the dust last week. It's a good thing I backed up most of the pictures on it, cause I'm not sure if I'll be able to get them. UGH. It makes me sick. There's over 15,000 pictures. Okay, must run. We have wifi at the condo, so I'll be able to update from the beach..Woot =)

Today Was A Big Day

Today..Lulu met the doctor who made her possible..She met Dr. J. I cried..and Dr. J laughed, and said she was "sharp, gorgeous, and hilarious." I agree, and I'm not biased at all.

He really is an amazing doctor. His bedside manner is fantastic, and he is on board to help us kick infertility's ass again. So I'm down 46lbs since I had the baby, but still over, lets say my "ideal" weight. So back on the Glu.metza I go. Yuck. No carbs, no pop. I'll have to dial down the Diet.Cokes gradually since I'm drinking so many these days. IDK if the week we go on vacation is the best time to go on the no carb diet, but we'll see how it goes. The good part about Glu.metza is that the GI side effects aren't nearly as bad as they are on regular Met.formin...and the Glu.metza is now only $10..Yippee!! That's huge since last time it was $60 for 30 pills, that you had to take 3 a day of. YIKES!! I so badly wanted to go back to him, w/a a clean "record"..But no, my body just will NOT cooperate..He said my LP is too short, my cycles too long, and 1 miscarriage is 1 too many..So we are on the 3 month plan. I do the Glu.metza + diet for 3 months. If we aren't PG by December, then we turn on the heat. I asked about my wonky cycles and he said that would probably only get worse the longer I waited to go back on the meds. At least I'm cycling every month-ish instead of once every 3 months. He said we don't need to chart/take temps/use o-tests, just "color" as usual..and he said "hopefully, like last time, you'll come in to "discuss" the options & already be pregnant." That would be ideal. IDK. I'm worried, but trying not to let it get to me. He was amazing, understanding, and fawned all over Lu (as I'm sure he does all of "his" babies). Oh, and remember how I told you I didn't really share that we had a m/c last month? Well, I finally told the SIL, and she was like "you're really trying THIS SOON? You already have one." As expected. I understand how she is feeling, I REALLY do. Which is why  I haven't been giving her all our details. UGH. I really, really hope she gets PG soon. Like on her next cycle soon.

Okay..I've been kind of sicky today..So I'm gonna go lay down & read..Oh, go send some luck, love, and congratulations to Mrs.Gamgee..Ginny is going to be a big sis!!!

Silly Nervousness...

Tomorrow we (well I) am meeting w/Dr. J. Again. To talk about baby#2. All of the sudden DH has gotten back on the baby train, who knows where that will go. One day he wants another baby NOW and the next day, not until she's 5...because he does so much? IDK. <---Sorry about the sarcasm, things have been a little tense in the Joyner household these days. E can't go to the appointment because he has a mandatory police meeting (I just want to scream, this is a MANDATORY doctors appointment w/expletives) but I don't because it's his job.

On the docket this week..Tomorrow, appointment w/Dr. J, which btw, have I mentioned the SIL (yes THAT sister-in-law) is also seeing!? I'm really hoping for 3 main things well, maybe 4..1) bloodwork to check my thyroid (no I have not seen the doc for my goiter yet, oops) 2) bloodwork for what I think is a LP defect which I think caused the m/c last month, 3) the yep, you're good to start trying in earnest for Frogger#2 and 4) something, anything, a tack hammer, vico.din, ANYTHING for these GD migraines. They are intense and daily and my PCP isn't doing sh*t. I also see Dr. R tomorrow because now, my left knee has decided to be even more painful then my right knee (which I'm supposedly having surgery on, on 10/20, we'll see). It hurts so bad. I can barely do the stairs at my parents house. Thinking about moving makes me almost cringe knowing how badly it's going to hurt. We leave Friday for Gulf Shores. I cannot wait. Oh, and may I add, that ISP decided to schedule traffic court (which E MUST attend for any and all tickets he has written) for...Next Wednesday. As in, the Wednesday we are in GS. He asked for this time off 8 weeks ago..WTF!? We may not know until this Thursday if he can go or not. I'm just so done w/this sh*t.

We had a big argument today because, literally, my husband does NOTHING around the house. He hasn't helped pack, he doesn't do laundry, he hasn't boxed anything up for the move. Nothing. And it's nothing new. He hasn't been participating in daily life since he started his new job. His priorities are 1) sleep, 2) police work and a far, FAR 3&4, his baby & wife. I just basically said, "look, I married you for a partner, not a second child. If this isn't what you want, tell me now before I get PG again or we close on the house." He was shocked. I was just so done. I have no more tears to cry, I am exhausted. I just can't keep up this facade. I love him more then I ever have. I don't want to loose him, to loose us. But I am not going to keep d*cking around. I think, I THINK he finally got the picture. He doesn't want to loose me or his daughter, he loves us both dearly, and I don't think (because I do a really good job of holding sh*t in) how truly and really completely over my head I am/was. Pretty sure he got the picture tonight. Hopefully this new attitude lasts. We shall see. Oh, and did I mention, I did finally tell him & my parents about the miscarriage. I don't know why I was in such deep denial. I think I'm scared. I'm hoping Dr. J just tells me it happens & isn't my normal, but I'm scared that won't be the case. Oh & DH? Cried. For our lost baby, for my fears, he just held me. It wasn't the reaction I expected at all, but it was exactly the one I needed.

Okay, must.sleep. I'm sure the night I have insomnia the baby will decide to be up hours early. Night.

10 Years

How is that it has been 10 years? 10 years ago I was 18 years old when the world changed. I was a freshman in college, and literally knew NOTHING about "terrorism" and of course, could never fathom it coming to the United States. How could that even be a possibility?! The things we learn..I remember (and I may have told parts of this story last year) coming out of the shower and thinking what they were showing on TV was a movie, and I changed the channel. I turned to the weather channel (I'm a geek like that) and I actually watched, live, the 2nd plane hit the 2nd tower. And we heard the shocked screams, the "oh nos" the "oh my God" the "how is this happening?" I remember my roommate running in and just standing in our doorway, as we turned to each other and just cried. Our classes were cancelled for 2 days. There were grief counselors everywhere. I remember that real & fake bomb threats were being called in everywhere. I remember my mom telling that no one could get near the state house, or the war memorial, or the skyscrapers in downtown Indy. I remember her telling me to come home, and how I knew, if they were going to bomb somewhere else, it wouldn't be small town Terre Haute, Indiana, where I was. It was surreal. I think, it still is. How could this have happened? How soon until it happens again?

I also think about Lulu and how one day, she will ask me about this, and how we'll have to discuss, and I'm trying to prep myself for that conversation, 6,8,20 years in advance. My parents could barely explain it to me, and I was 18. This is something she will learn about in her history books, the way I learned about Pearl Harbor. But I can also teach her about how people came together. How the American spirit is strong, how it is a priviledge to live in America and how lucky we are as a nation, and as people. I hope that nothing like this ever happens again. I know that may be a fools hope, but it's my hope nonetheless.

September 11, 2011..Always remember, never forget!!!

Seasons Changing..

Today..It definitely felt like Autumn...I like that word. It's so descriptive to me. It brings up images of warm sweaters, hot apple cider, pumpkin patches, Halloween, costumes, fleece footie baby jammies, trick-or-treat, Thanksgiving, chicken & dumpling receipe passed down to me (the third generation) and the thrill that even though she'll only be 10 months old, I will pass the receipe to the 4th generation..my daughter. My birthday, the last year of my twenties, our 3rd wedding anniversary, remembering 9/11, how quickly 10 years can pass, how much we've grown since last fall, when Lu was just a wee girl in my belly, how I have waited all of my life to share our family traditions, to start our own traditions, to cuddle up in front of the fireplace in our new house, how I'm preparing my body to welcome another little being, how to do this, I want to loose 10 more pounds & get these wonky cycles under control, how I pray that we do not have the heartbreak of any more miscarriages, how I am ready to enjoy this change of seasons (even with the exceptionally bad allergy season I am SURE is to follow), how when the wind blows, and the leaves fall, my little girls eyes light up light sunshine & she is enthralled, how I WILL experience everything with her like it is the first time for both of us, how, in this season of change, I am trying really, REALLY hard not to let a co-worker, who is due in 2 weeks get on my bad side because she makes comments like "I can't wait to drink wine again, I can't wait to eat sushi" which really sits poorly on my infertile-beaten heart. How, in this season of change, I hope to hear "we are pregnant" from my SIL & BIL. I would never, ever had wished this on them, but I think now, she understands where we were coming from and why I cried everytime she told us to "relax" and other ridiculous advice...and on that front, I've had 4 twin dreams. I hope to hear that from them, we can't wait to be aunt, uncle, & cousin. And at the other end of Autumn, comes winter, when we will celebrate the day we became "Family", we'll celebrate Elaina and everything she is..But more on that later (and yes, I am already planning her 1st birthday party)..and hopefully..after the new year, my body will be ready to welcome a sibling for her..For now, I raise a glass of (Hard) apple cider & say welcome Autumn..we've been waiting for you!!!

Pretty Sure..

That I had an early miscarriage last month..And I'm not sure how I feel about it. I got one faint FRER & 3 dollar store faint BFP's. I figured they were all evaps, they were that faint. But, uh, I kept the FRER and the line was definitely pink, if the lightest pink ever. The reason I said I'm not sure how I feel about this is, that obviously, I thought I wasn't pregnant, I didn't really have any symptoms that I couldn't chalk up to PMS. I had a 41 day cycle (which I know is long, but I've never been a 28 day girl) and the first 2 days were super heavy w/lots of cramping. We aren't really "trying" but we're (obviously) not preventing. I don't know that I'm ready for another baby (I definitely know I'm not ready for the sleep deprivation) but at the same time, I do want a sibling (or 2) for Elaina..Maybe just not this soon? And also, this bring up all my old fears. 6 miscarriages will do that to a person. I know I didn't do anything wrong. Had the test been pretty blazing positive, I would have, for sure, called Dr. J and gotten immediately back on my Lovenox. We actually see him on the 13th, so I'll make sure to bring this little gem up. I'm hoping we aren't back in the same boat. I hope the PCOS is still under control and that my body knows what to do. Sometimes though, it just feels like "hope" isn't enough. Ugh. This is tough.

But I need to focus on what I have. Which at the moment is a VERY tired 7mo old who does NOT want to take a nap. I think I'll go lay with her and convince her what fun napping really is =)