Too Important To Wait

So remember I told you all that my friend Rachel's kids had a case of the H1N1 at their school last week and her son was feeling ill? Well, he just had a cold..Her daughter (who is 6) is now showing all symptoms of the swine flu. 104 fever, vomitting, chills, shakes, lethargic, etc. She has an appointment at 2:45 w/the pediatrician. That's the soonest they could get her in!! Im so worried for them!! If she does, they will give her the max dose of TamiFlu, plus the whole family will receive treatment..She's gonna update me as soon as they have the appointment..Please send good thoughts her way & again, any comments left here, I will forward to her!!
Thank you!!

Insomnia 2009

We found our new house!! It is in Noblesville, has over 1100 sq. ft. 2 BR/2BA w/a garden soaking tub in the master bath. There is room for a baby (God willing), the kitchen, pool, etc is AMAZING..Check the pics :)




The Kitchen..Holla at the granite countertops, the desk, the dining area, the black appliances (perfect, since our kitchen now is red & black)




The living room & balcony..Much bigger than it looks here..Maybe I can even convince DH to get a new couch (since ours is COVERED in stains from the DD (dumb dog).)


Pool..infinity edge w/a "beach" style entrance..And there are 4 stocked ponds in the neighborhood and is right by Morse Resevoir which is SOOO nice!!


The 2nd bedroom...72 inch windows in both bedrooms, Don't be jealous!!

The master bedroom..Does this look like a hotel or what? Now I'll jus have to learn to keep this clean!!

So here's a problem( yaay for complaining on EVERY post)...Im scared to go to sleep because what if I am having apnea and I don't know it?! Im scared Im gonna die. I know, I am NOT a drama queen in any type of way. Just like I thought odd period=cervical cancer. Ugh, whatever.

Also, I was watching 18 Kids & Counting and 1) I'd be happy to have one or two or four 2) Even if I could get pregnant like that, I don't think I'd want EIGHTEEN kids..Seriously, unless I got a tv show to help pay the bills.

Okay, so thats all. I want some TOAST and it's almost 3am so I need to *try* to sleep..Night :)

Break Down

I had one and uh, I don't feel THAT much better..I basically just lost my sh*t the other night when I wrote about not crying..my mom called and that was it. I was basically hysterical. Both she and my DH we're like "well, you lasted waaay longer then we thought you would." Hmm..but it was like 1am and I woke up DH and he thought the robbers were in the house cause he was half-asleep and finally he realized I was just a big ol mess and I told him biggest fear was not being able to have any babies and he said "we'll adopt, we'll buy them off the black market. They sell babies, right?!" I told him that might not look so good on the old police application and he said "f*ck the police application, I want you to be happy, I want to have children with you, so whatever it takes." So of course, that just made me sob more. He was like, I thought that was a good response? I had to explain, between sob/slobbering that now they were happy, lucky me, tears. I still feel tense all the time, and I think I have sleep apnea, but at least part of it got out. I really just want to scream, to hit someone, like M'Lynn wanted to on Steel Magnolias. Where is my Weezer!? I want to find the kids that held me up and punch the everloving sh*t out of them. Seriously. I think that's self-defense. But I just wanted to let you know that I finally did let it go, and though it feels kind of like some of it was released, Im still on eggshells. FFFFFF.

I think I have sleep apnea and heres why. Whenever I try to nap, during the day, the first 20 minutes will go by uneventfully. After I hit REM sleep, every 5-7 minutes, I startle awake because I can't breathe. Also, at this time I ALWAYS have lucid dreams. Almost to the point that I am standng over myself watching me sleep. I don't know if I do this at night becausa A)Ambien takes you directly to REM sleep and keeps you there til you wake up (which is most likely why t is SO hard to wake up inthe AM). and B) my husbands sleeps like the dead, he wouldn't even notice (unless I mention for him to watch my activity, even then, it's questionable whether he does or not.)....addendum..I was super tired when I wrote this..and I fell asleep and COMPLETELY had lucid dreaming..totally worthless sleep because I was awake while I was sleeping..another bad part about this is that for the first 10 minutes or so after I wake up, I don't remember doing stuff, like today, I opened the sliding glass door and turned on the tv..Completely don't remember. FFFFF. Im completely f-ed up. Yes, I am going to talk to the specialist about this when I see him/her. Also, I believe LMP told me that there is a link btwn. m/c and Ambien..does anyone know about this? What about Lunesta? Cause, uh, I don't know if I can sleep correctly w/o it. I can't have lucid dreaming all the time or startling awake. Anything you know will help :)

You know how people say "bad things happen in 3's?" Apparently, so do people getting pregnant like it's nothing when my DH & I are TTC. A cousin of mine, who is 27, married, living with his PARENTS, sleeping in their living room on the pull-out couch, has gotten his wife knocked up. She's due 02-14. Niiiiice. He said "we've been trying for 2 months" WTF!? Umm, that's not trying, (no offense to anyone) but still, 2 months? Brrrnt. Also, his sister got PG when she was 20 (and engaged to her 30 y.o. boyfriend. They got married 01-13, and NO ONE knew she was PG..she had her son 02-27. She was that pregnant and no one knew. WHOA. Then when her sone was 5 mos. she got pregnant with twin boys, that she had last May...while living w/her parents, brother and his wife, in there basement. I know I shouldn't comment on their living arrangements, but if you can't afford your own house, why are you even TRYING to have a baby, let alone 3 in 1.5 yrs?! I don't know. Maybe Im just jealous. But I'd rather be ttc, knowing we can afford a baby, have our own house and income and good jobs, then just randomly get knocked up living w/my mom & dad w/o even our own bed. How do you even get PG like that? Yes we've knocked boots (I love that sexual reference, lol) at my parents house, but not in the fing living room. Guh.

Umm there were other things. I can't remember cause Im sleep deprived. So any & all advice on the sleeping or (lack thereof) issue would be appreciated!!

One Lovely Blog & Other Randoms

I go an award!! Yaay!! I think I received one on the last ICLW..and I never posted it..I was in a funk then..so I apologize and Im goona do good on this one..Thank you So much Annissa!!
And here are the ladies Im passing them on to :)

• Parenthood For Me: A blog that touches my heart because it's about adoption (and infertility) and Im a big fan of adopting..Since thats how I got get my mom & dad.
• Heather at Production Not Reproduction: This is a blog I found via this month's ICLW..also has adopted children through open adoption and is pretty rad
• LMP at Pag's Place: She always give phenomenal advice and her son is pretty cute :)
• Mrs.Gamgee at Hobbit-ish Thoughts & Ramblings: She also leaves rad advice and good insight..her FIL just passed away so, please go give her love as well.
• AshPash at Endo-A-GoGo: I love her blogs..she is so open and honest and Im a big fan. Also, they have recently started on the path to donor egg IVF, so give visit & leave love!!

I have more I want to add, but I am big time sick-to-my-stomach for.no.reason (like being pg, and yes I havent even ovulated yet & yes I am being pessimistic) but that's that. More tomorrow when I don't feel like Im gonna hurl at any given second.

PS: Darvocet & Spiced Apple Wine=good times..I know..but sometimes you need to escape from your own brain!!

Sad

I had a whole long post...But suddenly..Im overwhelmed with sadness. I just can't shake it and some assanine part of me won't even let the tears come..I have not for the babies we lost in July and earlier this month. I have not cried from fear, or anger, or anxiety about my carjacking and now the fear and anxiety that in order for me not to go off the deep end, we are going to have to move..I have not cried about the fact that in order to have biological children, it might take medical steps that we do not have the money for. I am on the verge of tears about 75% of the time..I can literally feel them behind my eyes..But my biggest fear? If I start crying, I might not be able to stop...

Engagement Rings

So, I know, 2 posts in 1 day, breathe in a paper bag if you need to, to control yourselves.





So I would totally love pictures of my bloggy readers engagement/wedding rings..and here's why..I'd love to do a post or webpage of rings, how the proposal went, who/why the ring was picked out and why (besides being a symbol of your marriage) it has meaning to you. I thnk it'd be pretty rad if everyone participated..And it'd be pretty cool to see all teh different rings.





I'll kick things right off..


This is not my original engagement ring. My original was a 4ct 4 stone princess cut, and it was fake. The DH did not know this and he was tricked when he bought it. AS SOON as he found out, he went out & purchased this one. Also, he picked out my wedding band. It's sapphire and diamonds. He said he chose it because we "got engaged in September, and that is the birthstone of September. It's the "birth" of our life together" I know, awww!!!

So send em!! You know you want to show it off!!

Let Me Tell Your A Story...

Called..

• We need to find a new place to live, I need a new car, and my DH informs me that he's pretty sure I need the Zales 3 stone 1.5 carat Emerald cut diamond ring (scroll down to see a picture, it's on an entry from a few days ago)..Ahh this is why we are married, true love!!


• My boss (the doctor, not KL) is getting his wages garnished..BAHAHAHA. What goes around comes around, thanks for that insight Justin Timberlake :)


• Im a big fan of the Blogger Bingo that Mel made. I've gotten one so far. I know, go me!! Also, for anyone else that is doing it, let me know if I've got it. You only comment on the ones that you have on your board, right? Hope so.


• I have many extraordinarily ridiculous conversations on a daily basis, and sometimes, they make me SO mad!! Such as "Okay, Im leaving (at 6:30pm, when I'd been at work since 7:30am) and KL says "you're leaving?!" Im like "yeah I've been here since 7:30" "Well you had yesterday off" What. The. F*ck!? Shut up.
• I got more then 5 hours of sleep last night!! WOOT!! Im gonna be totally ready to stay up all night w/a baby..Bring it!!
• Im BURNING UP!! I feel like Im havning flashes..can my hormones just neutralize please!?

Okay, thats all for now. Random, I know, but thats me:)

Swine Flu

This is important enough that Im risking getting in trouble since Im posting from work..So you better send good vibes!! :)


My friend Rachel, who is 24 wks. pregnant found out last night that there is a confirmed case of the H1N1 Flu (swine flu) at her children's school..Today she found out that the confirmed case is her daughters best friend..Whom she sits next to at school rides the bus with etc. And her son (who is autistic) is showing symptoms..So she's not sure what the next step is. They may have to hospitalize her son, and keep the 2 of them seperated until A) the tests are back in on whether he has the flu or not or B) if he does, they are going to have to test her and keep them seperated until it runs it's course. Ugh, I don't even know what to say. She's freaking out (obviously) and you don't realize how serious something is until it affects someone you know. People have died from this..I just, Im so scared for them. Please, send good thoughts, vibes, prayer, whatever it is that works for you, send thoughts her way. She doesn't have a blog, but I will send her any comments that are left here. Thank you a jillion tons in advance!!

B*tch

I realize that almost every post since the carjacking has been bitching or complaining, but seriously, I feel like I have no one to talk to. And I feel the need to complain..again.

• We went to the Kia dealership today and I was COMPLETELY blunt w/the saleman about the bad situation w/had at Toyota in October and how we were hoping for a totally different interaction today. It started out phenomenally. I fell in love w/a midnight blue Sorento, Im talking, it's all I can think about. He told us we could take as long as we wanted to decide, which is good because Im very spur of the moment while DH thinks things through...and he wanted to go home & think about it, and if DH is happy, Im happy :) That's why we got married. So anyway, we were there for about 3 hours (why does a car deal take forever?!) and we wanted time to think about and the salesman kind of went batsh*t crazy. He told us we had to decide TODAY and we had to give him a YES or NO answer if he was gonna try to get us approved for the loan. Do I need to explain how that went over w/ the hub? No estas bien. Not to mention that the officer on my carjacking case had called 3x and wanted me to do a photo line-up today (more on that later) so we had to go do that. We explained to the guy that we were really hungry and had to meet w/Officer Hughes and he asked us "if I give you some money, will you bring me something from Bob Evans?" Is that weird!? We we're freaked the f*ck out!! Seriously!? Who does that!? Maybe it's just me. So we left and told him to give us a call if we were approved. He called during dinner and we got approved. He told us there was a "one time deal of $1000" off and we HAD to buy the car tonight. We explained that in order to trade in my car, we had to get a copy of the title & registraton since the robbers cleaned it out when they stole my car. He said "the title isn't important." Now I KNOW you're just trying to make a sale. We can't turn over MY car w/o the title. WTF!? So I said all that to say this. We jacked around for almost 4 hours and I still don't have a new car and we had another bad car experience. Awesome.
• Detective Hughes had me come downtown to do a photo line-up. I told him, like I've explained 97,000 other times, the only person I could 100% ID would be the kid the shoved the gun in my face. I barely even noticed the other kid, plus, I didnt see the kids who broke into E's car. So suffice it to say, I couldn't do a positive ID tonight. It was SO frustrating, cause now, we are at a standstill. The officer said we should drive around the neighborhood and the one across the street to see if we recognize any of the kids that are hanging out. Unless I can get one of them to eff up or turn them in, we are at a standstill. Dammit. Im still scared 100% of the time.
• The OB visit that wasn't. Need I say more. Im just so frustrated/pissed/furious/fed up/sad. I don't want to waste another month & I don't, no I CAN'T endure another m/c. Not this close to the other one. Her nurse did call me back and tell me that she is going to get me a referral by Friday...YEAH, we'll see how that goes. If not, I'll be doing it on my own. Ugh.
• Bring on the dirt, trucks, and dinosaurs, cause both VA Blondie and Aramelle will be welcoming boys by the end of the year!! Yaay..On the pink end, my friend Rachel will be welcoming Kendall Morrigan by scheduled c-section on her birthday 12-10..
• My heart is heavy for Mrs.Gamgee and VA Blondie (the same from above) are looking at possible deaths in their families. Mrs. Gamgee's FIL suffered a stroke last night that they are headed to see him, a trip that will take most of tonight & VA Blondie's grandfather is worse off then she thought and she can't be with him because she on the other side of the state. Please go give them some love & support.

That is all for now. Thanks for sticking with me while I bitch. You guys are the best!!!

PS: Watching Hell's Kitchen ALWAYS makes me hungry!!

ABOUT TO F*CKING EXPLODE

So I called my doctors office to confirm my appointment today..and guess what?!? My PCP F*CKING CANCELLED IT!!!! Oh the joy. Apparently, after my last miscarriage (the one in July, not August) she took it about herself to tell the OB (who practices w/her) that I wouldn't need to be seen because "she's not pregnant anymore" Did she ever ONCE stop to think that that should be my decision!? Maybe I've got question that an OB can answer or she can refer me to someone who can? Then, on the phone, I explained to stupid broad at the front desk that I was seeng the doctor for recurrent miscarriages & and she STOMPED directly on my heart and said "so this isn't for the 10wk check-up?" No you stupid b*tch. Did you not hear me practically SCREAM that I have recurrent miscarriages. Then I made her feel real bad because what I did say was "well I WAS pregnant for 6wks in Nov/Dec, 7wk in Feb/Mar, 4 wks in Jun/July, and 5 wks in July/Aug" MOTHERF*CKER<---that is a word I never say, but I am that angry, THAT upset, that hurt, THAT frustrated. Now I WAIT, again, for her to maybe call me back with a referall. I have all my questions ready, I've been researching what to ask, and now this. This is beyond irritating or frustrating. I am headed towards desperation. All I want (for now) are answers, and I can't get them. Im not going back to her, she's done enough, which is to say NOTHING. Im off to drown my sorrows in pop-tarts, 7up and most likely a new pair of shoes. F*CK.

Such is Life

Life: Aramelle & James found out today that they are having a SON!! And according to the U/S picture..he is gorgeous & has cute feet. Aramelle also found out that her pregnancy is "normal & healthy"


Death: A very dear, dear friend of our family passed away last Friday..We just found out via email..I don't know why no one thought to tell us before..She was a co-worker of my mom's and we were very close up until my graduation. She was diabetic, had lost her site and use of her legs..I know she is healthier now and happier..But it still came as a shock..she was young..we don't know anymore details yet..But please keep her family (and my mom) in your thoughts.

Whaaaat?!

In bulleted form:

• Morrigan: WTF is this middle name?! One of my best friends is having her 5th (!!!) baby in December..Yes, the one that JUST had a baby in December of 2008. This is the name they have chosen, it's another girl...I just can't wrap my mind around the middle name, apparently it means "high queen" in Welsh!? And w/their last name, it's VERY Irish, which her husband is, but her first 3 children have Biblical names & the 4th baby is another Irish name. I just feel like baby names should follow a theme, maybe it's just me. Like the hub & I talked the other day about baby names..and if the 1st child is a "traditional" name (Elizabeth, Lilly, Lukas, Jacob etc) then all of the following children will have the same style name..if they all have "original/unsual" names (Emory, Brynne, Judah, Carys) then the rest will follow suite, etc. I understand that Son#1 was w/husband #1, son 2 & daughter 1 were w/husband #2 and daughters 2 & 3 are w/husband #3, and she has kind of "fit" the children's name to fit the husbands personality...I don't know..I do know that in my brain, when I see "Girl Morrigan" on the annoucement, Im gonna what a Capt. Morgan & Coke.
• Being Fertile: I know, such a blanketed comment, but why can't I be!? I mean apparently Im able to get pg, but my body apparently also loves to miscarry. Yes, I am highly jealous of people that get pregnant when their "baby" is 6-12 mos. old. Yes, lately I have been thinking very much about how I should have a 11 day old by now, or at least be 7mos-6wks pg. Im bitter, Im struggling w/how much this bothers me that Im not a mamma or PG. Somehow, I always "knew" it'd be a problem getting/staying pregnant. My AF has always been a whack-a-doo so I just knew it'd be an issue. I never in my wildest dreams thought we'd have to get through 4 miscarriages in our first year of marriage.
• Going to the OB: So the doctor Im seeing tomorrow is an OB/GYN and I am having a big ol bunch of butterflies. I am 100% scared sh*tless that she'll be like "oh you can't have bio children." Or that something seriously wrong (like cervical cancer), or my biggest fear, that she finds NOTHING wrong & therefore, how can you fix nothing!? I just want some answers..Also PLEASE, BOMBARD me with questions to ask her!!! Im going to talk to her about the fact that I think I have a clotting disorder (or Rh issues) and I don't want to forget anything!!!
• Sex: This is TMI (for most of you) so feel free to skip to the next bullett..Otherwise..This has been on my mind ALL THE TIME for the last 4 DAYS!! I don't know if it's lack of sleep or what the deal is, but Im insatiable..WAAAY TMI-->but my hub is exhausted. LOL. Of course we'll have all this sex now and when I ovulate, we'll be too tired. The OPK's are varying shades of pink...super light 2 days ago, darker today, super light yesterday..can they be trusted!? You know what kind of test I want that has 2 pink lines? One that means PREGNANT!!!
• Insomnia: Umm, where did this come from? What kind of dumb body do I have? It is like the Ambien doens't even slow me down..Im exhausted 97% of the time and because of that Im having mood swings, nightmares & migraines. AWESOME. Any suggestions?

Okay, that's off for now. Leave me sleeping/OB suggestions

Maybe I'm Neurotic

This was gonna be a "PS" but it's too important..Please head over and leave Aramelle hugs, love, and good thoughts. At her last appointment, the doctor said she possibly had low amniotic fluid and said it was "nothing" but wants her to see a Fetal Imagining Specialist ASAP..which is tomorrow!! So go give love


Let me tell you about some of my pet peeves/neuroses..And please add yours in the comments so I don't feel *so* ridiculous :)





1. I hate dirty fingernails: See how this is bolded, big, AND italicized? Thats how much I hate it. I have broken up w/guys and will comment if someone around me has dirty nails. Seriously, if you can't WASH YOUR HANDS, what else are you not taking care of?





2. I need to know where the remote to the DVD player and TV in our room is AT ALL TIMES. This is mostly due to the fact that if they aren't right in front of my face, they are hopelessly lost of in the dogs mouth.





3. Im really bad about punishing the dog. When she is bad, most of the time it cracks me up before I get mad. A "for instance", she has a "room" in our house, it's actually the guest room & the bed is right by the window. She has pushed a hole into the screen the size of her head so she can be "outside." Today, I had the AUDACITY to close the blinds in that room, forgetting how much that pisses her off..and when E & I went in a few hours later, this is what we found...




Mhmm. Nice. And I cracked up. E was SO pissed..LOL..Ands she ran & hid under the bed..So we're not getting back that pet deposit?

4. Being called "girl/girlfriend" at work. I think that is SO unprofessional. We are all adults, Im the youngest person that works there and Im 26..we aren't in 12th grade, Im not your girl or girlfrend. Now, I don't expect you to call me "woman" (thats my husband's job, lol) but GIRLFRIEND!? NO!!

5. People who know we are ttc & have had multiple m/c's who say "oh I know EXACTLY how you feel" or "it took us 2 tries to conceive our twins" or wtf ever..SHUT UP. You have absolutely no idea what it feels like to loose FOUR babies in TEN months. It almost broke apart my marriage, we are still unsteady and to me & the DH 2 lines immedietly means miscarriage, not happy healthy baby, so you cannot know that feeling when you conceived your baby/babies after TWO tries. Trust this.

6. People that leave "anonymous" hateful comments..esp. on my blog friends blogs. I will find you, and when I do, I will hurt you. Know this :)

Okay..before you all think Im crazy..that's enough, though there is a whole SLEW more :)

PS: Have you seen the new Visa Debit Commercial? It has all these people dancind & Morgan Freeman is the narrator & at the end he says "Let your freak flag fly" I *love* it!!

For My 400th Post: Sometimes, You Just Need To Laugh...

And these will do it for ya!! They did for me :)

Grinnin:)

Firstly..THIS..is what my hubby said I "might" be getting for our one year anniversary!! Are you f*cking kidding me?!!? I about peed myself and started crying at the same time..I have had my eye on this ring since BEFORE we got marriage (like since August 2007) If I get this...OMG..I'll scream my head off!!!

So Im so excited about the new bloggy friends I have found so far on this round of ICLW..And thank you all SO much for all the compliments..Im *blushing*

Please explain to me why I am having period-like cramping!? Im not due to ovulate (according to both of my ovulation calendars and my kitchen calendar where I am charting as well) until the 2-3 of September and the miscarriage bleeding/cramping stopped 2 days ago. So WTF!? The pain ranges from twinges to doubling over pain. The OB Im seeing Tuesday better block out about 2 hours of time..Oh also, I haven't called the to tell them I miscarried (this appointment was originally made for my 10wk checkup when I was PG back in July) because Im afraid they'll make me cancel and she is booked for like 4 wks at a time and since my PCP blows, I don't want to waste ANOTHER month not knowing what is or isn't going on. I also got a pretty rad referral from a patient in the drs office I work at, so if this one doesn't work out, I'll be giving him a call Wednesday morning. Either way, Im sick of eating pain pills like candy (wait, no Im not ;)


So we are going back to Gatlinburg for our 1yr anniversary..Maybe I'll finally legally change my name then..LOL..So we weren't going to do this, but we are taking Moo w/us. Yes it is our anniversary, but she is like our baby, and we don't wanna go w/o her. So I was on the phone w/my mamma earlier and in the same sentence that she said "you're taking Moo on your anniversary trip?" she said "You should've invited your dad & I" LOL!! So we did :) The place we are staying is the same place we stayed in April and it is HUGE and has 4 bedrooms, so it has plenty of space. Plus our trip to Gulf Shores was so fun, they are super fun to travel with. So we are all going to Gatlinburg in October :) Im super pumped. I just adore my husband, who btw, looked SUPER hot today :)

Also, it's amazing how my relationship w/my parents (and esp. my mom) has changed since I got married. I never in my LIFE would've wanted to go on vacation w/my parents 2 years ago, now, I love it and I realize how special spending time w/them is. Im very lucky to have such a close relationship w/my parents..and my parents went through infertility as well, so she can relate to what we are going through.

Im thinking letting Moo take a late nap (I fell asleep while we were watching HP2) and she didnt fall asleep til 6...PM..And she is still sleeping, guess I'll just let her sleep?! She usually goes to bed at 8:30 or 9:00, so we'll see if she is waking up as Big E is coming home (at 3am) good grief, Im a bad "mamma"..lol

Okay..off to comment some more :)

ICLW August Intro (My 25 Facts )

I know you all want a fancy intro to ICLW and I don't want to disappoint..and who doesn't love talking about themselves ? ;)

25 Random Facts About Me

1. I am a redhead. Don't be jealous, just love it :)
2. I cannot STAND people who are late or who have no concept of time. Be responsible people!!
3. My PCP sucks big time! She's not getting me the tests I need and it's time to find a specialist!!
4. Im the mother of FIVE angel babies..Im so sick of having miscarriages. In order..Genevieve Elaine (Angel Day 12-19-02), Kara Brooke (Angel Day 12-19-08), Amanda Laurel (Angel Day 03-15-09), Carson Glenn (Angel Day 07-10-09) & just recently Mayah Leigh (Angel Day 08-15-09)
5. Im married to the most wonderful husband..We have really weathered the storm and I am SO glad that we have made it!!
6. I love, LOVE autumn. It is my most favorite season. We got engaged in September, married in October & my birthday is in November.
7. We have a doggie baby..Allie, she is SO bad and we love & spoil her like she is our child.
8. You'll see the name "Moo" on here a lot. We are like her surrogate parents. Her father is a drug-addict and in jail & her mom OD'd and committed suicide in May of 2008. We have her all the time, she has "her" room at our house and we treat her like our daughter. I think she's the daughter God has given us since we've lost so many babies.
9. If you counted correctly, thats 4 losses in 11 months. Im a little bitter.
10. I was born a blonde, like WHITE blonde.
11. I feel most at "home" when Im on the Gulf coast of Alabama or in Tennesee.
12. Along with that, my accent gets more pronounced the more south we get. My mom & I share this trait, though my mom "denahs" it.
13. I want 4 kids..My husband thinks Im crazy, but he's game (the only man who has never been freaked by a big family, I knew I had to marry him). He's lucky, I used to want TWELVE!!
14. I could live off dill pickles and anything with pesto sauce on it.
15. My husband? He's hot :)
16. I f*cking love profanity & I use it, A LOT.
17. Im stubborn, deal with it.
18. I didn't get (substantial) boobies til I was 24. My future daughters will LOVE that.
19. I am a great cook. A nice surprise for my husband.
20. I always overbuy 3 things, toilet paper, spaghetti sauce, & Swiffer Duster refills.
21. I hate loading and unloading the dishwasher.
22. My favorite color is purple.
23. I collect frogs..Anything froggy, send it my way. Our first baby's room will be "jungle" themed so I can display all of my froggy stuff :)
24. I think Obama is one of the WORST decisions America has ever made.
25. I have been blogging since May of 2007. Probably the one thing I have maintained the longest (minus me & hub's relationship, which also started in May of 2007)

So thats me in a nutshell!! Welcome!!

Angry-Sounding Update

Any more of the f*ckin "rememberance boxes" and there going to overtake my blog. Seriously.. I could go for have a for real, live baby, pregnany ticker. Oh, and what is this sh*t about Celine Dion unfreezing an egg after 8(!!!!) years and getting PG on the first try? And annoucing it like b/f the pee has even dried on the test?! Im young, I have great, unfrozen eggs, and my babies don't stay around. I bet you everything goes "perfectly" for her and she doesnt have a care in the world. Im not wishing her any ill will, just DON'T want to hear about it. Oh and can I also tell you that I started the O-tests again to day, and whenever I see 2 lines, I fantastize about maybe one day having ones dark enough that "everyone" can see and they mean pregnancy, not ovulation.

Work has been a clusterf*ck this week and people are just being assh*les this week..We have to have ANOTHER staff meeting (we just had one about attitude, cussing, clocking in/out 2 weeks ago) because there are 2 certain people who just keep bending the rulse to fit THEIR lives. This is your job, put on your big girl panties and deal w/it. I can't stand people who have "wo is me" stories. We ALL have sh*t going on, and not everyone feels like the workplace is the best place to share that. Also, don't bitch about not having "enough" hours when you are CONSISTENTLY late to work and always leave early! And don't tell me about tired, I clock about 50-70 hrs PER WEEK, so you'd don't know tired.

Sorry for all the profranity. It's just that Im about at the end of my rope. I have one nerve left and all my coworkers are JUMPING on it....Ugh..

PS: Added at 1AM..Insomnia..yeah it STILL blows!!

Crazy

Guess what!? I don't want to deal w/ANYTHING!!! Such as, NOT being pregnant, having people make such mean HATEFUL comments, our dog being crazy, my "I" key falling off my laptop, my job being ridiculous, having DREADFUL insomnia, being scared, EVERY NIGHT to come home, feeling like Im loosing my grip..

Cancelled

Today's ultrasound was cancelled because Im still bleeding pretty heavily and my doc wanted to have a clear view of what was going on. Not to mention, Im still cramping pretty bad and having the dildo-cam pressing on my ovaries/uterus sounds like fun I just don't want to participate in. I am FOR SURE going on September 1st. No matter what!! I have kept the OB appointment that I originally scheduled back in July for 08/27 at 11:40am so hopefully she will give me more answers then my pcp (didn't even do bloodwork, "just get an ultrasound").

Please go visit Mrs.Gamgee. She is remember her 2nd daughter, Olivia Noelle, as today would have been her due date. I know the pain she is going through, the numbness, etc. So go give her some extra love.

Also, this show on A&E "Hoarders" is DISGUSTING!! This one lady hoardes food, FOOD. Rotting, food (apples, pumpkins, cottage cheese) OMG!! I cannot even imagine any human living like this. Then the other family has a mom w/a shopping addiction and a dad who is a hoarder. They have 3 kids (one is a baby) and they have to sleep and eat in filth. WTF!? Why did they get to have babies!?!?? This show is gross and pisses me off.

Okay...off to try to find a new house. :)

Whatever

So lately..I feel like, f*ck it..I just don't want to deal w/anything, I just want to be medicated..LOL..I want to stay home in bed & watch old episodes of the Golden Girls, Intervention, & Will & Grace. I haven't been this "down" for a long time..Since my freshman year of college (2001) when both my grandparents died and I got really sick. I just feel like a black cloud is following me and I can't get away from it. Maybe time to refill that Lexapro prescritption? LOL!! Okay..thats all for now, we'll see that goes. Tomorrow is the ultrasound...my biggest fear is that they won't find anything wrong and then, how do you fix "nothing"...Ughh..Im so nervous..and Im still bleeding, so I might to reschedule the appointment again.

Okay..Im getting sleepy, thank you for all your comments and questions. Ill answer back sometime tomorrow :)

Thank You

You guys, your bloggy love and comments have meant more then you could EVER know!! Seriously..I get on here and check because it just raises my spirits. I haven't even been able to cry about these last 2 m/c's. Nor have I completely freaked out about the carjacking..Is that odd? Bad? My hub thinks Im not dealing with it (which Im partially not, if I think about it too much, I'd become a recluse and never leave the house). But w/the miscarriages, I think I'd be more suprised if I didn't miscarry. Im just so sad. And it makes me wonder, does it hurt the baby when the miscarriage happens? I know how much pain it's been putting me through. I just hope they go easily to God, and I hope they get to see their siblings. I literally feel numb right now. Like if I even think about it, I just don't feel anything. Im sad, but I feel like I don't have feelings. I don't know. And I SO want to be pregnant, to hold a baby. The one feeling I DO have is jealousy. I can't stand hearing about other people's "beautiful babies" or their "oops surprise pregnancies" it just makes me so angry & jealous. Whatever. Im so sick of my body being broken..Ughh..Anyway, my hub is taking me out for dinner after we both take a nap..lol..So that will be nice.

PS: Melissa, I think I do have a blood disorder. I bruise SUPER easily, and my periods are super heavy and last 7-9 days, how did they diagnose you?

Loosing My Mind

Bahahaha..next time, IF there is a next time, Im not gonna even announce Im PG, Im just gonna let everyone know when a baby pops out, cause it seems like if I announce it, if I tell ANYONE, I loose the baby. I've been bleeding pretty steadily for the last few hours, so Im pretty sure this is over.

Whatever

What a surprise..I started spotting today..bright red blood. Im so sick of this. I'll be keeping my ultrasound appointment for Tuesday, but Im pretty sure all we'll see is a DB or nothing. Thank you for all your support. 2 m/c's, a carjacking at gunpoint, and 2 break-ins in 60 days. Awesome.

So F*cking Scared

Guys, Im terrified and trying to be excited at the same time. We are already preparing for the worst. I already have an ultrasound scheduled for Tuesday (the one I was supposed to have a few weeks ago to see "what the problem is") so hopefully we can see something. Im POSITIVE I ovulated late, so that might be why the test is SO light and how early does the digital pick it up? My past-preggo friends have said they are VERY touchy.. But anyway, for now, Im PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise.) Thank you for the congrats!!

What Do You See?!

Happy Birthday...

Tonight I am headed to my parent's house because Big E has to work the night shift w/the PD..So Im typing this post in advance, because I don't want to forget...



On December 10, 2008, I found out I was expecting our first child. We were going to break the news to everyone in my family on Christmas Eve, his mom & sister on Christmas Day & his dad's family the day after Christmas. I found out I was due on August 13, 2009, which is my dad's birthday. We didn't tell anyone since it was going to be a surprise..I started bleeding the morning of the 19th, and passed the baby late that evening. I was devastated. I just couldn't comprehend why this has happened...My intuition tells me it was a baby girl, Kara Brooke..and I just couldn't let tomorrow pass w/o remembering that it was to be her birthday. I have since had 2 more miscarriages..and am praying that I don't have anymore. Kara, I would've been a great mommy to you & not a day goes by that I don't think of you and wish you were here, making me hugely pregnant and uncomfortable. Please send down a baby for us to love, and take care of your sister and brother up there. Happy Birthday Baby Girl!!!!


PS: Tomorrow is also my great & wonderful daddy's birthday. He is such an inspiration and I am so lucky to have him as my father! Happy Birthday Daddy!!

WTF?

Pretty sure AF will be in full swing tomorrow..awesome. Another lost month..and I had to reschedule my ultrasound..and now I'll get to do it again because having AF & the dildocam up my who-ha is not my cup of tea. I swear, those effin cheap ovulation tests suck. They said I O'ed around the 24th/25th of July and again at the beginning of August..and like I said, we defn. "colored" at the end of August, whatever. Im so sick of my body. And to add insult to injury, a friend from high school, who had a baby in November, is pregnant again, making the big announcement via Facebook. RAD.

Oh, and the thieves have come back TWICE, trying to steal Big E's car, we had to stay at my parent's house last night because I am TERRIFIED to be alone, the insurance won't help us in installing an alarm or getting the locks changed on the car, it's just been an all around great last 5 days. On a "good" note, I did get my car back. The kids tried to take Big E's car Saturday morning (like 1:30ish) and Allie is the one who alerted us. She was so awesome!!! So the police came, and another officer saw my car down the street, in the middle of the road, and thought it didn't look right, so he ran the plate, and it was defn. mine. So he pulled them over, the kids went running & instead of CHASING them, he just called in that my car had been found. What. The. Fuck? On top of that, I don't think they printed or searched my car (and now Im afraid Im gonna get pulled over & they're gonna search the car & find hidden drugs or a gun) because I searched it after we got it home and found a switchblade (pretty big) open, under the front passenger seat, the car seats were doused in gasoline, and the gas can was in the back and had some HUGE fingerprints on it. Also, the detective assigned to my case called us today to see how we were doing, and he had no idea that we had been robbed, TWO more times!!! Why aren't the police communicating w/each other?! Ugh, Im so ready to be done w/this. I don't want to talk about it anymore, or go over the details or any of that. I feel like Im teetering on the edge of insanity. Being drugged (lol, that doesn't sound good) is the only thing keeping me from never wanting to leave the house again.

Okay, Im off to bed, trying to get some sleep. Neither of us have slept since Wednesday since the bad guys keep coming back.

Im So Dumb

So I totally just accidentally rejected all the loving comments I've gotten so far today..Fudgecicles....SO I apoligize if I rejected you..I didn't mean to..shit!! And I am so thankful for all the bloggy love!!


Longer update later, we are headed to get the Moo!!! Yaaay!!

The Day After

So how about that when they stole my car (and keys) my hubby's car key FOB was on the keychain..and they came back last night and tried to steal his car!! WTF!? But how about that we disconnected the battery to his car (at the suggestion of our rad neighbors) and they couldn't leave. The police got some good fingerprints off his car this morning and they have "2 people of interest." The detective on the case called me at work today and explained what they are doing, they haven't found my car (I don't think they will) but told me about the prints & the people of interest..and gave me his direct number. And he asked me if I could identify the "suspects." I was like w/o a shadow of a doubt. I memorized their faces and voices. Now Im just pissed!! If I see them in the neighborhood, Im gonna run them over. Ugh, I just don't like feeling scared and wary all the time.


PS: Did I mention were in the middle of the 2WW?!!?

It's Begun

The freaking out "what if" dance is all over me..like white on rice. I can't sleep, I've taken 2 Ambien, my mind is racing, I feel like Im gonna be sick. OMG..how am I gonna be alone?! How am I gonna be alone w/Moo? What if she had been with me?! What if they had shot me? What if they try to break into my parents house (my parents key was on my key ring). I just can't stop thinking super bad thoughts..Ughh..this sucks

Carjacked

So guess who got robbed at gunpoint right in front of the house tonight?


Me!! Yep, two black kids on bikes came up and pointed a Glock 9mm at me and said they'd kill me if I didn't give them my keys. They stole my car and cell phone, but didnt want my purse or wallet. They're gonna be real pissed when they realize that A) it's 13 years old B) there's nothing but a 24 pack of Gatorade in it & C)it squeals, SUPER loud when the AC is on.


But now, we have one vehicle, and Big E works a full hour before me and has to drive 30 minutes to work. So thats awesome. I have no idea how we are going to afford a new car. Anyone have one? How much is a lease?

So I think Im in shock. I haven't really freaked out, except right after it happened, I came in and kind of collapsed on the kitchen floor, then called the police and cancelled my cell service. Also, how (not funny) but funny is it that my dad & husband are both cops, and I get carjacked!? WTF!?

So Im gonna go try and eat and not vomit, we'll see how that goes.

A Pretty Good Day

So this gonna be random & bulleted :)

• Tomorrow is my trans-vaginal ultrasound..and we are in the 2WW and Im SO scared that if there is a baby trying to burrow in, the ultrasound wand will knock it out...Can thta happen? Am I being ridiculous? Should I reschedule it until after we find out? Can this ultrasound cause another m/c? Does anyone know!? Help! Im freaking out a little bit.
• Big E passed the written exam for the Anderson PD!!! His interview is set for 08-14 at 1pm. Im so pumped for him. Im trying not to get too excited, but I really feel good about this. It would be so great if he made it. He'd get to go to ILEA (the Indiana Law Enforcement Academy) which means he can laterally transfer to any department in the US when he is finished. And this is a quick process (about 6 wks) instead of 10 mos (like IMPD and ISP). But the academy is TWENTY-SIX weeks long and during the week he has to LIVE at the academy..wtf!? Even if you are married, it's paramilitary training, so that makes me mad, but whatever. I don't wanna be a "single" wife. Oh well, it's his dream, so I support him.
• Tomorrow is our 10 mo. anniversary!! It is AMAZING how close we came to being apart and now we are closer then ever. I never would have imagined that this is where we'd be 2 months ago. Im so glad, & so happy :)
• I've really gotten into "Shark Week" on the Discovery channel. Sharks are pretty rad and it shows that most shark attacks are kind of human made. People swim at feeding time or provoke the sharks...i.e. someone going surfing in an area that has had 4 shark attacks in 2 mos. WTF?! That's asking for it. Also, I've decided Im a big fan of Hammerheads.
• Also, watching the Discovery channel makes me want to be a Zoologist or a Zookeeper, or a Marine Biologist..I need to pick a career..lol
• We are totally thinking about getting another Boxer..are we insane?!

Okay..thats all for now I do believe :) Love ya!!

Here I am

Im here, Im here!!!! I've just been really busy & sick this week, so I haven't updated..I got dx'ed w/bronchitis & a sinus infection on Tuesday, I was SO sick, and the doc called in a Medrol dose pack which she KNOWS makes me sick..so I've just been using my Vicks Vapo Stick and sleeping..a lot. I also got the bill for my MRI, the tech reading the scan, & 2 doctors visits, $997. Oh. My. God. And, that STILL doesn't meat out OOP. So we may have to pay up to $600 for my ultrasound on Tuesday. I SO wish there was something else we could do. That is an INSANE amount of money. Im on a "budget" plan, so I can still see my doctor, but if we have to start fertility stuff, thats gonna be crazy. I mean, at least we'll meet our OOP & deductible, but I don't have an extra $1600. Ugh, insurance sucks.



I've been having insomnia again this week. I don't know what the deal is. It's like my body is fighting the Ambien...ridiculous. I don't want to up my dose because Im already super-groggy in teh morning..taking 2 would make it so I sleep for days. But, this is some of the best sleep I've gotten since high school. I've never been a good sleeper, and at least now I fall asleep and stay asleep til my alarm goes off, as opposed to waking up 5x a night.

Tomorrow is the Heidorn Family Reunion in Boonville, IN..like 3hr 45m away..Ughh..thats a long drive for a potluck meal..but the food is ALWAYS so good..and since my mom's family doesn't even get together for the holidays, it's the only time we see them. I'll have to take pics so you can see my German side :)

Also, can I tell you something..defn. on my ovulation test this morning my *test* line was DARKER then the *control* line!!! Hmm..so since we "colored" does that mean Im in the 2WW? Ugh..I really have no hope. Im so sick of being disappointed..Im not even excited. Im just sick of WAITING.

Okay, thats all for now:)