Salvageable

A bitching post...What else is new?

• I have a FB friend who did the "25 Random Facts About Me" post and listed at the 2 things she absolutely HATED the most as "being pregnant, or wearing a swimsuit post-pregnancy" If I could reach through the computer and bitch-slap the hell out of her, you knwo I would have. Not only did she WILLINGLY get pregnant the first time, she had a second child in October. If you hated something, why would you do it twice?! And why, on God's green earth would you say that you HATED being pregnant??? Do you know what I would give for that? What so many of us would give for that? I feel like that is almost like saying you hate your children, and what the f*ck is that!? She obviously does not know the pain, the sorrow, the desperation of someone who is ttc, who has had recurrent pregnancy loss, who has had post-natal death, who would die, just for one of their children to live. I really want to say something to her, but I just haven't been able to come up w/anything that doesn't involve the words "hateful bitch" or "ungrateful asshole."
• Got a BFN, happy b-day to me. I wasn't really expecting this cycle to take, and because it didn't, I have an appt. w/the RE to see where exactly I am in my cycle, and where we are going from here. I am 17DPO, so if there was a baby, it'd show up by now. I expect AF tomorrow or Saturday..well I expect her, but I don't think she'll show. It feels like this is going to be another forced Prometrium cycle, which sucks balls since I don't EVER start til day 11. Such a waste of time. But on the flip side, because I didn't ovulate on my own this month (well the OPK showed ovulation on the 2nd, but I think it was screwy due to the going off BCP's), I *get* to start fertility meds. Which scares me & makes me feel like Im actually doing something. It scares me because I've heard horror stories about Clomid (which I think is what she wants to start me on) and because now, to our insurance, we will be considered "infertile." Thus far, we have only had "recurrent PG loss." Also, our deductible ($500) and OOP ($1000) starts over in January. We'll meet the deductible the first month due to the DH being on Adderall ($339) and me being on Advair ($267). So thats good news. I guess I should call and make sure fertility stuff is covered. But either way, we are moving ahead. I can't wait anymore.
• Im TERRIFIED of getting pregnant and loosing the pregnancy again. I seriously don't know if I can mentally handle another loss. I might just be done w/the TTC if we loose another baby. 5 losses would be 4 too many. We would defn. consider adoption, but I just think I'll go batty, or be so numb that I can't function. I know I shouldn't worry about the "what ifs" but I do. After so many losses, I don't even get excited or anxious at the prospect of a + HPT or a pregnancy. To me, these are one & the same w/death. I hate that m/c and IF has made me such a pessimistic person. I really try to see the bright side of things, but sometimes, I just struggle.
• This deeply concerns me, but excites me just the same. I was VEHEMENTLY against having any kind of multiples when DH & I first got married. Not so much that I wouldn't welcome them w/open arms, but I didn't "want" them. Now, I want twins. Big time. And I know that's asking for a lot, but I also know for a lot of people, that Clomid has given them multiples. Now, Im not so much a big fan of high-order multiples (3 or more) but I would take whatever God gives me (including a singleton). Just please, a baby. Now, don't tell DH because he is stressing enough about having one..But I think he would be tickled to have 2..Gah. Lets just worry about the getting & STAYING pregnant part first.
• Our upstairs neighbor STILL feels the need to just randomly, at all times of the night, throw his sh*t around his apartment. Seriously!? 12AM? You're redecorating? Get a girlfriend, get a hobby, SOMETHING. Apparently, DH has met him a few times, and he always apologizes for Allie barking. Uh, not so much me. Im like, that's what he gets for being so f-ing loud all hours of the night...and how old am I that late night noise makes me pissy!?
• DH is working the Twilight premiere tonight...and they have no more tickets!! GAH!! So jealous. I told him he is FORBIDDEN to watch it until we see it together. I know, he 100% has no interest in the movies, but I also know, that he can't keep a secret (everytime I've been PG, he's called his mom b/f the pee can even dry on the stick) and he would spill the beans about how good (or bad) the movie is. I've read all 4 books (Im re-reading book 3 for the 3rd time right now) so I know how it ends, but still. Dangit.
• I've been watching The Tudors (Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, OMG) and I am NOT a fan of Anne Boylen. Seriously. What a hoe. And there is so much s-e-x. I didn't know people had that much sex back in the 1500's. LOL..Im so naive. But it is an addicting serious, and I love English accents, and I watch it w/the subtitles on, so I can catch what is going on. Oh, also, I love Wikipedia, for giving quick and semi-accurate information on the show and the history. Wootie.

Okay..thats all for now. Back to the Tudors

Posted by Mai at 9:28 PM | 0 comments  
Labels: Bullets, Im concerned

Thats how old I am, as of today..It was such a good birthday!! And I made out like a bandit..Here's the rundown

• Lunch at Cancun (one of my fav. Mexican resteraunts) w/my coworkers
• a COACH wallet from Tea & Dee
• A "furry" fuschia winter hat & gloves from Kathy & socket outlets (they are these things you can screw in your lightbulb socket, that have extra outlets on the bottom, we are using them so we can turn our outside Christmas lights off & on w/o going out)
• PS: I Love You body spray, hand creme, & body wash from Bath & Body Works (from Ronda)
• A *pink* Snuggie, (yaaay, I REFUSED to buy one for myself cause they are so ridiculous, but I don't refuse to accept on as a gift!!), Love, Love perfume (my Maraschino), and some furry socks from the DH
• A pair of marroon fleece glovesa, fleece patchwork matching scarf and some really pretty dangly earrings from mom & dad (oh, and a lint roller, brrnt)
• Too many FB wishes to count, 6 cards
• Maggiano's w/mom, dad, & DH

It's been a great day. 27 really seems old though. Lol. Im just excited to be moving forward w/our lives. Hopefully, by this time next year I'l either A) have a baby or B)be pregnant, we'll see what the future holds!!

Posted by Mai at 10:22 PM | 2 comments  
Labels: birthday

TMI POST. You are forewarned........................




I feel like new life has been breathed into my marriage!! I haven't been on for a few days because things were just shitty, but literally, I feel so much better...and yeah, it might have had something to do w/(whisper) s-e-x. We hadn't had any for quite some time. Since the beginning of the month, for a multitude of reason, but my not feeling well being at the top of the list, the pain after the HSG. Etc. It. Was. Great.

I think, technically we are on the tail end of the 2WW. The OPK was positive on 11-02, and I haven't really had any signs of impending AF. It'd be 30 days on the 23. So we'll see how it goes. I don't feel PG. I've had some "symptoms." The weird digestive issues, mood swings, emotional, and yesterday, extreme left side pain in the ovary area. But, those could all be AF symptoms as well. Oh, and the insomnia. Jeez. It's terrible. I think there are 2 options. 1) AF comes on her own or 2) I have to have another forced cycle w/the Prometrium. Pass on option 2. I'd love to just start on my own (or be pregnant). But, my body hates me, so probably not. We'll see. Having AF during the Thanksgiving holidays would be AWESOME. GAH.

Tomorrow is my 27th birthday. YIKES!!! Im on the downward spiral towards 30..lol. Oh well, hopefully, this year brings us a baby. I got PG 2 days after my bday last year sooooo...maybe. Oh, and thank you a jillion tons to Melissa for my birthday card all the way from Minnesota...WOOT WOOT!!

Posted by Mai at 7:13 PM | 2 comments  
Labels: TMI

So please tell me why my DH looks hot & like a model in every picture? And I look dumb and gross...But anyway, obviously we had some free time earlier this evening.

Pic 1: Being silly

Pic 2: I LOVE this picture. It is one of my favorite of us.

Pic 3: Just us...look at how green his eyes are & how blue mine are. There's one gurantee. Our kids will have GORGEOUS eyes.

Pic 4: I married him because he makes me laugh =)

Pic 5: This is traditonally how we look. Allie just sneaking in, lookin crazy. Can we use this as our "family portrait" for our Christmas cards?

Posted by Mai at 11:38 PM | 1 comments  
Labels: Pics

Add to the issues, a water leak in the wall of our new place...that is leaking into the kitchen. SO rad. They have to tear down our wall, fix the pipes, replace the wallboard, come back in a week, and repaint the wall. Rad. Guys, seriously. Im just laughing maniacally. I have to pay $400 tomorrow, so thats awesome, and then another $375 due on...drum roll..my birthday. Nice. It's just been an awesome week. Im super ready for November to be over. Im not usually like this, but I just realized today that we will just break even next Friday, and then rent is due 2 weeks from Tuesday. Nothing like being poor. Gah.


3 Thankful Things

1. Not backing down from my boss and getting my WHOLE bonus, which covers the money that is due tomorrow, and then some.
2. My husband. Seriously. So thankful.
3. Moo-Moo. She just makes me smile. She is going home from PS tomorrow w/my mom and she told her "I just love going to visit Moo & Big Evan. I just love them." Aww. Tear.

Posted by Mai at 8:06 PM | 1 comments  

I know, it sounds like a birth control story gone wrong, but no, I am, in fact talking about the organ located below your lungs that helps w/breathing. As previously mentioned, I have been under the weather since last Friday night. Here are my current symptoms. Im convinced it's H1N1. But whatever. Please feel free to leave your diagnoses

• Extremely hard to breathe, as in, using my "emergency" inhaler 1-2x an hour
• Pain after every meal. Including, but not limited to, toast & rice. I've basically just been saying f*ck it, and eating normally and feeling AWFUL!!
• Having to take Pepto-Bismol b/f every meal and usually once in the morning and once or twice in the evening. Like, constantly.
• Having weird noises/feelings in my stomach. I listened to my own bowels (intestines/stomach) w/my stethescope, and it was contant movement. I listened for 15 minutes. There was no crackling/rowles in my lungs, but I am wheezing.
• Intermittent nausea
• NO fever (well maybe a *tad* high for me, like 99 degrees)

The breathing situation is the worse part, and is getting worse daily. It's not so bad during the day, but in the evenngs it's really bad. Like breathing like I ran a marathon. And it doesn't go away. It's constant. And the pain is pretty bad too. Like a costant 5.5 on a scale of 1-10. I attribute this also to stress. The insurance money thing, the not being pregnant thing, and now today, my boss has decided to call in question my bonuses (of which, he owes me $1200 for September/October) and I only want him to pay me part ($400). I broke at work today. My mom came in for an appointment and gave me some money, and I just couldn't handle it. Im almost 27, my mom shouldn't feel like she & my dad need to give us money. And she said she didn't. She said that this kind of debt is so different from like CC debt, because I didn't cause it. There was no stopping this from happening. GAH. I don't want to take the money, but it will give us a cushion, so Im going to. But we will be paying them back.

3 Thankful Things (this is *so* hard for me right now. Ugh)

1. Availabilty of OTC inhalers, since never can I ever afford to get the script every 4-5 days.
2. Busy days at work that keep my mind off all the rest of the FML stuff going on right now.
3. The Blockbuster rewards program: Cause seriously, renting 4 movies for $4.25? You can't beat that =)

Posted by Mai at 10:53 PM | 4 comments  

I just feel run-down. The last few days have just drained me of all my positive thoughts. Seriously. I haven't posted because I just feel like I bitch all the time and I need to be positive. It's not happening, and since I find solace here, in my spot, here's what's going on. It's in bulleted format, but bound to be long, so pull up a chair, get your blanky, etc.

• So on Friday, I got a massage from one of the massage therapists I work with. It felt super good, but afterwards I was insanely dizzy. It cleared about 2 hours later. That night we went to my parents for dinner and I felt totally okay until about 9pm when we got home. From about 9:30-2:00 (am) I was on the toilet. Sorry for TMI. It was waves of nausea, and out the other end. It. Was. Awful. Pain. Lots of it. I haven't felt "well" since Friday. It sucks big time. Pepto-Bismol & I have become close friends. Im not digesting any of my meals correctly
• I came home Saturday from work to a summons to appear in the Marion Township Small Claims Court. Apparently, I owe St. V's hospital $400 plus $456 in legal fees. So I called our insurance that we had LAST OCTOBER (I had to go to the ER because I was having breathing difficulties.) I was given 2 breathing treatments, and an EKG. We paid our $150 copay and left. We received a "statement" from the hospital and doctor for $1050. Insurance sent us an EOB that they would be covering our bill w/only the copay OOP. Apparently not. Im being sued. Awesome. So I talked to the insurance company today, and they told us that we had 80/20 coverage w/a $500 deductible. So what they paid went towards the deductible plus the 20% we have to pay. I told the lady that would've been nice to know BEFORE St. V's hospital sued me. I know that not only did we call in October, but again February and July. She said she had record of me calling, but not the benefits quoted. She said she could look up what I was told and I ask her if she was gonna give me $900, she said no, so I told her I didn't need to hear anything else she had to say. I also talked to the attorney, and they said in order to have the case dismissed, and not go to court, I have to have this paid in full by November 18th (my bday, happy birthday to me). So, does anyone have $856 I can borrow? Im good for it, I promise. My boss owe's me for Sept/Oct bonuses, and I told him I need at least $400 (of the $1200 he owes me) by Friday so I can make a payment. Also, next week is a pay week, so worse case scenario is that some of my bonus goes towards a payment on Friday, and then the rest is paid Wednesday and I get paid again on Friday. Gah & stab. Seriously.
• The sewer backed up in our office today. It took 8 hours to fix it. Need I say more?
• Two of my friends found out they are expecting baby girls this Spring. STAB. Seriously. I don't know that I could be more jealous. One of them is due 2 days before my April EDD. I know they can't help that they are pregnant, but they can help from posting every 5 seconds about it on FB. I know. I could defriend them or whatever, but I just can't cause they are PG. I should be happy for them, but Im not. And I don't comment, even though I want to. Also, one of these friends is due at the end of March, CONSTANTLY bitches about how she "can't wait to have her body back" and bitches about having 2 kids under 2. Firstly, you can prevent that & secondly, I would give anything for that.

3 Bloggers: Go Give Love (Otherwise known as 3 Thankful Things)

1. Sassy: Had 4 great eggs transferred via ICSI, go give her love and luck!!
2. AshPash: Used DE's for this cycle and transferred one excellent and one good egg, so go visit her while she waits to POAS (her blood test is on my birthday, yaay!!)
3. Kelly: She has experienced 3 losses, and is meeting w/the doctor soon. Please go give her love as she demands (and deserves) all the tests she can have.

Posted by Mai at 9:18 PM | 1 comments