I'm Just Here

So since the fiasco that was/is "Miscarriage 2012" I am just kind of here. Not really anything exciting going on, doing day to day things, taking care of my toddler (18 months last Friday!!) but I sometimes feel like I'm just going through the motions. And my DH has decided over the last few days to be completely bi-polar. IDK if that is how is dealing w/this recent loss (or if he is at all) but its driving be bananas. I think my hormones are still out of whack, because I am exhausted the majority of the time..That or depression or, now that I think about it, the baby has been having a horrible time sleeping over the last 4 nights. Oh yeah. Ugh. Those 3 combined are big fun. Anyway, I've had 3 friends confirm suspicions of pregnancy. I know that sounds like I'm not excited for them..Probably because I'm not. Well, I'm excited in a way that it's always good to welcome new babies, but not in a way that it's a constant reminder of how far along I should be. One of them is due in March, so when she told me, it was like a gut punch, but whatever. Right now, I'm trying to focus on what I can control & not what I can't. Such as planning a girls getaway & a fall getaway..Both to Gatlinburg..Miss E hasn't ever been there..Well she was back in 2010, before we even knew she was on her way, but she was there :) Our girls getaway was so much fun last year, we were going to go back to the Dunes, but it's been so ungodly hot that it wouldn't be very much fun, especially since the water will be like bath water, not refreshing. Anyway, I have literally like 3 or 4 posts in the que, but they are unfinished & I just keep going over & over how we lost the baby & how much it kills me. And I just keep rehashing it, kicking a dead horse, chewing the cud, etc. IDK why some of the m/c affect me more then others. Our first one (in 2008), our 5th (in 2011), and this last one have really brought me down. Each for different reasons. Some I can put my finger on (our first pregnancy), and some I can't..Like this latest one. I feel like I should've known. Not told anyone, not gotten excited, etc. But I didn't. I allowed myself to feel. To hope. Dumb. Okay, my stomach hurts (as it has for weeks now) and I'm gonna go let my Olympic freak flag fly.

Fear

Maybe it is this latest miscarriage, maybe it's because I've been reading so many books on the Holocaust, or maybe it's just because sometimes I just think too much..But lately, I've had thoughts about how I would survive if Lulu did not. Especially while she was in the NICU. I've never told anyone this..but we had her funeral planned. When your baby is born, cries once, and stops breathing & the next time you see her she is hooked up to a gazillion machines, one that is helping her breathe, that's kind of where your mind goes. And lately..It's almost like a little spark on the back burner. And I don't know how to shake it. If I lost her, I can't even put into words what would happen to my life. I don't know that I would know how to live. I don't remember life without her. She is my heart living outside my body. I can't imagine God would be that cruel, but it happens all the time. It has happened twice, in the last year, to someone close to me. I read babyloss mama blogs sometimes, realizing that life does go on, that these are the strongest women on the planet, and yet, I don't know if I could do it. I guess, in some respects, I have. We've lost 7 babies. My gosh, putting it out there like that makes it seem, so huge, so I can't even explain it. Seven. Isn't seven supposed to be a lucky number? Hmm, obviously not. Seven what ifs, what could have beens. Seven futures gone in the blink of an eye. I really hope we don't have to go through this again. Because obviously, it's weighing pretty heavily on me. I realize that it *might* do me some good to talk to a therapist, but seriously, I don't want to re-live the miscarriages, the pain, the excitement, the disappointment, the anger, etc. over & over. Espeically with a stranger. But it makes me hold our miracle girl that much closer, give into more of her whims, not punish her as "strongly" as maybe I should. We love on her all the time, my heart almost bursts when I see her after a long day at work, I refuse to stop co-sleeping until she is ready, and I really want to make her a big sister. I want her to have that experience. I think I just needed to get this out there that I do have this fear. Hopefully, writing it out will help put it to rest.

Wuss

I didn't called Dr. J yesterday as I had intended..Mostly because I was curled up in the fetal position WILLING the pain to stop. It was *close* to the pain of those first, early contractions. It hurt all the way around my pelvis and up my back. I was in tears a lot. And the blood. Oh my goodness. I thought I was hemorrhaging again, had to keep a close eye on it for a few hours. But it has seemed to slow & the pain has let up. Then, his nurse called today & he wants to see me to discuss my plan..Of course he does, now that my baby had died. I was like, um, sure. So yeah, I didn't tell anyone off like I wanted to & even set up an appointment for August. If I'm not seeing a new RE by then, or even if I am, I'll go to that appointment. Mainly because he NEEDS to know how horrificly he f*cked up. That this is not okay. That I CANNOT go through this again. I need to be monitored, maybe a little more closely?! WTF. Ugh. Obviously, I'm still pretty pissed. Hopefully, I'll have my courage up by then to be able to tell him how I really feel.

Oh, and can someone please explain why my husband chose NOW to decide to fight w/me over petty sh*t? He wanted to act like he was in denial I was even pregnant, even going so far as to try and tell me "maybe you weren't" and we literally had a such a fight that I had a bag packed for the baby & I and we were leaving..Seriously. I don't know what his problem is, but it seems to crop up every few weeks like this..and I love him w/all my heart, but I'm his wife, not someone he can just rant & rave at for no reason. And to choose the days I'm miscarrying OUR baby to fight with me, when he knows I'm weak & emotional?! That's just horsesh*t. I was so, so pissed & hurt. And when we talked about the whole situation later, he denied that he had been anything but "frustrated" and couldn't see why I at ALL thought he was mean or degrading. Sometimes, seriously, he's an asshat. Today was a little bit better, but that's probably because we both worked. Ugh.

I think for now our 2nd baby plans are on hold..We will obviously keep trying, but until we get a new RE or I guess get a plan from Dr. J, there's not much else we can do. I bet Dr. J is going to try to get me to do injectibles, which we cannot afford and w/the Clo.mid, the first 3 cycles, our timing was just off, so I don't think that's an issue since I responsed so well each time. We just have to remember to make time for "coloring."

Okay, I'm sleepy & in pain & there is a cuddle bug in our bed just waiting for me to snuggle up next to her..Yep, 17 months & counting of co-sleeping..and I'm totally a CS advocate. Never thought I would be, but there is no place she sleeps better..and CIO is just NOT for us. No one should have to fall asleep crying, especially a baby whose only means of communicating is tears. It's ridiculous. We tried it last winter for maybe 2 days. Yeah, it broke my heart. I'm not gonna let her just scream like that. She usually starts off in her bed for 3-4 hours, then comes to our bed about the time I'm headed to bed (between 11-1) and then sleeps until 6am, usually w/one wake up for water. Lately, she has been a TON more clingy (I believe that happens at 17-18 mos) and so she's only been staying in her bed for 1-2 hours, which is okay w/me. I have to lay down w/her to fall asleep, but once she is, I can do my thing or go to bed as well. It just works for us, and nothing is better then waking up to her smiling face. Love that girl =)

Struggle

"They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye' for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what she is doing that when she looks behind her, I'll already be there."


7 miscarriages in 3.5 years. I'm averaging 2 per year. I cannot continue this way. We are not done building our family. God has more babies in store for us. I understand that "everything happens for a reason" but when a DOCTORS bad decision is the reason for this happening, I can't help myself, I'm angry. I'm so sad, that today, at church, as soon as my momma hugged me, I was sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe. My momma went through eleven years of TTC before I came into their lives. She had at least that many miscarriages. The last one was when I was 18 mos old. It almost killed her. She knows my pain. She cried with me. I just couldn't keep it together. And I have for the past few days. I needed to be strong for my daughter. But this time, I just couldn't, because my other daughter was leaving my body. Her spirit was gone. My baby, our baby, Lulu's sister. Gone. And usually, (as much as I hate to admit this) I'm pretty pissed at God. This time, my anger is directed in a more earth-bound way. Tomorrow morning (well later today) as soon as I can call Dr. J's office, I will, and the words I will have for him will not be kind or thankful. They WILL convey the deep sense of loss and hurt that I feel. He failed as a doctor. And he helped us get our miracle, our sweet girl that slumbers peacefully in our bed even now. But, because he CHOSE not to answer my calls, to take my information, to SEE me, fully knowing my history, there will be no second chances. I cannot continue to put my body, my mind, my HEART through this. I need a doctor who cares about his patients, and whose nurses feel the same way. I hope we can find that person..

I will admit that there was a little bit of doubt with God. I prayed, w/o ceasing from the time I saw that 2nd line. And now, I just wonder why? And I asked God if we were to be finished w/our family building, and if that was the case, to give me peace with that decision. The peace never came, but the answer "no" did. No, we are not finished building our family. Somehow, we will have more children. And "no", now is not the time. Why, I don't know. But that is the answer.

I'm really having trouble getting my stuff together. After the secret m/c last July, I think I was so surprised we had gotten PG on our own, and so soon after my 1st PP cycle, I was able to just, almost ignore it, and move on. Not so much this time. I feel like I did after the m/c before we had Elaina. I just want to sleep. All day. I want to eat Dunkin Donuts, and pain pills, and anti-depressants until I'm full & numb. And then sleep some more. And the pain, oh the pain. It's intense. It makes me want to be sick, and it's all over my body, but the jolts being sent into my hips & down my legs, ahh, those are fun. I think all miscarriages should come w/either an epidural or Fen.tanyl lollipops. But today, when I was at my lowest, when the tears wouldn't stop, when sleep wouldn't come, in walks my miracle, my little girl, the love of my heart. She said "up mama, up" and I pulled her onto the bed with me where she was content to let me snuggle her, to smell her hair, and for me to realize, this is what God provides. I have lived through 6 other miscarriages to come out on the other side with this amazing little girl. I will come out on the other side of this miscarriage with another miracle. Another life that God created. She then reached up & grabbed my face, pulling it into hers and kissed me. "Mama, love, mama, love." And the healing of my heart began.

And Like That, She's Gone

This baby was a girl. I promise you that. Marisa. And this morning, she's an angel. Well, she probably has been for a few days, but this morning, the blood came. Lots of it. I'm scared that I'm headed for an ER visit if it doesn't stop, or at least SLOW down. Clots. My baby. My sweet 2nd daughter. And the worst part of all this? This could have ALL been prevented. I could still be happily only able to keep down pita chips & Sprite Zero, oh & lemonade, the lemonade craving was vicious. I'm so hurt, angry, numb, scared. But mostly, ANGRY. Thank goodness I'm already on Cym.balta, or I would need a high dose of something. Last night, it was a bottle of moscato. Yep. All by myself. And I slept like the dead. And this morning, though I wasn't prepared, there was pain. Lots of it. And I'm fucking glad. Because pain means she was real. I wasn't crazy. I'm not crazy. My body knew, and my doctor, who took the oath to "cause no pain" or whatever it is, did. HE is the reason Marisa Evelyn is no longer alive. I hope church brings some peace, but for now, I'm numb.

Waiting Game..*Updated*

Caved & went for a blood draw today. Apparently, according the Dr. J "two faint positives+negatives+no bleeding=inconclusive". Umm, are you sure!? Ugh. I had the nurse go ahead and write the script for the Pro.vera (hopefully no D&C will be needed) and she was all "have faith..blah blah" and all this other optimistic shit..Lady, after you've had six (this one will make seven) miscarriages in 3.5 years, YOU be optismist. As The Rock would say "know your role & shut your mouth." Now, the waiting begins. I think they make the "bad" calls last, so thats where I sit.

*Update*
You know, sometimes, I HATE being right. Miscarriage confirmed. Not viable, etc. So that makes 7 miscarriages in 3.5 years. Fantastic. Shoot me now. And this could have ALL been avoided. Seriously. I called almost TWO weeks ago w/news of my positive test...and was told to wait until 14DPO. Are you fucking serious!? This is the doctor that DIAGNOSED my clotting disorder, who told me THAT was the reason for all of my early miscarriages, and his NURSE is telling me to wait to come in!??!?! He is the one who told me that I have to get on Lov.enox ASAP in order to have a successful PG. Apparently. I said this much when they called. I also informed them I will be seeking a new doctor for treatment & the nurse said he'd want to see me first. Fine. And discuss what!? How it is his fault that I was pregnant less then a week ago & now I'm not!? Because that's the truth. I'm so angry I could scream, and so numb that I can't cry. Oh, and just for fun, my pharmacy closed at 6pm when I thought it didn't close til 8pm. So, I can't get the meds to get this shit going OR get the Vico.din. Nice. Glad there's some moscato chilling in the freezer. FUCK.