Insomnia

Is the worstest..tell me why the f*cking Ambien isn't working?! I took it over an hour ago..What.The.Fuck!? Shoot me now

In Memorium

Okay..so since Mrs. Gamgee said it was okay..Im going to tell you the names of the babies I've lost..and tell you their EDD and Angel Day..Cause I feel like I need to, to make them somehow how more human. Im just sad they aren't here...



Kara Brooke
EDD: 08-13-09
Angel Day: 12-19-08

Amanda Laurel
EDD: 10-27-09
Angel Day: 03-15-09

Carson Glenn
EDD: 03-15-10
Angel Day: 07-10-09



Getting closer to my EDD w/our first baby is making me really, really think about my 3 miscarriages. Im scared to get pregnant again, because I don't, no I can't, loose another baby. I just feel like I'll loose my mind if that happens again. At the same time, I also think about the fact that I could carry a baby to term, only to have it die at birth, or have some abnormality...I know, it's ridiculous to think of all the "what if's" but I can't help it. This feeling sucks..usually I can push it to the back of my mind, in the "things I don't want to think about" category, but lately, it's kind of always there.


On a completely unrelated note, I absolutely cannot believe Im admitting this..But I have started reading the Twilight series..and the book is one of my new favorites..It in NO way is better then HP, but it is damn good. And Im currently watching the movie, and Robert Pattison is pretty hot..lol..and the movie is good too, although not 100% w/in the storyline.


Also, we didn't get to go to Eagle Creek today (wah) because the hub has been feeling really sick. I think it's because he hasn't been working out, and the physical agility test on Friday was HARD and he really pushed himself. But on the way there, he started feeling sick to his stomach, and we all know I don't do vomit, so we turned around and he took a 2 hour nap and went to bed about 20 minutes ago. I hope he's not getting sick againg. Poor Hub.

Scratch that, Eagle Creek it is

Thanks to the insomnia, both the hub & I had it last night, we slept in til 12, so we are now headed (w/Miss Allison) to Eagle Creek Park. Hopefully I get some good pictures since last time (when we saw 3 deer!!) I didn't have it with me. Okay..update w/pics later..Oh, and Im so pumped cause Aunt Becky is now one of my "followers" woot!!

Oh & a PS: Is it weird that I "know" the sex of the babies I lost were? Is it even weirder that I've named them? I feel like the first 2 were girls and the last one was a boy..Is that odd? Does your body just know or am I just being crazy?

Saturday :)

So it's was just another Saturday..nothing really exciting..Except that last night I COULD NOT go to sleep..I don't know what the deal is. I've been having this insomnia issue about 3x a week, even when I do take an Ambien. It's like my body is fighting it. Ughh..So I didn't fall asleep til 4:30 am & then had a MASSIVE asthma attack around 6AM. Big E thought he was gonna have to take me to the hospital. I just couldn't catch my breathe and was coughing so hard. I think I must have a touch of bronchitis. I've been so wheezy..so I don't know. So I went back to sleep around 8:30 and slept til 12 and then I just couldn't wake up. When I have asthma attacks like this (which isn't very often) it takes my body a long time to recover...therefore, I didn't really get anything done today :( Ugh..I gotta stop being so lazy. Eh, oh well..

I have 3 new obsessions...1) Arizona Half & Half (half tea/half lemonade) 2) Wendy's Crispy CK Wraps (mm nom nom) & 3) Getting another dog (Puggle, Boxer, Pembroke Welsh Corgi, Weimeraner, whatever). I know the last one, my husband thinks Im INSANE, but I think a playmate (even if it is a smaller one) would be good for Allie..Plus since Im so inept at making live babies, I figured another dog would do me good :)

Okay..Im getting sleepy, yay for the Ambien working 1 night out of 7.

PS: We are going to Nashville, IN tomorrow, Im SO excited & Im watching the dog show, and the little "Toy" dogs are FUG

Bad Commenter

I've been terrible on this ICLW so far..The first day I did really well..But I've kind of fallen off the wagon..So here's a quick update..Cause Im having sinus issues and not feeling good (what else is new?)

• Big E took the Anderson Police Test today..and PASSED!! He so, SO nervous..He hasn't been working out etc and figured he was gonna fail big time, but he did the best he's ever done..I am SO proud of him. The next step is the written test & oral interview next Tuesday. The process is only about 30 days long, which is SO much better then the 9-10 months it takes to go through the state police or IMPD processes..and *when* he makes it, he'll still get to go to ILEA (Indiana Law Enforcement Academy) and then he can do a lateral transfer to any department in the US :) Yay!!
• We went to Walmart today ( and spent over $250, oops) and the hub said he wanted me to buy "for real" pregnancy tests for next time, just in case. You know the ones that say "Pregnant" "Not Pregnant"..Not ones you have to squint and tip the computer screen just the right way to see..lol..So we got some Clearblue tests..5/$20, so thats only $4/test which is a LOT cheaper then one at a time is...Ahh, we'll see if we need them. My O tests are getting progressively darker (yes, Im keeping them all to compare & see if they are working or if Im ovulating at all)..We defn. declared "All Sexin All the Time August" next month..LOL!! It can't hurt to have as much as possible..LOL!! He's been REALLY tired and had a bulging disk this week in his neck (which Dr. B has been working on, yay!!) so there hasn't been much hanky-panky going on..well except for tonight..lol..Maybe TMI, but oh well :)
• Very *random* but these dumb bitches on MTV's Sweet 16 are absolutely ridiculous..Seriously..Umm for my 16th b-day..I don't even remember what I did. I think we went to dinner, and I had some friends stay over? Not have some jungle theme party w/4 costume changes (one dress worth $8000)..her biggest worry is weather to make her "entrance" via daddy's yacht or private plane!??!?! It's like an accident, I just can't look away (same thing w/the 16 & Pregnant Finale/Reunion thing, ugghh)
• My face is so terribly broken out..But my new *organic* face wash seems to be controlling it. The redness isn't as bad and there's not 1 million zits all over..It'd probably help if I used it every day like Im supposed to. Thinking of that, I am having SO much troubling remembering to take my med. Im supposed to take my Lexapro in the AM and my Zyrtec when I get home b/f bed. Thats why Im so effin stuffy.
• We are going to Nashville, IN (in Brown County) on Sunday!! Im so excited. It's like a miniature Gatlinburg. Hopefully Big E will buy me some stuff..LOL..Also, in 2 weeks (the wekeend of the 7th) we are taking Moo to the Children's Museum to see the Egyptian/King Tut exhibit. I am 100% pumped about this.
• We are planning a trip to Gatlinburg for our 1year anniversary (we honeymooned here). Im going to *finally* legally change my name for my husband and we are thinking about renewing our vows..After everything thats gone on, Im more in love w/him then I was on our wedding day. I can't even explain it, but I love him so much. I can't imagine my life w/o him now. He said the same thing about me. We just had so much fun tonight doing everyday things (like goofing off at Walmart) and we had an arugument, but we got over it & it didn't drag out. Im still kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I don't think it will. Im so thankful!!

Okay..Im sleepy, but Im gonna try to stay up so I can sleep in in the AM..lol..

PS: Some super, end of the day fun..My permenant retainer (yes I had braces) behind my lower teeth, keeping them straight, completely pulled out today..OMG!! I hope we have dental insurance!!

ICLW Introduction July Part 2

Stupid Blogger..Put these in BACKWARDS..So start at the bottom:)


We got murrrrried..For real, on October 4, 2008, my grandparents 67th anniversary. It was, the happiest day of my life, seriously. We went through a seperation from March-June, and it was SO f*cking hard. I really could not see myself w/o him, or anyone else being the father of my children, but we had to get away from each other to realize how much we want to be together. I know that sounds dumb, but thats how we are. I am crazy, spastic, and loud, he is calm, pulled together & quiet. We literally go together perfectly..Not to mention, he is pretty damn handsome. I cannot wait to have children with this man. He is going to be such a wonderful father. Each time I've lost a pregnancy, it devastates me, not only because Im loosing a baby, but because I am not making him a daddy. He NEVER makes me feel bad about this, but I do anyway. The last time I was pregnant, he was SO paternal, feeling my belly, talking to the baby, and consoling me when I thought I was going insane. I love him more then anyone else. He is my husband, and I am proud to say that!!
This is my sister-in-law Lindsey (who I sometimes bitch about on here because she is quite the busy-body), my wonderful mother-in-law, Becky (who is amazing, not the crazy mother in law you read about, thats the lady in gray), his dad, Dennis (look at that hair!! No worries about going bald in this family), and his wife, Zaiga (who has made his dad a TOTALLY different person, and NOT in a good way).

This is my mom, me, & my dad at our wedding (10-04-08). My husband is the son my dad never had. I have never dated a man that got along so well with my family. He and my parents are like old souls together. We all just click.

This is Me:) My hair is longer and not as curly now..but this is in April of 2008, 6 mos. from our wedding date. Big E didn't get to go with me on this trip (to Gulf Shores) but we went a year later w/Miss Moo.

This is Big Evan, the hub, etc at Christmas-time 2007. We had been together for 6 mos. and engaged since September..He has lost a TON of weight since then & Im pretty sure I've gained it all.

ICLW Introduction July

I totally forgot yesterday started ICLW!!! Im gonna try to do a picture introduction later (if blogger co-operates) so get excited (and come back) for that!!
My Basics (real quick)
Married 10-04-08
TTC: Since the evening of 10-04-08
Miscarriages: 4... 12/19/02, 12/19/08/ 03/15/09, and most recently 07/10/09.
Testing: Began treatment with bloodwork yesterday, being referred to a Maternal/Fetal Medicine Specialist. Please read yesterday's entry on more information.
Age: 26
Husband: Big E, Clonker, the Hub, Etc.
Our Baby: Moo-Moo (read back to summer 08 on her story)

Okay, more details and pictures later, after work. Welcome!!

Thank You & Doctors Update

Thank you SO much for all of your advice & good wishes. I felt really prepared for today's visit and I took no shit. I feel better about the situation, not 100%, but *better*.
Here's the rundown:

• I have recurrent miscarriages (REALLY!?) and I am going to be referred to a Maternal/Fetal Medicine Specialist. Can anyone tell me if this is good news? I *think* it's better then OB but not as good as seeing an RE? (being in the medical field, I really should know this).
• There are 2 options at this point..Bot involve a pelvic/intravaginal ultrasound. You have NO idea how much Im looking forward to this. She did the Beta HCg test today (FINALLY) and said "oh you should've had this earlier." For real?! DUH!! Maybe if your office returned phone calls?! And she wants to see what my levels are..If they are REALLY low-none, then she says "it was a false positive and is just a heavy period" Now, let me just say, Im not just too dead sure I care what the results say, I was pregnant. I was on BC, I was 6 days late, I've been pregnant 2 other times this past year, and I KNOW what pregnant feels like to ME. So whatever. She said she is hoping it was "just" a weird/heavy period because then Im not high risk when I do get pregnant. If it was a m/c (which it WAS) then I will be deemed "high risk" when/if we do get pregnant again because of the recurrent m/c situation. Im figuring this can be solved by blood tests for both Big E & myself..or Im deluding myself into hoping it can. My PCP wants to wait until after we get the beta results (which SHOULD be tomorrow afternoon) to schedule the ultrasound.
• To answer some questions..I have no idea about any of my reproductive-ness except that my uterus is tilted (retroverted?) towards my back. Which is why I have such HORRIBLE back pain during my periods and will most likely have really bad back labor, should I ever get to the delivery stage of a pregnancy. I learned this when I was put on BC at age 15. I also know that i have ALWAYS had wonky periods. Thats why I went on BC in the first place (how wasteful of me, lol!!) They were so bad I would miss school the first 2 days of each cycle. They finally evened out, on all weeks, my honeymoon!! And since then (except for when I was PG) they've been every 28-30 days. Im hoping my body gets right back on cycle. I also am pretty sure I ovulate every cycle. Obviously, I've ovulated at least 3x. I've never had the "egg white" stuff, but my discharge (man, that word is gross) gets heavier mid-cycle. But like today, I felt SUPER crampy on my left side, but my O-test still is saying I haven't ovulated, plus, the I just stopped bleeding 2 days ago. Is that normal? Could the pain be leftover from the m/c? I have no idea if I have PCOS (I don't think I have all/any of the symptoms) or endometriosis (although Sassy said she does, and I have the same symptoms as her). This is something we'll find out after the ultrasound.
• I have had the ultrasound before. I had TERRIBLE bleeding and Septicemia in April of 2004 which landed me in the hospital for 4 days. I had infection in my lungs, stomach, intestines, uterus & both tubes (and it was of "unknown etiology", I think it came from having pneumonia). I was VERY lucky not to be sicker then I was. I had an ultrasound then along w/an MRI, which showed nothing. I had 4 follow up ultrasounds after that, which showed no cysts, or endo or anything except the tipped uterus. So Im not sure. Thats been 5 years ago, and 4 m/c's later, so Im sure something has happened. Im hoping we can answer all these questions..she also REFUSED to put me on anything until we figure out what the problem is..UGHH!!! I want to be on somehthing cause I guess that would feel like a plan to me.
• On the knee front, I have Plica..In other words...the cartilage in my knee has folded over itself from my 2 falls. The ligaments "healed" themselves, but now, I have this fold. IT HURTS!! I also have a hairline fracture in my patella, but nothing that needs surgery. She told me to continue PT at work and do exercises at home 2x a day. She said it will take up to a year to fully heal. Awesome.

Okay..thats all. If you have any advice/questions..Please let me know:) And thank you again for everything!!

My Plan

Okay so tomorrow I am seeing my PCP. I scheduled this appt. for my 3mo. BC check-up..But since we have A)gotten back together & are TTC & B) have recently had a MC, it's not about that anymore. I want to either have her do bloodwork on both Big E & myself, start me on some fertility-aids, refer me to an RE or an OB..etc. I want to explain how BAD my AF is..The cramps are nauseating, the back pain is awful, the flow is very heavy, and Im extremely fatigued. This did not change while I was on BC (which it has in the past). I also want her to know that I think the recurrent mc's are due to a blood problem btwn. my hubby & myself (Rh factor or whatever)...SOMEHOW things aren't clicking..and Im loosing my babies (and quite possibly my sanity). Something has to be done, and I promise Im not leaving tomorrow until she gives me some kind of plan..Does anyone have any suggestions as to what else I should ask? This will be my first fertility related talk w/the doc, and I want to be completely prepared and not let her get away w/not giving me more answers or BS. Wish me luck!!



PS: Im watching Intervention, & this crazy bitch is inhaling PC cleaning duster (up to TEN cans a day) and she is just screaming and carrying on for no reason...Bah!! Nothing makes you feel better abour your issues then seeing someone on national television who is CERTIFIABLY batshit bonkers!!

Just A Quick Post

People have been asking what brough Big E & I back together..and the answer is, honestly, I don't know. I don't know if it anything to do w/ the possible impending baby...And I was waiting for the other shoe to drop after the m/c and it never has. He has communicated very well, he has been the "attentive" husband..It's been very nice. Now granted it doesn't forgive everything else that has happened..But it's like we just clicked again, just stuff got into place and we were like, this whole divorice thing is stupid. Lets work it out...and we are..and we just "colored" and jeez, it felt good. To just feel whole and loved. It was nice..and it was our last worry..and it went well:) So may TMI, but it's my blog. Im feeling very content and sleepy right now...Just a small *yay* for myself & the hub :)

Out of the Mouth of Moo

I forgot to add some *priceless* things Moo said this weekend...

• Her newest thing is to be VERY dramatic..So we're walking through Wal-Mart and she see's hot pink, lacy panties that have a big "M" on them and SCREAMS "OH MY GOD, those panties have my name on them!!!" Oh jeez. They were like those cheesy thongs that Wal-Mart makes, I have no idea how they even fit a M on them, they were so small, and she pitched a FIT when I wouldn't buy them for her, or even go over near them.
• We're walking through the babies/toddlers clothes (because she is in-btwn. sizes), she sees all the baby stuff, and says "So, are you gonna have a baby or what?" "It should be a girl, named Arissa or Harper" How did she even know we LOVE those names!??! And if only it was that easy..
• Right now, she is going btwn our room and the guest room where the Hub is playing on the computer, and she tried to put the baby gate up (to keep Allie out) and it fell on the dog and she said "RETARDED" omg..I know it's not nice to say things like that, but we say re-re all the time, and she's picked up on it.
• She walked into the guest room, looked at Ev & said "you're not my papaw, so whatever." And walked away..wtf? LOL.
• Last night, during Ice Age, she annouced "I have to pee so hard!!!" Oh my. That was fantastic.

So thats just a few of the choice statements she has made recently. She makes me laugh so much. Ev & I just love her to bits.

So Random

This post seriously is gonna be bulleted and random..So here goes..

• Took Moo to see Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs in 3D. It was, as the hub says, cute as f*ck. It had adult humor, but was appropriate for kids. Very funny. What wasn't so funny was that the girl mammoth, Ellie, had a baby, and it totally made me cry. I am NOT kidding. Wtf? I was like, I want a baby dammit. But other then that, it was all good.
• Saw HP 6 on Thursday night w/my mom. It was nice to spend time w/her. We've seen every HP movie together, so now it is like a tradition. And it was good. And, if you haven't read the book, the following contains *spoilers*. The story was about 45% of the book. A lot of details had to be left out because of the length, but if you hadn't read the book, it was hard to follow, according to my mom, who had only read about half of it. Reading about Dumbledore dying was hard, seeing it was like taking a knife in the back. I know that is ridiculous, but it was really sad..but this girl sitting behind us was really going over the edge. She was like sobbing, I was like jeez, umm this is fiction. Also, missing from the movie was the slow decent of Draco Malfoy. In the book you literally see the characters each come into their own, and it was kind of necessary. In the movie, those kinds of details are left out. But all in all, I give **** (4 stars).
• Going to the zoo is tough when you should be 36 weeks pregnant. I swear, EVERY knocked up woman in Indy was at the zoo. I told Big E I was having some serious jealousy issues today. And I totally was. I think about my upcoming due date, about the just past anniversary of my sweet Genevieve, how I've lost 3 babies in 10 mos. How Im scared about getting pregnant again, how Im scared that Im going to go to term, only to have a DB. How all of my friends seem to come by getting pregnant so easily. Ughh..today was kind of an emotional day on that front. I think it's the first time E's actually realized how hard this has been on me, both mentally & physically.
• The hub is going to ban Moo-Moo from coming over if we keep spending money like we have this weekend. It is SO hard for my not to buy clothes & whatnot for her when she visits. LOL!! Plus she *makes* me buy stuff for myself too. I got some new panties from VS, some black platform heels from Target and some new jammies, plus some groceries and stuff that we needed.
• I've been SO fatigued lately. I don't know if my body is finally evening out from the m/c or what, but I am SO tired..and I've finally stopped bleeding, thank goodness!!!

Okay, thats all for now. As previously mentioned, Im tired. So, night :)

East & West

This just really touched me when I came across it today...

"For as high as the heavens are above the Earth,
so great is His love for those that fear him.
As far as the east is from the west,
so far has He removed our transgressions from us."
Psalm 103: 11-12

I don't even know what this touched me so much, but it totally did. Made tears well up in my eyes for some reason..Jeez, Im still emotional.

Started serious "o" testing w/the 20 day fertility monitor thingy...and peed all over my hand trying to get it into my cup. I have NEVER been able to pee in a cup w/o getting it on myself. I totally had to wear gloves every time we did urine tests in clinicals. I know, TMI, but there it is. Supposedly this thing will tell when my fertile period is (assuming I have a normal cycle, since I am not resuming my birth control after the miscarriage.) We'll see how it goes. Maybe this will be our month? I have an appoitment w/my PCP on Tuesday and Im currently keeping the OB appointment (that was for 08-27) just in case she doesn't refer me or the referral takes awhile.


We have Moo this weekend and tomorrow I have to work from 9-12 & then we are going to the zoo and then to see Ice Age 3. Moo really, REALLY wants to see the new HP, but after seeing it myself, there are some parts that made me jump, so I think it'd be too much for her.

Okay..I can barel keep my eyes open. More tomorrow.

HP #6

Headed out the door to see Harry Potter 6!! For FREE even (yay for the hub working security at the theater!!) My mom is meeting me here so I'll tell you how it was when I get home!!!

Sweet Genevieve

Today would've been my baby girls 6th birthday..There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her..I don't think I will ever think of her as anything other than my "first" child. She would've made a great big sister and I always wonder who she would've looked like, what her personality would be like, etc. And I think Moo was sent w/her spirit. Moo is so MUCH like me, we even look alike (or so people say, check out the pics) and she is my love. Anyway..Happy Birthday my Genevieve Elaine..
Angel Day: 12-19-02
EDD: 07-15-03

Pshhh

I don't really have anything to say, except I wish I were still pregnant..and that tomorrow is my first baby, my girl, Genevieve's birthday. She would've been 6. It's a good thing we are busy tomorrow and I didn't realize how fast time had caught up with me...I was changing the calendar day b/f I left work tonight..and BOOM, it hit me like a truck..My baby would be SIX. A first grader. Im still close friends with the man that was to be her father..he is expecting a baby now with his girlfriend..and he says he is freaking out. He will be a great daddy. Why am I not yet a mom? Why am I struggling SIX f*cking years later? Why have I had 3 miscarriages? Why do I feel the need to torment myself w/ shows like "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant" (wherein a FIFTY-SEVEN year old lady gives birth?!!?) Im just on a low today. I don't know if the hormones are finally bottoming out or what, but literally, I don't know if I can do this again. I know there are no gurantees w/pregnancy, but to loose 3 in less then a year!? My body can't handle it & neither can my mind. On the first one, I was hysterical, I couldn't stop crying. The second one I was medicated because I had lost so much blood and I was in such severe pain and this one, I feel numb. Like I literally feel nothing at this poing. No anger, no sadness, just empty, broken. I just don't know what to do. I have an appointment w/my PCP on Tuesday where I will ask for a referral to a specialist, because I can't do this again.


PS: I changed the layout..again...because Im not feeling all summery & happy...crazy red & black swirls is kind of how my brain (and heart) feel right now...

Know What I Hate?

My body still having pregnancy symptoms. The bleeding has tapered off, but my appetite is OUTRAGEOUS, Im having effed up cravings, then only being able to eat like 5 bites of my food, and feel sick afterwards. My boobs still hurt & are swollen and Im almost tempted to take a test..but I don't want to waste the money just to get a B.F.N. Ughh..can this PLEASE be done!!??!

One Of Those Days

It's just been one of those days..For those of you that have unfortunately experienced miscarriage, my body is just doing it's thing..and it's painful. This time around the migraines have been merciless. I spent the majority of the day in bed. We finally went to my parents around 1pm and only stayed about 2 hours..which makes me sad cause we only see these friends 2 or 3x a year..Ughh..but my dad knew the situation and understood. I was just in so much pain. I've been having to cut the Darvocet's in half so that I can be partially functional and it's still knocking me out. I can't be this way at work, so Im hoping that Excedrin Migraine works tomorrow..I don't know what Im gonna do if Im still rockin this headache. Im so ready to just stay pregnant..It can't be any worse then this. I know, famous last words, but at least there'd be a baby at the end of it. Oh, and I must change the channel, the I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant show is about to come on. Pass on that....Okay back.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has supported me. Im sorry if I haven't thanked you back at your blog, I've just been kind of off this weekend. But Im still reading and trying to catch up. But it is more appreciated than I can say:)

Okay..Im going to bed, early, but Im so tired.

Comfortably Numb

We have a TON of "family" visiting this weekend for my dad's 40th (!!!!!!!!!!) high school reunion. I have family in quotes because we aren't related by blood, but these people are closer to my family then some of our actual family members. They are actually all of my dads best friends from high school. Some of them I haven't seen since our wedding. We are going over there tomorrow for brunch, so that will be fun.

Today, my mom & Aunt Cheryl stopped in at my work and then we went out for lunch after I got finished. I guess she told Cheryl about the recent m/c and how we have been struggling to have a baby & to fix our marriage. It was really nice to just be able to let it out. My mom said that I've been a lot more open about this m/c then I was about the other 2, which she thinks is really good. I think it's just because Im SO angry and if I keep it in, I'll explode. I just need to talk about it. Im so angry at my doctor and at my body, and I just don't know where to go. Im SO scared that I won't be able to carry a pregnancy to term, that I won't find a doctor that takes me seriously, and my biggest fear is that I will get pregnant again, and have a stillborn baby. I know it's ridiculous to worry about these things that I can't control & are most likely not to happen, but I can't help it. Not to mention, the PAIN. Good grief. The migraines are awful and so are the cramps, and I hate being medicated. Im so tired, and don't feel like doing anything.

I really want to go back to church. I don't know where I want to go, but I feel a need to go back. The church I grew up in (and where we got married) just hired a new pastor, and he is young, so I might go back there for a little while. The only problem is that it is 25-30 minutes away. But I guess thats no big deal for 1x a week. I re-read my "life verse" and I wanted to post it because I forgot how lucky I am to have things like a good job, a house, and a great family..so here it is.

Psalm 13
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and everyday have sorrw in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
And my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord
for He has been good to me.

Just Go Away

You know what is kind of the "worst" part of this..besides the no baby part..Is that I just want my body & brain to accept it & move on. I want to be over the sadness, the anger, the emotional-ness, all of that. I just want to be at the point where my body is back to normal. I hate the physical pain, and Im also not a big fan of being medicated because it makes me want to just lay around, and I have shit to do! Tomorrow I have to work from 8:30-12:00 and then Big E & I are going to the zoo to see the Komodo's. Im SO excited. Hopefully it doesn't rain. We haven't gone since like February..when things first started to go awry. For those who are wondering...we are doing good. Not 100%, but much better. Im scared of how good things are going. Im not sure if it's the baby that did it, but it's like, we are starting anew. We are still gonna go to counseling...but it just feels good. And for the couple of the days the baby hung out, he was so paternal. Talking to the baby, asking if I needed anything, etc. I can't wait to be big & huge pregnant so he can take care of me..lol..Okay, we need to go to the store, so off I go.

No, I Don't Want To Discuss It, Actually

In the time it takes to make 1 live baby, I've had 3 dead ones. Awesome.



And the title does not apply to my blog friends..just people in real life. Cause then I get comments like "well, the test was really light", and "don't you feel better since you only knew for such a short time" and " are you sure it's a m/c?"

HAHAAA

I don't know if I can survive this..again..

Yes, I tested again. Still very faint, but positive..but tonight, BRIGHT, red spotting, not a "flow" but defn. not brown, red and cramping. Im pretty sure it's over. Awesome. 3 miscarriages since October 2008? Think thats enough time to maybe jump the start this fertility shit!? My doctor said she didn't need to see me til August 25 (when I'd be just over 10 weeks, yeah, right). So I asked if we could move right ahead to Clomid if this baby decided not to stick around, she was like, well we'll see. I was like, fuck that. If you're not gonna help us, and you don't think this is an issue, Im gonna find someone who does. Seriously. I cannot keep doing this. It's a complete mindfuck, not to mention it is destroying my body...and I feel like Im loosing my mind. Also, I don't have the money it takes to buy 2000000000 pregnancy tests every month. So, I said all that to say that. I'll test again tomorrow or Saturday, but Im pretty sure by then I'll be in full m/c mode. What. The. Fuck?!

Oh. My. God

What kind of timing is this!?!?!?!






It's about as faint as it can be...but there it is. It's really early..I can't believe anything came back. Can you believe this!? Big E and I are in complete, and Im talking COMPLETE shock. How did his swimmers manage to make it past birth control, stress, talking about divorce. OMG. It's seriously darker in real life, but this is the best I could do. We're guessing Im about 4 weeks. My period is almost 5 days late..and Im calling the doc tomorrow. Im have some very *light/slight* spotting. Ughh...We are pessimistic-ly optimistic. And we've told my parents. LOL. Probably waaaay too early for that and we've probably jinxed it, but we want to celebrate what we know. So there you have it. Oh. My. God!!!


PS: So I know it's super light..so I sent it via text to my friend..and she said, its faint, but defn. positive and since cell phones take shitty pictures..there's got to be something there. So that makes me feel a *little* better..

Whoa

So I re-read that last entry and that was pretty deep. I've never shared that story w/anyone, not even Big E (only because he didn't "want" to hear it.) <---More on that in a second. But anyway, I just felt like I needed to get that off my chest. To have it in writing that I survived that..and do I wish that it hadn't happened? Yes & no. It's something I can share w/my kids, to help them understand why it's not a good idea to depend on medication to make life "go away." That sometimes, it's necessary to depend on other people to help you. It was a learning experience. But at the same time, I could have done w/o that. Being on the medication made it seem like I was in a whole different world. I was out of touch w/reality. Either, Im glad that part of my life is over, and I've survived it.

Okay..so here's something weird that I've just recently realized..Big E never wanted to hear anything about my past. NOTHING. Except for the usual childhood experiences and stuff. Like, I wanted to know everything about him, I always have w/the guys I've dated seriously (and come to think of it, even the ones I've been not so serious about.) Im just naturally curious. Now, I don't need to know deep sexual history or anything like that, but like he didn't want to know about anything. It was/is (?) just really odd. I told him about the past depression because I figured that if it happened again (which it did, after the miscarriages) he should know about it. He didn't care. Seriously. I don't know, is that odd? Aren't you supposed to know everything about the person you want to spend your life with?

Umm..this is totally random. But Im watching this show about the "Most Extreme" and the topic is venomous animals..and the Box Jellyfish is the most venomous animal..and when you get Botox, it's like injecting yourself w/that kind of stinging venom. Plus, isn't Botox a derivative of botchulism? Isn't that the worst kind of food poisioning you can get?! Why would you do that? What if something goes wrong? Is there a counter injection?

And a quick bitch..LM & her fiancee moved up the wedding to this Saturday and she just couldn't possibly work today cause she was so sick. What is she gonna do when she has a real job? Ughh...I just cannot stand pregnant people right now.

Long Time Coming

I think it's from watching too much "Intervention" and "Obsessed" tonight..But I kind of feel like maybe I should tell my story..maybe it will touch someone and help them find their way out. This might be long so grab a beer and a blanket...


It all started in October of 2001 when I passed out at school and was taken to the hospital nearest to ISU and diagnoses w/asthma. I was sick pretty much the rest of the year. Chronic bronchitis, pneumonia, you name it, if it involved the lungs, I got it. I gained 80lbs because of the steroids. During this time I was prescribed Histex..a very strong cough medicine that contained a LOT of codeine. I got better over the summer, lost all the weight & went back to school and pretty much drank away my 2nd year of college (and got the best grades ever, seriously..Dean's List Style grades.) And had the time of my life. I joined a sorority, but I KNEW the girls in it were very fake and I had a sick feeling in my stomach when we left for the summer cause I knew I'd have to move back in with them. We started the year, I left the sorority, and life became hell. I was SEVERELY (as in considering suicide) depressed and starting picking my hair..out of my legs, out of my eyebrows, out of my scalp...and because I prescribed the codeine again, I didn't really feel any of it. On top of that, I had debilitating migraines that landed me in the neurologist office once a week. They eventually prescribed me 60 darvocets 2/per day for a month, for 6 months. To say that was addicting would be stating the obvious. The picking got worse, I was digging holes into my legs, that would bleed for days, and still didn't realize I had any issues. And I did this in my parents house (as I was living in their basement, and they had no idea I was doing any of this). Finally, one day I was sitting in the kitchen with my mom, and she said, "what is on your jeans, is that blood?!" She made me roll up my pants and show her what I had done to my own legs. It was at that moment I was like, holy shit, what have I been doing!? I quit everything cold turkey, started going to therapy and went on lower dose drugs for teh migraines that weren't narcotically based. I just felt like something snapped and I was like, I need to be done with this shit, and I was,. Im SO lucky to not have massive amounts of scars on my legs and to not be still be addicted to the Histex..It could have been something so much worse. Im lucky I got out. And that I had a support system. And I finally just needed to share with my blog family. Hopefully, I don't loose any readers for revealing this, but it just felt like it needed to finally be said, Whew!!!

Enough of that:)

Had to change my layout..I like patriotic, but only for a little while..lol..So here's the new one..I think it's summer-ery..Let me know what you think..I'll have a better update later..

Independence Day!!

Comments by ZingerBug.com


Remember..all those that have fought for our freedom..who've made our country what it is today..and that freedom isn't free..Thank you!!! Have a great 4th!!

Happy Birthday Momma!!

Today is my mom's birthday..yaaay!! I sent her a card in the mail & my dad took her out to Rick's Boatyard for dinner and built a bonfire in their firepit out in their backyard. She sounded just so happy..I hope one day I find a guy that makes me feel like that..I really do. Ugh.

Today SUPER sucked at work. I got denied for my raise, awesome, because he is a fucking asshole. He said no one is getting raises or anything and that pay is "frozen" and if "people think they can find better jobs that pay more, they can do that." Im so hurt and angry. Im worth more than that and I CAN find a better, higher paying job, I've just chosen to stay where I am because I like KL and the therapists and our new doctor..but Im also working 90 hours or so every two weeks..but please beleive that if by the end of August, if I don't have the raise, then Im going down to 40 hours a week, and I usually meet 55hrs by WEDNESDAY, so if I hit those hours on a Wednesday, you wont see my ass again til the following week. I know that's terrible to do, but he'll either realize that Im necessary or he'll fire me. Lol. Ugh, work sucks. And he was ADAMANT that we are all in tomorrow cause the patients "needed" us and now HE isn't coming in. WTF?!!?!?

I got to go home early today..and literally took like a 3 hour nap..Ughh, my sleep schedule is so off. Im hatin being depressed. I had the doc up my Lexapro yesterday..so hopefully that will help things out.

And have I mentioned my co-worker LM is pregnant!! Oh we're all so giddy and excited and woo-hoo about..While on the inside my insides feel like I am being torn up. She is the same weeks I was when I lost my baby, not to mention I'd be due about 4 weeks. It just makes it SO hard for me to be happy for her. "We weren't even trying" OMG..must be nice. And they've moved the wedding up to next weekend..it's on the 10th..and they are still gonna have their Vegas ceremony next June too. Im just a big ball of jealousy. Hopefully I don't come off that way to her.

Okay..thats all for now..Log this away in your memory..wanting a baby desperately does not mean that it's okay to watch "16 and Pregnant" "A Baby Story" or "Deliver Me"...Awesome