Regarding My Blog

Well more like "disregarding." Bad blogger. I know. But it seems EVERYTHING has taken a hit lately and the little things that can fall to the wayside, have. Like this blog, though it is SUCH a major outlet for me and I get advice I need (not always what I *want* to hear) that I should be here more often..Alas, I'm not. Also, please excuse any spelling or grammatical errors as I am missing part of the tip of my left ring finger..I got some extra energy today, (I KNOW) and I decided to make a crock pot meal ahead of time, at least get the majority of the ingredients ready, and it called for 6 sliced potatoes & a sliced onion..It's all fun & games til someone is crying from the onion being all juicy & chops off part of her finger. You know, it didn't even hurt that bad, it was just like "wait, I haven't even added the pizza sauce, why are my onions red...ERMAGERD, my finger is on fire and the skin is flapping!!!!!" Something like that. So I'm bandaged up and having a bit of trouble typing..Onward.

On the marriage front, it's literally day to day even sometimes hour to hour. Like Tuesday I was SO angry & so hurt I was looking for lawyers on my phone stuck in traffic. I was DONE. I couldn't believe his selfishness and how hurtful he could be. I was so upset. And I'm just effing exhausted so everything is multiplied 100-fold. Wednesday things were better/normal, Wednesday night my parents kept Lulu, tried to have "fun adult times" REJECTED and fighting. Totally useless. And I've realized that if I'm not satisfied in the bedroom, our house doesn't get looked after. Coincedence? And no, we're not living in filth & squalor, I just let clothes sit in baskets or in the sink for longer then usual. Anyway, today..it was give & take. I had a doctors appointment that laste 2.5 HOURS (90 minutes of it spent WAITING on the doctor, that's another story) so we didn't spend too much time together..But before & after my appointment, things were okay..Minus the fact that everyone tells me the only way he is going to "learn" how to care for Lulu is if I leave them alone..Yeah, and so I did that today, and somehow there is a shelf pulled off the wall, her room looks like a cocaine bomb went off, there are clothes every where and she has a goose egg on her head. 2.5 hours?! WTF!? Seriously!? I don't him to "learn" and her get hurt. It's a no win. Fudge. So I don't know. There are A LOT of days when I think that I just want to be ALONE. Talked to a co-worker who has been divorced twice and she said that you can't just wait around "hoping" another guy comes along w/o any baggage. I told her I don't want another guy, I'd be satisfied alone. If I did get divorced and someone awesome did come along, that'd just be a bonus. It's not WHY I'm having these thoughts. And I'd have to be SO picky to NOT end up back in this situation plus I'd need to protect my daughter from all the Uncle Creepy's out there. And hello? I effing LOVE my husband. I meant it when I said thick & thin, sickness & health, good times & bad. These are the bad times, the hellacious times, the "will it EVER get better times." I don't want to just be done..But, when is enough enough? It seems that, on most days, I'm almost there.

Okay, there's more, but I'm tired and have laundry to fold. I am reading everyone, maybe just not commenting, I know, I stink.

Sharing

I've never been super good at it..Especially when it's something, or even moreso someone I love..Henc why I have ended relationship when the boyfriend at the time decided he wanted to share himself..Anyway, getting off track. Tonight I was thinking about the absolute destruction divorce causes. Though eventually, wounds heal, I cannot imagine inflicting them on my daughter. As I sat watching tv tonight on the couch, and she was in the other room, sleeping, and it was so quiet this little thought crept into my brain "if you guys get divorced, you'll have this quiet 2x per week. She won't be here. I literally hyperventilated. It's making me cry just to type it. To have to pack up my little girl and send her away. Away from the person who makes her feel the safest, who has been her stronghold her entire life, to send her away from her home...because her parents couldn't get their shit together. As it stands, he'd only be able to have her Sunday & Monday. He'd probably drop her off at school and I would see her Tuesday after school. This just breaks my heart. She is my heart, living outside of my body. It would be trusting my husband with my most part of my life..Something he hasn't been to take care up very well up to this point. I can't imagine not being able to just walk into our bedroom & lay down next to her. I don't know what I would do with myself while she was gone. How do divorced moms & dads do it? And I can't imagine how much E would miss if he only saw her 2 full days a week. It's not enough. But he's not spending nearly enough time with her now. I just don't know. I'm so lost. I'm so confused. I don't want her to feel any of this. Hence why I'm up crying and blogging and my husband & daughter is sleeping. These are things he obviously doesn't think about. I even went in there to try to talk to him and I just laid next to him and he said "what do you want? I'm tired." Rejected. Again. He's never put her to bed. He's never brushed her hair, he's never just held her when she was having trouble breathing. He's never picked her up from school. If worse comes to worse, I don't want her to miss me. I want her to enjoy time with her daddy. And she's still a baby. Which is worse, to be unhappy in my marriage, but stay marriage to protect my daughter, or to possibly, knowingly hurt my daughter for my happiness..How much is too much? How are we here again? We overcame so much. Where did our love go? How do we find it? My heart is breaking.

Rain

There's always a period of curious fear between the first sweet-smelling breeze and the time when the rain comes cracking down. ~Don Delillo


I really just want to walk out in my backyard and let this rain wash the last 6 weeks away. Seriously, if there wasn't so much lightening I'd do it. I just want to restart the last six weeks. Well maybe more, from the positive PG test on. Maybe I'd be happier, maybe we'd be better, maybe, maybe, maybe.

I think I'll have myself a big Friday night & go to bed before 11pm. I just want to sleep and wake up rested (we'll see) and my DH be in a good mood. I'm so done fighting.

Life

So I love how whenever I say "I can't handle anymore" life says "Challenge accepted".

DH broke the oven, yep. And since we are so poor, I probably won't have a new one until October. Seriously?! At least the stove top still works, but STILL. The majority of my cooking is not microwave based..It's oven based. F*CK. I'm so pissed at him because he broke it in anger & we have this home insurance that would have fixed it or replaced it for $75. Yeah. Sooo. I see a lot of take out bills in our home.

Thank you SO much for your advice on the sex thing. Let's just say we don't have to worry about having a second child since we aren't even having sex monthly. I just can't go that long. I'm having issues, we are living like roomates a la 2009. And guess what? He only wants to discuss what is bothering him & how to fix it..When it comes to discussing what is making me sad or diconcerted, he literally states that it will have to wait until the money situation is fixed. Seriously?! We may not make it that long. I can only be treated like a second class citizen in my own home so long. I'm just so exhausted, it's causing me physical pain. Nightly migraines, terrible nightmares etc.

Thinking of physical pain, my hip is making me CRAZY. It doesn't help that I'm already a basketcase, then add this pain, & I just want to be medicated & put in a padded room. I've contacted a pain center, I'm just hoping they can get me in soon, like tomorrow soon. It's causing me o have a short temper & that's not Miss Lu's fault, so I need to do SOMETHING.

Just realized my anniversary is 29 days away. *STAB*

S-E-X Question

Let's just say that some of us are more sexually inclined then others in this house...Namely me more then him..So, let me ask you this & please, if you don't want to leave a comment, feel free to email me at mj-tentron@hotmail.com or if you know me on FB, there is great too.

How often is "normal"?
Who usually initiates?
How long does one go w/o before it becomes a problem?

The scene (from the last 3 months). June=1x (pregnant, how is this possible?!), July=5x, August=1x. Seriously?! I.AM.DYING. I know this is maybe TMI for some readers, but, uh, I love sex. And it seems my DH is more of the "take it or leave it" variety. This was an issue when we seperated in 2009 (not THE issue, but one of them). One that he STILL refuses to discuss with me.  I think, in his case, it's hormonal, which, again, he won't discuss. But I'm not just too dead sure how much longer this can go on. I'm a sexual being. I miss intimacy, I miss the lead up, the cuddling, the flirting, etc. So, advice?