Explanation

We are seperating. Does that pretty much explain it?


We are living together until he can afford to move out, most likely in June or July, after he starts the academy. I am going to see a therapist, but all of the blame is falling on me, regardless of whether it is my fault or not. And as of now, I don't care. If it takes taking the fall to make myself better then, so be it. He finally realized that things have been going badly for 2 months. We have been living as roomates, he just now realized that that is NOT a good thing. So basically, he is where I was 2 months ago. Begging and pleading to save our marriage. I would've done almost anything, and now, it's self-preservation. I can only move toward him so much w/o him doing some moving toward me, and thats not happening. So thats where we are. I took off my engagement ring today. I told him, if things work out, he can propose to me with it again. He has all of these grand plans for "when things work out" but NONE on how to get us to that point. This is, by far, the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Im on the outs w/my parents and of course his family, work is suffering because Im not sleeping or eating. I just want to run away and be alone, but I have to finally fix myself, deal w/my issues before I can do anything else. So thats where my life is right now. I might be back to post here, and I will for sure be following. But I feel like such a looser. Should I remove myself from the IF community since Im not currently TTC? I just don't know that I could do that. You all have been SUCH a source of support. I will be changing the name of the blog, etc, but it'll still be me. I'll be around.

Numb

Things got real bad on the home front this weekend. Im not sure if I can blog about it right now. I just feel numb and sick to my stomach. Im looking for a counselor, because regardless, I want to be 100%, and right now Im not. I've been having almost daily panic attacks and I feel like Im so tightly wound that Im gonna implode. I will probably be here sporadically until I decide if I want to share. I will be following along and commenting, I just may not be posting.

Earth Day

So...Im not really into the "mother earth, hug a tree" type of stuff..GASP..I KNOW. But it was BEAUTIFUL today and we went on a walk with the dog around the neighborhood. Our neighborhood has a really cool waterfall and creek and the dog LOVED IT. She was creek stomping..and that water was COLD. Good grief. I took some great pics, but defn. cannot get them to load. My laptop is being a shithead. But anyway, as soon as I can, I'll post them. I am so ready for it to be 100% spring. That is suppoosed to happen this weekend..But it's Indiana, so you know we'll have 4 days of spring then BOOM, summer 90000 degrees w/8 jillion percent humidity and everyon will be bitching about how hot it is. But I'll enjoy those 4 days. Yay for sun and "nature" walks.

So fertile Myrtle the extern was in again today..and she lazy. Seriously. And seems kind of dumb, minus the fact that she wants to try and flirt w/J, the PT. Umm, he doesn't want to be your next BABY DADDY. Promise. She is driving me crazy talking about how "wouldn't be great if I had TWINS!??!" Yes, that would be fantastic. You live at home w/your mom, w/your other child, your current boyfriend has a WIFE and is 34. So yeah, twins, hell, maybe octuplets is the way to go. She is off her rocker. KL told her as much today, she was like "WHAT is wrong w/you?" and I had to explain to her that after her externship, most places are not gonna hire someone that is 3 mos from giving birth. They don't want to pay for maternity leave. IF they have mat. leave at all. And DA has 3 kids all on her own and kind of gave her some tough love and horror stories. I think she is just so in love w/getting pregnant that it doesnt matter. Awesome. Gonna be fun to be around for the next 7 weeks. You know she'll be PG by the end, if she's not already.

Work=Insane. I worked almost 100 hours this pay period. Not one day did I have less then 10hrs. and that works for me. Yes, Im exhausted, yes don't want to cook/do the laundry/do anything around the house, but Yes, I am making some serious money. And that money will go toward our vacation at the end of May, so that works for me.

Okay...must go comment..cause it's ICLW:)

ICLW Introduction April Version (and storytime)

Welcome those visiting for the first time via ICLW....Without further adieu and using bullet formation..ME:)

• Name:MrsJoyner
• Age: 26
• Marital Status: Married, almost 7 months
• Children: 3 angel babies, 1 furbaby (Allie,a bad, bad Boxer)
• Blogging: Since May 2007...wow almost 2 years!! (I didn't realize that)
• Work: Medical Assistant
• Dates: 12-19-02 M/C #1 while a sophmore in college, Met Hub E 05-27-07, Engaged 09-29-07, Went off BC 11-2007, Married, 10-04-08, TTC commences 10-04-08, Conceived #1 Late November-08, M/C #1 12-19-08, Conceived #2 Late January 09, M/C #2 03/15/09.
• Feelings: Shitty/Jealous/Petty/Crazy/NOT pregnant/Crampy
• Welcome: To my world, I haven't been posting a lot lately because I've been work 65-75 hrs a week and when I get home, Im beat. But I do follow along and return all comments..I cannot wait to be a mamma, and each month it doesn't happen is like another little turn of the knife. But basically, Im a happy person, if not sarcastic and witty all at the same time. SO welcome, and please, stay awhile!!

Storytime....So defn. we had this new extern come in..who is all of 19yo. She already has an almost 3 yo. So, yeah, she defn. is fertile, got pregnant after 1x when she was 16. And she has thie "boyfriend." And guess what!?!?!? If you guessed that they are trying to have a BABY you'd be correct. Let me also let you know that to her 19 her bf is 34 and has a "woman" in her words. And she wants FOUR more. And I bet she's PG before the end of her externship. She wanted me to explain ovulation and all that crap to her. And I did, because Im a glutton for punishment. And she asked how many kids I have (and I wanted to say "oh I have to 2 dead babies, just to get that conversation over) but I told her about the 2 m/c's and she was like "oh thats so sad, it would be so COOL if we were pregnant together" BAHAHA. Please, can I tear my hair out? Punch her in the teeth? You know that she will be pregnant, with like twins, in teh next few weeks, you just know this. So I had to vent about that, I would never wish a m/c on ANYBODY but I don't think I can STAND talking to her about TTC when she's 19, living with her mom, already has a child etc. Just shoot me now. Every day for the next 2-3 months?! Pass.

Oh and LOOK...This my THREE HUNDRETH POST!!! YAY!!!!

So it's been 6 days..

There have not been enough hours in the day to blog..I apologize...I worked over 60 hours this week..so I came home and was exhausted..Plus, the hub somehow contracted the stomach flu and has been vomitious/out the other end ALL WEEK. And we all know how well I do w/the vomit. So he hasn't been sleeping, neither have I, he missed 2 days of work, I worked 6. Im STILL tired..But he seems to be on the mend..Had a slight nausea attack this AM, but it passed, thankfully, without any major movement.



Defn. got AF on Thursday..so it seems Im back on a normal pattern, which makes me know that last month was m/c #2. And you guys..I have to say..Im kind of glad it wasn't this month because I don't know that I can mentally and emotionally handle loosing another baby. Im scared to even think about getting pregnant because I immedietly have worst case scenario thoughts..So right now..being not pregnant this month is fine..It gives me time to recover..and mourn. But it still righteously sucks.



Tomorrow starts April's ICLW..Im pumped and I plan on at least doing my share of the commenting..if I don't post everyday..I plan on it, but you see how this went..LOL..And I worked a 13hour day again today..so I'll easily bank 30 more hours this pay period..and probably 50 this week..Okay..more tomorrow

What a great effin day

Let me tell you how a great day is made (notice the sarcasm?)

• Have a FAINT positive PG test at the beginning of February. Tell NO ONE. Commence being scared shitless.
• Start bleeding a week later and proceed to bleed for 3 weeks.
• Start bleeding so hard and fast and painfully that you go to the hospital in mid-March
• Have confirmation that it was "most likely" m/c #2, TODAY.
• Have semi-best friend text message you a picture of her FIFTH positive pregnancy test w/the message "guess Im preggo again!!"
• Realize she JUST gave birth in December, thats 4 months ago, and she is 4 weeks along.
• Tell the world, esp. your own repo system to eat shit & die.

Super Short Post

So we're back from the Smokies..Pictures and review to follow..but for now..Im dead tired..And we had a California King sized bed there and I MISS IT!!! My hub is a thrasher..soooo..yeah you get the picture..Anyway..a big ol GIANT annoucement....

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!! To my favoritest Aramelle...Guess what she got this weekend!? Why don't you mosey on over & have a look for yourself? Im beside myself with elation..I was sobbing as I read the post..So, go see & leave some love!!!


Okay..bed is calling my name..Night:)

Gatlinburg..

We are headed south today..The hub, Moo, & I are headed to Gatlinburg..If nothing else, a break from work will be wonderful and just getting out the grind, getting some sleep, etc. will be fantastic. Im pretty sure AF is gonna be making an appearance this weekend..Im just hoping it doesn't land me in Seivier County Hospital..Does BC/BS cover that!? Anyway..nothing else really new. Im extraoridinarily conflicted on a quite a few issues and Im just hoping for the next few days, I can forget about them and enjoy myself, my husband, and our Moo. Im not sure if we will have internet access, so if you don't hear from me, don't assume the worst, Im just out of the area..As if I've been posting a ton..lol..Oh and Im almost to THREE HUNDRED posts..woot!! It's a big deal for me. Everyone have a fantastic weekend, Aramelle, don't you dilly-dally with posting about tomorrow..I may have to break down and check my blog feed online via my cell phone...Okay..thats all. See you Sunday!!

Im here

Hi..I used to blog in this space? Anyway..sweet Melissa & Aramelle have been concerned..so Im here..I just don't know if I can blog about everything that is going on. I just feel so, tired and fed up. I really like my duplex in delusional land, but I realize some MAJOR changes and decisions must be made. And it's killing me. Im not sleeping right or eating right. Im just going through the motions of life right now. We are headed to Gatlinburg on Thursday..so if it doesn't help anything else, it'll be break, plus we get to have Moo..so that makes it worth it. I will be back regularly when I figure some shit out. Thanks for the concern & love..and I am still reading and commenting.