One Year Old

To my sweet Elaina on the first anniversary of her birth,

My darling daughter, where do I even begin..how is it even possible that we went from the terrifying reality of this...

To the absolutely amazing, wonderful, loving reality that is this...

That's you sweet girl, eating a cheeseburger, not a sign of prematurity anywhere. Well..I guess there have been some delays, but Dr. S (your pediatrician) says they are normal. And cognitively? You're ahead of the game. You say words that everyone (not just mom & dad) understand. Dad, bool (blue), Allie, mine, no, hey, hi, bye, dipe (diaper), and this morning, after weeks of trying to get you to say it, and after daddy brought you to our bed for your morning cuddles, you grabbed my face & said "MOMMA" in a most commanding fashion..and you won't repeat it for anything.

You have many loves. Carrots, Allison, family, shoes, paci's (especially while you are teething), the color red, sock monkeys, baby dolls, books, pens, cell phones, remote controls. You absolutley must be part of every discussion, every process, every everything. You run the world little girl, and we wouldn't want it any other way.

You came into this world in such a dramatic fashion. I remember almost exactly this time last year, I was holding you, tubes, cpap, iv's & all for the first time. Don't tell anyone, but I had to lie to 3 nurses and 2 doctors to get to do that. They told me I had to be able to feel my feet at the epidural in order to come see you...I lied. I couldn't feel my feet til the next morning. I had to get to you. I got to see you for mere seconds when you were born, and then 2 hours and 5 minutes after your birth I raised such hell that it forced them to bring me to you in the NICU in my hospital bed. My heart broke and was healed at the same time. Seeing you, alive, breathing, our baby our miracle. But hooked up to all those the machines, the cpap helping you breathe, the iv's delivering life saving antibiotics, and the food tube making sure you got all the nourishment you needed. Those 2 weeks were the scariest of my life...of yours too I'm sure. Though you'll never remember them, I always will. And even though it was beyond scary, it was where we bonded. It was just you & me those 2 weeks. We had the worst ice storms that Indiana had seen in years. Your grandpa drove me to the hospital every day. And every day I sat in the same chair and held you as long as you could tolerate it. The nurses had to force me to leave. They even gave instructions to grandpa when he picked me up that I wasn't allowed to come back until I had had at least 6 hours of sleep. And then, on day 13, they asked us to bring in your carseat. Oh my goodness!!! Mommy was so excited & scared. And then..day 14, grandma & I brought you home. I so wish daddy could have been there...Last night, as I was putting you to bed for the last time as my "baby" I remember putting you to bed the first night we had you home. I remember checking on you every 15 minutes, scared that you might stop breathing. I remember not being able to sleep becuase I was so wired. I couldn't believe I was a momma. And last night, I really cried, because that time is gone. We won't experience that again. And I looked at you & realized, there will be a day, when I will  tell you this story, when I will explain how it all works out as you put your firstborn to bed in your house for the first time.

Baby girl, you made me believe in love at first site. All encompassing, unconditional love. I will love you, no matter what, until the day I die, and even after that, I'll love you from heaven. I can't believe a year has passed. You are standing on your own and trying so hard to walk. I hardly ever get to cradle you anymore, though sometimes, in the middle of the night, I'll scoop you out of your crib and do it while you are sleeping. You are eating big girl food w/the two little teeth that you have. I can't believe that momma's milk once sustained you. And I must say, I was SO against nursing you. I'm sorry. It was just weird..until they told me you were ready to try nursing. There was no stopping me. They told me my milk was the best thing for you, so we nursed whenever you wanted. And you were a champ. I only wish that we could have done it longer. That was the most special time. Even when I was exhausted beyond comprehension, when it came time for you to eat at 3AM, it was just you & me. Nothing compares to that kind of bond. And you are  talking..I remember the first time we heard your voice, your babble. And now, full words. And today, on your birthday, finally, "momma". I can't believe you are now a "toddler."

Elaina Lynn, I can't tell you how much I love you. How much you have changed me. How motherhood is both the hardest & easiest thing I have ever done. Hard, because sometimes I was (and am) so exhausted, so frustrated because I don't know what to do, that we both just cry. I'm sure that never changes. And the easiest because being your mom came some naturally to me. I could pick your cry out of 100 babies, and honey, it would send me running as fast as I could to get to you. I distinctly remember one weekend daddy was home and we came to the NICU to visit you & you were crying. I sprinted to your incubator & it took your dad a couple of minutes to find us. He turned and looked at me & said "how did you know it was her?" I said "I have no idea, I just knew." It's amazing how to this day, my touch, my kiss, just me, can settle you down. How when you need extra comfort, no matter what I have on, you find a way to get your hand in my shirt, and you lay it over my heart. That is amazing. It is amazing how when we nap together, our breathing and heartbeats sync up. That doesn't happen w/daddy or grandma or grandpa. Just mommy. Everything about you is absolutley amazing.

I love you so much. Always have, always will. Happy first birthday baby girl!!!



Incredibly Random

• I'm kind of addicted to Pinterest. As in I was just sitting here pinning, not realizing it's 3:15...AM
• DH has bronchitis, Lulu has a viral infection, and so far, I just have chest congestion. Knock on wood it stays that way. Lulu had a really high fever earlier, but Adv.il got it down. But she's been hovering right at 99.2-99.4 Is this normal? The doc said to bring her in or go to the ER if it goes up to 103. 
• I just realized we've been TTC for 7 months. Wow. I never thought baby #2 would take this long. Yeah, I know, kind of in delusional land. But Dr. F (my OB) said my body responded really well to pregnancy and the 2nd one shouldn't be so hard to achieve. Yeah, how's that working out? 
• I'm still mad about the whole fiasco last week. Not nearly at the point that I was. Maybe mad isn't the word. Hurt. I don't know if I can trust DH. What if he does this again? I don't think my heart could handle it. He said we could do a "natural" cycle next month & go back on the drugs in March..So I'm not really bringing it up unless he does. 
• The 2 weeks between what you know is a FAILED cycle and starting AF seems like forever. I just want my period to start so we can start on a new cycle. I also know it's like 2 weeks off. Ugh. 
• My baby will be 1 in 9 days. How is this possible?! Where has the time gone?! We are having her party this Sunday (hopefully she is well) and it makes me emotional just thinking about it.
• Her party is at our house. So far, 21 people have RSVP'd. We don't live in a mansion. It's gonna be tight. And, um, I have no idea when I'm gonna find time to get everything done. Mainly, cleaning the entire house, hanging up pictures, putting the guest bathroom together, making our rooms look presentable. It's a lot to do by myself. Which I most likely will be doing. Arrrgh. 
• This insomnia will be the death of me. I'm not tired until like right now, but I will be exhausted all day tomorrow at work, and it's a long day.
• Indiana has bi-polar weather. This morning when I left for work at 8AM, it was 60 degrees & raining. When I headed home at 2PM, it was 36 and snowing. Totally ridiculous. And last night we had MAJOR thunderstorms..in January. What?!
• Okay, off to bed I go. Hopefully Miss Lu sleeps til 8am like she has been. You know tomorrow will be the morning she wakes up at 6..Night

Insomnia

My mind is racing, making it hard to sleep, not to mention that baby girl has decided that between 2am-4am, it's party time. I can hear her talking to herself in her crib, and relatively soon, she'll start w/the shrieking (her newest trick)..lol, there it was!! And we have to do the whole 5min/7min/9min thing til she calms down & goes back to sleep. Tomorrow (well later today) ought to be big fun.

So I'm having trouble letting this cycle go. And I know maybe you're sick of hearing (reading) about it? If so, please, just pass this part. But with what happened, I'm still so angry & hurt & I just can't let go. I promise that Wendnesday morning I prayed and peace came over me & I was fine to not have the u/s & to let everything go..Until he said to go to the u/s. I mean up until tonight he was wishy-washy on the whole thing. I just don't know. I don't know why he wants to try "naturally" for 2 months, knowing my history & how, hello, that hasn't worked the last SIX months. And, if he's scared to have 2 babies NOW, he won't be next month?! That makes no sense. Apparently, he & my mom had a talk, and she explained that there are some things that can wait, & some things that can be compromised. Having a baby, getting pregnant, is not one of them. If both parties aren't in agreeance about having a baby, someone is going to be hurt. She told him "you can't be a little bit pregnant." So true. I guess he told her he is worried about his low tolerance to the baby crying?! What?! How come he has never shared this with me? And also, I'm her primary care giver. He hasn't taken care of her for a whole day, EVER. So now is the real story that we aren't gonna have any more children because they cry? Ugh. I'm just so pissed. And the worst part? I want him to feel my pain. I want to tell him, yes we are going to do something he really, really wants, and then at the last minute, NOT do it. I know that is childish, and I won't do it, but I really, REALLY want to. And he made the ever famous "now that we have one baby, why do you want another one?" Are you serious?! After he & I agreed that I am absolutely in love w/ Lulu & she is perfect & wonderful and has healed my heart, but it feels like there should be another little person here with us. He even said that a couple of weeks ago at the dinner table. And how do I know that when HE is "ready" he won't do this again?! I mean talk about wasting money. $250 for the u/s & $94 for the shot. Money we could definitely use. And I explained that even if we try "naturally" we still have to have timed intercourse. He didn't want to talk about it. Surprise. I think I might do the Fem.ara again next month regardless. It's free & it works for me. I like having normal cycles and exactly when to expect ovulation. I'll have to talk to Dr. J & see what he says. Hopefully it doesn't hurt your hormones or cycle. And I'm super afraid that when he is ready, it won't work. This cycle was PERFECT. Besides the monster migraines, the Fem.ara did a great job, and I've been surging for over 24 hours. That never happens on a natural cycle for me. I'm scared that it won't happen again. And lastly..woe is me. Our EDD for this cycle would have been 10/04/12...our 4th wedding anniversary. Hopefully things look up from here.

Trying to plan Lu's bday party. It's a sock monkey theme, like bright sock monkey's, not the usual red & brown ones. Because she LOVES them. We don't know where it came from, but she's always had her favorite stuffed animal Furious George (becuase he's red) and it just blossomed from there. She got some super cute ones for Christmas. I think the main theme will be bright colors (like her bedroom) and the sock monkey's will be accents. They are in some of her 1 year pictures. My mom is making 2 sock monkey cakes & we will have a candy bar & a banana split bar (because monkeys love bananas) and I think some appetizers? IDK. I know we are super poor right now & I have no idea how we are going to afford this. I'm going to the dollar store & party outlet tomorrow to see what I can do. Any party ideas in general would be very welcome!!

Okay, baby boo is starting to shriek, so off I go...hopefully we both get some sleep.

Stupid

If you're  going to leave a hateful comment on MY blog, that you CHOSE to read, at least have the balls to not be "anonymous." What a moron. Seriously? Grow a pair.

And to address your little rant. He did have a say. He decided that we would start trying in January. He decided how many months we would try & how much we were willing to spend to get to baby #2. He had a lot of opportunities to tell me he wasn't ready that would have been better timing the 2 days before our u/s before I've already taken the drugs that caused me to end up in the hospital. There is no one I love more (besides my husband) than my daughter, so for you to say "will I ever be happy? " Yep. I am. All the time. This is just something that bothered me, and I wanted to get it out. I'm sorry that you, apparently, are genuinely unhappy. I'll say a little prayer for you.

Now, go about your day & don't get all twisted in my business. Yes, this is a public place. But, the IF community has been such a place of support for so many people, it's sad when someone like "anonymous" makes it a place of anger & hurt. I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. If my blog offends you, maybe don't read it?

I Have To Let This Go

My DH announced Monday night that he is not ready to have a second baby. After months of talking about it. After numerous times he could have told me this, he decides 48 hours before my CD12 u/s. I was devastated. We've been fighting and on edge w/each other since then.

Wednesday morning he told me to go ahead & get the u/s to "see if the fem.ara worked." I told him no, that I did not want to know anything unless we were going to go ahead w/the plan. He said "okay." The fem.ara did work. I had 2 very lovely follicles measuring really, really well. I called DH & told him, and told him that I would only get the Ovi.drel shot if we were going to use it. AGAIN, he said okay & that we would be.

Last night, he told me he's not ready to have a second baby. Again. It was like ripping off a scab that hadn't even had a chance to heal. I didn't think I'd have any more tears. I was wrong. Then, this morning, he told me to use the shot, because seriously, I am depressed. Beyond depressed. I can't smile. I don't want to speak to him, to even be in the same room. Because he lied to me. Because he hurt me & it doesn't seem to bother him at all. HE gets to decide my reproductive future. But I sure did use the shot as soon as he told me to. I doubl & triple checked that he really wanted me to. I reminded him of what it meant. And he said we would you-know-what tomorrow.

I took the shot @ 1pm. At 8pm, my ovulation  test came back positive. WHOA. I thought it was supposed to take 24-36hrs. Seems he'll get his way of no 2nd child since I'm apparently ovulating now, and he is working late. There was never any force. There was never any coniving on my part. I have absolutely no idea where this came from. He said he wants to wait 6 more months. I said that's too long. I compromised by saying that we do 2 more natural cycles (which OBVIOUSLY aren't working) and then do the fem.ara/ovi.drel combo in April. He agreed. And then renegged on that. I don't kno what to do. What to think. How to feel. Half the time he is so, SO excited about a 2nd baby and the other half, he is awful to me.

I'm so spent. I'm exhausted. I was so stressed by this that I had a gallbladder flare up. I was so, so sick on Tuesday. I just don't know what to do, but I had to get this out of my head and try to let it go. We'll see.

I'm Not Sure Where This Is Coming From..

But today we are taking Lu to get her 1 year pictures..I'm getting them this early because I wanted to be able to "have" them & display them at her party. But today, for some reason, some really raw emotions have been stirred up..

For instance, I'm laying next to her as she takes her morning nap, and I can feel her heart beat, and I realize that her breathing, her very heart beat, is syncing up with mine. I realize this happens every time we sleep near each other. Her very heart remembers me. She doesn't even have to try to do it, it just happens. And I wonder, how did my birth mother not feel this with me? How did she not realize that my very heart would remember the sound, the beat of hers? She never laid with me. She left me, forgotten w/questionable people. She abandoned me at a hospital when I was shocked back into life. I remember sitting next to Lu's incubator in the NICU, trying to get her breathing to slow down, to be as close to her as humanly possible. So, as I'm laying with the very miracle that DH &I created, that has been here for almost a year, I wonder, how can a mother not love her child? How does that happen? Where does that gene come from? That little girl in the next room, sleeping like a lamb? I would die for her, I would fight anyone for her, I would give everything I've ever had or will ever have if it meant she would never come to any harm. I would go through an emergency c-section, and 2 scary weeks in the NICU again. She is worth everything we had to go through to get her. Every loss, every heartbreak, every hurt. She is love, she is a miracle, she is my daughter. I sit holding in sobs that threaten to wrack my body, because I don't understand where that love for me was for the 7 months my birth mother had to care for me. And then, the tears come because by month 11, I was with my real mom. My mommy, the one woman who I think was supposed to have given birth to me. Who has always told me of my adoption from day one, but has told me in such a way that I see it for the miracle that it is, and not the detriment it could be. This woman who grew me in her heart, has taught me how to me a mother. How to be strong through anything. And who reminded, after each & every one of our losses that it will happen. I will be a momma. How she reminded me that after 10 years of trying, loss after unimaginable loss, she stopped trying to figure out how to have a baby, gave it all to God, and was handed the most perfect gift, me. I wonder how my birth mother didn't have the loving, mothering gene, and I so, SO thankful that my mom, after everything she had been through, had saved a spot in her heart just for me. And because of that, I am able to give my whole heart to my baby & I get to share her with the woman who taught me how.

I've Been Trying

To get this post up & out since the 2nd. Ugh. Work has been shitty. Husband has been shitty. Baby has be wonderful, but her sleep schedule has been shitty. Oh, and add on AF coming (after 47 days, which is shitty) on 12/31, I've been shitty. And over emotional. And hormonal. It's fun to be at our house right now.

I think DH & got our shitty-ness over with earlier. We had a big ol fight. Like, the dog hid because we were yelling so loud. I actually came home from work mid-day because I couldn't focus. You know how sometimes you just HAVE to finish a fight & get to a resolution? Yeah, that was today. Umm, and it ended up pretty good. Let's just say, if we hadn't wasted so much time fighting, we would have had more time to make up (which would have been fantastic since we haven't "colored" since 11/27, I KNOW). I didn't want to go back to work.

The hormones the last month have done a number on my sex drive. The Provera kills it, regardless, and I have had hormone-induced migraines almost every day since my cycle decided to be wacky. And we have both been exhausted, by the above mentioned shittiness. I hope that next week, when we have to have the ever romantic "timed intercourse" it doesn't feel like work. After not getting any for so long, I'm sure we'll both be elated just to..well, you know. Anyway. 

So I went back to work.  And proceeded to have it out w/my boss & new receptionist. Now, I did it in the kindest, least sarcastic way possible, but it was stuff that has been dragging me down for weeks and she needed to know about it. After all was said & done, we were in a much better place. At work, I can only hold it for about 4 weeks. Then, if you railroaded me or ran me over too many times, it has to stop. Today was that day. And I feel like everyone is on more solid ground. Sometimes, you just have to have it out.

I'm on my 2nd to last day of the Fem.neara. My side effects have been few. Cramps (but those could be AF related, but my AF cramps are usually in my back, these were very obviously in my pelvis), a little bit of bloating & an almost "heavy" sensation, & fatigue. I've been really tired. I think it's due to the Fem.ara. I'm blaming it on that anyway. 01/11 is my u/s. I'm nervous. But the nurse at Dr. J's office was really sweet when I explained my glass half-empty state of mind. She said that most women that are ovulating on their own (which I am) take the Fem.ara to increase egg quality & quantity. I asked it twins were on the radar, and she said..yep. Oh jeez. That would be amazing & terrifying at the same time. I just want one good follical, to turn into one great zygote, into one amazing embryo, into one fantastic fetus, into one delicious, amazing, wonderful, miraculous newborn. That's all. Just one is fine. 

I'm exhausted & going to bed. The 2nd day of sleep training is going very well. I only had to go in twice before she was alseep...and didn't scream the whole time. Yay!!!