Checking In

It's 2 AM, and the babe is just drifting off back to sleep, so this will be very quick, w/a longer update when I can. She still has colic + reflux, so that's been rough. She's on her 2nd prescription for it, and seems to be doing "better-ish." I have PPD (w/added Prozac) so the crying jags have almost abated, but I have such high anxiety, that I have almost completely stopped eating (therefore loosing those pesky last few pounds, a plus?) I plan on calling Dr. F tomorrow. I have an appointment on the 31st for a check-up on the PPD, but I don't feel like I can carry this anxiety around anymore. I am just not enjoying anything because I am so anxiety ridden 24/7. I'm not sleeping, not even when the baby sleeps, I just toss and turn all the time. I have Ambien CR, but that knocks me out and I'm not sure I can trust DH 100% yet. Thinking of that, we had a few small, lets say, arguments because he is NOT helping me out. He thinks doing the dishes once a week is call for a medal..and has the audacity to ask what I do all day since the laundry and stuff isn't getting done. I gently remind him that there are days when his daughter cries or is otherwise inconsolable for up to 7hrs. I have w/held physical violence. That, in itself, calls for a cookie, I do believe. I want to enjoy life and my baby girl more since I have waited and gone through so much to be here. I love her w/all my heart, and I know (or at least people tell me) that things will get better..Please, if I may be so bold, and if you are the praying kind, pray for me to have peace. I just want this anxiety gone. Okay, she's asleep, so I need to try and do the same. A better update w/pictures to follow =)

I'm So Over This

Apparently, the theme for tonight is "what the fuck do I know?" Case in point, the baby has been crying for 7 hrs straight, with the only stopping being when she was eating. I was home w/her all day (our first day "alone"). I had my appointment w/Dr. F (more on that later) and from 11:30am until now, she has cried and screamed. She seems to be wheezing as well and I want to take her to the hospital. For some reason, her pediatrician doesn't have an after hours number (wtf!?) and so I don't know what else to do. We've tried swinging, car rides, walks, sitting up, laying down, patting on the back, patting on the stomach, eating, just some water, paci, no paci, bouncing, laying w/mommy, to no avail. She hasn't taken any naps and starts screaming as soon as she is done eating. I'm at my wits end. I don't know what else to do. Advice from my mother "well don't hold her too much, cause then she'll be used to you holding her and you'll never be able to put her down." And my husband, who started his first day of field training today, tells me he was about to go crazy after 2 hours of her hysterics, thinks that we should wait and see how she does tonight. Really!? Are you going to stay up w/her all night while she cries? Are you gonna take tomorrow off and listen to hear scream for another 8 hours? Nope, didn't think so. I'd rather be told she's healthy, then wait, and find out something is wrong. I just feel like nothing I do is good enough. And that obviously, what the fuck do I know? I'm just her mom. I just spend every waking minute with her. Guess we'll see.

I Wish My Mind & Heart Would Connect

I know, you've probably heard just about enough about my ceasing breastfeeding, but this is my blog, and I need to get this out of my system so I can enjoy my daughter and husband. Feel free to not read today, I understand.

I have never really *hated* my body. There have been times when I had body image issues (as a teenager, when I put on the freshman 15 25, etc) but we've had a really good relationship for most of my life. And I've loved my bo.obs since they finally came in when  I was 23 (yep, I was like a 38A and overnight, boom, almost a C). Right now, I am furious w/my body. I hate it. Really. It makes me feel sick. My body miscarried 5 babies and then, couldn't keep one in a measly 40 weeks. And then, they didn't do their job to feed her everything she needed. I know that supplementing isn't an issue, and that it was done in the NICU so she got used to it, but STILL. I wanted this so much, which is really funny, because, if you remember, right up until I had her, I was pretty turned off by the whole bf'ing thing. I was really having issues with it. And now, my brain & heart can't reconcile with each other. In my head, I KNOW this is the best thing for both of us. And that she is growing like crazy, and that I got her through her time at the NICU. But in my heart, every time I give her a bottle (which I've been able to do a few times) and every time she nuzzles me, and roots around, my heart breaks. I feel like I've taken something away from her that she needs. I feel like she doesn't like me as much any more ( I know, she's 6.weeks.old) but it's just breaking me. I can barely look in a mirror because I don't want to see my chest that is bound by a sports bra, a tight tank top and a tight shirt. I don't want to take a shower or bath because then I have to see the breasts that failed her (and me). I've had to hide all of my nursing supplies, the cream, the pads, the gorgeous nursing cover my mom made for me. I have trouble reading other posts about when I was nursing her or looking at pictures that have me nursing her. I feel like my heart will not recover. Is it the end of the world? No. Could things be awfully worse? Yes. And in my little speck of the stratosphere, is this my biggest worry? No. But does it feel like I can't reconcile what my brain knows and what my heart doesn't? Yes. I just feel like I've failed her. I know that I haven't, because she is gorgeous and perfect, and wonderful, but still, I'm really struggling. It's getting easier every day (it's been 48 hours) but I miss it, and if I knew that I could provide enough for her, I would in a heartbeat.


Thinking of absolute perfection..Here she is...

See how long she is getting? She was 8lbs 10oz & 22.5 inches when we took her to the pediatrician on Friday. She gained all that weight in 15 days. She loves to eat!!

We LOVE this face..It cracks us up..She is really becoming verbal and making a lot of faces. It's absolutely amazing!!

Cold Turkey

SUCKS!!! But I think (and my doctor confers) that this is the best way for me. What I haven't told you is just how epic the meltdowns have been. How I've cried for the last 3 days, except for 3 hours yesterday at lunch w/my mom. How out of control I feel (felt?)  I knew this morning, after crying for almost 10 hours straight, with no end in site, that it was time to call Dr. F. I explained the situation, and he agreed, that I'm not producing enough (we tried just breastfeeding, she was starving, and screaming) and that stopping was best for my mental health. I told him I felt like I was on the slippery slope towards PPD. He called in some estro.gen patches to get the hormones under control and hopefully ease the crying jags, and suggested cabbage leaves in my bra to help w/the milk production. Can you believe it? Cabbage!! And it seems to be helping. My right breast is hard as a rock, and I expressed a little in the shower this morning (which he told me not to do, lol) and my left doesn't really hurt. I'm pretty sure the pain is going to get worse before it gets better. But as Dr. F pointed out "would you rather bf your baby, and be miserable and not able to enjoy any part of her or go through a few days of pain, and be able to enjoy your baby?" Touche' Dr. F. So that's where I'm at. A steady regime of trying to do anything to take my mind off it, having DH do most of her feedings, til I can do them and not cry (cause this just works her up) and wearing cabbage leaves, a sports bra and 2 tight shirts. Yep. I'm the hotness.
PS: Thank you for all of your love and support the past few days. It really means a lot.

I'm Done

With breastfeeding that is..and it KILLS me to say it, but my milk supply has never really come in, and I am furious about this. She's just not getting what she gets from me, she's wanting to eat every 90 minutes and I've had a few meltdowns the past couple of days. Plus, nursing & supplementing was just wiping me out. I was still barely getting an ounce from both breasts when I pumped, so that wouldn't work when I went back to work. This is not a decision I came to lightly, in fact, I'm tearing up typing about it now. I know that no one is judging me, and there never has been any pressure to nurse, but I really feel like my body is one big failure. It didn't keep her in full term and now it's not producing enough milk. But I do know that 6 weeks is better then no weeks and it got her through her time at the NICU. Right now though, I think the hormones that are being produced are part of what is making me crazy. I have so much anxiety about it that I'm barely functioning. So, we're done. Hopefully, things will go better w/the next baby.

Baby bear has developed a really rad case of colic. So that has NOT been fun over the last 4 days. I am almost at the end of my rope, and it that in & of itself was making it really hard to get her to latch and nurse well. But anyway, she had her check up w/Dr. S today, she weighed in at 8lbs 10oz!!! Can you believe that!? She's gone from 7lbs 2oz to 8lbs 10oz in 15 days..Insanity!! So she's obviously growing. He said to call on Monday if she is still having reflux, he thinks we were just overfeeding her, and that's why she was spitting up/vomiting. She seems to be doing okay food wise. She's been asleep since 9:00pm (OMG!!) and I was able to cook dinner and maybe even eat it. It's also been suggested to try soy formula if she keeps vomiting what she is on. We'll see how it goes.

Okay, I just had to get that out. I'm just really struggling in general right now w/all of my emotions, and I have an appointment w/Dr. F on Monday, hopefully I can get some meds to help things calm down. We'll see.

A Little Concerned *Now With Added Update*

* Did you know that in preemies, colic doesn't usually show up til their due date or later..Tada. We're in teh week of her EDD. Little bear definitely has colic, we see Dr. S tomorrow. DH is picking up some gripe water to get us through the night since I just had an EPIC meltdown. Oh, and just for shits & gigs, AF showed up. As Darius Rucker says "it won't be like this for long." He better be right!!*

Any advice, would be appreciated..

• Babycakes has started spitting up & vomiting after almost every meal. So much so, that it looks like it's about 1-2 ounces at least, if not more. And I know the difference between spit up and vomit, and she has vomited twice, on me. I'm really worried. Therefore, she wants to eat ALL THE TIME. Like every 90 minutes, boob & bottle. 
• Her longest stretch of sleep overnight was 1 hour 40 minutes. Therefore, momma is EXHAUSTED. Yes, DH is helping out, but he struggles to get awake and I struggle to relinquish control. Plus, he can't boob feed her. Also, she is taking 30 minutes to eat 2-3 ounces of formula. 
• She usually has "alert times" 4-6 hours a day, split into early afternoon, early evening, and late evening. For the last almost 3 days, she has not been very alert, maybe only 3 hours a day. And when she is awake, she spend the majority of the time screaming & crying. Like she's colicky.
• Can colic come @ 6wks? What about reflux? These are all things I thought were supposed to begin sooner rather then later. Yes, I've called the pediatrician, he thinks it's a "phase" (wonder when the last time was he had 3 hours of sleep in 3 days?!) and wants to see her tomorrow morning if it doesn't stop (the spitting up/vomiting). She has spit up twice this morning, which is a TON less then she has been, but it was projectile, so thats not good. 
• I have her sleeping in her room currently (we'll see how long she stays there) because she makes little noises when she sleeps, and I wake up for all of them (since she usually sleeps in our room in the co-sleeper)
• All of this just concerns me. She's not the happy go lucky baby she was just 3 days ago. Idk if this has to do w/her growing or what, but I'm worried, and doing worse case scenario. Of course I am. Oh, and I defn. have anxiety issues and Dr. F doesn't want to see me til Monday. Something has to change. Either her pediatrician tells us how to get her back on track or Dr. F has to see me. Otherwise, I'm gonna be on the other side of a mental breakdown.

Oh Just Things

• So since I had the c-section (maybe I've already mentioned this?) I haven't really had an appetite or been eating..Like, at all. I figured I was just loosing weight quickly cause that's what happens when you have a c-section. I'm about 4lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight, I guess that's a little bit uncommon?  Anyway, since the babe will be 6wks tomorrow (OMG!!) I called Dr. F yesterday and informed his nurse of the situation. That I'm not really eating, and when I do, no matter what it is, I feel nauseous about half-way through the meal and can't finish. She asked if I was breastfeeding (which I am) and said it could be related to that & ask if I was opposed to anti-anxiety meds (which I am not). So apparently, this is PPD related. Ugh. What a surprise. I really feel like I'm doing good otherwise (no bad feelings about the baby, no epic meltdowns, etc) but I have to go see the good doc on Monday. Not looking forward to that.
• I still get pretty upset when she needs a bottle, but I realize that there is NOTHING wrong w/supplementing..Besides that it is exhausting to feed her. I've been letting her stay @ the bo.ob as long as she wants (within reason) because I've heard it helps supply and it's better for her. But she has been taking upwards of 35 minutes to take 2-3oz of formula. It's getting ridiculous. Plus, she is spitting up A LOT. I think she is just eating because it is offered and not because she is actually hungry. And I don't know how to figure out if that is the case, because I'm not gonna let her just cry and cry. I'll ask her pediatrician at her next visit.
• She *was* on an excellent schedule, only waking up 2x a night, and now, her longest stretch of sleep has been 1hr40mins. Not so great for momma. I don't know if she is going through a growth spurt or what, but it's been hellish the last few days.
• She is becoming more alert when she is awake. It's pretty great to interact with her. 
• Using birth control, KILLS me. It makes me feel bad. As long as we waited for a baby and loosing 5, just makes me think we shouldn't be using it (and no, we haven't colored yet, we've been TOO exhausted) but I know we are so, so not ready for baby #2 right now. I can't even imagine. Ugh. It just makes me feel conflicted.
• Okay, I'm gonna go try to eat something.

A Long Time Coming

On Friday, March 4, 2011, my husband became an Indiana State Trooper. After 4.5 years of applying, training, running, working out, watching his weight, acceptions that turned into rejections, conditional offers that fell through, working for free, doing security, and being a reserve, my husband is a sworn police officer.

On Thursday, baby E & I got to visit him at the academy, and we met the troopers that have been training (torturing) him and some of the other recruits that he has made friends with. I met some of the command staff & the superintendent. And we had to have the talk about death benefits and what kind of funeral he would have. It really, really freaked me out. I was an emotional mess the next two days.

Graduation was absolutely amazing. And yep, I pretty much cried from start to finish. There were bagpipers, presentation of the flag & color guard, the recruits marched in, the governor spoke as did the superintendent. The Chief Justice of the Supreme Court delivered my husbands oath of office and he walked across the stage to receive his badge a changed man. He looked amazing. He is completely different, and exactly the same. After seeing a video of what was done to him, what he went through, during the last 24wks, I am amazed that he was able to stay the same person I married. The video was awful to watch. It was so bad, that had I known what he was being put through, I would've asked him to quit. BUT, it was worth it to him, he is the happiest I have ever seen him (besides when he is with our daughter) and he will be an amazing police officer. It's official, I am the wife of a state trooper!!!

 

 

We're Here

Hi, we're still here. I just feel like I am drowning in nursing issues, poopy diapers (or lack thereof), exhaustion, and stress. Yep, sounds like life w/a newborn, correct? Just say yes. She is currently on a 3-3.5hr. eating/sleeping schedule..yay!! But still feels the need to have alert time between 1-7AM, and usually for 2-3hrs at a time. That part, not so fun. We've taken her out on a few outings, and her pediatrician actually suggested the mall because people aren't getting in her face like they do at church etc. So she makes her big "debut" this weekend.

E's graduation from the police academy is Friday, and his mom, dad & his wife, grandpa, sister & brother-in-law will all be there along w/ my parents, my grandma, me, babeh, & our pastor & his wife. So, yeah, I'm gonna have to play enforcer and not let her get passed around. I'm just not ready for it and I'm just not that momma. Maybe if she was bigger, healthier, wasn't premature, but she wasn't & isn't, so I can't. His sister & mom will pitch a fit, but I'm at a whatever point. Running on very, very little sleep makes me loose my "I give a shit" filter. They can feel free to leave if they don't like me trying to protect my daughter. Tomorrow is family day @ the academy (where we discuss fun topics like what kind of funeral my husband will have should he get killed in the line of duty, and how much life insurance I get) and I get a tour of the academy and meet the counselors & troopers, a few of whom I'd like to punch for the treatment they've given my husband, but anyway. There are at least 5 families who have had babies during this academy, the oldest one 5 months ago (October) the newest one 3 weeks ago. We are ALL nursing our babies, and the academy mandated that NO CHILDREN be allowed to this meeting..including our little nurslings. Please believe us momma's made HUGE stink about it..and now, we can bring the babies but we are NOT allowed to nurse where other people can see us. Isn't that nice. And, they don't want to allow any of us to come to the banquet w/our babies. I'm pretty sure that's going against our rights as nursing moms. Whatever. So I'm most likely not going to the banquet tomorrow night. My dad will go in my place (which was the original plan since I wasn't due til, well, today). So tomorrow will be her first big trip out . Hopefully everything goes okay. Then Sunday, she'll make her debut at church, and I'll again be the enforcer. Oh well, it's a momma's job.

My DH has the next 10 days after graduation off before he starts FTO. That will also be boot camp for him since he hasn't really been living the life of a new daddy. He must be broken of some old habits. He berated me Saturday about nursing in public and some other things and we got into a huge fight. He finally realized the error of his ways after 4 hours of silent treatment from me and he apologized. But he has to realize that we are partners in this parenting game. It's not just me. He has to help w/nighttime feedings, changing her diaper, giving baths, putting on clothes, doing laundry, etc. So far, he hasn't done that. We'll see how it goes. It will be intensive training.

Randomly, baby girl doesn't poop on a regular schedule, which her pediatrician says is normal, but literally, she has blow-outs every 2 days. It's yucky!! Like right now, she is really, really straining, and I know she is going to blow out in her new outfit, lol. Sounds like a bath is on the way. Which she has a love/hate relationship with. Also, we are still doing the breastfeeding then 2-3ozs of formula thing as well, which makes me feel worthless. I am really struggling w/not giving up the breastfeeding. I know it is good for her, but it makes me feel like less of a mom when I also have to supplement w/formula. I just don't know what to do. What I do know is that I have almost completely lost my appetite since having my c-section, and I only eat maybe 1 meal a day (and I'm not hungry) and that has to be affecting my supply. And I don't know how to get my appetite back. Any ideas? (on the appetite or supply).

Otherwise, things are dandy. I'm really not trying to complain, but sometimes, I just feel like I'm on the verge of crying, and I just need to get it out. I know it's lack of sleep, and yes, I am watching out for PPD. She is a joy. She is gorgeous, and I am so lucky to get to be her momma. I can't wait to watch her grow, and become more active. She is so funny, I just love her to pieces.