24 Hours

In that amount time..we *should* theoretically being hearing the waves lap at our feet. Hopefully..We're out of Indy by 10am so 12 hours later..I cannot *wait* for 12 hours in the car w/a 3 yo. Well actually, Im pumped. Not about the time in the car, but giving this experience to Moo. I think it will be enjoyable for everyone. We picked her up from school today, she had had NO nap and was a BEAR this evening. We got some Pizza Hut, came home around 8, she got a fast bath and was in bed by 8:30..She was asleep by 9:00. She likes to sleep in our bed, so right now she is at the foot of the bed, and I cannot stretch out. LOL. Big E said to just put my legs on her cause she (and him) wouldn't hear a freight train if it roared through the house, but I have feel bad. But I have to get some sleep since Im doing the first few hours of driving tomorrow.


Im did HORRIBLY on ICLW this month..and I apologize. I love giving & receiving comments, but there has just been a lot going on this week. I will do better next month since the end of June won't be as jam packed.

Sunday is Megan & Tim's 1 year anniversary..this time last year we were in Arkansas for the wedding..I can't believe it's been a year!! And Sunday is my Aunt J's birthday..and this time last year she was 12 weeks pregnant w/Gracie & no one knew..lol..Funny how much can happen in a year.

Okay..thats all for now.. Oh and I think Im becoming used to the Ambien becaus I took it almost an hour ago, and it STILL hasn't kicked in. Awesome.

I don't know if we'll have internet access from the condo, so bye for now. I'll update if I can, if not, I'll talk to everyone next Sunday.

Bullets Cause I'm Lazy

• Please keep LM in your thoughts and prayers..Her dad has a blocked right atrium and had a heart attack earlier today..so he had an echocardiogram done today and most likely will have to have surgery tomorrow. He is from OH and won't be able to go home tomorrow or at all this weekend..And she's super scared, obviously.
• Tomrorow is gonna be a clusterf*ck at work and I really do like those days cause it's chaos and busy and keeps the doc out of my hair..He's really taking all of his anger out on us & Dr. B, which sucks big ol big time, but oh well, tomorrow is my last day for the next week, so I can deal.
• I swear if this f*cking HDMI cable doesn't get it's shit together Im gonna throw it out into the yard. I hate Comcast. <--PERIOD.
• I also am NOT a fan of Lady GaGa's Poker Face or any of her new shit. She annoys the crap out of me and her outfits are hideous.
• I am a fan of "So You Think You Can Dance" lol. Don't judge. It's like American Idol, only w/o the singing<--That was a memo from the Department of Redundancy Department. Also, American Idol=the big suck this season.
• We have some hot patients at the office. I know thats probably all kinds of aganst HIPAA and unprofessional, but dammit, it's the truth
• That's all folks :)

Just This Morning

Alarm failed to go off..Got up 15 minutes late (still got dressed, make-upped, and to work in 30 minutes)
Car got broken into: Well "broken" into isn't exactly the word. I NEVER leave my doors unlocked. Apparently, last night after unloading stuff from Walmart, I did. I blame this all on Walmart and will be suing ASAP. They only took a 6yo cell phone that was in the glove compartment went through the car, took everything out of the center console, rooted through the trunk, but I have so much random shit in the trunk and console, even if there was something of value, they'd never find it. What they did leave behind were a few bank statements and Sallie Mae statements..So obviously just some punk-ass kids being little f*cks.
LM's dad is having diabetic ketoacidocisis: He is visiting from Ohio I think, and hasn't told anyone he has diabetes, and isn't taking any kind of medication and he has Type II which means insulin, which he isn't taking, and went into shock last night, which is basically what ketoacidosis is, except to the very extreme. He's in Comm. North Hospital and most likely won't get to go back to OH tomorrow or at all this weekend. I'll keep you updated.

So things happen in 3's. I think those should be mine. No more. Thanks

2 Days

Til Gulf Shores..Thank goodness..Today was just..ugh at work. The doc was an ass, he has us doing all this paperwork, the extern was worthless and LM wasn't there. And over the last 2 days, 4 pens have EXPLODED all over my hands and arms..just out of nowhere. yeah, just one of those weeks. I was gonna try to work on Friday, but now, not so much. We took our big suitcase and stroller to my mom & dad's and we are gonna pack the rest of the stuff in our car. Getting that suitcase out of our car is really helpful. Yes, I still have to pack everything else, no Im not doing it tonight. I'll most likely do it Friday night after we get the Moo. On another note, I did something to my rotator cuff on Friday night while sleeping and it has hurt ALL week. Dr. B has been working on it (have I told you about her? she is the new doc at the office. AMAZING!!!) anyway, it feels like the trap & bicep muscles are TWISTING and it really hurts. Big E said to take an Ambie & Vicodin..lol..so I won't feel any pain but I won't wake up til Sunday, so that might not work so much. Okay..completely random but Capt. Ron is a cinematic masterpiece and I heart Reno 911:)

Hmm..

Just a few things..cause Im feeling "bullety"

• We leave for GS on Saturday...and we are supposed to take our "big" stuff over to my parents house tomorrow since they are leaving Thursday and offered to take things like our suitcase, the stroller, the beach stuff, etc. Umm guess what I have packed? The suitcase, kind of. Ahh the joys of procrastinating
• Did you hear about Mike Tyson's baby? How devastating and tragic. How does that happen? I have never seen a cord hanging off of a treadmill. Where were her parents? I mean, we were taught in this babysitting class I took (don't laugh) that any kind of exercise equipment is dangerous..and to keep the kids off. I don't know. It's just horrible.
• Also, on a completely unrelated note, and kind of way off..Police Academy (the first one) is hilarious!!
• I do not understand this breakthrough bleeding BS that is going on w/this bc. I think it's because I started AF last Sunday and slapped the patch on, and my period completely stopped. So I talked to the doc, and she said it was totally normal. So now, is it normal to have this breakthrough stuff? Sometimes it's heavy and I feel crampy every day. She said it could take up to 3mos for my system to get situated. Awesome. Took 11 months for it to get normal, might take 3 mos to get used to the hormones?! I hate this.

Okay, thats all for real. Im off to bed :)

Returning Good Thoughts

Please go visit these fine ladies as they go through the good & the bad of trying to make a family..

• Gina: Has recently started Lupron and is NOT a big fan of how it makes her feel and act
• ShakenMama: Welcomed her 3rd girl, Leafy into the world today...Go send congrats!!
• VABlondie: Saw the baby today!!
• Melissa: Is starting a new cycle..Go wish her luck & love! She deserves it SO much!!
• MrsGamgee:Is still in the 2WW (I do believe) and is having baaaad insomnia..Go wish her luck & ZzZz's

Okay, so thats that. It's defn. gone from Spring to Summer in a few days. It is HOT!! It was close to 90 today, high Indiana humidity. A semi-uneventful Memorial Day weekend..Friday Big E worked and I met up w/some friends. Saturday we had Moo and went to the 500 Festival Parade (my 26th!!) w/my mom and it was SO hot!! Almost too much to stand. Moo was not a big fan of the heat. Then we came home all took a late nap and Moo was so tired she was back in bed by 9:30. Big E worked a 15 hour shift Saturday night to Sunday morning and Moo & I went swimming, and just hung out at home. Monday we *tried* to go to the zoo, but the one day we chose, it POURED down rain. A deluge. For real. We really wanted to see the new Komodo's, but we made it through the Ocean's building and that was it. We were soaked. So we went to Steak & Shake and Moo went home. E worked again, and I went to a bonfire. I need another day off. LOL. We leave Saturday morning for Gulf Shores, I am MORE then ready and I know Big E is as well. Im nervous because I've never driven a long distance before. Big E has a police test at 7am and should be finished by 11am. So hopefully, we can get to GS by late Saturday night. Thats better then I thought it was going to be, because orginally, we weren't gonna get out of town until 3pm. But Im gonna start off driving so E can get some sleep. So we'll see how that goes. Im so excited to get Moo to the beach. Collect seashells, see the *glowing* crabs, see her in the ocean etc.

Im also, most likely, going on a solo vacation to California in July..more on that later, when I feel safe sharing. It's nothing bad, just complicated.

Things in seperated land are the same. He really doesn't have any suggestions except he wants to stay together and has been "talking" to someone...Which is fine by me. Seriously. We are trying to see what we want, and right now, we arent getting it from each other. So whatever he needs to do.

Okay..Im doing HORRIBLE at this month's ICLW, so Im gonna go try to catch up:)

Happy Memorial Day!!

Myspace Graphics, Memorial Day Graphics at WishAFriend.com


Thank you to my Grandpa Robert J. Heidorn-WW2 (Normandy/Auschwitz)
My Grandpa Robert L. Wolfe-Korean War
My Uncle Steven J. Heidorn-Vietnam
My Uncle Eugene H. Albertson-Vietnam
My good friend Joshua P. Buesching-Iraq
My good friend and coworker Joshua A. Grant-Iraq

3 Days Late

And no, not "that" kind of late...3 days late to ICLW...SHIT!!!

So here's my intro that I've kind of stolen from Mrs. Gamgee....

• 26: My current age (or "late" twenties as I like to say).
• 3: Angel Babies: I had a m/c my sophmore year of college on 12/19/02. I got pregnant at the end of November 2008 and miscarried 6 wks later (again 12/19/08) and got a BIG surprise +t on 02/02/09 and miscarried on March 15, 2009 (my husband's birthday, nice).
• 1: Number of children that call me mamma: Moo is my baby..she and I aren't biologically mamma & daughter, but in every other way, we are. Her bio mama overdosed 2 years ago tomorrow and her bio daddy is heavy into bad things..So she lives w/her grandparents who I used to work with and I kind of stepped into the mamma space. She is the love of my life and will always be my "first" baby.
• 1: Number of times I have been married..My husband and I married on 10-04-08...Unfortunately, we are now in the midst of a seperation..I've fought extremely hard for this marriage w/no help on his part, so this is where we are. He most likely will be moving out by the end of July. I am heartbroken and more then a little destroyed.
• 8: Months we were TTC. We have, obviously stopped because of the seperation, which makes me sadder then anything and I just recently went back on the birth control patch..My periods regulated themselves but my skin and hormones took a beating. I'll be on for 3 mos. (til September) at which time the hub and I will for sure know what we are doing and we'll decide what to do from there.
• 2: Number of years I've been blogging. This blog has followed me through my last horrific relationship, being engaged, married, ttc, loosing 2 babies, and now, seperation. It is my outlet, my resource, and I love being able to just let it out. I haven't blogged in a few days due to some new developments, which I may or may not go into, but I try to log in every day:)
• 91.5: Hours on my last paycheck..I seem to work, A LOT. But I love my job (most of the time) and the it is kind of an "escape" from things that are going on at home. Maybe thats not the best thing to do, but oh well.
• 7: Number of Harry Potter books I've read..All of them, Im addicted<--the first step is admitting it :) Im getting Moo addicted as well. Right now, her fave book and movie is the Chamber of Secrets..It's actually on right now as she falls asleep for her nap.
• 4: Number of children i eventually want to have..Better get on that ASAP :)

Okay..thats me in number formation..Im sorry Im late to ICLW..I've just been swamped w/work and other fun stuff..So stop by and stay awhile.

Rock Hard

Seriously..you guys rock so hard..I love it. Thank you for your support, words of encouragement..etc...I absolutely would not make it w/o you...my RL friends are being pretty great too. Im not talking to much to my family..they just want me to make it work and right now, I can't do that.


Okay..off to paint my nails orange...sparkly..yay!!

Im Struggling

Im really at a loss w/a lot of things right now and felt the need to ask for bloggy support...In no particular order and bulleted formation

• My marriage: Defn. still on the rocks w/no support from my family except to "make it work." At this point, I'd rather be single and the "black sheep" then married and miserable. But I look back at our wedding pictures , remember getting engaged, dating etc. and start to have 2nd thoughts. Ugh. I just wish I knew the right path to take.
• My job: The doc I work for fo sho was an asshat to me Saturday, when I came in, special, he wasn't even thankful. Fine, I don't care that you don't care that I came in on my day off, but be a little bit understanding that Im not Chippy McChipperson. He also wants me to "share more personal stuff" w/him. Ummm not in a million years. He'll never know, and thats the way it should be, because he uses your "issues" as ammunition against me. Read back to December of 08 and the first m/c to see what I mean. Plus, we just hired this new girl, LM as she'll be known and I am really struggling to be able to even stand her. It's not the extern, who, as far as I know, IS PG. Nice, but anyway, this new girl had family that were chiros, so she knows "everything" and she is engaged and planning a wedding and I get jealous and sick of hearing about it. I know it's not all about me & my issues, but Im just having a hard time. At least KL understands.
• Being back on BC. I started AF yesterday..well I had some, what I would call, heavy spotting, plus ginormous cramps today & yesterday, but today, not so much bleeding. Hopefully I didn't put my patch on too early. We'll see. It just means that I am for sure, NOT ttc, and that kills me. I want everything to work out, and him to change his ways, and us to fall back in love and make a baby, one that lives past 7 weeks. My friend Rach says that there is someone out there for me, and we will make beautiful babies, and it might just be Big E, but he has to change, and I know this, it would just, hypothetically, be so much easier to just stay around and be unhappy. But how unfair to a baby, to put them through that, and myself. Being pregnant is hard enough, let alone, being married and STILL having no support. I know this is the right decision, it just sucks.

Okay, enough bitching. Im gonna head to bed and hopefully this head cold doesn't move into my chest.

Home Sick

Can people who are sick w/sinus infection/the flu/a fever please NOT COME TO WORK?!? Keep that shit to yourself. There is one person that comes in EVERY time she is sick..Last time another co-worker got it so bad he missed 3 days of work. So she came in 2 days last week and I was feeling dandy, until yesterday morning. I felt AWFUL. I missed the graduation recognition breakfast at my church..which sucked..then we had recognition at church, which I barely made it through, then I came home and just hung out. So this AM I woke up w/a monster migraine, but I figured I'd just go to work and try to get better..No dice. I am back home by 9:30. Suck. We leave for vacation next Friday, I cannot afford to miss work right now...fantastic.

And please head over and send mucho congrats to Grad3 who got a postive test this morning..She is having some treatment done to make sure this baby sticks around..So go wish her love & luck!!

Okay..thats all for now..I just wanted to send a big ol shoutout to Melissa who has been keeping tabs on me & making sure everything is okay..Im so lucky to have blog friends like her..So thank you THANK YOU!!!

A Spring Day

Myspace Comments




Firstly..head over and give mucho congrats to Erin who just gave birth to her GORGEOUS baby boy Trent...He is too adorable for words.

Today, it was GORGEOUS..finally, an end to the rain at least for now. The weather was insane this week..But get this..it was like 80 Friday and SO muggy that it was miserable (kind of like the summer months here) but there is a FROST advisory for tonight..Are you kidding me!? Indiana, please get it together. It was quite chilly, but sunny today. Well I say sunny, but it was probably 60 and windy so jeans were the protocol.

Umm..what else is new? AF I do believe is starting today..There's been some spotting and SERIOUS cramping..but then, onto the birth control I go, which I am and am not excited about. It means my hormones will finally regulate, my skin will get back under control, and I won't feel like my insides are being torn out for 7 days..On the other hand, there's no chance of babies, and I know the TTC train has derailed here for now..but still, it's a kick in the head.

Anyway..thats all for now. A pretty boring post..but oh well:)

Oh & an addendum: Happy Birthday to my "sis" Christiane & my good friend AA!!! Hope the day was great!!

Boom Boom POW

The title describes the weather today..Thunderstorms, LOTS of lightening, RAIN, rain, RAIN and eventually a tornado warning..Welcome to spring in Indy!!! As Bob & Tom said "Does anyone else feel like they've moved to Ireland?!" I do not ever remember having this much rain in the spring before. It's insane:) But I do love thunderstorms.


Tonight was the mother/daughter banquet at my church..It had to be rescheduled from last week due to flooding in the basement..It was enjoyable but at the same time a HARSH reminder of what I don't have, and feel like I never will. I would be 27 weeks pregnant..And it just kills me. I had Moo, so that made it more bearable, but still.

Have to work tomorrow in the AM and so does Big E, send a little prayer that the rain holds off until he can finish his route..Working ALL DAY in the rain sucks for him big time.

Okay..Im exhausted..More tomorrow:)

Big Ol Bad Day

Bullets...

• Big E was removed from the selection process for the next IMPD recruit class (of course, no reason given) and cannot apply again for 2 years.
• Another friend is PG..not TOO sure who the dad is since she broke up w/her ex and had sex w/someone else a week later. Rad.
• Ulcers were bad today..most likely because of the stress of the above 2 things..in pretty much a lot of pain and can't (read won't) take Ambien & Vicodin. I might never wake up.
• Fucking ready for vacation. Can I make it plainer then that?
• A plus side..seeing a very good friend tomorrow..it's his bday Saturday and we will celebrate tomorrow with Sam Adams & a movie
• Mother/Daughter banquet is tomorrow..get to see my Moo, and she has her first teeball game Saturday afternoon..yay!!!
• Have to work Saturday..haven't done that in 20 million years, it blows, but it's extra hours..woot!!
• Face is COMPLETELY broken out. So, basically, Im the hotness.

Thats all for now..Expecting AF any damn time, yay for that. Will post more tomorrow.

Gah..

2 ulcers and gastritis..That is the current Dx from the great Dr. S. She also just listened to me bitch about how much things suck right now..without judgement..and that was really nice. She gave me some meds for the ulcers, and I talked to her about my acne problem..so Im going back on BC..the Ortho Evra patch which I like very much and in 3 mos I'll have a recheck w/the good doctor. By August a lot more things should be figured out..so we'll know where to go from there on the BC & TTC situation..So thats what thats all about. Im in pain, but I got a refill on the Vicodin (plus, AF is supposed to make an appearance this weekend..YAY!!! Cramps have already begun, man Im lucky).

On an unrelated note, I found out today that Tammy & Rod's cabin in Owen County (that's Moo's grandparents) was burned to the ground, COMPLETELY destroyed last night. They are DEVASTATED to say the least. It's most likely arson as there have been 3-4 other burnings like that this week. It's terrible, and they only had partial insurance coverage. So please send good vibes/thoughts/prayers their way.

Okay, Im gonna go try and force down some toast. I just hate feeling like this because I know Im gonna feel like shit after I eat, so eating anything doesn't sound appealing at all.

Sick or something

So I don't know wtf is going on..I've had really bad stomach-digestive pains since yesterday after Olive Garden...Im not pukey or anything, I just get super sick to my stomach after I eat ANYTHING..and it's not like Im having gigantic proportions. Now at lunch I fo sho over did it at Wendy's, but that was it. At dinner I had like 1/2 a serving of fettucini and some salad and go so bloated I looked 20 mos pregnant and have had pains ever since. I've had the bloating problem since I had an extremely bad case of the stomach flu last February..I think I might have gallstones..I have an appointment w/my doc tomorrow anyway, so I'll bring it up then..Along w/the fact that my knee hurts SO much more then it has been..It might be time to suck it up and finally do something..Anyway, Im gonna go take a shower and see if that helps..



PS: So we took Allie on a walk today..and there was defn. a HUGE snapping turtle in the creek..WHOA!!!

Gulf Shores

I know..2 posts in 1 day..it's becoming a regular occurence..try not to get used to it..


Just FYI..and thank God, we leave for Gulf Shores in a little over 18 days. Seems far away, but I know the time will fly by. I am SO EXCITED. We had Moo this weekend, which made it being Mothers Day a *little* more bearable...she is pumped. We had to mark on the calendar when we are living. She asked me why she doesn't live with us, and questions about her mom. I tried to explain as gently and as plainly as I could to a 3 year old. It's a tough situation. I also told her mamaw about the current situation btwn the hub and I. She was VERY understanding, cried when I told her about the 2nd m/c (not many people in real life even know it happened) and told me if I needed to vent or just go get drunk, to call her. She is a real godsend, and if things don't ease up, I may have to take her up on that getting drunk offer. Anyway, thats all I have for now. The Ambien will be kicking in soon and I don't want to fall asleep on the keyboard.

Happy Mother's Day!!

As hard as it is for me to say that..As I should be a few weeks away from becoming a mamma myself..Everything happens for a reason and in good time..



Congrats to those who are soon to be mammas, luck, love, and hope to those who are still trying, and peace and grace to those who are mammas to angels.



Happy Mothers Day to all!

The Zoo

It's quite an experience when you wondering "am I" and "this would be the WORST possible timing" while at the same time being INSANELY jealous of everyone that is. Seems like big bellies are everywhere in the springtime and you never really notice until you don't have one. Yes, I looked up my EDD's today again, if I was still PG from #1 I'd be 26wks w/#2 I'd be 15 weeks. So obviously, showing, quite possibly knowing if it was a boy or a girl etc. Yes Im having a "wah" me type of day. And we did the deed once in the last month, so next weekish sometime we'll know for sure whats going on. Part of me hopes that I am, part of me knows that would be SO unfair and selfish to the baby to be going through this with my husband. But still...2 losses in 7 mos is too much for me. Anyway, Moo is here this weekend, and I think we have her part of every weekend this month, then we leave for GS on the 29th. I am SO ready for vacation. Also..Im trying to be a good friend to Rach (yes, we have kind of mended fences, but she is HYPER fertile, she's the one on baby #5) but she has been a godsend because she went through the same thing w/her ex husband. She celebrated her 1st anniversary w/her new husband yesterday, and like I said, she's on PG # 5 (#2 w/him) so there is hope. Im trying to just concern myself w/me, but be a good friend and listen to how bad the morning sickness, emotion swings etc are, but the green monster is BIG in me. She's 8 weeks right now, only 32 more weeks to listen to it. YAY!! (Jeez, Im a bitch). Also, a few annoucements....
IT'S A BOY!!
Mason John
Born to: Janelle, Jeremy & Big Sis Morgan
Monday May 4, 2009
ANOTHER BOY!!
Randall Sergio
Born To: Angelica, Juan & Big Sis Maria
Tuesday May 5, 2009
THIRD BOY'S THE CHARM
Ivan Rodrigo
Born To: Cristina, Miguel, & Big Brothers Isaias & Isaac
Saturday March 28, 2009

I just found out about those this week..Those are all students and their families at the preschool I used to work at...Okay..thats all for now. Oh, and Mrs. Erin hasn't posted in 2 days, so maybe all of our labor vibes worked..Keep ya updated :)

Oh and a PS: The dog has peed twice on the mattress, we take her out everytime she whines, abut a lot of the time she doesnt go. So the Tuesday AM and Thursday AM, when I got up she had peed on the mattrress, We've done the Resolve pet odor eliminator (<--massive fail) and we dont know what to do and CANNOT afford a new mattress right this second..PLEASE send your suggestion this way!!!

Not Much

Hrrm....today was a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG day..good grief. I had almost 100 hours this pay period so I *might* just be working a little too much. But I've got so much OT that I've basically paid myself for our vacation..Which yes we are going on at the end of the month..I know thats a little weird, but we promised Moo and I just need to get away!! Seriously..And I don't think it's gonna be a reconciliation thing because he is in COMPLETE refusal mode right now to admit fault or to fix anything, so thats where that is. I don't like where things are, but I am trying my damndest w/nothing happening on his end. We are going to Gulf Shores, AL. I love it there. I eventually want to move there, sooner rather then later.



Oh..and can I tell you, we haven't "colored" since April 13, and I defn. had a period from the 19-25th of April..but I am having weird symptoms..Exhausted, weird digestive issues, starving to almost vomitting, irritable..Now granted I know it's probably just everything that is going on, but wouldn't that just be a kick in the head to be PG again RIGHT NOW? I would shit. LOL.

Today

Firstly..tooting my own horn..buy May 2nd was my 2nd Blogversary, how about that!?

I know..my blog titles aren't very interesting..neither is my life as of now, so whatever..Go over and wish Erin some labor vibes as she has hit 40 weeks and is super ready for Mr. Trent to make his appearance..



Life? In general is okay. We are basically at the same place. Big E should find out if he made the academy this time or not this week. He says he has a "bad" feeling, but Im trying to explain that whatever the outcome, it's decided. He did the best he could and thats all he can do. Im trying to be a heartless bitch, but he was FREAKING OUT earlier, like almost hyperventilating when he heard letters went out yesterday and he didn't get his today. I was like, there is no reason to loose your damn mind. I hope he makes it. For his mental well being, so he has more money, etc. But i reiterated that he needs to move out regardless. There is no way we can come back together (if that is the solution) without having our own space. I need to be able to BREATHE. He's doing all the nice, little things I would've LOVED for him to do when I was one my knees BEGGING to save our marriage 2 mos. ago. Now, it's almost too little too late. I don't know. It just isn't for real, and I know the second i say "oh okay, everything's fine" we'll go back to where we were, and I can't do that.



Fertile Myrtle at work thinks she is PG, after one month off BC. Fan-fuckin-tastic. God, get her away from me!! She is so worthless. Not as a human being, but she has NO CLUE about the real world and her work is always sloppy. We had go back behind her and follow her around today to fix the "jobs" that she did. It sucked big time. I hope for her sake that she is not PG, cause there is no way her 34 yo bf is gonna leave his wife. Whatever



Okay, Im tired. More tomorrow.

8 Things

So I totally stole this from http://parenthoodforme.blogspot.com/, but I liked it and I wanted to do it. Feel free to do the same.

8 Things I am Looking Forward to

1. Our trip to Gulf Shores
2. A solo trip I am taking in July
3. The mother/daughter banquet on Friday
4. Having Moo this weekend
5. Getting my first tattoo
6. Flip-Flop Fridays at work
7. Warm weather
8. Bed

8 Things I Did Yesterday

1. 11 loads of laundry
2. Swept the living room/dining room
3. Cleaned the kitchen
4. SLEPT IN
5. Went to the grocery
6. Mopped the floors
7. Bought Mothers Day cards
8. Made the bed

8 Things I Wish I Could Do

1. Be at the end of this seperation thing-whether good or bad, Im ready to be finished
2. Stay pregnant
3. Be happy for those that are successful at getting pregnant w/o the jealousy
4. Win the lottery
5. Get a mani/pedi
6. Not burn out at work
7. Adopt Moo
8. Make the dog behave

8 Show I Watch

1. House
2. Operation Repo
3. Deadliest Catch
4. Intervention
5. Moving Up
6. Hell's Kitchen
7. Lie To Me
8. Iron Chef America

8 Things I Would Do With Some Extra Cash

1. Buy a new car (at least new to me)
2. Get a personal trainer
3. Get a meal-delivery system
4. Adopt a baby
5. Buy a house-In Gulf Shores
6. Pay off my debt to my parents and Sallie Mae
7. Buy a pair of Manolo Blahniks (I know, but my inner Carrie Bradshaw says I must)
8. Build a nice preschool for my church

8 Place I'd Like to Travel

1. Fiji
2. Italy
3. Germany-I've been here, but it was a terrible trip, my grandmother died while I was there and I couldn't fly back for her funeral, so guilt overshadowed the whole trip
4. Australia
5. England
6. Ireland
7. South Africa

Okay..thats my 8 list..Add yours!

Srping Cleaning

So here I sit, a week after the big annoucement. Do I feel any different? Yes. Things are just moving REALLY fast. Does that worry me, yes and no. I feel like I was at the place my husband (seperated husband, kind of husband?) is now, 3 mos. ago. I have already mourned this relationship, where he is kind of in denial and just trying to hurt me. Like I told my mom, everything we shared as man & wife, he is using to hurt me now. It completely sucks, and he does it, OF COURSE, after I've had a long day at work and just want to be left alone. Let me give you the most recent scenario. I came home from work on Thursday night...I worked 12 hours and just wanted to come home and relax and then we could talk. I explained that to him, and he would not give me space. He wanted to talk immedietley, so we did, and he just played the blame game..and I kind of just zoned out. He is taking no responsibility for any of this. I tried to explain that it does not automatically become "all my fault" because I spoke what was really wrong. Finally, after about 90 minutes of this, he asked me to stop wearing my engagement ring. So, as of now, Im just wearing my wedding band. He said "when things get better, I'll repropose to you with it." I was just so done w/the conversation, that was getting nowhere, that now, my engagement ring is no longer on my finger. That was tough to do, but whatever. We decided that he will need to move out in order for us to actually seperate and do any kind of thinking. Most likely, he will move in July after he has a month in on the PD. He was being sarcastic (I think?) and said "well I'll just move out as soon as Im sure Im in the academy." I think he expected a fight from me, which didn't come. I don't know, Im just ready to get things moving in the right direction. Right now, we are stagnant.

So I said all that to say this, today, Im cleaning the house, opening the windows, getting my shit together. If we have to live like this, I want it to be nice and comfortable, and when he's here, he just wants to sit around, NOT ANYMORE. This house is gonna rock, and not smell like wet dog anymore. <--thinking of the dog, she got out AGAIN, last night, and we found her laying in the creek, that was nice. Anyway, it's time to let go of some sh*t and to just deal with what is going on, to make myself better.

Thank you SO much for all the support. Graduation was really great, but the comment were not. Almost as soon as I got there, I saw someone who hasn't seen me since December, telling me "man you look great, how many weeks are you?" 2 professors wanted to know if I know what Im having etc. So it was tons of fun to keep my fake smile on. Im excited to finally be done with IBC..and I think Im gonna go back for my BS in January..We'll see how that goes..

Tomorrow

I know, 2 posts 1 day..watch out!!


Can I ask for prayers/good thoughts whatever? I don't usually do that, I dont know why, I just dont, but tomorrow, I graduate from college. This is supposed to be a great, wonderful, exciting day. I. AM. DREADING. IT. The last time I saw my professors and classmates, I was 5 weeks pregnant and very happily married. I should be about 26 weeks now and showing very much. I am now the mamma to 2 angel babies and seperated from my husband. Having to go through a whole day explaining/talking about this is going to kill me. Im not ready. I don't want to. But at the same time, it's such an accomplishment, I don't want to skip it. Ugh..sorry my posts have been so whiny lately..Thats just my life right now. Thanks a buncha buncha in advance!!

The *NEW* Plan

So last night, his real feelings came out. FINE. Im gonna fix me..and here's how.

• Therapy: To deal with my issues. I admit I have them, but I do NOT admit I am the problem here. But if I am EVER gonna be able to completely trust someone and be in any other relationship, I have to be 100% healed. A whole person, not just 1/2 or 3/4. 100%.
• Drugs: I know, the "easy" way out. But kids, I've sunk into DEEP, almost suicidal depression before, and I am NOT going there again. So to keep that from happening, Im starting Lexa.pro today. Also, in 5 days I've lost 7 lbs. So yay for that, but thats because I am NOT eating nor am I sleeping. So, I also have a script for Amb.ien. I have never been a good sleeper (usually no more then 5hrs a night), now Im, getting, umm 2-3 a night. Im exhausted. My doc rocks and understands my sleep issues. I see her in person on Tuesday. Hopefully she can suggest a (cheap) therapist. The one's I've talked to cant get me in til Mid-May.
• Being selfish: I've have been fighting for this marriage for over 3 mos, as some of you know. I am mentally exhausted. I would do almost anything to make this work. But Im at the end of my road. With no help from his end, Im turning around, and right now, he's not following. I don't know if he is denial or doesnt care, either way, Im taking care of me. I feel like a loser, there hasn't been a divorce in my family since 1967, so guess who will be the black sheep? Right here! Whatever, Im over what people might think, they don't know the details, nor am I obligated to explain. Those that love and support me will continue to do so, regardless of the outcome.
• Continue blogging: It's an outlet. It's a way to get advice and know that there are other people that have been there and Im not alone. Thank you!
• Start working out: Got a new phone that has an iPOD in it today, and I am GOING to loose 10-20 lbs. FOR REAL. It's time. Lets get me hot :)

K, thats all for now. As previously mentioned, Im exhausted. Im gonna go lay down. More later.