Writer's Block

Well, not even exactly writer's block. But, so much to say & unable to formulate a cohesive thought. Plus, I know this blog is public, and anyone can probably find me pretty easily. I haven't exactly made it hard..But at the same time, I never expected anyone to actively look for me so they could go and try to "tattle" to my husband. Guess what? He KNOWS about this blog. He has since we got together (so almost since it's inception 6 years ago). Anytime he wants to read it, he has access. There is nothing on here that I wouldn't want him to see. I wonder if this person realized that in some of my posts, especially since things went to hell, I come here, get my thoughts out, get them organized so that I can address the situation. There was no reason to run to my husband & tell him "she's been thinking about divorce for a long time." This not only hurt my husband, but was almost just one more way of making me look untrustworthy, which is EXACTLY what we needed. Let me set the record straight. I have NOT been actively thinking of divorce for a "long time." We have not shared all of our problems with even our extended families, because we wanted to try and work them out between the two of us. When it became apparent that only ONE of us was trying to work things out, I came to my blog, my piece of solace, where I have met many friends that I treasure to get advice, on how to SAVE my marriage. It is an outlet for me, as I know this person's blog is to them. I treasure being able to come here & just download my thoughts, as random or as terrible or as happy they might be. I don't know if this person checks in here daily to see what I'm up too, but you can imagine why I have been away. I'm tempted to go password protected, but that just annoys people and makes them not want to read. At least, that's how I feel when I hit a PP blog. Anyway, I said that to say thank you for reading, thank you for your advice, thank you for being my friends. I have no intention of shutting down, in fact, I intend to be MORE present because there is so much going on & I don't have anyone close to me that isn't biased to talk to. I just needed to get this part off my chest. I will be back in action soon.

Breathe In, Breathe Out, Just Breathe

I had to tell myself this over & over last Friday. It's one of those things that you will remember what you were doing and where you were when you heard the news. I remember my heart breaking, I couldn't get to my daughter fast enough. I haven't let her out of my sight much since then. DH & I have talked about the future. Home schooling? Private school? Does it matter? We want her to experience the world, but at what cost? What is this world coming too? Murdering innocent babies? My brain still hasn't been able to process this. Parents are BURYING their sweet children. I think about Maci, and I don't know I would survive if anything happened to her or Elaina. I just can't even imagine the sorrow, the fear, the anger, the saddness. It's just too much. Our prayers are going out to the Newtown, CT community. Daily, by many people. We love you all!!!

Trying

I feel like I have missed so much of her life the past 2-3 months. My camera broke back in June, and my picture taking has gone WAY down. I plan on getting that for myself (I don't know if "we" are doing Christmas w/each other this year) as soon as possible.   I've been so involved TRYING to make things work, trying to figure out how to fix our marriage..I feel like a bad mom. She doesn't seem scarred, but children just *know* when things are off. And people keep telling me "kids are resilient..." blah blah. Guess what? That doesn't help. I don't want her to have to be resilient when she's 23 months old. Her life should be nothing but kittens & rainbows right now. And her father & I are just making it hard. The first week after he found out, she had night after night of godawful night terrors, they made ME cry. I felt so awful. And you know what? Her dad had NO idea what to do for her. He's never had to deal with it before. I'm always the one up w/her at night. It worries me when I think that should we divorce, he will have her 2 nights..and literally only knows how to put her to bed, and usually needs my "help" with that. It just worries me.

I feel like he is just biding his time until he has a place to go. I've given him only one ultimatum, that he decide by the first of the year what he wants to do. I've been trying so hard, for the last year and a half & he literally had NO idea. He blames our marriage crumbling on the (humongus) mistake that I made, and that it completely overshadows anything else that was going on. I asked him if he thought things were perfect before all of this happened and he said "what was the big deal?" This from the same man who just 3 weeks ago, right before the shit hit the fan, told me he didn't want to be a dad or a husband and had been feeling that way for some months. Seriously!??! It's very convenient that my stupid mistake would happen. Takes the pressure completely off of him. BUT, there has to be changes on both of our parts. What I'm slowly finding out is that, per usual, he doesn't think he's done anything wrong, in regards to being a dad or being a husband. I probably could have handled him saying he didn't want to be a husband, but to say you don't want to be a dad?! There's the door. She doesn't need that in her life. And he tells me it's going to take some time to regain trust in me (which I completely understand) but I tell him I feel the same way. I have to trust that he isn't gonna decide he doesn't want to be a dad/husband again in 6 months. He tells me "I'm a changed man, that will never happen again." And I'm supposed to just believe that. To go with that. But yet, I tell him the same thing, AND I'm working on making things better, and I'm not getting anywhere. He's not softening his heart towards me at all. He admitted I am the only one trying to fix this right now. That is so stupid & worthless. If he admittedly isn't even trying, then we are going nowhere and there is no reason to keep pretending. He's made to effort to contact his works HR department, where they offer FREE, unbiased, marital counseling. It's also civilians who do not work w/other officers, therefore, everything will stay confidential. But he is the only who can set this up since it's through his job. Anyway, I said all that to say this. I feel like right now things are just tabled. We aren't really talking about it. I don't think he wants to stay married & right now it's just about control & he wants all of it, hence not admitting any kind of fault. Ugh. Whatever. We'll see what happens I guess.

Happy December!!

I've never been more happy to see a month end then I was for November to wave goodbye. Figured I'd start the month off w/a picture of our (undecorated, we're doing that today) tree & mantle. I love it. This is my MOST favorite season. And getting to experience it through Elaina is the best. She adores the lights, the trees, all the decorations. And it's almost like she can "feel" that it's a special time. It's fantastic!!

Life Exploded

So in the last month..The following has happened.

• I cheated emotionally (not physically) but just as bad, maybe worse
• E found out, found all the emails. I'm not great at covering my tracks as being dishonest is COMPLETELY outside my personality..usually.
• I turned 30. I feel 60. I look 80.
• I've lost almost 11lbs since last Monday.
• I pretty much cry daily. Most of the time it's more like 39402 times a day.
• We went from definitely, no questions asked, filing for divorce to trying to work things out.
• This happened because, if you read back, he's been emotionally absent for MONTHS. He even admitted that as of a few weeks ago, he didn't want to be married OR be a dad. Yeah. So there's that.
• He has some "come to Jesus" thing w/his Sgt. and changed his mind. At the time, I couldn't. Now, there's nothing I want more then to keep our family together.
• He feels angry & deceived. I feel angry & unloved. We've got a LOT to work on.
• He's been more present since all of this came to light then he has been since Lulu was born.
• I've been incredibly sick. Like I'm actually taking a day off from work, w/o keeping Lulu home with me just to try to recover. I have bronchitis, laryngitis, & strep. Yeah.
• I eat maybe once a day. Diet Coke & energy shots make for a great diet.
• The "my marriage is in shambles" diet is second only to the PPD diet in loosing weight quickly.
• I will do whatever it takes to fix this. The problem? He STILL takes ZERO responsibility in this. No matter what else, the fact that I was emailing/chatting/texting someone else overshadows the fact that we were completely falling apart. This was a reaction to the catalyst of what was really going on.
• If he doesn't realize it takes two to make a marriage work, and own up to his part in this, we're done.
• Another definite for me? Another baby. If everything works out, and we get our shit together, I want to be pregnant by July 2013. I'll be almost 31, Lulu will be 2.5, it's a great age gap. With my medical issues, I cannot afford to be "adavanced maternal age" on top of everything else. I know this seems like something ridiculous to even be considering right now, but it was something we discussed before marrying, and it is a deal breaker for me.
• To have this happen at the holidays, pretty much sucks the life out of me. I'm trying to maitain the status quo, to keep things level for Lulu. She is SO excited about Christmas, about putting up the tree, the decorations, talking about Jesus's birth & Santa. I just want to keep things happy for her.
• We're still awkward around each other, but things are slowly getting back to normal.
• There's nothing I want more for Christmas then for us to work out. I love him with my whole heart.

Please, no judgemental comments. This is my blog. I needed to get this out of my head. I have already beaten & berated myself. I couldn't feel anymore guilty. I was so desperate for any kind of emotional attachement, any kind of attention that made me feel loved. I understand that was wrong, but I was so lonely, so abandoned. Thanks for listening.

Remembering Our Babies..

October 15th is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day..At 7pm (CST) around the world, babyloss families lit candles in rememberance of their babies..Here's ours..

Forever in our Hearts...
Genevieve Elaine (Angel Day 12/19/02)
Kara Brooke (Angel Day 12/19/08)
Amanda Laurel (Angel Day 03/15/09)
Carson Glenn (Angel Day 07/10/09)
Mayah Leigh (Angel Day 08/16/09)
Hope Love (Angel Day 07/28/11)
Marisa Evelyn (Angel Day 07/08/12)

Regarding My Blog

Well more like "disregarding." Bad blogger. I know. But it seems EVERYTHING has taken a hit lately and the little things that can fall to the wayside, have. Like this blog, though it is SUCH a major outlet for me and I get advice I need (not always what I *want* to hear) that I should be here more often..Alas, I'm not. Also, please excuse any spelling or grammatical errors as I am missing part of the tip of my left ring finger..I got some extra energy today, (I KNOW) and I decided to make a crock pot meal ahead of time, at least get the majority of the ingredients ready, and it called for 6 sliced potatoes & a sliced onion..It's all fun & games til someone is crying from the onion being all juicy & chops off part of her finger. You know, it didn't even hurt that bad, it was just like "wait, I haven't even added the pizza sauce, why are my onions red...ERMAGERD, my finger is on fire and the skin is flapping!!!!!" Something like that. So I'm bandaged up and having a bit of trouble typing..Onward.

On the marriage front, it's literally day to day even sometimes hour to hour. Like Tuesday I was SO angry & so hurt I was looking for lawyers on my phone stuck in traffic. I was DONE. I couldn't believe his selfishness and how hurtful he could be. I was so upset. And I'm just effing exhausted so everything is multiplied 100-fold. Wednesday things were better/normal, Wednesday night my parents kept Lulu, tried to have "fun adult times" REJECTED and fighting. Totally useless. And I've realized that if I'm not satisfied in the bedroom, our house doesn't get looked after. Coincedence? And no, we're not living in filth & squalor, I just let clothes sit in baskets or in the sink for longer then usual. Anyway, today..it was give & take. I had a doctors appointment that laste 2.5 HOURS (90 minutes of it spent WAITING on the doctor, that's another story) so we didn't spend too much time together..But before & after my appointment, things were okay..Minus the fact that everyone tells me the only way he is going to "learn" how to care for Lulu is if I leave them alone..Yeah, and so I did that today, and somehow there is a shelf pulled off the wall, her room looks like a cocaine bomb went off, there are clothes every where and she has a goose egg on her head. 2.5 hours?! WTF!? Seriously!? I don't him to "learn" and her get hurt. It's a no win. Fudge. So I don't know. There are A LOT of days when I think that I just want to be ALONE. Talked to a co-worker who has been divorced twice and she said that you can't just wait around "hoping" another guy comes along w/o any baggage. I told her I don't want another guy, I'd be satisfied alone. If I did get divorced and someone awesome did come along, that'd just be a bonus. It's not WHY I'm having these thoughts. And I'd have to be SO picky to NOT end up back in this situation plus I'd need to protect my daughter from all the Uncle Creepy's out there. And hello? I effing LOVE my husband. I meant it when I said thick & thin, sickness & health, good times & bad. These are the bad times, the hellacious times, the "will it EVER get better times." I don't want to just be done..But, when is enough enough? It seems that, on most days, I'm almost there.

Okay, there's more, but I'm tired and have laundry to fold. I am reading everyone, maybe just not commenting, I know, I stink.